How A Heart Breaks

“Come on, Pash! I’m not going to grope you in your sleep!”Liar.

Pash snorts and takes a step towards the bed, but stops. He looks from side to side as if contemplating what really to do. Sighing, I prep myself up on my elbows and wait patiently. He’ll give in eventually, besides we’re just sharing a bed! It’s fate, I tell you!I actually set this up…

After a moment of thought Pash sighs and I refrain myself from cheering. He comes to the bed and jumps under the covers. I think that he planned on facing the other way, but I give him no time to do that and wrap his arms around me. He watches curiously as I curl up into his chest and sigh contently…

Until I remember why all this started in the first place. The thoughts and the memories bring an immediate scowl to my face. If I hadn’t been so stupid and thoughtless none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have broken Pash’s heart or my own. He wouldn’t have left. I wouldn’t have started drugs. It’s my fault.

“I’m sorry, Pash…really.” I bury my face into his bare chest, which I debate on drooling over, but really who wants a drooling idiot in their bed?

“Shut up,” Pash scolds me, his lips making contact with my forehead. I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling like a fool because I wish I would have realized this sooner. If I had then we would have had this and we’d both be happy. “Stop apologizing.”

“But I was stupid!” I try, pulling away from Pash to look up at him. I search his eyes for the hatred that should be there, but it isn’t. Why? He should be furious with me, that I did something so stupid, but I don’t see anything remotely close to hate or anger in those blue irises of his. “Why aren’t you mad at me? Why aren’t you screaming at me for being an idiot? Why aren’t you…doing anything?”

Pash rolls his eyes in a manner that clearly states that I should already know the answer, but I don’t so that ass better tell me. Sighing, he presses a lingering kiss to my lips, one that I easily melt into. We pull apart and I force my eyes to flutter open so I can see his own, which are staring right back at me.

“You must be rubbing off on me,” he sighs, seeming somewhat agitated yet amused. “Because…this is possibly the worst and most stupid way to think of it…but if none of this happened then…I don’t think we’d be like this.”

I blink rapidly towards the boy before me who claims to be Pash but he just said something so girly and I can’t keep away the grin. Pash sees it and quickly stuffs my face against his chest again, not that I mind. Laughing, I kiss the skin beneath my lips and sigh, “I guess you’re right…Paschendale.”

“Say that again and you will die,” Pash spits venomously at me.

Chuckling, I look up at him with the most serious expression I can muster. “Can I at least see you naked first?”

The scowl on his face clearly states no. I don’t know if he thought I was serious or not, but I was. If I die, I at least want to see Pash naked first. That’s like a dream come true! Actually it really is a dream come true. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

“I’ve missed you, Pash,” I whisper, tangling my legs with his own. He chuckles and pulls me closer to him so that if someone were to come in there would be no way to tell where one of us began and the other ended. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too,” Pash’s voice is just as low as mine and I guess that’s to be expected. “I shouldn’t have left.”

“Don’t go blaming yourself. I was the one too stupid to realize what I was doing,” I scold him, looking up to see the slight guilt that I slap away. I mean that literally.

“You just slapped me…why?”

“Because you were looking guilty. It was sad,” I reply matter-of-factly. Pash shakes his head and closes his eyes.

“Go to sleep, Porter.”

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

I grin and rest my head on the pillow we share. His breath fans across my skin. My body tingles every place we touch. His fingers occasionally twitch on my back, making me shiver with excitement. And I can’t help but smile because Pash is back.

He’s finally back. The whole team is back together. We’re the Gunslingers again. Pash and I are best friends again and…something more, I hope. Pash is back with me. He’s where he belongs. I’m where I belong.

Could this get any more perfect?

~

I take that back. This is not perfect, at all.

My head hangs in the toilet as I puke up the contents of my stomach. Pash is behind me, frown set firmly on his face while he holds my hair back and I continue to regurgitate whatever I had managed to eat. Coughing and choking slightly, I pull back and wince at the feeling of acid in my throat.

“You’ll be better soon, Porter…just a little longer,” Pash reminds me, but hearing it isn’t helping and I place my head on the toilet seat. The shivers begin to wrack my body and I feel as if someone suddenly put the air conditioner on high and pointed it directly at me.

Pash’s arms wrap themselves around me and I cling to him. The heat radiating off him is welcoming and I take it with open arms. He puts me in bed, following and tangles our limbs while throwing the blankets over us. Somehow, I’m sweating, but I feel so cold. This causes my grip to only tighten.

My fingers are itching to find a needle, a pill, some type of drug. I just want a fix and I want it now. I want to feel so fucking high that nothing can bring me down. I just want this to stop. I don’t want this. Fuck this! I just want to get fucking high!

Pash’s grip on me tightens, as if he can somehow hear my thoughts, but knowing my condition I wouldn’t be surprised if I said that out loud. I inhale deeply and try to calm myself, try to loll myself into sleep to see if maybe I could escape these withdrawal symptoms just for a little while…