Countdown to Self-Destruct
EIGHT
at the diner
From: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
Sent: Wed 6/24/09 5:50 PM
To: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
i haven't spoken to so many of my friends in such a long time. they say it's normal, you lose old friends and make new ones as you grow up and age and move through your life, but surely this can't be normal. is it normal?
when i saw spencer this morning he seemed so different to me but i knew he was the same because he has always been the same. i've known him for so long and he's always been the same. if i don't know spencer, i don't know anyone. least of all myself.
this is the part that scares me. the not knowing. the changing. how easily i drift from one place to another, how i run away so often that sometimes i don't even notice. i subconsciously sabatoge myself. it's fucking terrifying.
spencer laughed and said i looked a little scared when we met up at the diner, so i guess it showed in my face. i just shrugged and said, not really. i'm fine.
and my normal voice is such a monotone that i barely have to act to lie convincingly. no emphasis or emotional inflections needed.
but my shaking hands betrayed me. his hands shook too. the world we had shared for so long was on the verge of splitting in two and we were both scared as hell.
have you talked to brendon yet?
spencer plucked a napkin from the napkin dispenser and began to shred it around the edges, a nervous habit. crumbs dotted the table and i wondered who had sat here before us and what kinds of conversations they had had. could they feel their lives unraveling beneath them like i could then?
no, i said as i flicked a crumb off of the table top. i emailed him.
oh. did he reply?
yes.
what did he say?
a family of four--a mother, a father, two brothers who all loved each other--were sitting together at a booth on the other side of the room and i watched them as i thought about my life and somehow it all seemed to fit in the saddest, gloomiest of ways.
he said he wants to talk in person. we're gonna hang out tomorrow.
oh, said spencer again, and then the waitress brought us our food and we ate it all without speaking or even looking at each other.
and in the silence i thought to myself, i am losing everyone.
From: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
Sent: Wed 6/24/09 5:50 PM
To: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
i haven't spoken to so many of my friends in such a long time. they say it's normal, you lose old friends and make new ones as you grow up and age and move through your life, but surely this can't be normal. is it normal?
when i saw spencer this morning he seemed so different to me but i knew he was the same because he has always been the same. i've known him for so long and he's always been the same. if i don't know spencer, i don't know anyone. least of all myself.
this is the part that scares me. the not knowing. the changing. how easily i drift from one place to another, how i run away so often that sometimes i don't even notice. i subconsciously sabatoge myself. it's fucking terrifying.
spencer laughed and said i looked a little scared when we met up at the diner, so i guess it showed in my face. i just shrugged and said, not really. i'm fine.
and my normal voice is such a monotone that i barely have to act to lie convincingly. no emphasis or emotional inflections needed.
but my shaking hands betrayed me. his hands shook too. the world we had shared for so long was on the verge of splitting in two and we were both scared as hell.
have you talked to brendon yet?
spencer plucked a napkin from the napkin dispenser and began to shred it around the edges, a nervous habit. crumbs dotted the table and i wondered who had sat here before us and what kinds of conversations they had had. could they feel their lives unraveling beneath them like i could then?
no, i said as i flicked a crumb off of the table top. i emailed him.
oh. did he reply?
yes.
what did he say?
a family of four--a mother, a father, two brothers who all loved each other--were sitting together at a booth on the other side of the room and i watched them as i thought about my life and somehow it all seemed to fit in the saddest, gloomiest of ways.
he said he wants to talk in person. we're gonna hang out tomorrow.
oh, said spencer again, and then the waitress brought us our food and we ate it all without speaking or even looking at each other.
and in the silence i thought to myself, i am losing everyone.
♠ ♠ ♠
It's short, I know. I might go ahead and post the next one soon to make up for it.So, what do you think? Still liking this? Or not so much?