‹ Prequel: The Hidden Truth
Sequel: A Last Good Bye ›
Reaching Through Darkness
Somewhere I belong
Karen
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow, and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to loose
Nothing to gain, hollow, and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain ‘til its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything
’till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
I took the earpieces off and stared off into the black sea of space through the glass window, contemplating the significance of the song. It was my new favorite song because I could relate to it so much. The song talked about healing, a road I was just beginning, and also talked about belonging somewhere, an aching matter in my life. I was accepted and trained at the Jedi academy, but I didn’t feel a part of the family, the group. I still felt like if I were to break a rule that was taboo to them at least to the old order, like getting pregnant or married, I would be exiled in a flash. Perhaps, my master might try to held me survive, but it would be difficult for him and I wasn’t sure I would let him go through so much trouble.
All my life, I have never belonged to anything or fit in with any group. I am the exception of any statistic. One can’t just place a number on me and predict that I will do as that number says. My early birth said many problems would come and stay in my future. I over came almost all of them. There is some statistic that said I should have been heavily dependent on drugs since they were all around me, yet I had never smoked or drank. My scores to get into a higher education supposed I would not survive my first year, but I did and did well. The abusive history that runs through my family tells I should be abusive towards any children and pets. Obviously, that was wrong for I dearly loved all animals and children. My abilities separated me from the rest of society in a way I still can’t explain, increasing the feeling I didn’t belong anywhere. I found myself unable to stand human contact for long and groups larger than a hundred were unbearable. The ability to see through people like they are made of glass made me like them even less as I saw most people to be dull, boring, and completely unaware and purposely trying to avoid the things that matter in life. My teachers, at least the ones that bother to really teach us something, said I was already on a higher plane of thinking and they hardly knew how close they hit the mark.
I didn’t just think on a higher plane, I lived and studied a plane of reality so advance and complex, no amount of words could capture the beauty and wonder of the design. I, at the young age of twenty one, had access to something that was the cause of the wipe out of the Jedi. I knew of the “beyond life and death” that so many people, Jedi and not, spent their whole life searching for, willing to kill and get killed for. The price of this knowledge was a steep one that few, if they know, would take. The strength of character, of will, of heart, and determination must be immense for anyone who has not died and become one with the Force to even be considered to be told about, not to mention hands on study. The hardest part about the special training was I couldn’t freely share the information I was learning about with just anyone. In fact, during my time spent at the academy, I couldn’t tell a soul, not even my master, until I was separated from the person and they couldn’t contact me. So far, the only Jedi I was able to tell was Luke Skywalker and I was light years away from him.
My thoughts wondered to the letter I gave him right before I left. The night before the trip, once the council had cleared my name, my little packing was finished; a plan was fashioned and reviewed to look for holes. I went to sleep and was given permission to reveal my secret truth to Master Skywalker. What is sad is I couldn’t even go into details of the how I got the permission other than Force spirit of Master Yoda told me it was ok to tell Luke the next morning. I was far too nervous to verbally tell Luke, as I called him from habit and not from lack of respect. So I wrote a letter and gave it to him, hoping he could understand what I had to say. In the letter, I offered to bring him to this higher plane. I wanted to give details, but one letter just wasn’t enough and would’ve been several pages long, trying to get the basic meaning across.
I wasn’t sure if I could reach him now, not sure if hyperspace effect projecting my soul from and out of my body to where ever Luke was at that moment. Furthermore, I preferred to do this when he was asleep or close. I made a mental note that when we were on planet, should that ever happen, to not give my mind any peace until an attempt had been made. There was no certainty that this could be done, because I had never pulled a soul out of someone’s body and another reason was while I knew people that could and did, I hardly approved of the practice. I felt that by helping someone do something so personal and meaningful, the first experience would loose the powerful meaning and teach the person to depend on someone else. One fault many people had when trying to project was they didn’t know their soul well and could not control it in order to have the soul leave the body. I may have not wanted to know myself, even went to far extremes to avoid looking in, I still was in touch and had control.
An angry red light blinked fast and brighter than the rest of the lights, accompanied with a shrieking whistle. The sound startled me out of my rambling thoughts about the complexity of the Force and the effects it had on the soul. I stared at the board in front of me, unsure of what to do, wondering if my sleeping master could hear this and would come soon. Several minutes went by and the sound would not go away as I hoped. I began to wonder if something was deadly wrong with the ship and rose to wake Mirmo up.
“Sit back down. There is nothing to be alarmed about. The ship is programmed to warn the pilot ten minutes before reaching the destination and to start getting ready to come out of hyperspace. In other words, my young, overly worried apprentice, we are finally here.”
