Countdown to Self-Destruct
SIX
breakfast at tiffanys
From: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
Sent: Mon 6/29/09 7:13 PM
To: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
how did it go, baby? said Holly when i walked in the door.
not so great, i said, and she frowned at me and looked a little sad but not surprised. after all, it wasn't very surprising. when you tell your best friend that you want to put an end to the best thing that ever happened to him--how can that conversation ever go well?
i'm sorry, she said. she was curled up in the corner of the couch and i came over to her and laid down and put my head in her lap and she held me, weaving her fingers into my hair. you need a haircut, she murmured, and we both laughed, knowing that she was right, of course, and also knowing that that was the point.
the too-long hair was ugly and that was why i liked it. the elephant man thing again, you know.
i made you your favorite dinner, said Holly.
thanks.
are you hungry now?
sure.
she smiled the pretty smile that i loved and removed my head from her lap and bounded into the kitchen. through the open doorway i watched her bare feet moving across the linoleum, listened to the scraping of a ladle against a skillet as she heaped stir-fry onto my favorite chipped plate from mexico.
she knew me so well, it broke my heart.
i first met Holly in whole foods and we had a whole conversation about sushi and i distinctly remember that she was wearing this stupid looking blue dress, you know, like the ones all those indie chicks wear, but i thought she was cute anyway so i asked for her number. we talked and hung out a lot and she was the best friend i ever had, i think; unlike spencer, she knew that i screwed up a lot and she held me accountable for my actions and helped me navigate through my world and made me appreciate all that i have: my talent and my music and my money and my name and my relative health (not counting the white lines) and the beautiful view of l.a. off of my balcony. she was sort of like a mother and a best friend and a girlfriend all rolled into one i guess.
i dont think i ever really Loved her, just because i never knew how, but i came close sometimes. whenever i had a bad day she would bake me cookies or muffins or pie, and once when she didn't have time to bake, she bought me this little chocolate cake with a plastic winnie the pooh figurine on top from the grocery store (i still keep the pooh figurine in my pocket and it helps me remember her and not feel so alone). she knew all my favorite songs and sometimes when i couldnt sleep at night, she would sing them to me so softly until i fell asleep. and breakfast at tiffanys was her favorite movie and we watched it together once and she held my hand and sang along with audrey hepburn sitting in the window with a guitar and i felt myself almost Love her.
and then once she asked me about my family and i told her all about my mom and Dad and she never shied away from any of it or tried to act all sympathetic like other people did. i told her about Dad's funeral and how i didnt cry and how i hated all those people there and hated myself too and how i missed him despite everything and she said she understood, and i could tell she did. i told her that i wished i could just go back and fix everything and she said she thought that a lot of people feel like that and it wasn't my fault. things just happen and people make mistakes and sometimes its no one's fault. and she was right.
i almost Loved her then too.
i think she could tell that i didn't really Love her, and i think it made her sad. she was sad a lot towards the end. i felt so guilty because she was so wonderful but i just couldn't Love her. i wanted to so badly but i just couldn't. and there were so many times that i came so close to telling her that it wasn't her fault, that i just didn't have the capacity to Love someone that way, but i was afraid of what she would think of me. what kind of decent human being doesn't have the capacity to Love?
but you're not a decent human being, ryan, i would remind myself as i lay awake at night thinking. but i didn't want Holly to know that, so i never told her. everyone else knew that--Dad, mom, God, everyone. but i couldn't stand it if Holly knew.
above all else, i wanted Holly to Love me...even if i couldn't Love her back.
From: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
Sent: Mon 6/29/09 7:13 PM
To: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
how did it go, baby? said Holly when i walked in the door.
not so great, i said, and she frowned at me and looked a little sad but not surprised. after all, it wasn't very surprising. when you tell your best friend that you want to put an end to the best thing that ever happened to him--how can that conversation ever go well?
i'm sorry, she said. she was curled up in the corner of the couch and i came over to her and laid down and put my head in her lap and she held me, weaving her fingers into my hair. you need a haircut, she murmured, and we both laughed, knowing that she was right, of course, and also knowing that that was the point.
the too-long hair was ugly and that was why i liked it. the elephant man thing again, you know.
i made you your favorite dinner, said Holly.
thanks.
are you hungry now?
sure.
she smiled the pretty smile that i loved and removed my head from her lap and bounded into the kitchen. through the open doorway i watched her bare feet moving across the linoleum, listened to the scraping of a ladle against a skillet as she heaped stir-fry onto my favorite chipped plate from mexico.
she knew me so well, it broke my heart.
i first met Holly in whole foods and we had a whole conversation about sushi and i distinctly remember that she was wearing this stupid looking blue dress, you know, like the ones all those indie chicks wear, but i thought she was cute anyway so i asked for her number. we talked and hung out a lot and she was the best friend i ever had, i think; unlike spencer, she knew that i screwed up a lot and she held me accountable for my actions and helped me navigate through my world and made me appreciate all that i have: my talent and my music and my money and my name and my relative health (not counting the white lines) and the beautiful view of l.a. off of my balcony. she was sort of like a mother and a best friend and a girlfriend all rolled into one i guess.
i dont think i ever really Loved her, just because i never knew how, but i came close sometimes. whenever i had a bad day she would bake me cookies or muffins or pie, and once when she didn't have time to bake, she bought me this little chocolate cake with a plastic winnie the pooh figurine on top from the grocery store (i still keep the pooh figurine in my pocket and it helps me remember her and not feel so alone). she knew all my favorite songs and sometimes when i couldnt sleep at night, she would sing them to me so softly until i fell asleep. and breakfast at tiffanys was her favorite movie and we watched it together once and she held my hand and sang along with audrey hepburn sitting in the window with a guitar and i felt myself almost Love her.
and then once she asked me about my family and i told her all about my mom and Dad and she never shied away from any of it or tried to act all sympathetic like other people did. i told her about Dad's funeral and how i didnt cry and how i hated all those people there and hated myself too and how i missed him despite everything and she said she understood, and i could tell she did. i told her that i wished i could just go back and fix everything and she said she thought that a lot of people feel like that and it wasn't my fault. things just happen and people make mistakes and sometimes its no one's fault. and she was right.
i almost Loved her then too.
i think she could tell that i didn't really Love her, and i think it made her sad. she was sad a lot towards the end. i felt so guilty because she was so wonderful but i just couldn't Love her. i wanted to so badly but i just couldn't. and there were so many times that i came so close to telling her that it wasn't her fault, that i just didn't have the capacity to Love someone that way, but i was afraid of what she would think of me. what kind of decent human being doesn't have the capacity to Love?
but you're not a decent human being, ryan, i would remind myself as i lay awake at night thinking. but i didn't want Holly to know that, so i never told her. everyone else knew that--Dad, mom, God, everyone. but i couldn't stand it if Holly knew.
above all else, i wanted Holly to Love me...even if i couldn't Love her back.
♠ ♠ ♠
"All along the Navajo Trail, burn-outs stub their toes on garbage pails. Waitresses are crying in the rain. Will their boyfriends pass this way again?"I can't stop quoting this song. And...that's all I have to say. I love you.