Shattered Secrets and Asphyxiated Stars

The front door burst open with a loud, disturbing creak. I quivered down in fear before I unsteadily wrapped my hands around my knees for I knew that this alarming noise warned me that she was here. The floorboards creaked as the footsteps crept closer towards my defenseless refuge: a small, dark closet. Even staying inside a secluded area didn’t help alleviate the intoxicating aroma of alcohol. She was clearly drinking again, but this shouldn’t have surprised me. She was always drinking the toxic elixir and coming home past midnight every night. Drunk.

Her terrible drinking habits had never begun until he had left us or maybe she was always this sadistic even before he had decided to abandon us. She continued to intoxicate herself ever since she had tasted that first drop of poison. I wasn’t afraid of the drink itself, but I was terrified of what it made her do and become; it made her become this monster who I never knew before. I knew that I couldn’t blame a drink for the bluish-purple bruises I had received, but I could consider it as a motivator for her to continue creating them on my frail, defenseless body, right?

I didn’t care what the real stimulus was that kept encouraging her to take out all of her rage and depression out onto me, even though I already knew that her motivation to keep doing this to me every night was because of him. I cared only about the fact that he hadn’t taken me along with him. Why couldn’t he have taken me with him? Was I that much of a burden that he couldn’t have taken a twelve-year-old girl with him to wherever the hell he had decided to go? I didn’t hate him for what he had done years ago, but I just wanted to know if he had ever considered the thought of taking me with him or if his original plan was to leave me behind, hiding in the dark.

Someone impetuously opened the closet door before I could even contemplate why he would not let me go with him. I could see her now. I was hoping that she wouldn’t have found me in here, but I shouldn’t have wasted time hoping for it to happen because here she was in all of her drunken glory, glaring down at me, the girl who wasn’t sure of what she had done to deserve this. I always tried to hide away from her, but I failed miserably each time for she was always able to find my vulnerable refuge. I could admit that I already knew that she would have eventually found me in here, but I didn’t expect to see the small, shiny object lying in her pale hands: a knife.

“I’m going to die; I know I will. She is going to kill me any moment. I’m going to die,” I thought frantically. I began to panic as I walked backwards until my back slammed against the wall. Shit. She walked closer towards me with the blade in her hands as I felt the sweat form above my brow and the fresh burst of anxiety run through my veins as if I was receiving a useless adrenaline rush when it wouldn’t be enough to let me escape from my death trap. I wished that I were having an adrenaline rush instead of an anxiety rush because I needed to run away from here.

I wondered if death would be worse than this. Maybe she was doing me a favor by toying with the knife in her hands as she dragged it closer towards me. Perhaps death was a solution to my misery, and I would never have to live with this pain for any longer. I would soon be free from all of this agony and regret. I couldn’t believe that I was wishing for this, but I wanted her to stab me.

The knife was plunged into my chest before she granted my wish.
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I abruptly woke up from the nightmare and felt my heart frantically running races in my chest. I looked at my digital clock and saw what time it was: four-forty one in the morning. I slept only for about an hour so far and I already had a terrible dream to take over my mind. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around it as I slowly rocked back and forth on my bed.

I ran my fingers through my wavy, chestnut-colored hair, which the faint moonlight was lightly tainting, as I tried to control the tears I felt welling up in my eyes. I had dreamt the same nightmare ever since it occurred in real life and I wished I could forget it, but I couldn’t overlook it for I imprinted the memory in my mind like the scar I had received a year ago from that night.

I timidly tried to fall back asleep as I hoped that I would not have to revisit my past again in my sleep.
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I reluctantly woke up the next morning to feel the hot sun blinding my eyes. I should have remembered to close the curtains last night, but of course, I would forget to do this and have to face the consequences of coping with the dangerous UV rays of the sun. I was most definitely not a morning person and hearing birds chirp their irritating melody, along with seeing the sun, made my morning worse than it already was. I tried to block the sunlight with the back of my hands to prevent myself from permanently losing my sight, but I failed terribly. I grabbed the puffy, white pillow I was sleeping on and lay my head beneath it to block out the songbirds’ tune from entering my ears again. This was only a wasted attempt because I could still hear the freaking birds chirping their annoying song, but at least, I am able to protect my eyes from the sun’s perilous UV rays.

If only I was still in New York, then I would not have to listen to the birds chirp or have the sun wake me up in the morning, but I wasn’t in the city anymore. I was in Ithaca. I was already in a bad moon, and it was only six-thirty in the morning.

Just when I began to think that my morning couldn’t get any worse, my alarm steadily beat alive to remind me that I needed to “start over” today. I didn’t want to “start over,” but I gladly wanted to beat my alarm clock until it permanently stopped thudding. Yes, I could be quite violent at times, and it was only one of my many gifted talents, but you should try to note the sarcasm.

I pulled the purple covers away from me and decided to face this day, not that I had any other options. I softly sighed to myself and got up from my bed before I walked towards my closet. I chose to pick out the first blue, plaid flannel shirt I could find hanging onto a wired hanger, a different black tank top from the one I was wearing last night, and my favorite pair of black skinny jeans. I quickly changed from my pajamas to my newly formed outfit and pulled out a pair of blue Converse that I was going to put on once I went downstairs.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, but I immediately regretted this action. I should have buttoned up my shirt a bit more because I could still see the small scar peaking out of the tank top. The knife created the scar after it had stabbed me, and it left an unwanted reminder of that night to make me never forget what she had done. I wasn’t expecting the scar to go away any time soon and I realized that it would always take me by force to the night when she had taken things a bit too far.

I remembered that I had wanted her to pierce the knife into my skin because I had thought it would have permanently ended my life and in a way, it had. The knife hadn’t allowed me to resume living the miserable life I had occupied, while I was living with her, and it had given me a chance to start over.

