Believing

Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

My heart is beating wildly from running so much. I turn off the treadmill and wipe the sweat off my forehead with the rag I always bring with me to the gym. I always come to the gym when I feel over emotional. It gets my mind off of things. The same thing with studying but that’s more like for heartbreak. This is for anger.

Shut up and go the weight section. I think to myself.

I pick up the ten pound weights, which is the most my scrawny arms can carry, and begin lifting them. The feel of my muscles stretching relaxes me and the strain to keep lifting keeps my mind off of my fight with Rosie and confrontation with Eric.

I stop when my arms hurt so much that they burn and drink water from the water fountain. I look out the window to see the sun beginning to set and decide to go home. I drag myself to the locker rooms and pull out the clothes I brought with me. I set the clothes on the bench near the showers and grab a towel, soap, and the other shit you need to take a shower.

The warm water soothes my muscles and I feel myself relax under the hot stream of water. I take a long shower to be able to avoid my brother at home. If I got there after six, I wouldn’t have to cross paths with him.

Shut up, just shut up. I think to myself as I apply shampoo to my short hair.

I dry off and change into my clothes. I put the sweaty ones I used to exercise in the bag I brought with me and leave the empty gym. I find my motor scooter in the parking lot and store everything in the basket it has. I put on my helmet and start the engine.
Zooming off home, it makes me feel dread and free somehow. I love the feeling of speeding on my scooter. The wind whipping at my face. The feeling of flying you get. The way my stomach feels like it’s going to explode.

Riding the scooter makes me free but it’s the destination that chains me.
I get home soon. Too soon. I see the living room light on and know it’s Max in there, watching TV. I breathe in deeply and whisper to myself to stop being a coward. I grab my bag and open the front door.

Max’s head whips back and his blue eyes, that are the exact replica of mine, seem to turn into ice. He glares at me while I try to keep tears from spilling out of my eyes. The sting his words caused months ago begins to flare up, causing my body to tense in pain. They say that words never cause physical pain. They were wrong.

It was a month after Lizzie had run away from school. Two months before today. I walked to the table me and my brother always share whenever we’re going through problems. I smiled slightly when I saw Max, like always. He was my best friend.

He turned around and the look in his eyes made me stop. His eyes seemed to make me turn to ice; freeze me to my very core. I didn’t understand, couldn’t understand why he was looking at me like that. He has never looked at me like that.

He stood up from his seat and stood in front of me. His eyes never left mine when he said it.

“I hate you.”

“Why?”

“You made her leave.”

“W-what? No I didn’t! What are you talking about, Max?”

“You fucking bitch! You made her leave!”

“Max! Calm down! I didn’t make her leave!”

“Stop lying! You made her leave. You didn’t love her like a sister should! She was in pain and you didn’t do anything to help her! You fucking whore! Why didn’t you help her?”

“Max! Let go of me, I didn’t make her go!”

“You retard! You don’t know shit! You fucking home wrecker! You ruined this fucking family! You! Not mom, dad, Lizzie, or me! You!”

Whenever I catch Max’s eyes, I always remember that moment. He had grabbed my arms and was shaking me and screaming. He had screamed terrible names after his speech and when he was finished, pushed me to the floor and left me to be stared at by curious teenagers.

I still can’t understand why he thought I had ruined the family. Our family has always been broken. We had always had trouble loving one another. Before, it had been in crack in glass of our lives. Hardly noticeable but there. It eventually turned into a series of cracks and eventually the glass broke. Leaving behind a broken family with no love towards each other anymore.

Max is still glaring at me and I have long gone lost the battle between my tears. They’re streaming down my face and I don’t wipe them away. Everything is wrong. Rosie, Eric, Max, Lizzie, Mom, and Dad are all broken because of me. I may not know how but I know that, somehow, because of me, I caused the pain in my life.

And I have to fix it.

Ж¥€
The days are all becoming a blur.

