Masked

Fronti nulla fides
No reliance can be placed on appearances

AUDREY WAS different from her brother. I should have known that from our earlier encounter, but I hadn’t actually thought about it until the two of us walked towards the main office together to get her classes. Audrey wasn’t quiet and reserved like I’d become accustomed to with Eli; she was loud and animated. As Audrey talked about New England—how pretty it had been, and what the school she’d attended had been like—I wondered if she would have an insight or information about the weird things going on with Eli. And if Audrey’s eyes and skin change color too. Curious, I glanced sideways at her, trying to see if maybe I’d catch a glimpse of anything out of the normal—besides her purple hair of course.

Nothing jumped out at me, no pearly skin and no different colored eyes. A slight pang of annoyance stabbed at me because it would have been so much simpler to blame all the strangeness on a pre-existing condition.

“Hey, Audrey,” I queried, jumping on the moment’s pause, “what made you decide to transfer schools? Your old school seems better than what Hell can offer from what you told me. So…what brought you here?”

A thoughtful look crossed Audrey’s face, her steps halting as she pondered my question. “Amnesty.”

“Amnesty?” I echoed, surprised. I gestured for her to continue, curious as to whom she was trying to get forgiveness from, and what she could have done that sent her running from Hell.

“Yeah,” was all she would say on the more on the matter, the smile that had fallen from her lips for the moment returned. I sensed that despite that kind, pretty smile, my questions were unwelcomed and would remain unanswered if spoken aloud.

A silence formed between the two of us, and I found a strange comfort in it that I normally couldn’t find in awkward silences—but somehow this wasn’t awkward. To me, it felt as if I were walking with Jen, the years of knowing each other bringing us to that point where silence wasn’t strange and forced conversation wasn’t needed to fill that dead air. I chose to ignore the oddness in my comfort and ponder on the mystery known as Eli Cross. I knew that his eyes changed colors, jumping from dull charcoal grey to stunning silver, and his tanned skin would sometimes—if I looked through the slits of my eyes at the correct time—be a pale white. Was it a genetic condition? Again, I snuck a glance at Audrey. I hadn’t seen anything from her in the short time I’d spent with her, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have the same condition—if it even was a condition.

“You all right, Kevin?” Audrey paused again, but this time we were in front of the main office, and looked at me with curiosity. Her question was innocent, one that anyone would ask whether they were friends or strangers, and I really had no other reasons to distrust her beside the shared blood between her and Eli…but something about that question rang fake.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

Audrey shrugged, her eyes still fixed on me. “You seem stuck on something.”

“It’s nothing, really. Just thinking, that’s all.” I answered, shifting my weight as I forced my eyes to meet hers.

“What are you thinking about? It must be pretty important, whatever it is.”

That comfort still enveloped me like a blanket, and I found it difficult to not trust Audrey Cross. Still, despite that trust Audrey seemed to evoke in me, I swallowed the truth itching to soar from my throat. “Oh, nothing important really,” I lied and smiled. Why does she keep pushing so hard? I couldn’t help but wonder.

Audrey asked me to wait for her while she checked in with the office and got her schedule. I sighed quietly and leaned against the wall, waiting for Audrey to return. I thought about the aura of calmness and trust that rolled off Audrey in large waves, and how easy my body had absorbed the waves. I hadn’t thought I’d feel so at ease with the sister of Eli Cross, for all I knew she was relaying information to him. That hardly seemed right, though. I knew the Eli knew I was up to something—I wasn’t sure if he knew what exactly I was up to—because of that amused light I’d seen dancing in his eyes. And it wasn’t as if his warning wasn’t clear enough either; I’d watch who you’re threatening, Dollface, you don’t know who you’re dealing with he’d told me, clutching almost painfully at my arm. Had he been telling me that he was dangerous? That he wouldn’t hesitate to harm me should I find out something? These thoughts made me shiver with fear, but I knew I couldn’t stop—no matter how much he scared me with those cruel eyes or that strength—not when he was dating Jen.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Instantly, I saw Eli’s steel grey eyes and his dangerous smile glittering behind my eyelids. I could understand being attracted to him, could understand the difficulty in telling him no, but I couldn’t understand why the girls never got over him. All the girls I’d talked to had been angry or pretended to be indifferent toward him, but it was impossible to mistake that longing look in their eyes. Even though Eli had hurt them, used them until they weren’t needed anymore, they all wanted him back. What was it about Eli Cross that had most of the girls in our school dropping their panties at the mere sight of him? What was it that made those girls willing to go through the pain of being used and discarded for the chance to be with him again? He was handsome and charming, but didn’t their instincts tell them something was different— wrong with Eli? Or was my instinct defective? I threw away the idea, telling myself that there was nothing wrong with my instincts.

My net of thoughts was broken at the sound of the door opening and closing with a soft click. I looked over to see Audrey’s eyes darting quickly—so quickly I wasn’t even sure if she’d actually read anything—over her schedule. When she was finished, appearing satisfied with the classes she’d been given, she glanced up and caught my gaze. “Thanks for waiting.”

“I don’t mind,” I answered; then asked, “Any good classes?”

Audrey shrugged, “Nothing too bad at least.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure, maybe we have classes together.” Audrey grinned, handing me the card. I read every line, taking in the period numbers as well as the teacher’s names. Audrey and I shared a total of three classes together: first, second, and fourth. I knew the coincidences existed but this felt so much more planned then your typical luck of the draw. I already shared two classes with one Cross and now I shared three others with the other Cross—not only that, but I shared fourth with both of them. Maybe I was paranoid, maybe I was looking too deeply into something, but it felt like so much more than a coincidence.

“Wow,” I said, returning the card, “we have three periods together, though we share our fourth period with your brother and my best friend.” I watched her face carefully, looking for something to confirm my suspicions, but her face remained the same. No lip twitching, no avoided eye-contact—nothing. It was almost disappointing.

