Sink Into Me

After I’d shed a few tears I washed my face quickly to dispose of the tears that had fallen as I had to be strong. I didn’t want anyone finding out about this. That was the thing with me you see, I liked to keep quite a lot to myself, and this was one of those things that I just wanted to forget about. I know that you’re thinking “How could you not tell someone?! Look what’s happened to you!” and I was thinking that myself believe me, but I just felt that if I told someone I’d feel weak, and weak was one thing I wasn‘t. As I opened my bedroom door and made my way towards my bed with Adam’s scarf in hand, ignoring the soft knocks on the door as Hayden’s voice rang worriedly through it, I sat down and as that gut-wrenching feeling suddenly returned, but for a different reason. I’d completely forgotten that Adam knew, he knew what’d happened, he knew about the cut across my neck, he could be telling everyone as I sat there thinking, or he could’ve already told them, I couldn‘t stay there, it was too agonising. That’s how I made the most heartbreaking decision I’d had to make in the weeks I’d been in New York - I had to go home. The tears began to fall again as I got up and walked to my wardrobe and pulled my bag out of it that I’d previously shoved in there those weeks that felt like a life-time ago. I found one of my many hoodies that I brought with me to New York and took it off of the shelf and un-zipped it, sliding it on and zipping in up right to the top. The hoodie was enough to hide the cut but I wanted to be extra careful that it couldn’t be seen so I also pulled out a white and black thin checkered scarf so that I didn’t have to use Adam’s anymore, and tied it around my neck loosely. I pulled my suitcase out of the bottom of the wardrobe and un-zipped it quickly, beginning to pull the majority of my clothes off of their hangers and tossing them carelessly into it. I turned my head to look at the clock resting on the table by the side of my bed which read “11:05PM” I sighed as I realised I wasn’t going to be able to get home that night as it was too last minute, it would’ve had to be tomorrow.

“Taylor, let me in!” Hayden demanded as she knocked on the door loudly.

I sighed as I shoved my suitcase back into the wardrobe and shut the doors and made my way into the bathroom quickly, checking my appearance to see if the cut was visible and thankfully it wasn’t, so I took a deep breath and pushed all of my emotions aside and walked out of the bathroom and to the door, opening it slowly.

“What’s the matter?” I asked calmly as I opened the door for her to step inside.

“I’ve been calling you for ages, what was that all about when you walked in?” She questioned.

“Oh, I just wanted to come and get changed as on the way home I tripped over and dropped the drinks, I should really go and give everyone their money that I now owe them.” I chuckled half heartedly as I manoeuvred around her.

“Oh-kay? Well, Matt said I can stay again tonight, if that’s alright with you?” She asked as she made her way further into my room.

“Yeah, that’s fine with me.” I smiled.

And it was, I really wanted her to stay as it was going to be the last night I was going to see her for a while, and it saddened me to think that I really didn’t know when I’d see her again, considering in reality we lived on opposite sides of the world.

“Who’s scarf is that?” She questioned as she made her way over to my bed and picked up Adam’s scarf.

Fuck.

“It’s Adams.” I sighed, knowing I couldn’t lie as I walked over to her.

“Why do you have his scarf?” She asked, utterly confused.

I grabbed it out of her hand quickly and tried to think of a lie. “I bumped into him after I dropped the drinks near Starbucks, and he gave me it to wipe all of sticky mess they’d made off of my hands and I guess I forgot I had it” I shrugged.

It was the worst lie I’d ever told as it sounded complete bullshit but I hoped she believed it.

“Since when has Adam been nice to you?!” She exclaimed.

“Honestly? I have no idea.” I chuckled.

“Okay well, I guess I’ll see you in a while then, that is if they don‘t all kill you for dropping their drinks.” she laughed as she gently pushed me out of the door.

“Yeah alright, alright! I’m going, calm down!” I chuckled as I walked the last few steps out of the door and made my way to the stairs, the scarf in hand.

A lump rose in my throat as I clutched the scarf tightly. I had to find a way to get Adam on his own so I could give him his scarf back and also so that I could find out if he had told everyone or not, but I suppose I could see that by if everyone ran up to me and started yelling at me concerned or something, but if he hadn’t told anyone which I prayed he hadn’t, I’d have to make sure that he didn’t. As I reached the last step I breathed deeply as I walked slowly towards and then made my way into the living room.

