Ignorance is Kind

The next two months of school were more awkward than you'd think. Neither Matt nor I could look at the other. We didn't joke around in class anymore. I didn't comment on the face that I loved history when I walked through his classroom door. There were no more stolen glances at each other from across the cafeteria.

It was like Hell. I hated that I was unable to make him laugh. I hated that he never smiled, showing his dimples, at me. And I went into a jealous rage every time Tiffany Carlisle stood up at his desk to ask a question and made him laugh and touched his arm.

Jess didn't understand what was wrong. She asked me time and time again, but I refused to tell her. Jordan was as happy as a clam at the fact that whatever had been going on between Mr. Sanders and I had stopped.

But it hadn't really stopped. There were times when I'd walk by him into class and he'd tense up. I knew he was still scared as shit that I was going to tell someone what had happened. Every once and awhile our eyes would meet while he gave a lecture. Immediately we would both look away. Though we hadn't spoken in almost a month, I couldn't help but stare at him when he wasn't looking. Many a time Jess had to nudge me to get me to pay attention to what he was saying. My mind always went back to the night he babysat me.

I was startled from my thoughts when something heavy was dropped on the desktop in front of me. I shook my head and looked around the room. Everyone was looking back at me. My cheeks flared up.

The object that had been dropped on my desk was a textbook and the person who had dropped it there was Mr. Sanders. He stood next to my desk with his arms crossed over his chest. It worried me, but only because I couldn't tell if he was legit angry or not.

"Would you like to answer my question, Ms. Baker?" His voice was flat; bored.

I wondered to myself when I'd become Ms. Baker. I stared up at him with nothing to say. I had no idea what his question was and he knew that. I honestly was scared that he was going to yell at me. Sure we hadn't really been on the best of terms the past couple months, but was he really angry at me?

"You didn't hear my question, did you, Ms. Baker?"

Though I didn't think that it was possible, my cheeks heated up even more. I felt tears prick my eyes at my embarrassment as I shook my head in reply to his question. "No."

He was quiet for a moment. "See me after class," he said, the look on his face was one I couldn't quite place.

I nodded and he turned around, walking back to the front of the room. He asked if anyone else would like to answer the question. Tiffany Carlisle raised her hand. Mr. Sanders called on her. I put my head down on my arms on top of my desk and let the tears fall.

*

Even after the bell rang I didn't get up from my desk. I heard everyone else gather their things to leave. I was happy Mr. Sanders had third period planning period and I had another study hall; I wouldn't be late for any classes and no one would be around when he yelled at me.

It took about ten minutes, but eventually I heard the legs of his chair scrape lightly across the carpeted floor and soft footsteps walking towards me. I heard him sit in the desk to my right; Jessica's seat.

He put his hand on my shoulder. "Hope?"

I turned to look at him. Though his eyes were already soft when I hadn't been looking at him, they grew even softer when he saw my puffy, red ones. My cheeks felt raw.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, his voice hardly a whisper in the too quiet room.

I ignored his question. "Are you mad at me?"

"Hope, why would I be mad at you?" He was genuinely confused.

I tried to figure out a better way to say the words I wanted to say, but couldn't figure anything out. I said it as bluntly as possible. "Because I kissed you."

"Hope," he started. His words stopped abruptly and I saw on his face that he was trying to figure out what to say. "That wasn't your fault," he said slowly. "I put you in a compromising situation, and I shouldn't have. It was very wrong of me."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I asked, voice sharp.

His brow furrowed over his eyes. "Saying what?"

I shook my head, gathering my textbook and notebook into my arms. I slung by backpack strap over my shoulder and stood up. I stared down at him as he stared up at me. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe I wanted to kiss you, too?" I turned on my heel and started to leave the classroom.

Matt called after me, but I continued on my way.