“Really?” An excited light filled Audrey’s blue orbs at the mention of sharing a period with Eli, and I felt a stab at my heart. Then a frown pulled at Audrey’s lips and her burrow furrowed with though, “Your best friend, is she the one dating Eli?”

“Yeah,” I told Audrey bemusedly.

“Your friend,” Audrey began, “what is her name? What’s she like?”

“Eli hasn’t told you anything about Jen?” When she remained silent, I repeated, “Nothing at all?”

“I didn’t say that, Kevin.” Audrey answered me with a quiet voice and sad smile. “He’s told me things about—Jen you said her name was?—” I nodded, and she continued. “—Jen, but nothing helpful, nothing that actually tells me about this new girl in his life.”

“Well it’s not like they’ve been dating for very long. I’m not even sure Eli knows Jen’s middle name yet.”

Audrey didn’t seem surprised by this. “How long have they been dating?”

“About a week.”

Audrey seemed satisfied with this answer, changing the subject completely, though it seemed that she was still mulling over what I’d told her about Jen. Did Audrey not like the way Eli treated women? Or was she wondering how long this relationship was going to last? Did Audrey even really care at all about Jen that way I’d cared about all the previous girls before her? Again guilt weighted heavily on me, and I couldn’t believe that I could have ever been so uncaring, so callous—I’d been taught so much better than this.

I showed Audrey around the school, telling her about the classes we shared and the ones we didn’t. Yet, as we walked the halls so familiar to me, I couldn’t help but sense that Audrey had been here before. She didn’t seem surprised to find some old teachers here, or was surprised at some newer teachers that had been hired out. Audrey hid her surprise and familiarity well, and I wondered if maybe I was just looking for something different, weird and creepy about this purple haired woman. She had a brother who attended high school here; it was almost guaranteed that at some point Audrey would to stay in Hell for holidays and breaks. She could have possibly seen the school during one of those visits. Though I wouldn’t know why she’d come to visit the high school during a break, and there were hardly good reasons for Eli to bring her.

Suddenly, it hit me that Audrey and Eli’s relationship wasn’t strong. He didn’t tell her things going on in his life it seemed, and though I wasn’t sure how Audrey felt in this whole jumbled equation maybe I would be able to get information out Audrey that I couldn’t get from any of the girls. She was his sister after all, and despite the obvious lack of a sibling bond, Audrey had to know some things—she had to. And it was time to find out, while I still had the chance, just how strong the sibling bond between Audrey and Eli was.

I pondered how I could broach the topic tentatively without stirring up emotions that wouldn’t aid me in any way. I already knew that Audrey was trying to gain forgiveness from someone in Hell, and I was willing to bet money that it was Eli’s forgiveness she wanted; I would have to be crafty with my questions or she’d catch on and inform Eli. Though, I suppose, it didn’t matter much if Eli did find out about me talking to his sister since he obviously didn’t view me as a threat. Oh, I’d show that pompous ass.

“Audrey?”

“Yes?” She looked over and I vaguely wondered if I’d interrupted her but the thought quickly bled away.

“How come Eli isn’t here showing you around the school?” I was still curious as to what her answer would be, not only because I was searching for an opening to ask for the answers I really wanted, but because I couldn’t understand why Eli wasn’t in my place showing her around—despite their gap. Kevin had been the one to show me around high school my first day freshman year, telling me it would be okay and holding my hand all the way to my first class where I had been very reluctant to release him.

“He’s…” Audrey hesitated, her eyes looking at something I couldn’t see. “He is picking up his new girlfriend, your friend. He told me this morning when I offered to drive the two of us to school. Apparently this Jen doesn’t like to arrive at school very early.”

“Yeah, she is the laziest girl on the planet—except when it comes to her art work. Pulling her away from a project can result in death,” I chuckled, remembering a memory involving Trey covered in paint and a cursing Jen.

“She draws?”

“Yeah, she’s been drawing for as long as I’ve known her—longer even. She is really good too; I’ve got a few pieces of hers that she’s given to me over the years.”

“Same old Eli; always been fond a creative mind,” Audrey mused; I could hear the tight annoyance in those first three words. I wondered what secret meaning hid in that irritation, but I pushed it to the back of my mind for another time and place. I needed to focus.

“Do you not like the types of girls Eli dates?” The words had a protective tone that I hadn’t meant to project, but it was nearly impossible to restrain.

“Well, I’m his sister,” Audrey told me as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. If she was bothered by my tone, Audrey didn’t show it. Then, as if remembering that Eli’s current girlfriend was my best friend, she said, “No, I don’t have a problem with the types of girls Eli dates. I only meant that I wish he would branch out and experience the different types of people there are out in the world. He’s so predictable.”

“But life’s weird, you know?” I said after a moment’s thought, “Life’s got this nasty habit of throwing you through a curve when you think you’ve finally landed on your feet and have some sort of handle on who you are. Humans are creatures of habit; we simply do not like change. Thankfully we have life to butt in and force us to adapt to the new environments we sometimes find ourselves in, or meet certain people we never thought we’d associate with. Eli probably fancies the creative type now because life hasn’t thrown that girl at him yet. Life’s kind of funny that way.”

I’d expected a retort of some sort, or even the look that told me people thought I was crazy, but what I most defiantly hadn’t expected was to hear Audrey laugh at me. A dark flush crawled up my neck as tingles of her laughter echoed through the halls, and I threw Audrey a frown. I didn’t think what I said was all that funny—in fact I was almost sure that I could give that Buddhist Head Monk in the movies a run for his money.

“I’m sorry,” Audrey chuckled. Yes, I thought bitterly, laughing some more really makes me believe how sincere that apology is. “I’m not use to such philosophical speeches,” she continued, a smile still adorned her lovely face. “It’s a shame that Eli didn’t go after you instead.”