“Hey! Where’s my drink?!” Matt laughed as he got up and walked towards me.

“Mine too!” Fred, Mark, Eddie and Lidia said in unison. Creepy.

“On the floor…I accidentally dropped them.” I admitted as I laughed gently.

I sighed a soft sigh of relief as I realised that none of them were none the wise of what happened.

“Where’s my money then, loser?!” Matt grinned as he hugged me from the side.

“Relax, here.” I chuckled as I pulled the money out of my pocket and put it on the glass table in front of them.

“There you go, kill each other for the most money.” I laughed as Matt removed his arms from around me and literally jumped in front of the table, grabbing the money.

I zoned out as they all began fighting over “who deserved the most money” as it had only just hit that Adam wasn’t there, and I needed to find him, I know he hadn’t said anything yet, but I couldn’t risk him telling anyone under any circumstances so I needed to speak to him, and fast. I couldn’t ask anyone where he was though as it’d look too suspicious, so I took the opportunity whilst everyone else was distracted to walk out of the living room. I made my way quickly to the kitchen to see if he was in there, but unfortunately for me, he wasn’t. I sighed as I tried to think where he could’ve been.

“Looking for me?” Adam said from behind me as I jumped.

“Jeeze,Adam!” I screeched as I tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.

“Sorry…but what do you want?” He questioned.

“To..er..give you this.” I said awkwardly as I pushed the scarf into his chest.

“It’s got blood on it.” He stated as he examined it.

“Well, just wash it.” I scoffed as I rolled my eyes.

“It’s your blood, you should wash it.” He said as he attempted to give me the scarf back.

“Do we really have to do this now?!” I exclaimed.

“Well no, but it seemed fit.” He shrugged.

I just rolled my eyes. Typical.

“I don’t want you to tell anyone about what happened tonight.” I stated.

“Why not?” He questioned.

I rolled my eyes. “Because Adam, I want to keep it to myself, I don’t want anyone knowing, and I don’t want you telling anyone either, okay?” I said harshly.

I know I owed him a lot, but I couldn’t help but be mad.

“You don’t have to be so bitchy about it.” He spat.

Here we go again.

“I think I have a right to be, just whatever Adam, just don’t tell anyone, and if I find you have, you will be sorry, as it’s all your fault in the first place.” I seethed.

“Whatever, Taylor.” He scoffed as he walked off up the stairs.

Same old Adam.

Once I’d heard his door slam shut I began to walk back up the stairs slowly. I really couldn’t wait to go home, I wouldn’t have to deal with Adam and his smart-assness anymore, and I wouldn’t have to wake up every morning and automatically be reminded of what happened just by being here. Although I was sad to be leaving as until the last few days it pretty much had been the best weeks of my life and I felt like my life had changed for the better as I now had people I genuinely couldn’t be more thankful for, and it made me realise how much I cared for Matt, not that I hadn’t cared for him before I came to New York, but since I’d been with him for over a month I couldn’t help but feel that we’d grown even closer, even though I didn’t think that was possible, but it had happened. It was awful to think of how I’d hardly see any of them again, it wouldn’t be the same not seeing them pretty much every morning and every night which is what I’d grown so accustom to. I sighed as I reached my bedroom door, turning the knob and pushing it open gently, then closing it behind me. I was met with the sight of Hayden sitting genie-style on the floor, playing pac-man on the playstation, I couldn’t help but smile.

“Having fun?” I chuckled as I walked over to my bed and sat down, picking up my laptop and placing it on my lap.

“Oh you have no idea.” She grinned as she pushed the buttons rapidly.

I laughed as I flipped up the top of my laptop and turned it on. As I’d only put it on hibernate it took no time to load at all. I sighed as I began to type in the oh so familiar name into the search engine. It was time to book my flight home for tomorrow. I couldn’t help but be thankful that Hayden was distracted by the game to come over and interrupt me and see what I was doing, which wouldn’t have been good at all. I wanted to make the fact that I was leaving not that big of a deal, but of course, that wasn’t going to happen. I decided as I scrolled through the times of the flights back home that I wouldn’t leave straight away in the morning, but I’d leave just after twelve in the afternoon, that way there wouldn’t be any rush and I could carefully plan out my excuse for leaving to everyone. I booked the ticket and decided that I wasn’t going to print the email with the details on it just yet as Hayden was in the room and she‘d probably ask what I was printing. I sighed as I pulled the screen of my laptop down slightly as Hayden started swearing at the game as she’d died, I was surely going to miss this.

