Star Fire

The party was dead. It was as eventful as Halloween is in the middle of nowhere. I really wish I hadn’t come. I felt completely and utterly miserable and so was everyone around me. Everyone in the flat was morning Gable and nobody was in the mood for a party. I suppose that is why I didn’t leave the second the suggestion was made. Normally as soon as someone mentioned drugs to me, I made a speedy exit or ignored them for the whole evening. But I didn’t want to be the sensible one any longer. I just wanted to feel something other than this huge gaping hole that had been my heart.

As I headed towards the toilet with Jaime and a few others, I felt someone grab my arm. My immediate reaction was to think it was Gab’s snobbish older brother, but of course he wouldn’t be seen dead at a party like this. I tried to shake the arm off, but it held onto me easily. I glanced around, prepared to scream at the person who was keeping me captive. It was the bodyguard from the hotel. I had completely forgotten about him and for a minute I was too shocked to speak. However, moments later once my sense had return I started shouting at him angrily.

“Get off!” I yelled trying to free myself from his iron grasp.

“Stop being thick, Taylor. It’s my job to protect you. How the hell am I going to do my job if you’re in a body bag!” He screamed back at me. I stared at him in disbelief. Here was this employee telling me what to do. The cheek!

“Bugger off!” I spat furiously. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do! Your not my father!” I said harshly. His face turned deathly pale and his hand realised me suddenly as though I had given him an electric shock. I smiled, it pleased me that I had made him feel sick, dirty even. He did not protest again as I took Jaime’s hand and followed her into the bathroom.

And so I escaped a world I no longer wanted to be a part of. It felt good to loose control for once. When I was there I didn’t feel the pain, the guilt or the anger. I just escaped from it all. I wasn’t aware of the crazy, stupid things I did. I was barely conscious of where I was. It felt amazing to forget. I revealed in all the things I did. It sounds mad, but in hurting and destroying myself, I could escape Gab’s memory.

* * * * * *

I woke up gradually, hours later when the sun brightly shone through the tiny window. I don’t remember how I ended up in the basement, I guess I must have walked down here. My smart, plain, black skirt was pulled up to my waist and the sleeve of my blouse was ripped. I was vaguely aware that I was no longer wearing shoes either. I dozily gazed around me, slowly taking in my surroundings. It took my brain a long time to process the things that I saw. I was sat in a grimy, dingy basement that seemed to house everything from gardening equipment to furniture to boxes and boxes of clothes. There were a couple of people passed out at the far end of the basement, but there was nobody that I knew. At least I didn’t think that I knew them. It was hard to tell in the semi-darkness. I suddenly realised that I was incredibly cold. I rocked myself back and forward, back and forward like a child. I was confused. Nothing seemed to make sense.

“I was at the party.” I said out loud, desperately trying to make sense of the situation.
“I was sad.” I mumbled in childish sentences. “Jaime was there.” I hugged my knee’s seeking some comfort. “I went to the bathroom with her. We . . . . . . ”

The events of the night before slipped into place. I relived the my first taste of drugs and the cautious way I first approached it. Fragments of memories of the rest of the evening slipped in to place. I remembered the cautiousness turning into relish and hunger for my escape. I sighed. Why had I been so damned stupid? I immediately thought.

But then the regret turned into anger. After all it was my choice. What right did anyone have to condemn me? Why should I condemn myself? It was a one off, I told myself. It was a glitch, a lapse of thought. It wouldn’t happen again. It had only been because I was devastated by Gab’s death. Gradually, I pulled myself together and managed to crawl to my feet. Part of me wondered where my bodyguards were. Another part of me was glad they weren’t here and even another part of me didn’t care.

Clumsily, I managed to walk up the stairs to main floor. Even in that state, I recognised that the place was completely trashed. The curtains, which I vaguely remember hanging neatly, were torn to shreds on the floor near the entrance to the bedroom. For a split second, I wondered how I knew that was the bedroom.

Unexpectedly, Jaime wrapped her hand around my back.

“Hi.” She said sweetly. Jaime was never sweet. Something was definitely wrong. But I looked at her face curiously and discovered that her sudden sweetness was sincere.

“Hi.” I muttered in return.

“Great party.”

“Great party.” I murmured, although I couldn’t actually remember that much of it. She stumbled away from me, still smiling peculiarly. I self consciously brushed a strand of hair behind my ear as I walked towards the front door. I was puzzled by the disappearance of my bodyguards. How the hell was I gonna get home. The word ‘taxi’ came to my head in a jumbled form. I would get a taxi. That’s how I would get home. I tugged open the front door. It was stiff and the cold metal handle felt awkward in my weak hand. It didn’t budge.

“Taylor, baby.” A guy kissed the back of my neck. Chills went through my body. Although this strange guy knew me, I most certainly didn’t know him. I felt his hand slide down my slender back to the top of my skirt. I wanted to scream. I opened my mouth to yell but no words came out. His found the pocket of my skirt and slid a something small inside. “Something to remember me by, baby.” He muttered in what he obviously thought was a provocative voice.

I guessed at his present, and the conclusion I came to left me cold. Bitterly cold. Again I opened my mouth to speak, but this time before the words could leave my throat the front door swung open. I was eye to eye with one of my bodyguards. It wasn’t the one from the hotel, and I was glad. I inwardly cringed at the way I had spoken to him last night. The bodyguards grey eyes shone with disapproval but instead of rebuking me, he simply said “Your car’s here, Miss Urban.”

I took a deep of fresh air and stepped unsteadily into the warm, mid day sunshine.