“No.” I shook my head at the thought of it being me at Eli’s side, holding his hand as we walked together down the hall, being blinded by what I believed to be affection when all he really wanted was a good lay and arm candy. “It’s not a shame really, because I’m not the type of girl Eli wants. I’ve got expectations of my love life; expectations that no high school boy can fulfill.”

“Are you those hopeless romantic types, Kevin?”

“No, I’m not hopeless—but I am a romantic.” I told her, shrugging, “Sometimes I wish I were living in the ninetieth century again because it was when people were called by their last name, propriety was an absolute necessary, and men courted the girls through soft kisses to the knuckles or flowers or chivalry. Of course,” I quickly added, “I then remember that women back then were repressed by the laws of society, and should they even blink out of place they were shunned—completely ruined.”

“Yes, but the parties and courtships were always fun,” Audrey retorted distractedly.

“Huh?”

“Nothing, just saying how the mothers of that time would be disgusted by the young women of today’s generation.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “No kidding. They’d die of heart attacks at the thought of an unmarried girl having sex.”

“No,” Audrey answered slowly, “Her parents would reject her, her friends would look down at her with cold eyes and even crueler smiles, she’d be rejected and shunned and lose all the respect she’d ever gained—all for one night of passion with a beautiful man who lied to her. That’s what would have happened had a respectable girl given her body without the bond of marriage protecting her.”

I didn’t reply, her words echoing around in my brain. Audrey spoke as if she had been that girl, as if she had been alive in the ninetieth century. But then maybe Audrey was speaking of being in that type of situation before, maybe she’d been tricked into giving up her virginity to a man who made her promises and whispered sweet nothings into her ears—a man like Eli. I wanted to ask if she was speaking of herself, if only to slate my curiosity, but I kept my mouth firmly shackled. I didn’t want to pry into Audrey’s past—I wanted to pry into Eli’s.

Audrey seemed to snap out of whatever dark cloud had come over her because she flashed me a smile as she said, “Enough about times that have passed. Let’s talk about other things.”

So we did. I allowed Audrey to lead our conversations away from romantics, times that demanded the perfection of women and strict society laws, and Eli. I already had gotten plenty of information as it was from Audrey about Eli—like he was predictable in his choice of women and his reactions to them—that I didn’t mind taking a break from thinking about Eli. I let Audrey’s voice drown out all the thoughts of Eli that buzzed through my mind ever since the day that Eli asked my permission to eat with Jen.

It wasn’t long after that Mel and Sean arrived, and then Eli and Jen within four minutes of the bell. Whatever feelings Audrey had shared with about the types of girls Eli dated didn’t appear to show in the way Jen and Audrey acted with each other—though I felt Jen was trying just a little too hard to please someone who had most likely already chosen not to like her. I thought of warning Jen about Audrey’s prejudice, but didn’t because I knew that if Jen couldn’t win Audrey’s affection then the relationship between Eli and my friend would be strained. Or at least that’s what my selfish self wanted.

And if I hadn’t suffered enough disappointments throughout the half-hour before school was to start, a bitter disappointment stabbed at my gut when I saw nothing unusual pass between the Cross siblings.

Audrey noticed how sour my mood had turned and asked me what the matter was. I pictured the pale skin Jen had, the lavender half circles under her eyes that just kept getting darker each day; I thought of the way Eli’s skin shown healthily and how his eyes sparkled with some sort of energy—energy I was use to seeing in Jen’s eyes. I thought, for a wild moment, of telling her my thoughts just to see her reactions, but instead I lied and told her that nothing was the matter, and that we needed to hurry or we would be late for class.

∞

I entered the lunch room with Jen and Audrey. Eli had disappeared right after class, rushing out of there like the room was on fire. Jen informed me a moment later that he’d told her that he needed the restroom. My attention instantly spiked at her words—not because I actually believed that he was using the bathroom, but because I thought he was only making some excuse to sneak off somewhere. During the middle of fourth period Eli’s body language changed; his back grew rigid, and the muscles in his shoulders and neck tensed. Not only had I been alert the swift alteration in Eli, so had Audrey who glanced at him through the corners of her eyes. Even now Audrey seemed worried about Eli’s reaction, though looking at her there was hardly a difference in her personality as she regurgitated the excuse of Eli needing the restroom to Sean and Mel. Still I could feel the difference in the air around her.

I pulled my right leg close to my chest, pressing my lips against the fabric of my jeans as I tried to think of the possible reasons Eli could become so upset in class. From the silence in the class it was easy to determine that halls were empty, so whatever had angered him couldn’t have come from out there. Could he have gotten some sort of text message? Maybe from Audrey about what I’d been doing yesterday—but that couldn’t be it. The look Eli had given me when I’d been with Heather had told me that he was well aware of my intentions, even daring me to continue what I was doing. I closed my eyes, pressing my lips harder against my knee, realizing how pathetic these possibilities seem. So what had Eli so upset then? What was I missing?

A new thought occurred to me as I sat there among Audrey and my friends; what if the cause for secrets and an icy guard were because Eli had some strange disease. It made sense; most diseases were spread through contact: sexual, skin-on-skin, coughing, sneezing. But this thought also open the door so many more fears: was it contagious? Was Eli properly taking care of his disease? Was it curable? Was Eli spreading his disease (God knew he had to be teeming with STDs of all sorts by now) knowingly? My fingers tightened into fists of fear and anger that Eli was carelessly endangering Jen’s health.

“Is there something wrong, Kevin?” Audrey’s voice broken through my heavy thoughts like a rock through glass. I opened my eyes to find Audrey looking at me, an amused glint in her blue eyes.

“No,” I told her, shaking my head to emphasize, “just thinking about a lot of things.”

“Must be some pretty heavy thoughts you have going on in that pretty head.”

