Countdown to Self-Destruct
THREE
balloons
From: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sun 7/05/09 11:41 PM
To: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
i woke up remembering breakfast at tiffanys this morning. i guess because it was Holly's favorite movie and i had been thinking about her a lot, what with my smashing her delicate little heart to pieces just the night before. i thought about it and thought about it all morning and it finally occured to me, after all the time we spent together, that audrey hepburn's character's name was holly in the movie. that was quite a revelation and the more i thought about it, the more i felt like the nameless cat left out in the rain. the nameless cat that never really belonged to anyone, not even holly golightly.
and just like in the movie, Holly came back for me soon enough. when we crossed paths by chance in whole foods this morning, she did a double take and then she sprinted down the aisle towards me, ready to collect her cat out of the rain.
i stood there trying to figure out what i could possibly say to her without looking like a complete douchebag, but i didn't have the chance to speak first anyway.
are you really leaving the band? she asked me, right then and there in the middle of whole foods.
her make-up was smudged, as if she had slept in it or cried some of it away. maybe both. her eyes were tired and sad but alert somehow as she waited for my answer.
well...yeah. i told you--
what?! what's WRONG with you?!
Holly, i told you before i was going to--
well, yeah, but--but--i thought you'd change your mind! brendon called me this morning and told me you were quitting--
i am. i told you, it's over.
and that was all i said to her then. i turned around and walked out of whole foods, leaving my cart full of food just standing there in the middle of the aisle. the groceries weren't worth it. nothing was worth it anymore.
she followed me out of the store and i realized i was going to have to turn and face her then.
you let me down, ryan, Holly said. you let everyone down. how could you? and she stared at me with this awful hurt, bewildered look in her beautiful blue eyes, like she was SURPRISED. like i hadn't been doing it all along.
i just--i--i can't do it anymore, i said.
can't do what?
THIS, i said. all this touring and--and albums--and just--THIS--
oh, bullSHIT, she screamed at me. that is such a fucking COP-OUT, ryan! YOU'RE a fucking COP-OUT! what the hell is wrong with you?! why are you fucking THROWING THIS AWAY?!
i turned and walked away from her, stepping into the path of a speeding minivan and not caring. i was halfway to my car and winding my way around grocery carts when Holly started yelling after me.
DON'T YOU FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM ME, RYAN ROSS! YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUN AWAY THIS TIME. I WON'T LET YOU RUN AWAY, RYAN. I WON'T LET YOU!
she was still standing there on the curb out in front of whole foods and all the rich hippie vegan celebrity freaks of l.a. stared at us making a scene as they wandered into the store for a week's worth of overpriced groceries. she looked so small and far away and so pretty and so sweet, even through all her anger, and that made me angry in return because she was right--how could i do this to her? i was a horrible person.
but i yelled back.
YOU CAN'T STOP ME. IT'S MY FUCKING LIFE. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
NO, RYAN! I WON'T LET YOU--
YOU CAN'T STOP ME--
NO! she screamed, and i had never heard her scream like that. NO! I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T LET YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! I WON'T LET YOU SELF-DESTRUCT!
she paused for a moment and i didn't know what to say either so we both just stared at each other, not really knowing what to do because everything was such a mess and who knew it was so hard to cut all the strings and fly away? i guess i just never counted on anyone Loving me the way Holly did. i never thought there would be someone there to steady my hand.
she bit her lip and tried another tactic. PLEASE DON'T, RYAN. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. PLEASE--
but i have to, i said in such a feeble voice.
she heard me anyway.
NO! YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T DO THIS RYAN! I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T LET YOU, I WON'T, I WON'T LET YOU...
and she just stood there shouting at me across the wide gray stretch of parking lot. a car passed between us, a smear of red metallic movement that obscured her face for the tiniest fraction of a second, and when the image of her resurfaced, she was crying.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? she said, and even though she was screaming, crying, pouring all the love and hate and fear and anger of the past six months into every single word at the top of her lungs, the words sounded so quiet and soft when they echoed in my head. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU'VE PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY?
what are you gonna do?
it was the first time anyone had ever asked me such a thing directly and i felt the rippling of goosebumps across my flesh that was my body acknowledging the truth of it all. and then as i saw the look on her face in that moment, i realized for the first time just how hard it was to Love me, and how hard it was for her to Love me--and that she did it anyway. how do you deserve that kind of Love, when you're a stranger to it in the first place? i didn't deserve her Love. i didn't know how to.
i just stood there staring at her across the parking lot while she cried and some part of me remembered being young and hurt and wishing that someone would Love me this way, and now that someone did, i was throwing all of it away. i knew what i was doing all along, you see, that's the tragedy of it. while i left Vegas and left the band and left brendon and left Holly, i watched myself cut all those strings and then i watched the balloons float away on the breeze, knowing how much i would miss them, knowing how much i would bleed. but i did it anyway.
you're not going to make it, ryan, said Holly, and her voice was so small that it was a miracle that i even heard it at all. you're not going to make it because you won't let yourself. why do you keep sabatoging yourself this way?
because, i said, there is something inside of me that i need to kill.
