Light Me On Fire

I sheltered myself away from everyone for the remainder of the school day. And as the last bell rang, I felt my stomach flip because I knew I was going to have to face John, as I was his ride home. I grabbed my books from the desk I was sitting at and slowly trekked towards the door. John's classroom was right across the hall from mines and I knew he'd be waiting for me, just like he always did. I inhaled a large breath of air as I saw the back of him. He was talking to his teacher, and I appreciated having a few seconds to prepare myself. After my crying episode in the bathroom, I returned to class late, and even though Becca and I barely knew each other, she could tell something was wrong. She had asked me, but I made up a lie, not wanting to press my problems upon anyone. However, Kelsi was a whole other story, because the minute she saw me in the hallway, she knew that I had been crying and she pried the story out of me. She swore up and down that she was going to kick John's ass, but I had begged her not to.

"Hey, you ready to go?" John's voice interrupted my thoughts.

I nodded my head and we walked to my locker in silence. I exchanged the books in my hands for the ones I needed for homework, and John did the same, as his locker was only two down from mine. Afterwards, we walked out to the student lot, in complete silence again. It was irritating but comforting at the same time. Irritating, because John and I had never had an awkward moment together - not one that I could remember, anyways. And comforting in the sense that I didn't really want to talk about the lunch incident. I didn't want to explain why my eyes had glazed over and why I ran off quickly.

I turned the AC on and decided to let the car cool down for a few moments. I pulled my hair into a low ponytail, and drummed my fingers against the steering wheel, although the material was scorching hot.

"Sophia?"

I looked at John feeling a tad bit worried. It was very rare that he called me by my actual name. "Yes?"

"What's wrong?"

I stopped drumming my fingers and shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing."

He let out a dry laugh. "Don't lie, you know you can't get away with it, with me. I know you like the back of my hand, Sophia Lyric Ettley."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure you do, John Cornelius O'Callaghan the fifth."

He smiled and turned his body sideways, so his back was against the door, and he was facing me. "Tell me what's bothering you. I can tell that you've been crying."

I cut my eyes at him. "How do you know that?"

"Because your eyes are puffy and you always get this look, I don't know how to explain it, but you always get this look on your face when you've been crying." His hazel orbs bored into my eyes, but I couldn't let the truth slip from my lips. Not when I knew how he felt - or, didn't feel, for that matter.

"It doesn't matter," I told him sternly.

He sighed. "It does matter, Soph. You're my best friend and if you were crying, then I want to know why."

I looked out of my window into the bright, blue sky above me and closed my eyes. I now had to come up with another lie to tell John, because Lord knows, I was not about to tell him the truth. But before I could even come up with a proper, believable lie, John was speaking again.

"Is this about what happened at lunch?" His voice was soft, almost as if he were afraid to ask the question.

I looked at him and glared. "Why would you assume that?"

He put his face in his hands and leaned against his seat. "So this is about what happened at lunch."

"I didn't say that, John! God, would you stop assuming shit?!" I yelled.

He looked at me through the slips between his fingers. "Sophia, what did I just tell you? I'm your best fucking friend. I know you, better than you know yourself."

I groaned and banged my head against the headrest of my seat. "Fuck my life."

John laughed. "Why is it so hard for you tell me, Sophie? We've always told each other everything. Shit, you even came over to my house the day you got your first period, just to tell me that it had come and that you were now a woman."

I felt my cheeks flush and we both laughed at the memory. I slapped John's hand for bringing the embarrassing moment up. "Shut up, John. Let's not forget that you were the one who-" He slapped his hand over my mouth, causing me to laugh harder as his face began to blush.

"Now, it's your turn to shut up!"

"Oh, come on, John." My voice was muffled by his large hand.

He shook his head. "Don't say it."

"Fine, fine, I won't," I said. He removed his hand and I quickly opened my mouth. "Who came over to my house and ranted on about getting their first pubes!" His hand slapped over my mouth again, but at this point, I couldn't help myself. I was literally in tears from laughing so hard at the memory of a thirteen-year-old John O'Callaghan standing in the middle of my bedroom floor, gloating on about getting his first pubic hairs. Though it sounds completely disgusting now, at the time, John was just excited about getting older, and I was simply curious.

"Sophia Lyric, that is not funny!" John said in between laughs.

"Then why - why are you laughing?" I managed to sputter out.

He smirked. "Just shut up and start driving."

"Fine, loser." The car had finally cooled down, and I took off in the direction of John's house.