“What’re you doing?” She asked as she turned around to face me.

“Oh just updating facebook, nothing important.” I lied as I shut the top of my laptop down.

“Riiiiight.” She laughed as she turned back to face the tv screen.

“I think I’m just going to go to sleep, I’m really tired.” I sighed.

And I was, I was physically drained, I’d never been so tired.

I hated the thought of sleeping though, but I really needed to relax. I had so many thoughts constantly whizzing through my head I needed to find a way to block them out. I just wanted to forget. I walked over to my wardrobe and pulled out an over-sized band t-shirt and sweatpants and shut the doors, walking to the bathroom and closing the door behind me. I changed quickly, but as I was pulling my shirt over my head I couldn’t help but look at the swollen sore cut across the middle of my neck. My fingers traced the outline of the cut gently, causing me to wince a little. I sighed to myself, I just wished that forgetting was easier said than done. I made sure that the cut wasn’t visible, then I made my way out of the bathroom, chuckled my clothes that I’d previously been wearing into the wardrobe and crawled into bed. I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep and this was as good as it’d get, but I still had to at least try, I needed to put my mind at rest. I didn’t know how long I’d been lying there, but the next time I opened my eyes it was pretty much silent, except from Hayden’s snoring. I turned over to look at the clock on the bed side table to see that the bold red numbers read “4:00AM” I half smiled to myself realising I’d fallen asleep without having any nightmares, but it wasn’t enough, I still had to go. I tossed and turned but I couldn’t relax, I began to fidget uncontrollably and decided that I couldn’t lay there anymore so I kicked the covers off me and got up quietly, careful not to wake Hayden up who was sleeping on the floor next to my bed. I contemplated what to do, I couldn’t sort all of my stuff out as Hayden was asleep and I couldn’t wake her up, especially as I was planning to leave and she was none the wiser, so I decided to do the only other thing that seemed fit - I felt the need to go downstairs to the living room and watch Harry Potter. I know I know, it’s not the usual thing to do when you can’t sleep, but considering each film was just over two hours long they would pass the time, and I always enjoyed watching Harry Potter so it was a win-win situation, there was always logic behind everything I did, ha. So I sat there in the dark watching Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets as you do, and needless to say I was enjoying it, well, until my eyelids started to feel heavy.

“Taylor, Taylor wake up!” I heard as I was roughly being shaken.

My eyes shot open as I found myself shaking uncontrollably, met with the sight of Adam with his hands locked tightly around my arms.

“You were having a bad dream.” He sighed as he removed his hands from around my arms.

“Thanks.” I mumbled as I tried to stop myself shaking.

I couldn’t shake that awful feeling, and I couldn’t stop thinking about and I’d started dreaming about previous events.

“You were dreaming about what happened, am I right?” He questioned as he sat on the floor in front of me.

“You could say that.” I whispered as I ran a hand through my hair.

“Come here.” He sighed as he outstretched his arms.

I was too exhausted to even bother arguing or refusing and I literally just slid off of the sofa and collapsed in his arms. I hung my arms around his neck loosely as he wrapped his around me, and that’s all I could remember as the next thing I remembered hearing were the sound of hushed voices.

“What have you done?!” Hayden exclaimed quietly.

“I didn’t do anything, she just passed out!” Adam whispered harshly.

I didn’t bother opening my eyes as I was finally relaxed, although it felt weird. I still had my arms around Adam’s neck and my head was resting on his shoulder it felt, but I was too exhausted to care.

“Alright well, I’ll take her off your hands.” Hayden replied.

“Dude, you’re practically the same size, you can’t carry her” Adam replied.

“I still don’t like you, I hope you know that, but you have a point, so just take her upstairs” Hayden sighed.

“I know you don’t like me, but-”

“Save it, Adam. I don’t want to hear it.” She replied.

Adam didn’t respond after that, but I felt him jolt as he began to walk up the stairs slowly, their creaking filling my ears. I heard the familiar creak of my bedroom door opening as Adam walked inside. He put me down on my bed and pulled my arms over his head gently so that I didn’t have a grip on him anymore and placed them either side of me, then I heard the sound of the door quietly shutting. I was awake, but I was too exhausted to do anything, I knew I wouldn’t fall back asleep, so I just led there for a while until I finally decided to open my eyes. I picked up my clock off of the table and looked at the numbers which read “9:00AM” I sat up and rubbed my eyes, deciding that I had time for a shower before I began packing again, although a lump rose in my throat as I realised it was going to hurt my neck, but I shook it off and went with the phrase “no pain, no gain” as I pulled some clothes out of the wardrobe that I hadn’t yet packed and made my way into the bathroom.