i didn't have the balls to go to her, sorry bastard that i was. but suddenly my eyes burned and i felt so faint and weak and i couldn't see straight, and then she was there, her arms wrapped around me and her tiny warm hand pressed against the back of my neck, cradling my head against her shoulder and i didn't feel comforted at all. those words had come out of my mouth without my permission and they were so foreign to me, they didn't make sense. they were so sad. was i so sad?
it was that thing inside of me that made me so sad, that had turned me into the kind of monster i had always hated most. that thing had to die. i had to kill it. i had to kill it. i had to. maybe i would die along with it but that didn't matter, i had to kill the thing. the words were so scary, but i wasn't afraid--not anymore. i think i had known this all along somehow. i had always known that the thing had to die.
maybe that's why i cut the strings on all my balloons. maybe i was just setting them free so they could be far away from me when i finally self-destructed. maybe i was trying to save them from the blast.
the thing is, i never meant to hurt anyone. i never meant to hurt brendon or spencer or jon or even panic at the disco, and i never meant to hurt the people who fell asleep with my words in their head at night, who followed us through everything, hoping and praying that we wouldn't let them down--even when we did. even when I did, finally.
and i never meant to hurt Dad either. i never meant to leave him there all alone regretting things that i never really blamed him for anyway. i never meant to sit there dry-eyed and numb at his funeral. i never meant to put the white before everything else and let my world go all to hell, just like he used to put the bottles before our life together when i was small. i never meant to turn around and become the one thing i had always sworn i would never be.
and i certainly never meant to hurt Holly--Holly who was the only one to ever truly Love me. Holly who Loved me even when i wouldn't Love her back.
i wish i could go back and make everything okay with everyone but it's just so impossible. i would hurt them in the end. they don't realize what i am. that i kill everything i touch. because brendon was right--i AM toxic.
DIE RYAN DIE i thought as Holly held me in the parking lot and all i wanted was to be far away from her so i could hurt myself some more and she wouldn't get hurt too. i remembered the straight white powdered lines and the flashes of so many cameras and my reflection in the mirror--i remembered looking at myself and thinking no wonder Dad always wanted to hit me because i had one of those stupid-looking faces that you just want to hit and i wanted to hit me too, and i had already met the white lines four times that day so i tried to hit myself but instead i hit the mirror and all i got in the end was seven years of bad luck and thirteen stiches in my knuckles and my stupid-looking face was fine. the thing inside me was alive and well.
but it didn't matter because i decided right then in that fucking parking lot that i would kill the thing tonight.
From: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sun 7/05/09 11:41 PM
To: Ryan Ross (iamthewalrus86@hotmail.com)
i woke up remembering breakfast at tiffanys this morning. i guess because it was Holly's favorite movie and i had been thinking about her a lot, what with my smashing her delicate little heart to pieces just the night before. i thought about it and thought about it all morning and it finally occured to me, after all the time we spent together, that audrey hepburn's character's name was holly in the movie. that was quite a revelation and the more i thought about it, the more i felt like the nameless cat left out in the rain. the nameless cat that never really belonged to anyone, not even holly golightly.
and just like in the movie, Holly came back for me soon enough. when we crossed paths by chance in whole foods this morning, she did a double take and then she sprinted down the aisle towards me, ready to collect her cat out of the rain.
i stood there trying to figure out what i could possibly say to her without looking like a complete douchebag, but i didn't have the chance to speak first anyway.
are you really leaving the band? she asked me, right then and there in the middle of whole foods.
her make-up was smudged, as if she had slept in it or cried some of it away. maybe both. her eyes were tired and sad but alert somehow as she waited for my answer.
well...yeah. i told you--
what?! what's WRONG with you?!
Holly, i told you before i was going to--
well, yeah, but--but--i thought you'd change your mind! brendon called me this morning and told me you were quitting--
i am. i told you, it's over.
and that was all i said to her then. i turned around and walked out of whole foods, leaving my cart full of food just standing there in the middle of the aisle. the groceries weren't worth it. nothing was worth it anymore.
she followed me out of the store and i realized i was going to have to turn and face her then.
you let me down, ryan, Holly said. you let everyone down. how could you? and she stared at me with this awful hurt, bewildered look in her beautiful blue eyes, like she was SURPRISED. like i hadn't been doing it all along.
i just--i--i can't do it anymore, i said.
can't do what?
THIS, i said. all this touring and--and albums--and just--THIS--
oh, bullSHIT, she screamed at me. that is such a fucking COP-OUT, ryan! YOU'RE a fucking COP-OUT! what the hell is wrong with you?! why are you fucking THROWING THIS AWAY?!
i turned and walked away from her, stepping into the path of a speeding minivan and not caring. i was halfway to my car and winding my way around grocery carts when Holly started yelling after me.
DON'T YOU FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM ME, RYAN ROSS! YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUN AWAY THIS TIME. I WON'T LET YOU RUN AWAY, RYAN. I WON'T LET YOU!
she was still standing there on the curb out in front of whole foods and all the rich hippie vegan celebrity freaks of l.a. stared at us making a scene as they wandered into the store for a week's worth of overpriced groceries. she looked so small and far away and so pretty and so sweet, even through all her anger, and that made me angry in return because she was right--how could i do this to her? i was a horrible person.
but i yelled back.
