If This Were a Movie

“Don’t you ever think that you’re gonna grow up all alone and have to resort to an online dating website for lonely adults?”

“All the time.”

She looked shocked, “All the time?”

He shrugged, “Well, maybe just most of the time.”

“Why do you think that?”

He looked to her with mild amusement, “Have you seen me with a girl? It’s pathetic.”

She smiled, “I doubt it’s that pathetic.”

He shook his head solemnly, “Oh no, it really is.”

She laughed at the look on her friends face, “Whatever you say, but I don’t believe it.”

He put his hand over his heart, “I tell no lies.”

“Yeah, but every guy says that they’re horrible at talking to girls. Except for manwhores and stuff, but that’s different”

“No, this is different. Girls just don’t like me like that.”

“Why do you say that?” she asked, “I also find that very hard to believe.”

“That’s because you’ve been my friend since third grade and always see the good in people. I’m just not attractive ‘s all.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“No it’s not. If it wasn’t true don’t you think I’d have a girlfriend already? Or at least have been kissed?”

“You know, it’s not that uncommon – your situation…”

He shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s not like I’m too afraid to talk to a girl and that’s why I’m inexperienced, it’s the fact that girls never look at me like that.”

“I bet some girl does.”

He scoffed, “Like who?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know specifically, but I’m pretty sure that has to be at least one…”

He chuckled, “That’s the thing, I really don’t think there is one.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Do you want me to list all my faults? Because I will do it.”

She sighed, “I don’t care what you do…”

“l have a bird nose, I’m fat, I can’t hold a conversation without bringing a cheesy movie from the Eighties, I can’t listen to anyone talk for more than three minutes straight, I always compare things to comic books—“

“Okay, okay, I get it! You’re a loser.”

He rolled his eyes, “Well thanks.”

“But that’s your problem, you always want to find your faults and all the reasons why somebody wouldn’t like you instead of embracing them and overcoming them to figure out—“

“This is getting too deep for me.”

“Well duh, you’re a guy.”

“That’s sexist and you know it.”

“Wait, when did you start thinking that you’re fat?”

He looked confused, “I’ve always been fat…”

“Not really…” she said weakly.

“You’re such a horrible liar.”

“Oh shut up, you know what I mean. Do you really think girls care if you’re a little overweight?”

“Don’t they?”

“Well…”

“Just admit it, they do.”

She shook her head, “Not all of them.”

“But a lot of them.”

“So you shouldn’t generalize.”

“This is getting nowhere.”

She snorted, “You’re telling me.”

He sighed, “Why did you even ask that question? Surely you never feel like that…”

“Well, I was curious,” she said, “And yeah, I feel like that sometimes.”

“Really?” he said in disbelief.

“Yeah. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because you’re all pretty and shit.”

“Being pretty hardly gets you anywhere in life, but thanks anyway.”

There was a pause of silence.

“Hey Sam?” she turned onto her stomach, the grass tickled the bottom of her chin.

“Hmm?” he was still looking up at the clouds.

“Why again do all my relationships turn to shit?”

He turned his head to her, his head lay on the lawn like a pillow.

“You pick the shitty guys.”

“They all seem nice at first…”

“You never try to get to know them.”

She sighed, “You have it easy.”

“How so?”

She closed her eyes as she lay her head on the ground, “Since girls don’t like you, you don’t have to deal with all the drama.”

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes.

“Sometimes,” he started, “I think if it were the right girl, it might be worth it.”

“It never is.”

The reply was quick, like she totally and completely knew what she was talking about.

“It could be…”

“In the movies, maybe, but not in real life…”

“That’s a sad thing to say for an optimist.”

“I’m just a realist who likes to be happy most of the time.”

He smiled slightly, “So you’re just going to give up?”

“I’m not giving up.”

“I think you are.”

She sighed, “Wasn’t I the one that’s supposed to be telling the other one that they’re wrong?”

“You were in the beginning, but then it went a little downhill for you after that…”

She smiled, “You’re funny.”

“Don’t girls like funny guys?”

“Most of them do.”

“So does that I mean I might still have a chance?” he looked hopeful.

“You always did.”

“Except in fifth grade, I was a weirdo. I think that was my awkward phase, doesn’t everyone have one of those?”

“I don’t know, Sam.”

“Did you?”

“I really don’t know…”

“That probably means you’re going through it right now.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me.”

He smiled, “You know, I think I’m going to make one of those deep observations that I make every once in a while.”

She groaned, but didn’t really mean it, “Go ahead, then.”

“If this were a movie, you’d totally fall in love with me.”

“Oh yeah?”

He nodded, “But this isn’t a movie.”

“No shit.”

“So you aren’t going to fall in love with me?”

She sighed, “Oh, Sam…”

“But I’m funny!”

She smiled, “That you are.”

He turned his head back to the sky, “If this were a movie, you would’ve said something cheesy right then. Like maybe, “I couldn’t fall in love with you if it already happened!” or maybe, “You know, I’ve loved you since the day we met!” or maybe even, “I’m happy when I’m with you!” You know, something of that sort.”

“Well, I am always pretty happy when I’m with you…”

“C’mon, I think it’s a pretty good deal.”

“Why are you so content on getting me to love you?”

He turned his head slightly so she wouldn’t see it, “It was just an observation…”

She nodded, but wasn’t convinced.

He sighed sadly.

“I’m really sorry, Sam.”

“I know you are.”

“I just… don’t like you like that.”

He gave a weak laugh, “Join the club."