I thought I finally got a sense of what Adrian and Elena were trying to tell me. If only it was easier to “start over” than to tell others to do it.

I was still hoping that the scar would somehow fade away with time, but would time ever heal the damages of the past?

I quickly ran down the stairs before I could even contemplate this for a moment, so I could eat the breakfast Elena had made me, while I plastered a small smile onto my face to let her know that she shouldn’t worried so much about me.

Unfortunately, my smile belied only the anxiety I was feeling; despite my false, cheerful expression, I couldn’t help but feel terrified inside. I just knew that this day would end horribly because my morning was already off to a horrible start, and my pestering reminder of what had happened that night was still tagging along with me wherever I went.

Adrian and Elena wished me good luck before I rode the school bus to Ithaca High School. Maybe they didn’t completely waste their luck onto me just yet because no one on the bus gave me any strange looks or figured out that I was a new student attending their school in the middle of the school year. Then again, the school had an enrollment of about one thousand six hundred seventy-five students, which was twice the amount of students at my former high school back in New York. I was also lucky enough to sit by myself during the whole ride.

I somehow managed to find the main office of the school, so I could retrieve my new schedule and a printout of the map of Ithaca High School. My new schedule wasn’t that much different from my old one because I still had the same classes, except I had them with completely new teachers and classmates, and at different class periods.

I had AP Chemistry as my first class with Mr. Sterling in Room 407. I quickly glanced at the map, one last time, before I nervously made my way to Science. For goodness sakes, it was only eight o’ clock in the morning; I hadn’t even gone through the full seven hours yet and I was already a nervous wreck.

“Hello, Mr. Sterling. My name is Hailey Daniels and I am a new student here,” I informed the Chemistry teacher, hoping that he would not make me introduce myself in front of all the strangers whom I would have class with for the rest of the year. Luck was certainly on my side today.

“Hello, Hailey, and welcome to my class. Should I save you the embarrassment of introducing yourself in front of the class by just showing you to your new desk and lab partner?” he asked, giving me a welcoming smile. He must have read my mind because that was exactly what I wanted. I thought we would get along just fine.

“That would be great. Thank you so much.” I followed him to the back of the classroom and saw a girl with shoulder-length brown hair with blunt bangs that covered her forehead and a single purple streak dyed on the right side of her dark hair.

“Hello, Kristy. This is Hailey. She is a new student here and is going to be your new lab partner. I suggest that you show her around the school after class, so she won’t get lost,” he said to the girl. Mr. Sterling walks back to his desk, leaving me along with her.

“Hey, I’m Kristy,” she said, introducing herself and giving me a friendly smile.

“Hi, I’m Hailey. I just moved to Ithaca yesterday, but I’m originally from New York. Do you like Ithaca?” I replied, trying to start a conversation with her, so it would break the awkward silence in the air. I was never adept at conversing with others without fidgeting, but there was always a first time for everything. Fortunately, it wasn’t as frightening as I originally thought it would be. Perhaps she and I could become friends or acquaintances. I was just hoping that she wouldn’t deceive me later like someone people I knew, but I should learn to overlook and forget them.

“It’s all right. I prefer New York City though and you’re lucky that you grew up there.”

I smiled. “Yeah, I guess I am. Is there anything to do here?”

“Well, you could go down to Cayuga Lake and go kayaking; it’s also a great place to site and think. I’ll sometimes take my sketchpad with me to the lake and draw my surroundings.”

“Wow. I love to draw as well. Do you have any other hobbies you like to do?”

We immediately engaged into a conversation about other hobbies we both enjoyed, such as creative writing and photography.

Meanwhile, Mr. Sterling handed out lab packets, which consisted of new labs we were going to do, various worksheets, and readings, to the class. He assigned the class to perform a lab, which involved identifying metals by the color they emitted when they were heated, and told us that a lab report would be due on Friday. I used to abhor chemistry at my previous high school, but the course here did not seem as tedious as my former science class, and the labs we were going to complete seemed to be much more intriguing as well.

I looked around the classroom and saw that everyone had already started the lab. Kristy walked to the front of the room and filled a Petri dish with tap water, while I waited for her to come back. We began the experiment, while we continued to talk about music for the rest of the class.

Once the bell rang, we quickly cleaned up the experimental set up and placed the materials back to where they belonged.

“What class do you have now?” Kristy asked as we left the classroom.

“I’m not sure. Let me take out my schedule.” I took out the schedule I had retrieved at the main office and handed it to her. She quickly looked at my schedule before she handed it back to me.

“Well, we both have Spanish with Ms. González next, then English, and History after lunch. We also have English and History with my friend, Erin, whom you will meet once we have English,” Kristy said, while she led me to our Spanish class.

Spanish was a bit boring. Ms. González assigned us a passage from the textbook to translate and made us define thirty Spanish words into English, while she graded the tests from yesterday, which I obviously hadn’t taken. The assignment was fairly simple and I finished it rather quicker than I thought I would, while Kristy was struggling with a few of the sentences from the passage. Maybe I could tutor her one day if she needed help in Spanish class.

Kristy and I went to our separate ways as I reluctantly walked to P.E. I didn’t have anything against sports because I really did enjoy playing sports, but I was in a terrible mood to participate in any types of sports. Then again, I could always let out some of the frustration I had felt lately, while we played whatever sport the Gym teacher, Coach Kemp, made the class play.

Coach Kemp made us play lacrosse, and I was glad that it was a sport I liked playing. I already scored three goals for my team, and we were winning so far. While I was waiting to catch the ball again with my lacrosse stick, I didn’t notice that the ball was flying towards my direction until I felt it collide with the back of my head.