Smile
Through The Trees
Ryan saw Brendon’s smile before he even met him. He remembers the exact day: he was sitting in his front yard, watching the sun go down, and there was a certain way that the light shone through the trees just right that made Ryan’s heart lurch. He felt a tug in his chest for reasons he just couldn’t explain. He just thought I love you, I love you, I love you. And that was it. He could feel him.
He was a lonely teenager. Sure, he always had Spencer, a complete immovable comforting statue in his overgrowing garden of a life, but sometimes Spencer just wasn’t enough. It was horrible to say, but it was true. He always felt as if there was this huge hole in his heart that was never filled. He tried to let love take him, but no one caught his eye anymore. It was as if he was waiting for snow in this god forsaken desert. It was something that didn’t exist. Sometimes he just cried for the missing piece, not knowing what else to do.
It was stupid of him to worry so much over something that he didn’t and might never have. He knew that. He just couldn’t help the way he felt. He felt so cold sometimes. When he lay in bed at night, he couldn’t fall asleep unless his hands were twined together as if someone else was there holding onto his fingers. He closed his eyes sometimes and imagined the weight of a body pressing up along his back. He allowed his imagination to get him through the day now.
The more he wished for it, the worse it got. Spencer asked what his problem was, but he just didn’t know. It wasn’t something that he could so readily put into words. He was just a lonely boy with nothing to show for his life but his pathetic existence. Fine. But there were times when his heart just tugged for reasons that he couldn’t explain. He couldn’t settle for just enough anymore. His life was so boring that he wanted to tug his hair out.
He just couldn’t fucking understand himself.
Then, one day while he was picking up a few things from the store, he saw Brendon: standing in an aisle and looking at the boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese. It was as if Ryan could see his thoughts in one of those cartoon thought bubble hovering above his head. Scooby-Doo shapes? Spongebob shapes? Maybe the shells? The three cheese is the best kind anyway…
And he just fucking knew. He knew this was it. He could feel it from the thrumming in his veins. His feet carried him to the other boy, the one with big eyes and perfect lips. Before he could stop himself, he was being bold and going after something for once in his life. Then he was saying, “I think the Spiderman shapes are pretty cool, but that’s just me.”
The boy blinked at him, obviously startled, but replied, “I do like Spiderman.” Then he gave Ryan that smile: the one Ryan recognized instantly. The same one from the trees. The bright and blinding and crooked shape. God, how he could sit and stare at it for hours. It just made Ryan melt in every way possible. “I’m Brendon.”
“Ryan,” he returned, smiling as well.
When Brendon took Ryan home later and tangled his limbs around him and said, “I know this is really soon, but I feel like this is real,” Ryan didn’t give kissing him a second thought.
He was a lonely teenager. Sure, he always had Spencer, a complete immovable comforting statue in his overgrowing garden of a life, but sometimes Spencer just wasn’t enough. It was horrible to say, but it was true. He always felt as if there was this huge hole in his heart that was never filled. He tried to let love take him, but no one caught his eye anymore. It was as if he was waiting for snow in this god forsaken desert. It was something that didn’t exist. Sometimes he just cried for the missing piece, not knowing what else to do.
It was stupid of him to worry so much over something that he didn’t and might never have. He knew that. He just couldn’t help the way he felt. He felt so cold sometimes. When he lay in bed at night, he couldn’t fall asleep unless his hands were twined together as if someone else was there holding onto his fingers. He closed his eyes sometimes and imagined the weight of a body pressing up along his back. He allowed his imagination to get him through the day now.
The more he wished for it, the worse it got. Spencer asked what his problem was, but he just didn’t know. It wasn’t something that he could so readily put into words. He was just a lonely boy with nothing to show for his life but his pathetic existence. Fine. But there were times when his heart just tugged for reasons that he couldn’t explain. He couldn’t settle for just enough anymore. His life was so boring that he wanted to tug his hair out.
He just couldn’t fucking understand himself.
Then, one day while he was picking up a few things from the store, he saw Brendon: standing in an aisle and looking at the boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese. It was as if Ryan could see his thoughts in one of those cartoon thought bubble hovering above his head. Scooby-Doo shapes? Spongebob shapes? Maybe the shells? The three cheese is the best kind anyway…
And he just fucking knew. He knew this was it. He could feel it from the thrumming in his veins. His feet carried him to the other boy, the one with big eyes and perfect lips. Before he could stop himself, he was being bold and going after something for once in his life. Then he was saying, “I think the Spiderman shapes are pretty cool, but that’s just me.”
The boy blinked at him, obviously startled, but replied, “I do like Spiderman.” Then he gave Ryan that smile: the one Ryan recognized instantly. The same one from the trees. The bright and blinding and crooked shape. God, how he could sit and stare at it for hours. It just made Ryan melt in every way possible. “I’m Brendon.”
“Ryan,” he returned, smiling as well.
When Brendon took Ryan home later and tangled his limbs around him and said, “I know this is really soon, but I feel like this is real,” Ryan didn’t give kissing him a second thought.
♠ ♠ ♠
:)