How A Heart Breaks

This is the second time I messed things up. I can’t believe myself. How stupid can I get? Than again, it isn’t all my fault. I got drunk last night, but I should have known better. I promised Pash that I wouldn’t do it again, but I did!

How am I supposed to apologize though? He obviously doesn’t just want a ‘sorry,’ but I really don’t know what to do other than that. I’m so stupid, if only I hadn’t…this situation wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t so fucking stupid!

I grip my hair and tug, tug until I feel it start to rip out. I stop after that and go to chewing at my poor nails. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I don’t know how to fix any of this. Things are so fucked up that I don’t know how to fix them anymore.

I can’t stress the fact that I’ve messed up enough.

I return to our rooms to find the guys all huddled together. They notice me immediately and all of them frown. Nathan looks away from me and asks, “Where is he?”

“The bus stop,” I answer and point in the direction. “Just walk straight.”

He nods and gets up to leave. Something in my chest tightens, tugs, and rips away at my insides. My mind told me it’s jealousy, from knowing that Pash will talk to Nathan, but not me. I’m jealous…that Nathan is getting closer tomy Pash.

Pash is probably telling him more things than I. He’s probably relying on him now instead of me. He probably thinks of him as his best friend now instead of me. Because Nathan hasn’t betrayed him and I have, twice.

“Don’t worry about it Porter. I’m sure Pash will come around. He just needs some time,” Hayden says this to me with a sympathetic smile.

Julian nods in agreement and pats the seat next to him where Nathan was before. I took the seat and sigh while resting my head on Julian’s shoulder. He rubs my back for a moment and I ask, “Why is Pash taking this so hard? Are you guys mad at me too?”

“I think that sleeping around is stupid, but it isn’t bad enough to make me freak on you,” Hayden answers me. “But you promised Pash you wouldn’t do it again and that’s probably what is working him up.”

“Like Hayden said, he just needs some time,” Julian says this before pulling away from me and telling us all to get ready for the next gig. He leaves than with Hayden following him behind him, probably to throw things into the van.

I don’t know why, but something in my gut is telling me that things won’t be ok…

~

Pash has been avoiding me. I just know it. Every time we are alone he makes up an excuse to leave. In the van he has Nathan sit next to him and it’s reallypissing me off strange. We used to always be attached at the hips, but now it’s him and Nathanfucking cunt.

Things don’t seem the same. Pash doesn’t seem as excited on stage. I’m seeing him smile less and less until it becomes something like a reward. It’s strange and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do…

And I wish I knew, because maybe if I did know I could have stopped it from happening. Maybe if I really knew how to fix things between us, Pash would have never even let that thought cross his mind, let alone pass his lips.

Those four little words, they tore my world to shreds.

“I’m quitting the band.”

Four pairs of eyes turn to him. One, didn’t seem shocked, while the other three are wide and jaws hang open. Nathan sighs and looks away, him being the only one that seems to have seen this coming.

Silence follows after that sentence and for a second I thought it’s a dream. I thought that in a second I will wake up from this nightmare and find Pash towering over me with a smile on his face, but that doesn’t happen. Seconds or maybe minutes pass by and I finally manage to sputter, “W-What?”

“I’m done,” Pash says this with a frown and he looks away from me. Not once has he made eye contact with me since I slept with the girl over a month ago and it’s really bothering me.

“I’m not cut up for this guys. I’m getting tired of it. I want to go home. Besides, you don’t need me.”

“Dude, you can’t leave!” Hayden hollers, getting to his feet and slamming his fists against a table. “We do need you.”

“Yeah, you’re our family. It’ll feel wrong without you on tour,” Julian adds in and maybe I would have too if I wasn’t so entrapped in my thoughts.

Pash wants to leave? He wants to quit? But why…just to go home? He’s not cut out for this? No…he’s lying. I know he is. He can’t be telling the truth. He can’t leave. He just can’t!

What will I do after he’s gone? How will I write my songs? How will I survive without him on tour with me? I can’t…no, we can’t tour without Pash.

“Then I quit too.” My words cut through the conversation like a knife. Everyone became silent and they look at me with questioning eyes, but I focus my sight on one person; Pash.

Again he looks away, avoiding all eye contact with me, but I wouldn’t have it. I got up and walk to his side where I grab his face and force him to look right at me. “We aren’t Gunslingers without you, Pash. If you quit, then I quit, because we need you! I need you.”

An emotion swam within his eyes, but I can’t put my finger on it. His eyes search my own for something, but for what, I’m not sure. Pash sighs and grabs my hand, pulling them away from him and pushing me away.

I feel my heart shatter as he says, “No, Porter. I know you want this. You’re…a performer and quitting this band would ruin you. I’m done, you’re not.”

“But-”

“I’ll play one more show with you and then I’ll go home.”

I shake my head stubbornly. I feel his grip on my hands tighten and I admit, I was shocked when he pulled me in for that hug. I stiffen in his arms, but when I feel him hold me tight I finally crumble and let the salty tears stain my cheeks and my arms grip onto him for dear life.

I feel pain in my chest. It’s tightening and gnawing away at my insides so I hold on tighter to Pash and bury my face in his chest. I feel his chin resting on top my head and I can’t help but wonder if he’s crying too. I’ll find out later, for now, I just want to hold him.