Jimmy

I looked up into the sky, seeing it being a beautiful light blue. The sun was beaming brightly on me as I lay on the soft green grass, admiring the clouds above me. I wondered quietly to myself about him and the world that was said to be above us. Was he up there? Was he looking down at us and watching over us? Did he laugh with us when we all sat in the bar after his funeral? Was he beside me right now, making shapes in the sky like I was? I could not help but wonder these things as I lay here, looking up at it.

I have tried not thinking about Jimmy for a while. I know he had only died Monday, but I knew I had to keep myself together for them. Leana was counting on me to be her crying shoulder, and if I was crying, then what rock can she lean on for support? Zack told me it was bad to keep my feelings locked up; Matt said I should let it out; Brian tried to booze me up to talk and Johnny tried passively getting it out of me. I was appreciative of all these attempts and that I had friends that cared, but I could not cry. I really could not.

I have cried all the tears I had left to shed.

I remember when I met him, Jimmy. He was an odd boy, but he was so enchanting at the same time. He had a whacky demeanor that impacted anyone that met him, and I was thankful to be one of them. I was even more thankful when that crazy man, that wonderful man, introduced me to my other half: Zack.

I thought about Zack. He had been so torn up when he heard of Jimmy’s demise. I had never seen him cry so much before, and when I did, my heart cracked. His beautiful green eyes had been swimming in tears; his voice was cracked and he did not speak to me. I remember holding him the entire night when we came home after the funeral. I stroked his soft black hair and kissed his full lips. I told him everything would be okay; that Jimmy was fine where he was. Zack just kept on crying.

Leana had been worse, because she had been Jimmy’s wife. I had been the only person she wanted to see when she left the hospital that day. She poured her entire heart out to me when we were alone in my bedroom. She had told me every little story she could remember about him; she showed me pictures and cried for hours about it. I even shed a tear when she told me the story of how they met, because it had been so similar to Zack and me.

Of course, I quickly covered it up.

Jimmy had been there when I first came to Huntington Beach, straight from my abusive home in Arizona. He had been the one to help me into rehab when I started using drugs, and had been there when my grandmother-the woman who had raised me since I came from Arizona-had finally passed. Jimmy had been my best friend, and will continue to be in my heart.

So, I look up into the sky hoping he is looking back. I could imagine his crystal blue eyes staring at me, with that goofy smile of his. I wish I had told him I loved him before he died. I wish I could talk to him now, because I never will again.

“Baby?”

I looked to see Zack walking towards me. He looked more beautiful than ever, in his black shirt and jeans. He had been wearing black these past few days. It was his symbolic way of mourning Jimmy. He had always been that type. That was what I loved about him…little smarty-pants.

He lied beside me and looked directly into my eyes. The green orbs I had grown to adore had not changed; they never will. I had been thinking a lot about Jimmy and how he had died; Leana’s heart-wrenching sobs when the doctor told her Jimmy was dead and it made me wonder what would happen if Zack had been the one that died. My heart broke just imaging it. I would not be able to live with myself if that were true. Zack was one of the only men I truly valued and loved in my life; if he had gone away, I would die with him…

“You okay, hun?” He asked, brushing some of my golden strands from my face.

“No,” I answered truthfully. “I miss him.”

“I know baby-doll. I know.” He kissed my gently on my lips, and he propped himself up above me. “You’ve been out here for a long time; I was just checking up on you.”

“You’re always checking up on me.”

“Because I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Nothing will.”

I looked back up at Jimmy in the sky. I remembered a time long ago when Jimmy and I had been in Central Park making shapes in the sky. He said it was a great way to pass time when you were waiting for something (what we were waiting for? I still do not know). I recalled how his black hair shined in the sunlight, and how the color in his eyes was clearly visible. I always told him his eyes were beautiful, but he would just blush and look away.

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Zack asked me after a moment of silence.

“At Jimmy. He’s up there somewhere, looking down at me, and I’m looking back.”

Zack kissed my cheek and then my lips. He said nothing to me as he lied on his back; stretched out his arms and took a glance at the sky. Zack had been the only one who understood my deep sense of thought. When everyone else stood completely fazed by my profound words, he was the only one who really took it into his mind. He himself said meaningful things once in a while; he even showed it sometimes through the way he did things. Matt used to poke fun at us and say we were King and Queen Sensitivity.

I guess we were…

“Is he saying anything?” Zack said with a smile.

“Yeah,” I smiled, “He’s telling me that he loves me-“

Then it happened. That small word made it come out. ‘Love’ had been Jimmy’s favorite word. He used it all the time to describe his feelings for things or people. He said it to me all the time when I had been going through withdrawal and was convinced no one loved me. Now saying this word out loud had caused a long stream of tears to flow from my eyes, and I could not stop them.

Zack said nothing as he held me close. I sobbed into his dark shirt, wishing I had not said the word at all.

I guess I still had some tears to shed….