All I Want To Say

For the past months, I have dreamt of only one thing. All I wanted was for her to be happy when she had to go. For her to get a final wish granted. Today, my dream would come true.

“How you doing?” I asked, holding back sobs. I had to do that every time I spoke to her now.

“I feel great.” Her voice was raspy, but the squeeze she gave my hand was strong enough to make me think, maybe, just maybe she would make it through this.

Her body then began to shake with coughs. I handed her a cup of water. Megan took it from me gratefully.

“So how has your life been?” She asked with a small smile.

I looked at her swallow face. Dark purple circles surrounded her eyes and her lips were dry as bone. She looked as though she could already be dead. I cringed visibly as I let that though cross my mind.

“You should know as well as me, I’ve spent the last few weeks of it here with you!” I chuckled quietly and she joined in. Oh how I would miss her laugh. A few tears started to run down my cheeks.

“Don’t cry!” She scolded me, slapping my hand lightly.

I sniffled loudly, “I can’t help it sometimes!” I let out a small sob.

Megan’s mom walked in the room then. She looked almost as bad as her daughter lying in the hospital bed. The last months had taken a lot out of her. I swear in the last three weeks I have watched her age visibly day by day.

“Hey, Mary!” I said, getting up to give her a hug. We had also become closer than most mother-of-bestfriend relationships lately.

“Hi, Paul has Bryce down at the food court. I can stay with Megs for a while if you need to go do anything.” She gave me a meaningful look and I know she was telling me to make sure things were set for the surprise we had set up for Megan later in the day. I smiled at her and nodded my head. I grabbed my purse from the floor beside Megan’s bed and then gave Megan a soft hug. She ran her hand over the bare skin of my head that matched hers, like she did every time I was close enough for her to do so.

“I’ll see you later!” She said and I waved as I left the room.

I made my way through the hospital, down the elevator, and outside into a small garden type area.

I took out my cell phone and found the correct number in my contacts list.

It rang only twice before a familiar voice answered.

“Hello?” Brain’s voice came from the other end.

“Hi, Brian? It’s Taylor, you know, the girl who you all are coming to see today?”

“Yeah, I know who it is! What’s up?”

“I was just calling to see whereabouts y’all were and to confirm the time?”

“We actually just got to our hotel.”

“What hotel are you at?”

“The La Quinta.”

“Awesome! That’s only a couple blocks away from the hospital!”

“I know. Do you want to come over here and meet with the band before we go to the hospital?” This hadn’t been part of our original plan, but it made sense.

“Sure! I’ll be there in like ten minutes okay?”

“Yep.” He hung up.

I wrote a text message to Mary, letting her know where I was going and then got in my car and drove to the hotel. I stopped at Starbucks on the way and got coffee for me and the people I was going to meet. Anyone would be crazy to show up to meet this band with coffee and not have some for everybody.

I walked into the lobby of the La Quinta hotel and saw Brain sitting on a sofa, waiting for me.

“You brought coffee!”

“Yeah, I wanted some and knew you all would kill me if I didn’t bring enough for all!” It was much easier to attempt to be my enthusiastic self when I was away from the constant hospital environment.

Brain took one of the trays of coffee from me and led me to their room on the ground floor. He slid the plastic card into the door and pulled it out again. A click sounded from the lock and he pulled the metal door handle to let me inside.

We walked together down the small hallway and into the room with two queen sized beds. The band members were all sitting on the bed closest to us when we came into view. Their faces were happy looking with a shadow of sadness in each of their eyes.

“Hey guys!” Brian brought our entrance to the boys attention, “Taylor bought you guys coffee.”

“Coffee!” Gerard and Frank sang in sync as I handed them their cups.

All the boys gave me a hug in turn after they had their coffee. I had always dreamt meeting these people in a much different way than this, but this was much preferred.

“Please, have a seat,” Ray motioned an empty spot in the circle they had formed on the bed.

I sat down.

“So what’s going on?” Bob asked hesitantly, I could tell from his expression that he didn’t want to upset me with the question.

“Well, you all know about Megan. I will never ever in a million years be able to express how thankful I am that you would take time out of your lives to come and do this for her.” I could feel myself starting to choke up at my own words, “She has wanted to meet you or even just see you in concert for so long,” I threw a glance at Mikey, who Megan had a deep infatuation with, “And I knew it just wouldn’t be fair for her to never get that.” A real sob escaped my throat as I said this. Frank, who was sitting closest to me, wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I covered my eyes and let myself go for a minute; letting out all that I had to hold in at the hospital for Megan and her family’s sake.

