How A Heart Breaks

The alcohol is a great escape. It’s such an amazing feeling, to feel alive again. It’s nice to laugh and smile, even if I’m not even conscious of what it is happening around me. It’s just nice to feel like me again, but not be me at all, get what I mean? Probably not…

The guys are bothered by it. They’re getting tired of my constant raging alcoholic behavior, but I don’t stop. I don’t feel like I have to.Pash isn’t here so why would I stop?

But every time I get up my head is throbbing and the pain is back. I can feel the guilt eating away at my chest. I feel the pain of knowing that it’s all my fault and that I’m the idiot that ruined everything, including myself.

I miss Pash every second of the day and I can’t help but wonder, are best friends supposed to feel this way? Am I supposed to care this much? Is it really only friendship that I feel towards the boy who literally controls my entire life?

Maybe it isn’t. So to stop the confusion that is eating away at my mind I drown myself in beer and continue going to parties even though we have so many shows, so many interviews, just so many things to do. I still find the time to do this…to get completely smashed.

It’s not something my sober mind would have allowed me to do, but I did it. The alcohol has been doing its job, helping me forget, helping the guilt and the pain dull. But once I got in so deep, I couldn’t seem to get out.Not that I even tried. I had no reason to.

My drunken mind wasn’t thinking when the guys asked me to try it out. Without hesitation I answered ‘yes’ and just like that I became addicted to the one thing I never would have touched if I hadn’t hit rock bottom. Drugs are such a hardcore thing, but I pressed that needle against my arm and shot up like I did it daily.

And then it really did happen daily. When Nathan, when Julian, when Hayden wasn’t around, I’d shoot up and I’d keep clear of everyone and allow my mind to wonder to places that truly made me feel high. I know that they know something is up, but why would I quit?

Why should I quit? This band, we, us, we’re nothing without Pash. At least that’s how I feel. I feel as if I’m the lowest of the low.Because I am.

I know…I know I promised not only Pash, but the others that I’d never do this. I promised, we all promised that we’d never touch drugs. We all made a sort of ‘pact’ that we’d never do anything like this…

But I’ve already disappointed them enough so I have nothing to live up to anymore. I broke my promise so why not break some more?

It’s a terrible way to think, I know that, but my once optimistic attitude has gone down the toilet. I can’t seem to keep myself from thinking the painful things. I feel like such a girl…worrying over such stupid things, but I can’t seem to stop.

“Porter, are you ready?” Nathan asks, probably just using it as an excuse to check in, to make sure I’m not doing something stupid, but it’s too late. I have what I need and I’m going to use it…one way or another…

“Yeah,” I reply. “Nathan we have an hour and a half before the show. Don’t worry about me.”

He frowns and I know that although I say that he still is worrying. I scoff and look away, my fingers playing with the bag in my pocket that’s full of the best release I’ve ever had. Nathan nods and soon he has left the room and I sigh in relief.

It doesn’t take long to prepare the heroin or to tie the band around my arm. It doesn’t take long for me to find a vein that hasn’t collapsed because I’ve been doing this for a few weeks now. It’s sad to believe that this is natural to me and I wish it wasn’t, but it is.

I shoot up and maybe it was because I wasn’t thinking. Maybe it was just my bodies way of saying ‘that’s enough I don’t want this anymore.’ Maybe it was just time for me to go or maybe it was because this just shouldn’t be happening. I don’t know why it happened, but it did and things became so chaotic.

Things were black, but I could still hear it. The screams, the shouts, the sirens, a man’s voice telling me to hold on, to just make it a little longer, woman shouting for help, the annoying beeping, and so much more. But my eyes stayed close and things were dark, so dark…

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t see. I was just there, lost in some type of night and I couldn’t seem to find my way out no matter how hard I tried.

“Porter…wake up…”

Pash? I must be dead. I have to be hearing things. Pash he’s…he’s home. He’s not in Canada. He’s so very far away so I have to be hearing-

“You’re such an idiot, Porter…why’d you do it?”

My eyes, which still felt so very heavy, opened because they had to. I had to see. I had to see if he’d really come to see me. I had to know if he really came all the way up here to see the one boy who broke his promise more than once, to see the boy that ruined everything. I just had to see if It was really Pash or if I was just hearing things…

So I forced my eyes open to see that I’m not dead, I’m not dreaming. Sitting in the chair right next to me was the one and only Pash, his head lying next to my arm, and hand wrapped around my own. I intertwined our fingers, because it felt so right and it brought his attention to me.

His eyes widened when he saw me, when he saw that my eyes were open, but I knew they wouldn’t stay open long. I still felt so tired. My eyelids still felt so heavy, but I just had to do something, to say one thing before I fell back to sleep, because I want to do it now when I have the guts.

I go to sit up, but Pash stands and keeps me from doing so. He leans in, probably to scold me, but I shut him up by crashing my lips against his own…and there it is. There’s that feeling that I’ve never felt before, not with anyone, not with any of the girls I’ve ever been with.

There’s that feeling that only Pash gives me. That tingling sensation in my stomach, the butterflies in my chest, the electricity and white hot fire in my veins. Only Pash can make me feel like this and I should have known sooner, but it took all this shit to make me realize it.

I really am the lowest of the low.

But lets forget about that and focus on this.

I move my lips against his. He’s too shocked to realize it and he’s still until I run my tongue across his bottom lip and maybe he was going to kiss back or maybe not, but I pull away and smile. “I’m tired…I think I’m gonna…go back to sleep.”

And before Pash can say anything, before I can see his reaction, I shut my eyes and fall back to sleep because I know for sure, I know no matter what that when I open my eyes Pash will be here. Pash will be by my side, where he’s supposed to be.