Because He Loved Me.

My hands stuffed their way into my jean pockets. How did he take this? Is he ok? Would he cry? I don’t think I could take it if he cried. My heart couldn’t take it id my bet friend broke down on me. I saw Santino perched on the little kids swing with a smile on his face.

He didn’t know

Running my hand through my hair, I sat down next to him. Swallowing hard, I face him. His smile faltered a bit and his eyebrows knit together. My eyes drifted towards his hand that was gripping the swing chain a bit too hard. He always grabs onto something too hard when he’s nervous. His tan skin became a shade of red, then white. My eyes drifted down to his face once again to see his lips moving. Santino was talking but I couldn’t hear him.
“What?” I asked, quietly.
“I asked what was wrong,” Santino stated, his voice filled with worry.
“I don’t know how to begin…” I started, starring at his hand again. “Yesterday…I was with Mateo and he…Mateo-Mateo is dead.” I stuttered, my eyes filling up with water. Quickly, I blinked the tears away and looked into Santino’s eyes. His green eyes were wet with tears and he looked up at the sky trying not to cry. I clenched my jaw as he wrapped his arms around me. His scent filled my nose as I hugged him back, tightly. I felt so safe trapped in his arms, it felt right. My tears ran down my cheeks and make little wet spots on Santino’s blue shirt, I pulled away at first but then he put my head back down.

After that day, I’ve been crying ever since. It’s weak, I know. Especially when you break down and cry in the middle of class, that is weak. Everybody swarmed around me, they all said “I’m sorry for your loss,” it just brings back so many memories. It brings back the memories when the police came and dragged me away from my own brother’s body with them saying “I’m sorry,”
It’s been weeks since his death (eight to be exact) and yet I still feel the same way I did that night, so cold and vulnerable. I have been avoiding my friends; they all are too busy for me anyways. Sometimes I think they just hung out with me because of my brother, but now I know that they did. The girls always wanted sleepovers at my house and they always wore the tiniest clothes around my house – now I know why. I must be stupid or blind or something. What makes me so…oblivious?
Rolling over in bed, I moaned into my pillow. Summer break isn’t the funniest time of the year for me this year. You’re supposed to be happy and try on all those bikinis! But for me, I’ve been trying on his old shirts. Weird, I know but it helps me remember him.
My cell phone blared ‘Want to make a porno? We don't have to tape it,’ in Santino’s voice. I rolled over again, this time knocking over the empty pint of Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream.
“Fuck,” I hissed and flipped the phone open. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my mouth of any signs of drool. I studied the text and whined.

Fight tonite @ the basement

“Ugh,” I groaned. “Why are you bugging me to get out?” I said to no one in particular. I lie in bed and watched my ceiling until I heard my parents’ cars pull out of the drive way.
Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, I let the cold floor wake me up. I rolled my sweat pants so I wouldn’t trip and walked down my hallway (ignoring Mateo’s old room). My feet walked me to the kitchen where I took out a bottle of water. My eyes studied it for a while as I placed it back in the fridge. Getting out the orange juice, I poured it in a glass and walked into my living room.
Santino waited on my couch with a smile on his face. I jumped back a bit, almost spilling my orange juice. As my heart rate settled down, a smirk appeared on his face.
“Good morning sunshine, the earth says hello,” He greeted as I sat on the couch.
“It’s a horrible morning,” I mumbled, sipping my juice.
There was a silence - a perfect silence. It was long and never once did I hear words or breathing. I closed my eyes and smiled, enjoying the sound of the birds chirping
“I don’t wanna push you…but you’ve been cooped up here since the last day of school,” Santino began. Oh damn, I know this speech. “But you need to get some fresh air. Your mom is worried, even your dad has been talking about you to my ma.” Shocker. “I wanna take you out tonight. Let’s go to a fight! It’s gonna be so fun!”
I shook my head. “A fight? That’s illegal, amico,”
“Eh yeah, but fun! C’mon don’t be a micino!”
“I’m not a micino!”
“But you got one…” Santino grinned as I laughed a bit. “Did I just hear a laugh? Yes! Votazione!” He smiled, pumping a fist in the air while jumping off the couch.
“Perdente,” I muttered while smiling.
“So I will pick you up at nine and we’ll head over to the basement. So start getting prettied up now since it’s almost twelve and chicks take a long time…” I sent him a warning glare. “Just be ready when I come!”
“Questo è quello che ha detto,” I yelled back.
“Oh you’re good,” He narrowed his eyes and walked out my door. Tonight is going to be a long night.