“Yeah…I suppose they’re heavy,” I answered slowly, lowering my eyes. I wanted to trust Audrey, something in my bones was telling me that I could, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually open my heart to her. She was the sister of Eli, the man who I was sure was harming Jen in some form, and that meant she couldn’t be trusted—not yet any way.

“Are you having another writer’s block?” Jen queried, completely forgetting how I was secretive about my writings. In fact she only knew about them because I’d been caught working on them at the school library once.

“You’re a writer, Kevin?” asked Audrey, brushing her purple bangs from her eyes.

I nodded, a blush crawling up my neck as I busied myself with opening my lunch bag. I was quick to send a glare at Jen for even mentioning my being a closet writer. I was almost thankful when I saw Eli enter the cafeteria a second later—that was until Audrey mentioned what Jen had just told her. An amused sparkle shown in the grey hues of Eli’s eyes, lighting his face in such a way I’d never seen before. If I hadn’t been so entranced by how simply showing how one feels could light up the face in such a manner I would have been very angry with Eli found my writing habits humorous.

Eli chuckled airily, “Was it a secret? I thought it was obvious.”

I sat quietly, my trance wearing off as I tried extremely hard to control my temper. It was one thing to tease me, but it felt as if Eli was insulting my very being. Was it funny that I wrote, that I created people, places and situations? As if it wasn’t bad enough that Jen had betrayed my trust by revealing my secret—something I’d made her swear she’d never speak of the day I had been found out—now I would have to face Eli’s taunting smile every time I dazed off into space.

“Stop laughing, Eli,” Audrey scolded, but it came too late. “What sort of things do you write about, Kevin?” She addressed me, trying to ease the tension that had filled the group by asking.

“Why don’t you ask Eli,” I spat, scowling, “it just must be so obvious to him!” I stood up swiftly, not able to stand the sight of his face for a second more. His words and attitude towards what I did, what I worked so hard on for months burned at my heart like acid.

I heard Jen calling me back, but I promptly ignored her. I just wanted nothing more than to be alone for a little while so I could collect myself. I was sensitive about my writing because it was so personal and so close to my heart that I was afraid of other people’s reactions. It wasn’t that I expected every one to adore my writing; I knew that wasn’t possible for any author. However, I was like a protective mother of my stories—and no mother wants her child to be teased and made fun of.

I sighed, taking off my glasses to rub my eyes with my index finger and thumb. I couldn’t believe I had been so sensitive to Eli’s actions; it was embarrassing how I’d allowed my emotions to gain such a control over me. But really, I thought replacing my glasses, who is he to tease me about my stories? He’s never read a single word of any of them! He doesn’t know anything about me or my fiction; he can go stuff it! I let out a loud “argh!” while jumping up and down in the hallway, but it didn’t help sooth my anger. And that only made me angrier because Eli wasn’t even around and he was still getting under my skin.

“Oh, Eli Cross,” I muttered under my breath, storming down the hall and toward the library, “I hate you!”

Pausing in front of the library, I caught sight of my reflection in the glass doors. My face was twisted with rage, making me look pinched and ugly. And it was because I had let Eli get to me, allowed him to upset me. It was that moment that my own advice came back to bite me in the ass. Happiness is a choice, isn’t that exactly what I’d told Heather? Wasn’t this precisely what I’d told Heather not to do—allow Eli to control her emotions? I turned away from the ugly girl in the glass, choosing to look out the window directly across from the library. So what if Eli thought it funny that I wrote? So what if it was obvious that I was an author? It was who I was and who I would always be; I wasn’t going to let someone like him upset me so easily. His opinion shouldn’t matter to me—and it didn’t! So why, a quiet voice whispered tauntingly, did it matter so much in the beginning?

Why had it bothered me so much? I’d been teased by countless others about things that were rooted far deeper in my heart than writing, so what was it about him that was different? If I were being honest with myself Eli hadn’t really been making fun of me. He’d only said that it was obvious that wrote. So why had those five words angered me so severely?

Because you aren’t as difficult to figure out as you thought you were, the soft voice ridiculed. Hugging myself lightly as I turned around to lean against the cold glass of the window, I knew what my inner voice said was true. Sighing loudly, I pushed away from the window; the heavy thoughts that a simple observation had caused were much to bear at the moment, and I needed the sanctuary silence and comfort that only the library offered—that only the soft whispers of the written word could offer me.

Our school’s library wasn’t the largest in the district, but it had a fairly nice collection of books ranging from the classics to modern. It was a little odd that there weren’t many students occupying the warm room right now. Last winter when I’d needed to type up a paper there had been ten to twelve kids present, but that might have been because two boys had been in a very heated match of a Yu-Gi-Oh! card game.

I stood by the same table that had held that card game and wondered what I should do now. I could read the book that my English group had decided on—but we were only supposed to read a one-fourth every week, and with a few pages left that could be saved for night reading it seemed silly. There was always checking out a new book, but I wasn’t up to multi-reading (I had the awful habit of mixing storylines. My group forbade me reading other books during our projects when I kept mixing up scenes during week one.) I moved to the back of the library, however, where the modern books were kept. I’d been forbidden to read an entire novel, but my group hadn’t stated that I couldn’t read little tid-bits of my favorite scenes out of novels. Beside who were they to get angry with me? I’d been the only one to reach our reading goal [i[and explain what had happened to them, so that they wouldn’t be lost trying to reach this week’s goal.

Pulling Wicked Lovely from the shelf and thumbing through the pages, I immersed in one of my favorite scenes. Soon enough my thoughts of Eli, my writings, and everything else upsetting me was forgotten by the words I absorbed from the book resting in my hands. After reading a few sentences my eyes froze, my mind drifting off into worry. The main character of the book was similar to me in a way. We both were desperately trying to protect something. For Aislinn it had been her freedom, her life. For me it’s protecting Jen’s heart and health. Aislinn had sacrificed certain things in order to protect those closest to her. Would I have to sacrifice something as well in order to save Jen from Eli? Or would it be better to leave it to fate, let destiny decide? I shook my head; predestination was not something I believed in.

