Aconite

Can you blame me for being insane? It’s not my fault I have a weak mind, an easily breakable mind. And you were the one that dropped it so many times, but I can’t judge anyone, I killed you, my love.

If someone asked me what was the biggest mistake of my life I wouldn’t know how to answer, but if I had one wish, right now, I’d wish you were here.

I’ve been stopping myself from remembering that faithful night for years, but it has became too much.

I guess if I’m going to tell a story I must start from the beginning…

You were always that guy. The one that got everything he wanted, but we were happy.

We were happy until one day. The day happiness turned to misery in a second. It was as easy as you wanting.

I had never noticed before, but I did that night, when the love I had for you stopped clouding my eyes, I saw it. The insanity you showed in your eyes.

You made love to me. I’m not gonna say rape because that’s not what it was. You never meant to. You were caring and gentile, but the insanity in your eyes never stopped intimidating me. The way you acted, as if nothing had ever happened, it made me doubt myself. I’d catch myself thinking that I had imagined everything, but I knew, deep down I hadn’t.

Can you blame me for not wanting my prince charming to turn into the monster he was supposed to save me from?

We were never the same after that. Not actually, I wasn’t the same after that and as a consequence our relationship wasn’t the same either. And what was to be expected from us? From you? What does the insane person do after whatever awful thing he does goes right? He repeats it. He does it again and again until he gets caught or killed.

That’s what you did. You were turning me into a toy. A doll to play with. And it didn’t take much longer for me to become insane too. Of course that’s not the way they saw it. To them what I said were nothing but mere lies. For them you was the loving caring husband that never deserved what I did. And maybe it’s true, you didn’t deserve but I don’t think I did either and your craziness what killing me, slowing turning me into a monster. Oh the irony! I’m the monster now. I have always been the monster out of the two of us. You were never a monster to me. Never.

So I figured it out.

I was going to kill you.

And I was going to kill you by poisoning because I knew I didn’t have it in me to stab you and let you bleed on the floor, or put something around your neck and let it suck the air out of your lungs. No I could never do it.

I was looking around some site on the internet and that’s when I saw it.

Aconite.

It was a plant. A pretty harmless looking flower. I could easily have it somewhere in the middle of the other flowers in the garden. It was very simple. The plant was highly poisonous and could kill you even through the touch and that’s how I was doing it.

I found some kind of site that sold them; you can find anything on the internet.

It got here not long after. Maybe a week. I didn’t even have to plant it on the garden. I just put on some proper gloves and cut it like you would any flower. I carefully laid it on top of the pot.

When you got home that night my mind was numb but my body seemed to be working fine. I picked up the flower, using the gloves and walked to the hall way where you were hanging your coat.

“Look, isn’t it pretty?” I asked. You turned around and eyed the flower.

“Very.”

“I found it in the garden today. Consider it a present.” I gave you the best fake smile I could muster. I don’t think you could tell the difference. I don’t really smile anymore.

You reached for it. I handed it to you, happy I wasn’t holding the pretty killer anymore.

“Thanks. It’s beautiful.” No. You shouldn’t be thanking me.

After dinner, that’s when it started. The moment you got up your hand were reaching for your throat. I read about it. You couldn’t feel your neck.

You reached for me but I could only watch.

Next your knees gave out; you couldn’t feel your body. It had spread until your feet.

You laid there on the ground. I wondered when your heart would start speeding, and that’s when you put your hand over your heart. I could see the tears shinning in your face. I cried two lonely tears: one from happiness other from sorrow.

I got up and kneeled next to your restless body. I was sorry for causing you so much pain, and I knew you were in a lot of pain.

I rested your head in my lap and softly stroked your hair.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered kissing your cold head. “I love you.”

Then, as if you had choked on my words, you stopped breathing.