Does Your Lack of Conscience Tell You Everything's Alright?

A beep goes off periodically, assaulting my ears. The smell of disinfectant is too strong in the air. I can't feel any part of my body. I feel so disconnected. My eyelids refuse to open and my body won't move.

But I can hear and smell.

It took me awhile to get to this level of consciousness. Sure, I'm still in darkness but at least the world around me isn't a complete mystery. Though I'm pretty sure the two senses currently working are working on overdrive.

I'm going to assume I'm in the hospital. How many other areas smell this strongly? I'm most likely hooked up to a monitor of some sort.

This isn't my first time being in a hospital. But I don't go to them often.

A door opens. The person walking in has heavy footsteps and he or she lets themselves plop onto a cushiony surface near me. A distinct smell washes over my nose, mixing with the disinfectant smell, making it tolerable.

It smells like Alex.

It has to be him. He has a delicious smell.

The door opens again. This time the steps are lighter. The person doesn't take a seat.

"Is she going to make it?" Alex's voice floats from next to me.

"It's hard to say, Mr. Gaskarth," a man answers.

I don't recognize his voice.

"Isn't there something you can do? She can't die," Alex sounds desperate.

"It's been a month. You only have two options at this point: either wait it out until she flat lines or pull the plug. It would be smarter to pull the plug."

It's been a month? I've been out for that long?

Wait, is Alex going to pull the plug? It might be better for him to do so. He could move on and find a girl who's good for him.

"I'm not doing that. She's going to make it," Alex's voice is strong, decided.

Of course he won't let me die. He's my knight and I know he'd do anything to protect me.

Is it safe to say I love him?

"It's your decision, Mr. Gaskarth."

Footsteps walk in the opposite direction of my bed. The door opens, the footsteps leave, and the door shuts again. Alex sighs. There's a tingling feeling on my hand.

Is he holding my hand?

I can't feel it. I should be worried about this.

"Alice," he starts.

He's hurt. I can't believe I did this to him. How selfish of me. He gave so much just to help me and this is how I decide to repay him? I can think of better ways to repay him, one's he would definitely enjoy.

This was a stupid action on my part. I tried to kill myself and for what? To forget.

That wasn't my only option though. I know I could have done it some other way.

I am such an idiot.

"Please wake up," Alex begs.

His breaths become shaky. He chokes back a sob.

"I want you to wake up and be happy with me," his voice is strangled.

He's trying not to cry.

"This is my fault. I should have seen this coming."

Did he really just say that? How can he blame himself? Does he know how much he helped me? None of this could ever be his fault.

"I wish I could have saved you."

His attempt to avoid letting tears fall from his eyes fails. Sobs ring through the air, uncontrollable and heart breaking. My name is repeated. Over and over.

I feel like such a bitch.