Hayden’s POV.

Needless to say I was shocked when I saw Adam of all people carrying Taylor, but I suppose he had a point when he said I wouldn’t physically be able to carry her, but why he of all people had chosen to carry her was beyond me, it would’ve seemed more like him just to leave her wherever she previously was. I still didn’t like him, I didn’t like how he treated me, how he treated any of us, especially Taylor. Over the last few weeks that I’d gotten to know her she’d become like a sister to me, a best friend, and I never let any harm come to my friends. I sighed as I placed my empty cup in the sink after pouring the remains of the coffee left down the drain, and made my way out of the kitchen and back up the stairs. I’d ran out of clothes as I hadn’t been home in two days so I thought the best option for me was to borrow some of Taylor’s, considering we were the same height and I know she wouldn’t mind. So I turned the door knob and pushed the door open, closing in gently behind me. I heard the sound of the water running so I figured she was in the shower. I made my way over to her wardrobe and pulled open the two doors, contemplating what to borrow, but as I pulled one of the few hangers a little too roughly the wardrobe moved slightly, causing loads of things to fall out. I bent down to pick up the excess clothes and little bits and pieces that had fallen out, only for me to lay my eyes on something else - Taylor’s suitcase with the top hanging open slightly as a lot of her clothes and shoes stuck out of it. I put two and two together, the lack of clothes hanging up in the wardrobe, the shoes all packed, all I could think was what.the.fuck?

Taylor’s POV:

That shower really did wake me up a bit, it was just what I needed to make sure I wouldn’t fall into a state of unconsciousness again. I got changed into a pair of denim skinny jeans and a glamour kills shirt, not that you would be able to see it over the constant change of American Apparel hoodies I needed to wear in order to cover up my neck. I dried my hair with a towel half-heartedly and grabbed the rest of my things that I’d kept in there over the last few weeks and made my way out of the bathroom, although believe me, I would’ve stayed in there if I knew what were about to happen.
I took in the sight in front of me, Hayden was sat on my bed with my suitcase at her feet, the contents spilling out of it as she glared at me. Great.

“And when were you going to tell me about this, exactly?!” She shouted as she kicked my suitcase with her foot.

“I was going to tell you-” I started.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Taylor! I’m your best friend! You could’ve told me you were planning on leaving!”

“I only decided last night, Hayden! It’s not like I wasn’t going to tell you!” I exclaimed.

“I don’t know what to believe.” She spat.

I’d never seen her like this before, it was quite scary actually.

“Believe what you want.” I sighed as I picked up the suitcase off of the floor.

“How could you do this, Taylor?!” She screamed.

“I’m doing it because I can’t stay here any longer!” I shouted back. My blood was starting to boil, she had NO idea.

“You’re that scared of Cindy?! Oh please Taylor, that’s a pathetic reason for you to leave.” She scoffed.

“I’m not fucking scared of Cindy! I JUST CAN’T STAY HERE ANY LONGER!”

“Yes we’ve established that! What could be drastic enough for you to want to go?!”

“YOU HAVE NO IDEA!” I screamed.

“THEN TELL ME!”

“WHY SHOULD I?! It’s not like you’re going to hear me out!”

“YOU’RE BEING SO PATHETIC, TAYLOR!”

“THIS!” I screamed as I unzipped my hoodie, revealing the cut across my neck. “THIS IS WHY I CAN’T STAY!”

Guilt and confusion washed over her face.

“Holy shit Taylor! What happened?!” She shouted as she ran over to me.

So I explained the story, she looked more and more guilty with each word that I spoke.

“I’m sorry.” She apologised as tears welled up in her eyes.

“It’s okay, Hayden. You are the first to know, I wouldn’t keep the fact that I’m leaving a secret from you” I sighed as I rubbed her shoulder reassuringly.

“But why are you going? It’s over, you escaped, you’re okay.” She sniffled as she wiped fallen tears away.

“I can’t stay here any longer, If I stay, I’m going to go insane, I won’t be able to sleep, this place is a constant reminder.” I said softly.