I closed the novel with a firm snap, shoving it back in its place as my anger came bubbling back up. Why was I always questioning whether this was right or wrong? Why was I so scared that inferring was so bad?

“Eli!” I gasped, turning around to find him leaning against one of the columns, arms crossed over his chest. His sharply angled face held a smirk and his silver eyes sparkled with silent laughter at my surprise. I glanced at the door, wondering how Eli had managed to get in here without the door crying out in its awful screech then glanced at Eli, taking in his height and weight then the door again. How had he done it without making as much as a sound?

“You’re doing it again,” I heard Eli softly murmur, breaking my attention on the door.

“What are you talking about? What am I doing again?”

“Noticing stuff,” He replied, running a hand through his hair and turning his eyes heavenward. “Why do you have to be so damn sensitive?” He muttered darkly, glaring up at the ceiling as if it could answer all his questions.

My lips pressed together tightly at his last comment before I demanded coolly, “Did you come here to complain about my sensitivity, or did you actually have something meaningful to say Eli? Or maybe you’re stalking me now?”

“I came here to beg for your forgiveness,” he retorted, pushing away from the column. “Jen got upset with me after you stormed away, sending me after you to ‘apologize for being an ass,’ I believe is how she worded it. So, no, I’m not stalking you—that’s your job, remember?”

Heat flooded my face as I struggled to keep my anger in check. It didn’t matter what Eli said or did it always upset me in ways I didn’t understand. It was his smile that finally sent me over the edge—that superior smile that made my blood boil, and made me feel like a child playing a game I didn’t understand and couldn’t possibly win. Clenching my fists tightly I stalked right up to him and gave him the hardest shove I could muster. “Screw you, Eli Cross!” I hissed, jabbing him in the chest with my finger. “All you ever do it mess with people’s heads—making them believe you loved them, making them think that they were so damn special! Forgiveness? You think you should ever be forgiven for ripping out the hearts of girls who gave you everything you asked for and more!? Do you think you should be forgiven for doing or saying whatever the hell you want!? Well, I won’t let you play games with those girls anymore! I won’t let them be pulled in by your fake charm and handsome looks! You don’t like that I see right past your façade—you don’t like that I won’t fall for your pretty smile and shiny eyes! So you pretend I’m not a threat; you pretend that I’m nothing dangerous!”

I was shaking, my hands clenching and unclenching, and all I saw was red. I was so sick of seeing that superior smile and those laughing eyes; I was so sick of Eli. “Stop pretending to be my friend, stop pretending that you know who I am, and stop pretending to be this knight when all you are is a monster.” My chest was heaving, like I’d just run a marathon when I finished, and I could feel a large headache beginning to form. I couldn’t tell how my words had effected Eli because he was staring at me with unreadable eyes, his mouth pressed in a thin pale line. When it became apparent that I’d stunned Eli into silence I turned and grabbed my things from the floor where I’d left them before my fight with Eli and left the library.

My headache grew worse with each step I took—like it usually did when I’d stayed up all night studying for finals and hadn’t eaten anything. My fight with Eli must have drained more of my energy than I thought—I didn’t normally explode at people like that. I hadn’t exploded like that since Carson was four when I’d shouted at him for coloring all over an essay that was due that day, causing my poor little brother to break into tears and run away from me.

Rubbing my temples I hoped to quell the thump-thump-thumping of drums against my poor skull when a flash of something akin to déjà-vu overcame me. I tried to pinpoint why this situation felt so familiar, but I only succeed in making my head hurt more and abandoned the notion quickly. Sighing, I forced my feet to move forward, hoping that either Jen or Mel had kept my lunch safe from the ever-hungry Sean; I needed some sugar. I hadn’t even taken three steps when a hand latches onto my shoulder, spinning around so that I came face to face with Eli. I tried to be angry at him for manhandling me, but I couldn’t even muster the strength to frown up at him.

“What do you want now?” I demanded tiredly.

“You yelled at me,” was his answer.

“No, I didn’t,” I countered automatically. “I didn’t raise my voice in any way. Is that all you wanted? To tell me that I yelled at you?” I looked up at Eli expectedly, waiting for some snarky comment. None came; instead Eli surprised me by telling me, “You’re wrong.”

“Then tell me why you came after me.”

“No, I mean you’re wrong, Dollface.” I frowned when he called me Dollface, but said nothing. “You’re wrong; I’m not pretending to be your friend—I am your friend.”

“You don’t have gal pals,” I pointed out. “You have girlfriends.”

“Don’t you get it?” Eli demanded harshly, taking a step closer to me, causing me to take a step back. When I didn’t answer immediately, Eli sneered, “Of course you don’t! I couldn’t expect someone like you to understand. You may be sensitive, Dollface, but you’re still blind.”

I watched as Eli brushed past me, but not before he glazed down strangely at me—a flicker of emotion flashed through his eyes, but I couldn’t attach a name because Eli turned away from me and stalked off down the hall toward the lunch room.

“No, Eli,” I whispered, though he couldn’t hear me, “you’re wrong. I see far too much to be blind.”

∞

I pulled my Math book and English novel from my locker, still feeling tired; my headache had dulled to a manageable throb. I paused, my hand curled around the door of my locker, as I could still feel the strings of déjà-vu clinging to my body. The feeling—along with my headache and exhaustion—was a souvenir of my fight with Eli. I’d spent the remaining part of the school day replaying everything Eli had said to me, as well as what could have caused that feeling. It felt like the old cereal games I use to play with Kevin—the one where you have to have a red magnifying glass—only I was missing my magnifying glass so all I could see was swirls of red and white. I sighed heavily, closing my locker as I felt the soft throb turning into loud drums again.

