Playing With Fire

I don't remember when I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I was in a bed. The room was bright and it smelled like rubbing alcohol.

"Kara?" I heard a voice ask. I looked around and saw Nick at my side, holding my hand. My arm had two tubes in it. Great, a hospital. "Hey," he said, smiling.

"Hey," I replied. "Where am I?"

"The hospital," he said. He saw my confused expression and thought of an answer. "After you threw up, you fainted. We couldn't wake you up. We were scared..."

"Oh,"

"Here, lemme go get the nurse, okay?" He stood up and walked out, returning in a split second with a plump, kind looking lady.

"Ah, nice to see you're awake, Ms. Chanel," she said, walking over to one of the machines and adjusting dosage. "You gave us quite a scare there."

"Where is everyone?" I asked, turning to Nick.

"They're fine. Don't worry, Kara," he said. "They're all waiting outside."

"Yes, you have a very loving family. You're very lucky," said the nurse, smiling warmly. "I'm Nurse Jackie, by the way."

"Hi, Nurse Jackie. Um..." I hesitated. "This might seem like a weird thing to ask, but... How is my baby?" I saw Nick startle in the corner of my eye. He looked at my face curiously.

Nurse Jackie laughed. "Not weird at all, honey. Your baby's perfectly healthy. She has quite a strong heart actually." She scribbled something onto her clipboard. "Okay, all set. We're just going to keep you here for another hour or two just to monitor your heart and make sure everything's fine. After that, you're free to go. I'll be right outside if you need me." She smiled and walked out, leaving me and Nick alone.

I smiled in awe. "What's funny?" Nick asked, adjusting my blanket and pillow. I shrugged. He looked at me intently and then smiled himself. "You didn't know the baby was a girl, did you?"

"No," I shook my head. "I didn't."

Nick rubbed my arm and stood up, picking up a backpack in the corner of the hospital room. "I packed this before we came down. It's got a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts from my closet for you to wear if you want. They don't really match 'cause I grabbed them in a hurry... And I doubt the clothes you kept there last year fit anymore, so-"

"Nick," I interrupted him. "Thank you. That's really sweet of you."

He smiled and set the backpack down near my feet. "I'll leave this here so you can change." He walked out, leaving the door open by a crack and standing just outside in case I needed him.

I sat up slowly, kicking the blanket off and making sure I didn't pull any tubes out. I touched my feet to the floor and tried to stand up, gripping the side table for support. The second my body left the bed, I felt breathless and sank back down, knocking down a cup of water that was perched on the side table. The plastic meeting the tile floor made a clinking sound and Nick ran inside to help.

"Sorry, Nick," I said breathlessly. "I can't do it."

"It's okay, Kara. Don't apologize, silly. Just take deep breaths. In and out," he said, rubbing my back. "That's it."

"You're too good to me, Nick." I leaned against him and focused on steadying my breathing while the machines went off, telling me my heart rate was accelerated. I felt my breathing become constant and the machines stopped slowly.

"Nonsense," he replied.

"I think I'll try again," I said confidently. I started to stand up once again, this time with Nick supporting me. My breathing stayed strong, but I lost my balance and Nick caught me before I hit the ground.

"Whoa," he said. "Here, um... Let me- Let me help you." He leaned me safely against the bed and I gripped the mattress. Nick took the sweatshirt and shorts out from the backpack and laid them out on the bed. He looked at my face, my gown, then my face again. I put my arm around his neck, smelling his sweet Abercrombie cologne. He sat me down on the mattress and walked around to my back, slowly untying the gown strings. He did it hesitantly, but I assured him that it was okay. I felt safe with him - only him.

He slipped off the gown gently and helped me into the shorts and sweatshirt. I rolled up the waist of the shorts because they were big on me. The sweatshirt brought me comfort as it smelled just like Nick. It was soft and warm and I felt protected; like nothing could touch me.

Nick helped me back into the bed and after an hour, I was checked out and the Jonas family drove me home. Mr. Jonas drove, Mrs. Jonas was shotgun, Kevin and Joe sat in the middle row of the SUV, and Nick and I had the back to ourselves.