“But it’s only a few days until you go home anyway, so-” but I cut her off.

“I can’t, Hayden. You can‘t tell anyone what I‘ve told you, promise me” I whispered.

“I promise” She sighed as she wrapped her arms around me tightly.

“I’ll tell Matt, Lidia and the guys that I just want to go, I don’t want them to find out the real reason, especially not Matt, I’m scared to think of what he’d do.” I sighed.

“But Adam? What’re you going to do about him?”

I sighed. I didn’t know.

“I don’t know, I’ll have to convince him not to say anything.”

“Good luck with that,” She chuckled half-heartedly. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“Not as much as I’m going to miss you.” I laughed.

So that was that, I felt awful that Hayden had found out the way that she did, but the fact that she knew made it a whole lot easier. I could print off my ticket and finish packing up my things from all around the house, but that lump in my throat wouldn’t go away, I knew Matt would be devastated about me leaving and wouldn’t believe the “I just want to go” excuse but that was all he was going to get. I was more nervous about telling them all than I was sad for leaving, and believe me, I’d never felt so sad about anything in my life.

“I think I’m going to go and tell everyone” I sighed as I zipped my hoodie back up, hiding the cut once more. I didn’t want to go and tell them, but it was best to get it out of the way.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Hayden questioned.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I laughed as I linked my arm with hers.

As we walked down the stairs I could feel my heart start to race and my palms grow sweaty. I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to see how they’d react.

“When I was down here earlier they were all sat in the living room.” Hayden said as she gently pulled me along with her.

I really didn’t want to do it. Every step I took made me feel worse.

Hayden pushed open the door to reveal Matt and Lidia sat on one sofa, whereas Fred, Eddie and Mark were sat on the other furthest away from the door. They were all laughing and joking amongst each other, and I was about to ruin it.

“Hey guys…what’s wrong, Taylor?” Matt asked concerned as he looked at me, I was pretty sure guilt was written all over my face.

“I…I have something I need to tell you all.” I said softly as all their eyes suddenly became fixated on me.

“What is it?” Lidia questioned worriedly.

“I’m leaving.” I whispered.

Suddenly all their voices came at me at once as they all over-lapped each other. Matt’s voice was the most distinctive though, unfortunately.

“But why?” He said softly as he got up.

“I just…want to go home.” I sighed as that lie rolled off the tip of my tongue like smoke.

“Don’t go, Taylor.” Fred whined.

“I’m sorry Fred, I’m sure I’ll see you all soon though.” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

I didn’t know if I’d see them all soon though, and that made my heart sink a little more.

“If you’re leaving, I’m coming to visit you” Lidia stated.

“Oh, I‘ll hold you to that” I laughed.

“Me too!” Fred chimed in.

“And me!” Mark and Eddie said in unison.

“Not forgetting me!” Hayden exclaimed.

“Please don’t go.” Matt sighed as he wrapped his arms around me. I felt tears well up in my eyes, this was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do.

“I’m sorry, Matt.” I sniffled.

“These past few weeks have been amazing with you here, I miss having you around all the time." He sighed as he sniffled quietly.

Great. I’d made the best person in my life cry, what kind of a person was I?

“I’ll come back and see you soon, but I’m expecting you to pull your weight and come and visit me too, okay?” I chuckled as I hugged him tighter.

“I promise.” He said softly.

I retracted my arms from around him and sighed.

“I better go and finish packing.” I half smiled as grabbed Hayden’s wrist gently, pulling her out of the room with me.

“Are you okay?” She whispered, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Not at all.” I chuckled half-heartedly as I made my way towards the stairs.

Hayden had decided to stay downstairs with everyone, but she knew better than to tell them the real reason of why I was leaving, but I had to get everything packed. I looked at the familiar clock on my bed-side table which read “10:00AM” and my flight was at Twelve, so I needed to hurry up.
I couldn’t help but shed a tear as I picked up the necklace that Matt had bought me at the fair off of the bed-side table, I unclipped it and put it on, it felt like such a long time ago since that day. I didn’t want to go, but it was for the best.

Hayden’s POV:

I really didn’t want Taylor to leave, she was everything to me. I felt so guilty about biting her head off when she was right, I really had no idea until she told me everything. Needless to say I felt awful, I’d have done anything for her to stay, and I really mean that, anything. I knew I couldn’t change her mind though. I was surely going to miss her, I had no idea when I’d next see her as we lived so far apart, practically worlds apart, but I would see her, I’d make sure of that. After she walked back upstairs I walked back into the living room to be met by sad stares.

