Does Your Lack of Conscience Tell You Everything's Alright?

I sit on the couch, mindlessly watching cartoons. Jeffery left hours ago for work and he won't be back for a few more hours. I am stuck here till he does return. I'm hoping he won't return. I hope he dies somewhere.

That won't happen though. I'm not lucky enough for that to happen.

There is no practice today. At least, not for me. I think August has her solo practice today.

Either way, I don't get to see Alex. My day is just going to suck.

Horribly.

My solo practice is in couple of days. I need to think of a theme. I never had to do a solo before so this is new to me. I can't say I think I should have had one. Our instructor seems to think I'm the school's Prima Ballerina.

When I go kidnapped, I promised myself I would never become a Prima Ballerina, never throw myself into dance in any way that would get me noticed by the general public. For the sake of my parents safety, my safety, and Jeffery's happiness.

Jeffery doesn't like the fact that I dance. He tried to make me hate it for years. He came up with so many horrible punishments, some of which were sexual of course. I had so many bruises. My self-esteem sunk to its lowest.

But I never gave up on dancing. It is my life. I couldn't live without it. I get everything I need there: food, communication with people close to my age, praise and personal accomplishment, a mental escape. I could never give up on that.

Never.

When I die, I hope there's a way for me to dance in the afterlife, whatever that may be.

The characters on the screen hit each other. It's meant to be comical but I don't find it as such.

I wonder if the television companies think about the abused kids. Do they think that children who are victims of abuse find this funny?

I don't think they would. I think it would remind them too much of the pains they have to deal with, or dealt with. That's how it makes me feel. I watch these stupid characters hit themselves and all I can think about is the pain Jeffery has put me through. All the death threats, punching, kicking, starvation, choking, beating, everything.

I have so many physical scars from him. And even more emotional scars.

If I were to be let free, I wouldn't be able to function in society properly, I know that. There's no possible way I could get a normal job or go back to school. I can't stand human contact for the most part. I don't know if I could live on my dance salary.

I get paid to be on the team, so does Aaron. We're the two oldest and our instructor wants to keep us there as long as possible. She offered me a teaching job but I couldn't take it because of Jeffery.

Maybe my theme can be abuse. It would be fitting.

That seems too dramatic though. Everyone does dramatic for their solos. I want something that starts sad and has a happy ending.

Plus, abuse would be too obvious. It would give me away entirely.

I guess it doesn't matter what I choose as a theme. It's doubtful that I'll be alive to do this dance.

It feels like Jeffery is tiring of having me around. He doesn't touch me as much as he did when I was young. He used to skip work just to stay home with me. He used to force me to do things every morning, during his lunch break, before and after dinner, before bed. Those run-ins are so scarce now.

I don't mind. Its not that I want him to touch me.

I just don't want to die.

I want to live my life like it was meant to be lived.

But I guess it has to come to an end and I should accept it.

The front door slams open.

Jeffery is home early.

"Elizabeth," he slurs.

And he's drunk.