Does Your Lack of Conscience Tell You Everything's Alright?

The doctors wouldn't let Alex stay overnight. They had to get security to escort him out because he didn't want to leave my side. I don't know if I slept. I can’t tell at this point. It's morning now. Alex got here the minute visiting hours started. My sense of touch has returned. But I still can't move. Alex hasn't left my side, hasn't let go my hand, since he got here.

His friends are here; Jack, Zack, and Rian. They brought him food and decided to stay. August and Aaron came in after them, also with food. It's obvious they're all worried for his health. Even I am more worried for him then I am for myself.

"—and then Alex walked in and was like 'Dude, what are you doing to my sister?' I told him I dropped a Fruit Loop down her shirt," Jack finishes his story.

The group laughs.

"You shouldn't be touching my sister like that, man," Alex says.

"I'm going to do it anyway, so you may as well give up," Jack states.

"You know I don't give up."

Alex's thumb traces circular patterns on my hand.

"I know," Jack says, his tone holding a melancholy note.

"I just wish she could wake up. She sounds like a cool girl from the stories you guys told us," Zack says.

Yes, they've been talking about me. I've been trying to force myself to wake up since they started talking about me. August and Aaron's story about me running out of the dressing room naked because of a spider was the most embarrassing.

But Alex did say he wished he could have been there to see.

"She is amazing," Alex mumbles.

That's the other reason I've been trying hard to wakeup; Alex. I want to make him smile. I want to be able to see him. I want to be able to apologize for being an idiot. I want to tell him I didn't mean to hurt him. I want to tell him anything he wants to hear.

My eyelids won't budge though. They're so heavy. So is the rest of my body. It's like there's extra weight that's been added to every part of me.

Trying to wakeup is exhausting.

"Alex, it's going to be okay," August says.

"What if she doesn't wakeup?" Alex asks.

He sounds so weak, so child-like.

"She will, Alex. She's strong enough to do that."

"But what is she doesn't? What am I going to do?"

Well, if I don't make it, I'd want him to move on.

"Alex, you can live your life with the memories you have of her. I don't think she would want you to put your life on hold for her," August says.

She knows me better than I thought.

"I can't do that. I've had a taste of what its like to have her as mine and I don't want to let that go."

I didn't know I meant that much to him.

"She's going to live though. She's going to open her eyes and live happily ever after with you. So you don't have to worry about losing her," August insists.

August is trying to console her older brother but I know he knows to think realistically. Even I know there's a chance I won't wake up. What if my sense of conscious is all created by the machines hooked up to me. I can feel the wires and tubes sticking in my body. They must be partially to thank.

And what if I wake up but can't live without machines?

That would be terrible. I wouldn't be able to dance anymore. At this point, it's questionable as to whether or not I'll be able to walk if I wake up. A month is a long time for a person to be off their feet. It really is a heartbreaking thought.

It's silent, save for the incessant beeping of one of the monitors.

I wish that damn machine would shut up. It gets really annoying after ten minutes.

I don't want it to flat line though. That's the last thing I want at this point.

"So, I have to know," August says, "have you and Alice started making my nieces and nephews yet?"

My eyelids fly open.

What?