“I’m sorry, I can’t stop her.” I sighed as I leant back against the wall.

“I don’t think any of us can.” Matt whispered.

“Her mind’s really made up?” Mark questioned.

“I’m pretty sure nothing can change it.” I stated.

“This is all too weird though, why would she want to go home early? And why now?” Lidia asked.

“I guess she just feels homesick.” I lied.

I didn’t like lying, especially to the people who’d made me feel so welcome over the past few weeks, but Taylor was my best friend, I had no other choice.

“I know, I just don’t get why-” Matt started but was cut off by Adam entering the room.

Great.

“What’s going on? You all look like someone’s died” He laughed.

“Why aren’t you with Cindy?” Lidia scoffed.

“I ended it, don’t change the subject, what’s going on?” He pushed.

As Matt opened his mouth to speak though, I decided to butt in.

“I’ll tell him.” I sighed as I grabbed his wrist tightly, pulling him out of the room with me.

“Hayden would you let go?” He protested as I pulled him away from the living room door and into the kitchen.

I let his wrist go as soon as we’d passed the kitchen door and just stood there.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned.

“Taylor’s leaving.” I whispered.

“What?”

“I said Taylor’s leaving.” I said, speaking a bit louder.

“What? Why?” He questioned.

“You know why.” I stated.

He sighed in response.

“So she told you?” He asked.

“Of course she did, but just because she told me does not give you the right to tell anyone as she doesn’t want anyone else finding out, okay?”

He nodded.

“I have to go and speak to her.” He said as he began to walk past me.

I grabbed his wrist tightly.

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” I said harshly.

It was true, though.

“Okay I guess I deserved that, but I need to speak to her okay? And I will with or without your permission” He said as he glanced down at his wrist that I was holding tightly.

I let go as he half smiled and made his way out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. I did not want to stick around for this.

Taylor’s POV:
After I’d pretty much packed up all of my things in the room and took a glance around, it looked so…empty. I sighed as I put the few final things into my suitcase and zipped it up, feeling as though I was zipping up a part of my life. I stood back and sighed, looking at the suitcase in front of me. The quite atmosphere was disturbed though, as my bedroom door was pushed open, and in walked Adam.

“You’re leaving.” He stated.

“Yes, I’m leaving.” I said calmly.

“You couldn’t even have the decency to tell me yourself?!” He shouted.

“Whoa don’t you go and talk about decency, take a look at yourself first!”

“Well you could’ve told me!” He exclaimed.

“Why, Adam?! You don’t care, you never have, why would you care if I was leaving? I’d be expecting you to have a celebratory party tonight, or something!” I scoffed.

“I do care though, Taylor! That’s the point!”

“The only person you care about is yourself, Adam!” I said as he moved closer.

“That’s low, Taylor. Even for you.” He rolled his eyes.

“Even for me? Excuse me?! If you had a shred of consideration for anyone else but yourself you wouldn’t have treated everyone like you have over the last week!”

“I’ve already apologised for that! I know I was wrong, and-”

“You shouldn’t have done it in the first place! It tore me apart to see Matt so cut up, how could you do that to your best friend?!” I screeched.

“Look, I know I’ve done wrong, okay?! I don’t need you to keep reminding me!”

“I think you need to be reminded though, Adam! You have no idea how much damage you have done recently.” I sighed.

“Yes, I am aware of that, but if you just let me explain-”

“Explain what?! How is there even a reasonable explanation for what you’ve put everyone through?! Especially not me, Adam! I didn’t deserve any of this!” I said walking over to him, stopping directly in front of him.

“I know, but you don’t know-”

“I don’t know what, Adam?! How-”

“If you’d stop interrupting me then maybe-”

“What? So you could just think of another excuse to try and get yourself out of it and-”

I was silenced as he pressed his lips hard against mine. My mind was working over-time as I tried to process what was happening. I pushed him hard in the chest.

“Get off me! You think that silencing me with your mouth is going to work?! You haven’t heard half of what I want to say! I-”

“Just shut up and let me explain okay?! It’s-”

“I’m not interested in anything you-”

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, OKAY?!” He screamed.

“What?” I asked in disbelief.