“Hey Kevin,” Audrey greeted, easily falling in step with me as I walked to the front of the school building.

“Hi,” I answered a little hesitant, confused as to why she was being nice to me. I would have thought that Audrey would have turned cold towards me when she learned of the argument between Eli and me—but then I remembered the odd aloofness between the two siblings.

“So I wanted to thank you for showing me around the school today, and Jen was telling me about this cute little café in town at lunch—”

“Aunt Lucy’s Café?”

“Yeah, so you know of it? Is it as good as Jen was telling me?” Audrey inquired as she looped her arm through mine and tugged me towards the school’s parking lot instead.
“The pastries are really good, but I’ve never bought a coffee there. I prefer black coffee to the frou-frou stuff that the others are into.”

“Really? I wouldn’t have pegged you for black coffee type of woman.” Audrey smiled at me, giving my arm a light squeeze in what I was assuming her way of telling me she was only teasing. “So, will you let me buy you a pastry and cup of black coffee to thank you properly for showing me around school?”

The offer was tempting—especially since Sean had gotten a hold of my lunch, saving me only my green apple because “those types of apples belong only in pies!” Then I remembered I had a younger brother and sighed heavily. “Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got to pick my brother up from the bus stop.”

“Really?” Audrey frowned prettily, sounding disappointed.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I always pick Carson up after school.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to go with me? We could pick up Carson in my car, drop him at your house and then go get some yummy pastries.”

“Stop tempting me, Audrey, it’s mean,” I laughed, giving her shoulder a light shove. “But seriously, I can’t. My Dad is out doing something in the town over so no one would be home to watch Carson.”

“Rain check then?” I nodded, because as much I didn’t want to admit it Audrey was my friend (even if today was the first time we’d met). It wasn’t that I completely trusted her yet—I wasn’t blind to the strained relationship, or lack-there-of, between the Cross siblings, and I couldn’t be sure that Audrey wouldn’t do anything to save what remained of their broken relationship—but I didn’t feel threatened around her. Somewhere inside I knew that I could trust Audrey enough not to harm me.

I waved goodbye to Audrey as I turned to leave, but not before I caught Eli walking determined towards her. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe there had been another reason Audrey wanted to buy me coffee. It didn’t help that when I happened to glance back at her over my shoulder that Audrey was frowning at him while Eli said something also looking angry.

Feeling a little betrayed by Audrey I pushed the school doors open. I was greeted by the harsh chill. “Another cold day in Hell,” I murmured, smiling at the joke everyone in Hell shared during the winter. I shivered, hugging my jacket closer to my body; I marveled at how cold it was today, and it was only the beginning of October! I quickly lost myself in my thoughts—one thought lending on to another until finally I thought about all that had happened today.

My fight with Eli had been the strangest encounter to date, and nothing he’d told me made an ounce of sense. He claimed to be my friend, yet he’d lost his temper with me and told me that I didn’t understand. Then there was the quiet fight I’d witnessed between Audrey and Eli. Could that fight be connected to mine and Eli’s? Or was it something else, something more sibling related—like her inviting me to go Aunt Lucy’s Café, or maybe she had been talking to a boy Eli didn’t like (that was usually why Kevin got upset with me at school)? I shook the thoughts away, nothing making any sense no matter how hard I try to put the pieces together. I couldn’t put the pieces of this puzzle where I wanted.

Frowning, as I took in my surroundings for the first time since leaving campus, I realized that this wasn’t the path home—or toward Carson’s bus stop. Instead, my feet had led me to the park where Kevin and I played as children; where I sometimes took Carson and Zack during the warmer weather. This placed held so many memories, and was a sort of haven that I ran away to when I felt life was too much to handle. It made sense that I subconsciously wandered here while lost in thought about the mystery surrounding Eli. Staring at the creaking swing set swaying in the wind I was reminded of the day I’d stupidly agreed to a bet that cost me my name.

“Hey,” Kevin said, crouching down in the grass beside me where I’d been having a picnic with my Barbies, “you.”

Frowning down at my doll, I silently vowed to myself that I would not answer any longer to the “Hey you” or “Girl!” I was tired of Kevin’s blatant refusal to call me by the name we shared. When I continued to play with my doll and ignore Kevin he poked me roughly in the side causing me to start. “Hey, I’m talking to you.”

I pressed my lips together, determined not to break my promise to myself when I felt another poke. “What do you want!?” I demanded angrily after the fifth poke.

“Come swing on the swings with me.”

“No,” I told him, returning my attention to my doll, “I’m playing with my Barbie.”

“Leave your stupid doll with Sara.” Kevin and I hadn’t gotten to the stage yet where we referred to the other’s parent as “Mom” or “Dad.” “Aren’t you a little too old to be playing with Barbies? You’re like, what, nine?”

I bristled at his comment, angry that he’d just called me childish when he himself refused to call me Kevin simply because it was his name too. I had ready retort waiting on the tip of my tongue, but then I remembered that my mother wanted nothing more than for all of us to act like a family. So I told him to wait a moment and headed to where Mom sat, asking if she would watch my doll while I played with Kevin on the swings.

“I’m so glad you’re getting along with each other.” She told me, ruffling my hair affectionately. I grumbled something in response and made my way over to Kevin.

“I’m here.”

“You know what?” Kevin suddenly grinned, his dimples showing.

Timidly, I asked, “What?”

“I’ve finally come up with a nickname for you!”

I frowned, “I don’t want a nickname. I like my name.”

“Well,” He told me in that voice of his that made me feel like a child. “I can’t call you Kevin.”

“Why not? It’s my name after all.”

“Because it’s my name too, and I think it’s weird to keep saying my name.”