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow, and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to loose
Nothing to gain, hollow, and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain ‘til its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything
’till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
I took the earpieces off and stared off into the black sea of space through the glass window, contemplating the significance of the song. It was my new favorite song because I could relate to it so much. The song talked about healing, a road I was just beginning, and also talked about belonging somewhere, an aching matter in my life. I was accepted and trained at the Jedi academy, but I didn’t feel a part of the family, the group. I still felt like if I were to break a rule that was taboo to them at least to the old order, like getting pregnant or married, I would be exiled in a flash. Perhaps, my master might try to held me survive, but it would be difficult for him and I wasn’t sure I would let him go through so much trouble.
All my life, I have never belonged to anything or fit in with any group. I am the exception of any statistic. One can’t just place a number on me and predict that I will do as that number says. My early birth said many problems would come and stay in my future. I over came almost all of them. There is some statistic that said I should have been heavily dependent on drugs since they were all around me, yet I had never smoked or drank. My scores to get into a higher education supposed I would not survive my first year, but I did and did well. The abusive history that runs through my family tells I should be abusive towards any children and pets. Obviously, that was wrong for I dearly loved all animals and children. My abilities separated me from the rest of society in a way I still can’t explain, increasing the feeling I didn’t belong anywhere. I found myself unable to stand human contact for long and groups larger than a hundred were unbearable. The ability to see through people like they are made of glass made me like them even less as I saw most people to be dull, boring, and completely unaware and purposely trying to avoid the things that matter in life. My teachers, at least the ones that bother to really teach us something, said I was already on a higher plane of thinking and they hardly knew how close they hit the mark.
I didn’t just think on a higher plane, I lived and studied a plane of reality so advance and complex, no amount of words could capture the beauty and wonder of the design. I, at the young age of twenty one, had access to something that was the cause of the wipe out of the Jedi. I knew of the “beyond life and death” that so many people, Jedi and not, spent their whole life searching for, willing to kill and get killed for. The price of this knowledge was a steep one that few, if they know, would take. The strength of character, of will, of heart, and determination must be immense for anyone who has not died and become one with the Force to even be considered to be told about, not to mention hands on study. The hardest part about the special training was I couldn’t freely share the information I was learning about with just anyone. In fact, during my time spent at the academy, I couldn’t tell a soul, not even my master, until I was separated from the person and they couldn’t contact me. So far, the only Jedi I was able to tell was Luke Skywalker and I was light years away from him.
My thoughts wondered to the letter I gave him right before I left. The night before the trip, once the council had cleared my name, my little packing was finished; a plan was fashioned and reviewed to look for holes. I went to sleep and was given permission to reveal my secret truth to Master Skywalker. What is sad is I couldn’t even go into details of the how I got the permission other than Force spirit of Master Yoda told me it was ok to tell Luke the next morning. I was far too nervous to verbally tell Luke, as I called him from habit and not from lack of respect. So I wrote a letter and gave it to him, hoping he could understand what I had to say. In the letter, I offered to bring him to this higher plane. I wanted to give details, but one letter just wasn’t enough and would’ve been several pages long, trying to get the basic meaning across.
I wasn’t sure if I could reach him now, not sure if hyperspace effect projecting my soul from and out of my body to where ever Luke was at that moment. Furthermore, I preferred to do this when he was asleep or close. I made a mental note that when we were on planet, should that ever happen, to not give my mind any peace until an attempt had been made. There was no certainty that this could be done, because I had never pulled a soul out of someone’s body and another reason was while I knew people that could and did, I hardly approved of the practice. I felt that by helping someone do something so personal and meaningful, the first experience would loose the powerful meaning and teach the person to depend on someone else. One fault many people had when trying to project was they didn’t know their soul well and could not control it in order to have the soul leave the body. I may have not wanted to know myself, even went to far extremes to avoid looking in, I still was in touch and had control.
An angry red light blinked fast and brighter than the rest of the lights, accompanied with a shrieking whistle. The sound startled me out of my rambling thoughts about the complexity of the Force and the effects it had on the soul. I stared at the board in front of me, unsure of what to do, wondering if my sleeping master could hear this and would come soon. Several minutes went by and the sound would not go away as I hoped. I began to wonder if something was deadly wrong with the ship and rose to wake Mirmo up.
“Sit back down. There is nothing to be alarmed about. The ship is programmed to warn the pilot ten minutes before reaching the destination and to start getting ready to come out of hyperspace. In other words, my young, overly worried apprentice, we are finally here.”