Instead of letting the music play, John and I continued to share memories with each other. There were things that he didn't remember, and there were things that I didn't remember, but they were funny to hear nonetheless.

"What other funny memories are there?" John asked, wiping a tear from his eye.

I laughed. "I don't know. Let me think." As Losing It by NeverShoutNever began playing through my speakers, I suddenly felt myself tense up. I cleared my throat and turned the volume down, not wanting to listen to the lyrics.

"What's up?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing."

He sighed. "Come on, Soph. We were just having a good time."

"I said nothing's wrong, okay?" We came to a red light and I cursed myself for not going faster when the light was yellow.

"Just say it. You won't hurt my feelings, I promise."

I scoffed. It wasn't necessarily his feelings I was worried about. "I don't think you'd want to hear it, honestly."

"Why not? We are still talking about memories, right?" he questioned.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, we are."

"Well then tell me. It can't be that big of a deal."

I pressed my right foot on the gas pedal as the light turned green. "Do you remember the homecoming dance, during sophomore year?"

He nodded his head. "Yeah, but neither of us went."

I sighed. "I know that. Instead, I spent the night at your house and we made a big bed in your basement, on the floor."

"And we rented like ten movies, and spent twenty bucks on candy," he added.

I laughed. "Yeah, and we didn't even eat half of it."

He smiled. "Why was that so hard to say, Soph?"

I sighed and pulled into driveway. I put the car in park and looked at him. "You know why, John." I turned my head and looked out of my window, not wanting to see the look on John's face.

"Soph, I - I th - thought we agreed to forget that."

I felt my heart break a little. "It's not just something you can forget, John. I gave a part of myself to you that night."

He sighed and rested his left hand over my own. "I know you did, Sophie. You don't . . . regret it, do you?"

I shook my head. "No, I don't." I looked at him. "Do you regret giving your virginity to me?"

He shook his head. "Of course not. I just . . . I don't know. I tried to push that memory away, because I knew it would make things awkward between us if I ever brought it up, or if I . . . remembered that night."

"How would that make things awkward . . . for you, I mean." I was curious as to how he felt.

He sighed. "Just . . . remembering you in that way. I mean, yeah, it was a couple of years ago, but . . . you were just as beautiful then."

Hearing him say that, as stupid as it sounds, sent me into a world of bliss. At least he thought I was beautiful. "Thanks," I mumbled.

He smiled. "No problem. Now, can we move on?"

"Move on?" I arched my brows.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, like we've been doing for the past two years. That night, it was a mistake, but I'm not saying I regret it, because I definitely don't. I just think we overstepped the boundary of being friends, and I've tried to forget that."

"Why do you want to forget it so badly, John?" I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes and I felt so pathetic for letting this get to me so much, but I still couldn't stop myself.

"Because I have a girlfriend, Sophia. Elle, you remember her?"

"Would you have rather given yourself to Ellie?" I bit down on my bottom lip, anxious at what would leave his mouth.

He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

I rolled my eyes, feeling the tears spill over. "Just answer the fucking question."

"I . . . I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No," he told me.

I laughed sarcastically and wiped my eyes. "Figures."

"What do you mean?" he asked, his tone sounding a little annoyed.

"When it comes to me, you never know. But let me say one thing about Ellie, and suddenly you have all the answers."

He arched his brows. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Nothing." I wiped my eyes again.

"Soph, why are you crying?"

"Don't fucking worry about it!" I yelled. I angrily grabbed a cigarette from the dashboard and lit it.

"I'm not getting out until you tell me."

I shrugged. "I'll drive home with you in the car. I honestly couldn't give two shits."

He crossed his arms over his chest. "Glad to know you feel the same."

I took a long drag, before exhaling it out of my window. If there was one thing that could cause an argument between John and I, it was the fact that we were both stubborn as fuck. Neither of us was willing to give in, and sometimes, it made things complicated. Like now.

"Just fucking tell me, will you?!" he yelled.

I glared at him. "Do not fucking yell at me, in my own car," I told him calmly, but he knew I was being serious.

"Whatever. I don't have time for this shit. Elle's coming over." He reached behind his seat and grabbed his back pack.

"Whatever." I took another drag.

"Bye, Sophia," he told me as he got out of the car.

"Bye John. Oh, and don't expect me to show up tomorrow morning. You can walk for all I fucking care. And don't call me or text me if you and Ellie have another fight. I'm not in the mood to fucking deal with it." I furiously pressed down on the gas pedal, sending me flying down the street.

But at the moment, I honestly didn't give a shit about anything.