“So? I call you Kevin. And it’s my name too!” I stomped my foot angrily. Why couldn’t he just use my name? I liked my name after all, no one else had it. Or no one use to have the same name.

“Any ways,” Kevin kept going, ignoring what I had just said, “my dad calls me Junior sometimes because I’m his son and all. So, that’s what I’ll call you! Junior!” Kevin grinned, triumphal, like he’d solved world hunger.

“I’m not your son, though.” I pointed out.

“That isn’t the point, Junior.”

“Then what is the point? And I don’t like that nickname!” I whined.

Ignoring my whining, Kevin turned his attention to the swings. There weren’t many kids here today, but that was because it was pretty hot. The kids in Hell were awful babies when it got hot.

“I’ll tell you what, Junior.” Kevin began, returning his attention to me. “If you win this game I’ll call you Kevin, but if you lose I’m going to call you Junior for the rest of your life.”

Determined to win my name back, I agreed to his terms. Though, it wasn’t the brightest thing I could do as I didn’t even know what game we were going to play. “What game are we playing any ways?”

“It’s real easy. First you have to swing as high as you can, got it?” I nodded quickly, and he continued, “Then you jump off. Whoever gets the farthest wins.”

I squirmed uncomfortably, “But what if we get hurt?”

“You’ll do fine. Unless you’re a scared-y cat.” Kevin taunted, baiting me for a reaction.

I didn’t disappoint. “I’m not a scared-y cat!” To prove that I wasn’t, I sat down roughly on the swing. I pushed myself back and forth, going higher with each push—and with each push I grew more and more frightened.

Kevin, who by now was in the swing besides me, was swinging much higher than me. Curse him for being so much stronger than my eight-year-old self. Soon we each reached our limits and it was time to jump off. Kevin, being the braver of us two, jumped first. He went surprisingly far and looked up at me expectedly, not moving until I jumped.

Fear pumped in my veins as I eyed the ground, but I didn’t want to be the coward Kevin had so rightly called me. So, when the swing moved forward I jumped with my eyes shut tightly and my heart pumping with the fear that I would somehow kill myself with this fall. I stumbled to the ground, falling on my hands and knees, but even with that stumble I was no where near Kevin.

I had lost the game—and my name.

I smiled fondly at the memory. It sometimes amused me to realize how silly I could be, I didn’t lose my name because of the game, but at the time it felt like I lost my entire identity. But if I really thought about it, it was this moment that turned me into the girl who had to try hard to be noticed. Here, in Hell, I wasn’t Kevin Morgan. I was the girl called Junior because of my older brother, or I was known as Kevin’s sister.

I squirmed in my seat as I now understood that even though Kevin was in college, away from me and Hell, I was still stuck in his shadow. I still didn’t have my name back.
Unconsciously I had been swinging while I had come to the realization of this. I was swinging well above the bar holding my swing in place, so far I thought I would go completely around. I was more determined now to win my name back now than I have been nine years ago. This time though I didn’t hesitant when I jumped. I watched as I fell to the ground, and at first it was a slow descend but as soon as the ground grew closer everything sped up. And then I landed on my feet, stumbling until I fell onto the wood shavings. I laid there watching the world move in blurriness, but I was happy for one reason and one reason only.

I had jumped further than Kevin had.

∞

Even though I was beyond happy, ecstatic, and exultant when I had landed on my feet I’d done something to my ankle. It was now painfully obvious as I limped to the bus stop. Dad hadn’t been home thankfully to stop me from going, and there wasn’t any way in Hell I wouldn’t be there to pick Carson up. The cold air was helping dull the pain but it still throbbed every time pressure was applied.

“Great.” I muttered darkly to myself. “I knew I’d get hurt. Stupid Kevin.”

Finally reaching the bus stop, I leaned heavily against the stop sign, groaning when I lifted my ankle off the ground, glad that I had managed to get here before Carson. I was still happy I’d jumped further than Kevin, but this pain was taking away from my victory.

“What’s wrong?” Eli’s voice asked me. I shrieked from shock, losing my balance and forced to step down on my injured ankle to keep from falling. Eli caught me effortlessly again like he had that one time in the halls.

“N-nothing.” I stammered through the tears gathering in my eyes. I blinked them away quickly not wanting him to see my tears; Eli couldn’t see any weaknesses from me when I was still searching for the answer to the secret he was hiding.

“Did I mention you’re an awful liar?” Eli joked, supporting most of my weight.

“I don’t care.” I snapped, pulling away from him only to have to grab him again before I fell again.

Eli heavily sighed, sending shivers down my spine as his warm breath hit the back of my neck. “Still upset with me?”

“Darn straight I am,” I retorted.

“Why?”

“You’re mean.”

To my annoyed surprise, Eli laughed at me. “I’m mean? That’s your excuse? What are you—a fourth grader?”

“Insulting one’s intelligence level doesn’t help one become friends, Eli.” I told him through gritted teeth. Oh, how I would have loved to be able to pull out of his arms, but this damned leg prevented any such thing. Curse you swing! This is your fault!

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Eli apologized.

“I don’t forgive you.”

We stood in silence after that, with me having to lean on Eli because my ankle hurt too much to support my own weight. I could feel the blush lighting my cheeks, and I fought for control because I shouldn’t be blushing at all.

“I’m sorry about this.” I muttered quickly, hoping he wouldn’t say anything. No such luck with Eli.

“Sorry for what?”

“For leaning against you. You don’t have to support me, just help me over to the stop sigh, and I’ll be fine.”

“Friends support each other, don’t they?” Eli grinned down at me, but helped me hobble over to the stop sign nonetheless.

“Is it even possible for you to be a girl’s friend?” I blurted out, knowing the answer. Eli said nothing, and I didn’t bring up the question again. Eli would stare at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, but it wasn’t my face he stared at. He was staring down at my ankle which I was sure was swollen and ugly looking. I’d need to put ice on it; it was going to be awful getting to class on Monday.

