The Journal

The silence... is kind of creeping me out...

I'm home alone right now. The speakers on my computer are broken. I can't find the remote to the TV and the buttons on the TV don't work. My iPod is God only knows where.

The only sound is my typing...

It's kind of unnerving... The silence always makes me uneasy. That's why I got on here in the first place. Keep my mind off of it. Oh and I can't call anyone because my phone had an unfortunate run in with my door...

Mama is pissed needless to say. We don't have a lot of money as it is and I broke a brand new cell phone...

If you're wondering why I threw my phone it's because of Nick.

He's being such a fucking jerk and I just... snapped. I'm still not really calmed down. I would have thrown something else at him if Mama hadn't screamed at us. She hasn't yelled at us in a long time. Not since we were little anyway.

Nick's at Jynx's house. Mama's at her nighttime job.

All my aunts and uncles and cousins are starting to leave to go back home.

Trevor is at home baby sitting his sisters.

Bunny is still in Florida and now I have no way of contacting him...

Alex is... heck I have no idea where Alex is and there's a chance that I don't want to know where he is.

I partially wish I didn't throw my phone at Nick. Or at least that it hadn't broken in two... Then I could call Bunny or Trevor. I really need to talk to one of them right now. Even Alex would do... I just need to talk to someone...

Talking to you imaginary people doesn't really cut it very well...

I'm debating whether to go to bed or not. I've been getting extremely tired lately. My head is constantly pounding and I haven't had an appetite in the past week.

Nick wants me to go to the doctor. That's what we were fighting about. The fight kind of went like this:

I had just gotten home from Trevor's house. Nick was on the sofa watching some show that I didn't pay attention to. I opened the door to my room and tossed my bag in and went to get some water.

When I came back into the living room Nick said, "You look pale."

I responded, "I am pale."

"Paler than normal..." is what he said. He looked at me with a critical eye like he was looking for a crack in a famous sculpture or something.

"You have really dark purple circles under your eyes too. Your hand is shaking."

I looked down at the hand that had the bottle of water and sure enough it was shaking. I shrugged it off. I already knew where he was getting with this. He was the only one besides Trevor and Bunny who knew about my cutting...

"If you're sick you need to tell Mama."

"Not gonna happen Nick. I'm fine."

"Bull shit your fine!" he said. He stood up from the couch and looked at me almost like he was about to hit me. I knew he wouldn't though so I just stared him down and sipped my water.

"Dammit... Christian." His fists were balled up. If a wall had been closer he probably would have punched it. I just walked around him into my room and shut the door. I grabbed for a jacket that had been on the floor but then realized that it had been moved since I'd left.

I heard the door open behind me and when I turned around Nick was standing there holding the razor that had been hidden in the jacket.

"I can just get another one." I told him.

I think that's what set him off. He started screaming. I was actually caught off guard by how loud and sudden it was. I don't really remember much of what he said.

At one point I started yelling back. I told him to get out of my room. When he didn't that's when I just snapped and threw the closest thing. That happened to be my phone.

Mama came home after that. Nick didn't show her the razor and neither of us told her what we were fighting about. She didn't have time to question us long. She had to get to her night job.

That's a good and a bad thing about her working both day and night. Good because I can get away with things I wouldn't if she were here even half the time. Bad for the same reason I guess.

Awhile ago I heard Nick slam the front door. When I came out of my room to see what was going on I found a note on the couch that just said, "Jynx's".

Sooo.... That's all I can really think to say now... I think I may actually head on into my room. (In case you missed it, our computer isn't a laptop so it stays in the living room.)

Bye for now imaginary people...

-CD