No memories are made in between each monotone day. A routine is made. Wake up. Get dressed. Eat. Go to Starbucks. Go to school. Ignore Eric. Avoid Rosie. Leave school. Go to gym. Go home. Avoid Max. Do home homework. Fall asleep. Repeat the next day.
It’s been a month since I’ve officially lost feelings for Eric. I feel nothing when I see him now. No yearning to be folded into his arms. No ghost of his lips on mine. No memory of his voice laughing whenever I told a cheesy joke.

Nothing.

He’s tried everything to get me back. Flowers. Chocolates. Writing songs and stuffing them in my locker. Following me around school, begging for forgiveness.

Nothing’s working for him. He’s never getting me back. The only words I’ve told in the past were “Give up,” and he doesn’t get the message.

I don’t know why, but today feels different. Today, I wake up expecting something. I don’t know exactly what I’m expecting but it feels refreshing to feel something after such a long time of black and white. I need a splash of color back in the portrait I call my life.

I dress brightly today. Vibrant yellow shirt and white pants. A bright yellow headband that holds my bangs back since they’ve grown too long. I don’t know where this surge of hope came from but I hope my expectations, whatever they are, come true. I need excitement in my life. I don’t want any more mind-numbing days.

I skip breakfast and speed my way to Starbucks. But as I get closer to my favorite place in the world, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach that tells me this isn’t the place to go. I don’t know why. I will never know why I just got this feeling. So I turn around and drive to school.
I realize that driving to school now means being an hour early but my gut is just telling me to go now. I’ve never been one to follow my gut feeling. It’s, ask questions first, then act. Right now, though, I just know I have to go now. Because if I don’t go now, then I know I’m going to lose something good.

As I get nearer to the school, I feel a pull towards one of the deserted hallways. Well, all hallways are deserted at this time but this one, it’s always deserted. No one walks through here. So why am I here?

“I didn’t know anyone else came to school so early.”

I turn around and face possibly the most handsome boy on the planet. That’s an exaggeration but he’s really good-looking. Light brown hair with natural blonde highlights that fall in waves over his forehead. A light tan and lean, muscular body. Big, dark brown eyes that are so dark, they seem to be pupil-less. Most would be repelled because of his eyes but they’re so dark, they look like a black hole that you can just fall into and be swallowed whole. And I’m the sort of person that likes that.

He’s the exact opposite of Eric in looks.

“Yeah, I guess I’m just a morning person.” I say brightly. “I’m Lexi.”

“James,” He nods. “I just moved here from Georgia. “

“Oh, looks like we have a new kid,” I tease. “I’ll show you around school later, if you want.”

“Sure, “He says indifferently. “I’ll probably get lost without someone to show me around.”

“Probably?”

He chuckles softly. “Shut up.”

I smile. “What grade are you in?”

“I’m a junior, squirt,” He smirks and pats my head. I grimace. He’s pretty much almost six feet tall. The height difference between us is comical. “Bet you’re a freshman.”

“Haha, I’m in the same year as you. Asshole,” He’s still smirking and it’s getting on my nerves. Yet, at the same time, my heart is beating wildly.

“Then I hope we get classes together,” He says. “You seem interesting. Different from most high school girls. Guess I’m going to have to spend the rest of the year figuring out what skeletons you’re hiding in your closet.”

I stare at him. He’s still smirking and I feel like wiping it off his face.

“You’ll never figure me out,” I say calmly. “Besides, it’ll be you whose skeletons will be revealed.”

“Whatever,” He smiles slightly in amusement and by now I notice that the hallway is now full of other students hurrying to get their books out of their lockers to get to class.

“What’s your homeroom?” I ask.

“Whoa, we just met. I think we’re moving too fast,” He teases and I roll my eyes as he hands me his schedule.

“We have homeroom, math, and science together,” I grumble out. He chuckles and motions for me to show him the way to homeroom. I glare at him and lead him to it.

This year just got interesting.