You're Worth Losing My Self-Esteem.

By now Elle was fifteen, young and despite her childhood, still innocent. She had started going out more with her friends, their prime location being town. There was a place in town, where kids hang out; Cathedral gardens. It was a big area of space between Urbis, Chetham’s school of music, Manchester cathedral and the triangle. It was the perfect balance of grass and pavement, with unique stone benches. The Kids that would hang there were usually in high school or College, although you could find those rare ones that were older.

Saturday was the day to be there, the day everybody was there. They would all hang about in each of their groups and somehow merge together at the same time.

Elle, Sophie, Hannah and Jenn would find themselves together at most times, but they would merge with their other friends also. At first they only hung out with Emma, Saz, Abi, Simon, Orlagh, Kaitlin, Sarah, Sam and Liam. They had their own little group back then. In time they grew to know more people, and in association even more people.

It was a Saturday when she met him. It was a day just like any other, and yet her life shifted, it altered in a way that could not modify back.

It started out, sun shining, people talking, the typical. The day was still early, alcohol was bought and Elle was happy. She wasn’t thinking about her insane mother or her secrets she had to hide. She was relaxed, having fun; this is why she loved her friends.

And so, on the way to Newbridge, with Sophie and Jenn singing – Newbridge is the place to go for kids, so alcohol wasn’t taken by the community service officers. That’s when she saw him. He was a few metres or so, in front of them; Elle, Sophie, Jenn, Hannah and Sam. He was strong, confident, flirty and childish. And he saw her. They shared a moment, she knew it, she felt it. Maybe it was insignificant to him, but she knew it was momentous, to her at least.

Time passed, alcohol was consumed and friendships were formed. His name was Kyle, when they met he was fifteen like Elle, although he could pass for older easily. Do you want to know where the problems started? Well, he was gay. But somehow at the time that didn’t seem to matter.

She couldn’t help but smile, – a smile she had long forgotten was possible – he had that effect on her. She had never been so genuinely happy before. And when he came up to her, placing his arm neatly around her shoulders, she felt her heart leap, excited by such a simple, friendly action.

But of course that day must come to an end, and it did. They had to part, with two kisses on his cheek, and one peck on his lips she was gone.

He was constantly on her mind since then. She didn’t go a day without thinking about that boy. She barely knew him, but she was already falling. She would attempt in vain to get him out of her mind, nothing worked. Maybe he was meant to be there, either way, she didn’t like it. She was scared, she didn’t want to fall for him; she couldn’t risk being that vulnerable.

She sat on her bed that night – muscles tense – eyes shut tightly, wishing the world away, wishing it all to disappear; the love, the pain, the tears, the headache. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry. She lied. She looked for an escape, scared, lonely; almost broken. She was no longer herself, but someone else, someone she didn’t like; someone weak.

It’s not that anything bad had happened to her. It’s the fact she knew she was going to get hurt, but she couldn’t escape.

This was the beginning of her fall.