“I’m sorry,” I wiped a hand across my face and accepted a tissue from Ray.

“Don’t be sorry.” Mikey said, looking me right in the eyes, “It’s amazing what you’ve done for your friend. For Megan. Look at your head, look at us, look at everything you’ve accomplished for her sake! You can cry if you want to, you deserve it more than anyone.”

“Definitely.” Gerard agreed.

“So are there any special rules when we go to the hospital?” Brain asked.

“Well, we’re just not supposed to get her too excited, if that’s possible. Basically, so long as we aren’t disruptive, everything should be fine.”

I said my see-you-later’s to the band and drove back to the hospital. They would fallow me in twenty minutes.

“Hey there,” I said as I walked into Megan’s room. She had a huge smile on her face, Bryce and Paul, Megan’s brother and dad were now also in the room, talking to her about how their lives had been going.

“Taylor!” Megan said as I walked in, as if she hadn’t seen me in thirty years rather than thirty minutes.

Mary turned to look at me and I gave her a nod.

“Uhm, Megan, honey, we have a little, or not so little surprise for you.” Mary told her with a smile.

“Really?! What is it?” Megan asked.

“That’s the whole point of a surprise silly!” I told her with a laugh.

She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Anyways,” I said, “the surprise will be here in like fifteen minutes so I just wanted you to be prepared, okay? Try not to freak out too much, that could be very bad! Just be prepared for something amazing.” I smiled at her as she tried to figure out what it could be.

“And, honey, just know that this was all Taylor’s doing. Her idea, her determination, her everything! The only thing I did was provide adult consent and finalize planning.”

There was a look of absolute love and curiosity on Megan’s face as she looked at me now.

I sat on the bed talking with Megan until a nurse came in and said there was someone here to see me.

I beamed at Megan and walked into the hallway to retrieve the members of My Chemical Romance.

I stood in the doorway for a moment and said, “Megan, now remember what I told you! Don’t freak out too awful much, I don’t want anything bad to happen!”

I stepped inside the room, keeping my eyes on Megan whose eyes were on the doorway and motioned for the boys to come in.

The look on Megan’s face when she saw MCR file into the small room was one of extreme confusion that soon changed to shock and then tears welled in her eyes and she looked at me.

I hugged her and introduced everyone in turn, saving Mikey for last.

They each gave her a long, tight hug and she started to cry freely. The band stayed and talked with us for hours, until visiting times were over. Before they left, they gave me and Megan both hugs that we would never forget and I could swear I saw Mikey plant a small kiss on her forehead.

When they were gone, Megan and I lay side by side in her hospital bed, saying nothing, just lying there hugging each other, thinking of what had just occurred and how she could now go in peace.

One Week Later

I had heard the news three long hours ago, yet I still couldn’t keep myself from crying. I lay in my bed, hugging a Friendship Bear and sobbed until there was no water left in me, then cried some more. It was a never ending process.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket with shaky fingers, remembering the promise I had made to the band, rather to Mikey, a week before.

I dialed the number and waited.

“Hello?” Came Mikey’s voice from the other end.

“It’s Taylor, Mikey.” My voice was nasally and wet, “Uhm, she…Megan…” I couldn’t finish my sentence; it was choked off by a loud, roaring sob.

“I… I’m so sorry!” Mikey said.

“I just… I remembered that you wanted to know….when it happened.” I said between cries.

“Yeah, we did… Uhm, Taylor? Do you know anything about the… uh… funeral plans?”

This startled me a bit, “No, why?”

“Well, I just… We want to come.”

“Do you want Mary’s number?”

“Yeah, that would be great!”

Four Days Later

“I will always love her, and she will always mean more to me than anyone else I have ever met. She made such an impact on my life, I can’t even explain it.” I finished my speech with tears in my eyes.

I walked off the podium and stood aside for Mikey and the rest of the band to come up to the podium. They had insisted on being allowed to say a few words on Megan’s behalf, not that anyone had given them resistance.

“All I want to say,” Mikey began, the last of the band to go, “Is that, in the short couple of hours I got to spend with Megan, I got to know her better than I know most people I have known for years. She was someone special, and the world will never forget that.”