YOU CAN'T STOP ME. IT'S MY FUCKING LIFE. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
NO, RYAN! I WON'T LET YOU--
YOU CAN'T STOP ME--
NO! she screamed, and i had never heard her scream like that. NO! I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T LET YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! I WON'T LET YOU SELF-DESTRUCT!
she paused for a moment and i didn't know what to say either so we both just stared at each other, not really knowing what to do because everything was such a mess and who knew it was so hard to cut all the strings and fly away? i guess i just never counted on anyone Loving me the way Holly did. i never thought there would be someone there to steady my hand.
she bit her lip and tried another tactic. PLEASE DON'T, RYAN. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. PLEASE--
but i have to, i said in such a feeble voice.
she heard me anyway.
NO! YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T DO THIS RYAN! I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T LET YOU, I WON'T, I WON'T LET YOU...
and she just stood there shouting at me across the wide gray stretch of parking lot. a car passed between us, a smear of red metallic movement that obscured her face for the tiniest fraction of a second, and when the image of her resurfaced, she was crying.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? she said, and even though she was screaming, crying, pouring all the love and hate and fear and anger of the past six months into every single word at the top of her lungs, the words sounded so quiet and soft when they echoed in my head. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU'VE PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY?
what are you gonna do?
it was the first time anyone had ever asked me such a thing directly and i felt the rippling of goosebumps across my flesh that was my body acknowledging the truth of it all. and then as i saw the look on her face in that moment, i realized for the first time just how hard it was to Love me, and how hard it was for her to Love me--and that she did it anyway. how do you deserve that kind of Love, when you're a stranger to it in the first place? i didn't deserve her Love. i didn't know how to.
i just stood there staring at her across the parking lot while she cried and some part of me remembered being young and hurt and wishing that someone would Love me this way, and now that someone did, i was throwing all of it away. i knew what i was doing all along, you see, that's the tragedy of it. while i left Vegas and left the band and left brendon and left Holly, i watched myself cut all those strings and then i watched the balloons float away on the breeze, knowing how much i would miss them, knowing how much i would bleed. but i did it anyway.
you're not going to make it, ryan, said Holly, and her voice was so small that it was a miracle that i even heard it at all. you're not going to make it because you won't let yourself. why do you keep sabatoging yourself this way?
because, i said, there is something inside of me that i need to kill.
i didn't have the balls to go to her, sorry bastard that i was. but suddenly my eyes burned and i felt so faint and weak and i couldn't see straight, and then she was there, her arms wrapped around me and her tiny warm hand pressed against the back of my neck, cradling my head against her shoulder and i didn't feel comforted at all. those words had come out of my mouth without my permission and they were so foreign to me, they didn't make sense. they were so sad. was i so sad?
it was that thing inside of me that made me so sad, that had turned me into the kind of monster i had always hated most. that thing had to die. i had to kill it. i had to kill it. i had to. maybe i would die along with it but that didn't matter, i had to kill the thing. the words were so scary, but i wasn't afraid--not anymore. i think i had known this all along somehow. i had always known that the thing had to die.
maybe that's why i cut the strings on all my balloons. maybe i was just setting them free so they could be far away from me when i finally self-destructed. maybe i was trying to save them from the blast.
the thing is, i never meant to hurt anyone. i never meant to hurt brendon or spencer or jon or even panic at the disco, and i never meant to hurt the people who fell asleep with my words in their head at night, who followed us through everything, hoping and praying that we wouldn't let them down--even when we did. even when I did, finally.
and i never meant to hurt Dad either. i never meant to leave him there all alone regretting things that i never really blamed him for anyway. i never meant to sit there dry-eyed and numb at his funeral. i never meant to put the white before everything else and let my world go all to hell, just like he used to put the bottles before our life together when i was small. i never meant to turn around and become the one thing i had always sworn i would never be.
and i certainly never meant to hurt Holly--Holly who was the only one to ever truly Love me. Holly who Loved me even when i wouldn't Love her back.
i wish i could go back and make everything okay with everyone but it's just so impossible. i would hurt them in the end. they don't realize what i am. that i kill everything i touch. because brendon was right--i AM toxic.
DIE RYAN DIE i thought as Holly held me in the parking lot and all i wanted was to be far away from her so i could hurt myself some more and she wouldn't get hurt too. i remembered the straight white powdered lines and the flashes of so many cameras and my reflection in the mirror--i remembered looking at myself and thinking no wonder Dad always wanted to hit me because i had one of those stupid-looking faces that you just want to hit and i wanted to hit me too, and i had already met the white lines four times that day so i tried to hit myself but instead i hit the mirror and all i got in the end was seven years of bad luck and thirteen stiches in my knuckles and my stupid-looking face was fine. the thing inside me was alive and well.
but it didn't matter because i decided right then in that fucking parking lot that i would kill the thing tonight.
♠ ♠ ♠
"You know those days when you get the mean reds?""The mean reds, you mean like the blues?"
"No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of."