Eli’s eyes locked onto my face, and I was surprised to see that they weren’t hard and cold like they normally were but held an emotion I didn’t understand. Pity perhaps? I couldn’t be sure, so I looked away.

“Are you cold?” Eli asked me.

Without meeting his eyes, I shook my head. I willed the bus holding my younger brother to come here faster than light. Anything to get me out of Eli’s confusing presence. But like a lot of things lately the bus was taking its time.

Eli again broke our awkward silence. “Would it be so terrible to be my friend, Kevin? You’re Audrey’s, and she’s my sister…so why can’t we be friends?”

“Audrey is different,” I told him, looking at the ground. “You’ve never wanted friends before, so why want one now? What’s the point?” It was true, Eli during the whole week I’ve watched him never brought Jen to sit with his friends nor did anyone else sit with the two of him who wasn’t part of my circle of friends.

“People change,” was his soft answer. I looked up from the ground to find Eli with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, his profile turned to me as he stared out into the street. In that moment I wondered if I looked like him when I was in thought. Did I a slightest hint of a smile? Were my features carved with sadness? I hadn’t seen this side of Eli before—Eli’s human side. Returning my eyes to the ground, I tried to remind myself I was dealing with Eli. He was good at giving a girl what she wanted to hear—he had been whispering sweet nothing to females for years. So why wouldn’t he be able to give a girl what she wanted to see?

“Then join a club or a sports team,” I told him, meeting his eyes. “Talk to your sister or do online roleplaying. Don’t single me out; don’t pursue my friendship when you can’t even maintain a relationship with a girl who shares your blood.”

“What’s my relationship with Audrey got to do with anything?” Eli demanded angrily, turning to glare at me. “Why won’t you even try to be friends with me, Dollface? Most girls would jump at the chance to be my friend!”

“Friendships aren’t selfish, Eli! You enter a relationship because of what you can gain from the other person. And while that’s something everyone does, the difference between everyone and you is that people start to develop connections with that person—they start to give back. You, Eli, just keep taking and taking until there’s nothing left for you! Selfish people like you deserve to be alone for the rest of your lives!”

Thick silence enveloped us, and I had expected Eli to say something about how he wasn’t selfish or that I was lucky he even sought my company. In truth, my words were more for my birth father rather than Eli. My father’s shadow had become Eli—Eli’s actions with women reminding me of how he just walked out of mine and my mother’s lives fifteen years ago.
Eli sighed, “Yeah, you’re completely right, Dollface, but I’m trying to change. Couldn’t you just give our friendship a try?”

“Persistent, insufferable man,” I sighed.

“Troublesome, stubborn woman!” Eli countered with a laugh. “Does this mean you’ll give this,” Eli gestured between himself and me, “a try?”

“Honestly,” I answered, looking out into the street, the wind shuffling the dead leaves down the road. “I don’t know if it’s possible for you to change.”

“I’ll just have to prove to you that I can,” Eli informed me, grinning.

Finally, the bus arrived shortly after our little fight. Eli moved to help me as I wobbled a bit to meet Carson, but I swatted his unwanted hand away from me and told him firmly, “I do not need your help.”

“Hey, Junior!” Carson greeted me happily.

“Junior?” Eli echoed, and I sighed, leaning back against the stop sign.

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled, pushing myself away from the pole again, all too sad to do so. My ankle screamed in protest as I gently stepped down on it. I bit my lip to keep from groaning in pain.

“Why do they call you Junior? I heard Jen refer to you as that too.”

“Because stupid Kevin, my older brother, has called me that since I was eight. I thought I had gotten rid of it,” I hinted at Carson who smiled sheepishly at me. “But I guess I still have a lot of work to do.”

“I see. Do you want me to walk you home?”

“No,” I told him meanly. “I want you to leave me alone and stop pretending to be my friend, Eli. Because that’s all you’re doing: pretending.”

“I’m not pretending.”

“You’re an awful liar, too, it appears.” I commented drily. Ignoring the screaming pleas of my ankle I limped towards home.

“What’s wrong?” Carson asked me. “Why are you limping?”

“Tell you when we get home.”

“If we get home before dinner.” I blushed because I was walking really slowly, but I’d be damned before I allowed myself to accept help from Eli Cross. I tried to move at a more quickened pace, but my ankle turned up the pain indicators, telling me enough was enough.
“Just let me help you, Kevin.” Eli said, “Stop being so stubborn.”

“I don’t want your help.”

“Fine, you’ve left me no choice, Dollface.” I was about to retort something nasty when I felt something wrap an arm around the back of my knees, and I was thrown forward and over Eli’s shoulder. I grunted out my surprise, and I was sure if I hadn’t been in a state of shock I would have given an indigent shout.

“Put me down!” I demanded after a moment, wiggling my body as if it that would free me from Eli’s strong grip.

“Your leg is hurt, walking on it will only make it worse. I’m not about to let one of my friends hurt themselves worse because she’s too damn stubborn to accept help.”

“We are not friends!” I shouted.

“Well if you had just accepted my help when I offered it, I would have just given you a piggy back ride. This is the punishment for being stubborn. How did you get hurt, any ways, Dollface?”

“It’s all Kevin’s fault.” I muttered, having given up on my wiggling because it seemed to only be hurting me and not bothering him at all. I was tempted to ask him if I could just have a piggy back ride because the bone of his shoulder was digging painfully into my stomach.

Carson backed up to look at me and asked, “How is this Kevin’s fault?”

“Because that jerk stole my name from me!” I snapped, regretting that it was at him, but, damn it, I wanted my name back.

“How did he steal your name?” Eli questioned, skepticism laced in his voice.

I sighed sadly and told him, “You’d never understand. No one ever understands.”