“I’m in love with you.” He sighed.

“If you were “in love” with me, you wouldn’t have put me through what you have done over the last few years! More so over the last week!” I screamed.

“You don’t know how hard this is-”

“Oh poor you, Adam! Poor you! You have NO idea what it’s been like for me recently, especially not last night! If you “loved” me you wouldn’t have gotten together with Cindy in the first place! Let alone treat me and everyone else like dirt!” I spat as I moved away from him.

“I know, and I’m sorry-”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it!” I shouted.

“Taylor this isn’t the easiest thing in the world, you know! I’ve had this hanging over me for years! The true reason why I changed those few years ago was because I realised I had feelings for you and I’d do anything for you not to know okay?!”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me?” I sighed.

“Because it’s so much easier to just degrade, insult, and argue with you than it is to admit this!”

I sighed. I wasn’t expecting it, but it wasn’t going to change anything.

“I’m still going, Adam.” I said as I pulled my suitcase and backpack off of my bed.

“Even after all that?! Oh come on, Taylor! You can’t say you don’t feel anything for me!”

“I’m still going regardless, and even if I did Adam, It’s like you expect me to run into your arms or something, the last few days have been the worst days I’ve ever been through, and it’s your fault” I said as I unzipped the top of my hoodie to reveal my neck “This is not love, if you loved me, you wouldn’t have put me through any of it”

“But that wasn’t my fault! I-”

“You may not have put the knife to my throat Adam, but things you’ve said have cut just as painful as if you had, and it was your psycho ex-girlfriend’s brother who did it, so it’s still partly your fault, your own actions have caused this, maybe next time you‘ll take some time to think before you think of yourself and not the consequences” I said as I began to walk slowly towards the door with my suitcase in hand.
He stopped dead in front of me.

“If you go, we’ll never know.” He stated.

I just looked up at him and sighed.

“Bye, Adam.” I mumbled as I manoeuvred myself around him and walked out of the door. He didn’t respond, not that I was expecting him to, but needless to say it still hurt.

I began to walk down the stairs, pulling my suitcase carefully behind me. This was it, the thing I’d been dreading most, the hardest thing - leaving. I sighed as I pulled my suitcase down the last remaining step and taking in the sight in front of me. Fred, Mark, Eddie, Hayden, Lidia and Matt were all stood at the door.

“What are you guys d-” I was cut off by Matt.

“I’m driving you to the airport.” Matt said softly as he smiled.

I dropped the suitcase on the floor and ran over to them all, engulfing them into a huge group hug.

“I love you guys.” I exclaimed.

“We all love you too, Taylor.” Fred chuckled.

“You all better come and visit me, I’m warning you.” I joked.

“Of course we will, you can count on that!” Lidia grinned as she hugged me tightly.

“I’m going to miss you, kid.” she whispered.

“I’m going to miss you more, loser.” I laughed as I stroked the back of her hair gently.

“O’Connell, Reyes, get here.” I laughed as Lidia retracted her arms as I opened mine for Mark and Eddie who both hugged me tightly.

“See you soon, Taylor.” Eddie smiled as they both let go.

“You betcha.” I winked.

Then came the one goodbye I really didn’t want to say. Hayden literally jumped on me and wrapped her arms around me so tight I had to fight for breath, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

“I love you!” She sniffled.

“I love you too you big softy.” I laughed as I felt a tear slide down my face.

“I’m going to call you everyday, I promise.” She said, and I didn’t doubt her for a second.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” I chuckled.

“Me too, Taylor. Me too.” She sighed as she squeezed me once more and retracted her arms.

“We’ll have our goodbye at the airport, so come on, you’re going to miss your flight otherwise.” Matt chuckled as he picked up my suitcase and walked over to the door, opening it.

“Bye guys.” I said once more, grinning at them all.

“Bye Taylor!” They all called after me as I walked out of the door and down the steps after Matt.

I really did have the best people in my life.

The car ride to the airport was silent, which made me feel even more guilty for not telling Matt and made my heart sink that little bit more. As I’d said so many times during that trip he really was everything to me, and it hurt that I couldn’t tell him the truth, but it was in his own best interest.
As we pulled up at the airport I couldn’t help but sigh deeply, this was it. I had to go, but there was still a part of me that didn’t want to leave, it was like head verses heart, but my head automatically won.
Matt grabbed my suitcase from the trunk of the car as we began to walk towards the airport doors slowly. As we walked inside I couldn’t help but want to say to Matt that I’d changed my mind, but I knew that I couldn’t. I sighed as I looked up at the flight board to see that my flight back to Manchester Airport was leaving in fifteen minutes from terminal six.