"You know," Nick began. "It really bothers me that your mom didn't come."

My heart sank. "Yeah, it bothers me, too. Did she even call?"

"I called her when the doctors got you stable. But she didn't seem to care. She hung up on me. I don't think she likes me anymore."

I looked at his disappointed face and reached for his hand. "It's not you. It's my fault."

"You always say that, Kara. Stop. Nothing is your fault." He pulled me into his chest and I sighed.

"Did they say what was wrong with me?" I asked him.

He took a moment to answer. "You don't eat. Your blood sugar's always low. It's not good for you." I stayed silent. This was a touchy subject with Nick. "I would know," he said.

I looked up at him. "I'm sorry," I said. Nick's diabetes was hard from him to deal with and having low blood sugar always made him feel like crap - lightheaded, weak. Just like me.

"Just promise me you'll eat, Kara. Please."

I nodded, desperate to make Nick happy. After all, he was doing all of this for me. Eating was the least I could do in return.

It pained me when we pulled into my apartment complex. I didn't want to leave. Nick and his family brought such comfort to me. I didn't want to go back to my old life without them.

"Kara, sweetie," I heard Mrs. Jonas say from the front seat, "I don't see your mother's car. Is she out?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "Lemme check." I whipped out my cell phone from the pocket in Nick's sweatshirt and dialed my mom's number. Three rings, four rings, five... No answer.

"That's okay," Mrs. Jonas said. "You can come stay with us until she gets back." She smiled at me and I sighed in relief. God bought me more time with my favorite family.

The rest of the ride home was silent. I just sat there against Nick's chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. I was confused - where was my mother? There I was in the presence of the world's most loving family who's always had my back no matter what, making sure I'm okay, and my own flesh and blood is nowhere to be found. I closed my eyes before I started crying and Nick squeezed my arm. I hadn't been so relaxed in five months.

When Mr. Jonas pulled into the Jonas driveway, Nick helped me out and gave me a minute to myself in the bathroom. He made me leave the door unlocked and I complied, only because I didn't want to see Nick's dead, devastated eyes anymore. I stared at myself in the mirror and the tears finally worked their way up.

It wasn't me. It wasn't me at all.

I tried to make myself look decent, tying my hair up and washing my face with cold water, because it was all wrong. I wasn't Kara Chanel anymore. I didn't know who that girl in the mirror was, but it wasn't me.

"Hey," I heard a voice say from behind me. It was Nick. I stopped messing with my shirt and sighed. "You alright?" he asked. I nodded slowly.

But I couldn't hold it in.

Tears streamed down my face hard and Nick pulled me into his arms. "Shh.." he said, stroking my hair. "Everything is going to be okay, Kara. I promise you that. Please, don't cry." His voice trembled and cracked at the last syllable.

"Nick? Nick! Dude! I-" I heard Joe yell from the outside hallway. He walked in, saw us, and his face dropped. "Kara..." He walked over and gently touched my shoulder. I cried even harder into Nick's chest. "God, Kara.. I'm going to kill that son of a bitch who did this to you," Joe said angrily.

I continued to sob and Nick tightened his grip on me. His breathing quickened and I knew he was crying himself. I could feel it. "You know what, guys?" I said, looking up and wiping my face. Nick loosened his grip and I saw tears streaming down his cheek. "It doesn't even matter. What's done is done," I reached down and touched my stomach. Time couldn't erase what happened. Nothing could.

"You're not gonna.. you know, are you?" Joe asked. His eyes drifted down to my belly. I took a deep breath and sat down on the covered toilet seat. The boys sat down on the tile floor, facing me.

"No, Joseph," I began. "I thought about it. But I would never get an abortion. I could never, ever give up another life because of a mistake I made. This baby was unintentional, but either way she's my baby and she's a life." Nick and Joe flashed me identical smiles.

"Have you decided on a name yet?" asked Nick.

I shook my head. "Not yet."

He nodded. I'd never really thought about names. I had just been too busy moping around, dreading what had happened. But I realized that it's time to snap back to reality. In a matter of months, less than four now, I would have a daughter and it's time that I took responsibility for it.