Countdown to Self-Destruct
why am i leaving the band i started in the first place? it just got out of hand, that's all, is what i feel like saying, but even that sounds a little pathetic and is not entirely true. sure, it all happened pretty fast and it wasn't what i had expected, not in a million bajillion years, but it wasn't THAT bad, it didn't change SO much.
it was never really what i wanted though. the problem was that i invested EVERYTHING in that damn band because it was all I had at the time, it was the only distraction, the only escape, and i never counted on everyone else needing it as badly as i did--no, that's where things went wrong. because then when i didn't need it anymore and i just wanted to cut the ties and let the balloon fly away, there were too many people left holding on. i cut too many strings that had never belonged to me.
i think maybe brendon sensed the underlying hysteria in all my calm preparations. he and Holly were the only ones though. and Holly was the only one who ever tried to stop me. brendon understood me better than most but he didn't try to romanticize me. he didn't entertain notions of changing me for the better like Holly did. i think he knew i was already too far gone from the very first time we ever met.
i think he knew he couldn't salvage what i was hellbent on destroying, so he didn't try too hard.
Author's Notes:
* The story is narrated via Ryan's emails to himself. Spelling/capitalization/punctuation errors are used deliberately, for stylistic purposes.
* Ryan's email address in this story is entirely made up. I have no idea what his actual email address is or if someone else uses the fictional address mentioned in the story. Please do not try to find out. :]
it was never really what i wanted though. the problem was that i invested EVERYTHING in that damn band because it was all I had at the time, it was the only distraction, the only escape, and i never counted on everyone else needing it as badly as i did--no, that's where things went wrong. because then when i didn't need it anymore and i just wanted to cut the ties and let the balloon fly away, there were too many people left holding on. i cut too many strings that had never belonged to me.
i think maybe brendon sensed the underlying hysteria in all my calm preparations. he and Holly were the only ones though. and Holly was the only one who ever tried to stop me. brendon understood me better than most but he didn't try to romanticize me. he didn't entertain notions of changing me for the better like Holly did. i think he knew i was already too far gone from the very first time we ever met.
i think he knew he couldn't salvage what i was hellbent on destroying, so he didn't try too hard.
Author's Notes:
* The story is narrated via Ryan's emails to himself. Spelling/capitalization/punctuation errors are used deliberately, for stylistic purposes.
* Ryan's email address in this story is entirely made up. I have no idea what his actual email address is or if someone else uses the fictional address mentioned in the story. Please do not try to find out. :]