“Taylor, what’s the real reason for why you’re leaving?” Matt questioned as we made our way over to two seats that were placed just outside the gate of the terminal.

“That is the real reason, Matt. I just feel like I should go home.” I lied.

“You know I don’t believe you, right?”

“You never do.” I chuckled.

“That’s true.” He laughed as he slung his left arm over my shoulder.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” I sighed as I placed my head on his shoulder gently.

“Not as much as I’m going to miss you, now I wish I never moved.” He sighed.

“Don’t say that, a lot of things would be different if you hadn’t have, and you’re much happier here, plus we do get to see each other still..occasionally.” I smiled.

“I know but it’s sad that I hardly see you, I wish you could move here.” Matt laughed.

“Maybe one day, Rubano.” I chuckled.

“You really are the best person in my life, Taylor. Don’t ever forget it.” He smiled as he stood up, pulling me up with him.

“As are you in mine, I love you.” I sniffled as the tears began to fall as I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

“I love you too Taylor, now stop crying before you make me cry.” He chuckled.

I chuckled as I wiped my tears away.

“Flight 180 to Manchester Airport is now boarding from Gate Six.” The overhead intercom announced.

I felt sick. It felt awful leaving, like I was leaving a big part of my life behind, which I technically was.

“That’s you, you better get going.” Matt said softly as he pulled me in for one last hug.

“Look after yourself, okay? And Lidia, Hayden and the rest.” I laughed.

“Of course I will, and you look after yourself too.” He replied.

“Oh you know me, I can handle myself.” I laughed.

“That’s true, now go.” He chuckled as he kissed the top of my head gently and pushed me towards the gate.

“I’m going, I’m going. Bye, Matt!” I said sadly.

“Bye Taylor, give me a call when you get home!” He shouted.

I nodded and turned my back so that I was now facing the lady at the gate who I showed my printed off ticket as she read it, ripped it and gave it back to me. I sighed sadly as I made my way through the terminal slowly. I couldn’t think straight, which seemed to be happening a lot lately, but more so then more than ever. As I made my way on board I exhaled deeply and looked at my ticket to see where I was sat and made my way over. I sighed and sat down slowly, placing my backpack down on the seat next to me. I unzipped the top and reached in, pulling my ipod and earphones out as it was going to be a long journey home, a journey I was doing a few days too soon. I switched my ipod on and put it on shuffle mode, placing the earphones in my ears gently. The first song that came on happened to be “Liar” making my heart sink instantly, skipping it I sighed, if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be going but I just couldn’t relax as I’d be constantly reminded, I even had a moment where if it could’ve happened to someone else I wished it would’ve but I supposed everything happened for a reason, and it was meant to happen to me, although I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve it, not that anyone really could deserve that. I closed my eyes and leant back in my seat, placing my hands in my lap. I’d started to feel a bit more relaxed already knowing I was going home, but the gut-wrenching feeling kept re-occurring as I thought of what I was leaving behind in New York, the people most important to me. I guessed it felt like I was leaving a huge section of my life behind, almost like a door closing as though it’d been open for years when in reality it had only been a few weeks and I didn’t want it to close, but it wasn’t as if I wouldn’t see any of them again, was it? Of course it wasn’t, Matt was my cousin so I knew I couldn’t possibly lose contact with him, and I’d made such strong relationships with everyone over the period of time I spent in New York. I exhaled deeply as I thought about Adam, of course my feelings had resurfaced over my stay, but I was doing the right thing after what’d happened recently, I didn’t know how he could expect me to just forget about it in a sense and admit my feelings for him, I knew what he meant when he said that it wasn’t that simple, but like I said to him, if he loved me he wouldn’t have put me through all that, no matter how much he didn’t want to tell me. Okay I admit I did it to an extent but I would never have stooped so low as he did, but I suppose it just showed what he’d do to make sure he didn’t get hurt, not caring about others who might in the process. As I led there and felt the plane take off I felt like I’d reached the end few pages of a chapter in this particular section of my life, but like they say, when one door closes another one opens, and that’s what I hoped would happen. As for Adam, well, I guessed we really would never know.