I Wanna be Your Last, First Love

The small cell phone in the back pocket of my jeans started to vibrate. Lights in the small bathroom took my attention away from the phone and directed it back to the girl staring back at me in the mirror. Her eyes were shimmering from the line of black eyeliner on her bottom eyelid and shimmer eye shadow on her upper eyelid. A pink gloss covered her lips, and her face was an even color of porcelain white. Her torso was wrapped in a cut a little too low tank top, and from the end of that were a pair of dark blue jeans finished off by a pair of peter pan like boots.

Another vibration ran up from my back pocket. This time, my hand traveled to it and quickly put it to me ear. I whispered a short ‘hello’ as I quickly checked myself over in the mirror, then shut the light off and walked over to my bedroom where I shrugged into my jacket and grabbed my purse. Making sure I smelled like my perfume, I tuned back into the phone stuck between my shoulder and ear.

“We’re outside, are you ready?” Michael’s voice wasn’t as lifeless as it was about forty-five minutes ago. There was a small spring to his words, and as they flowed through my head, I couldn’t help but to smile a little. Not because my evil girl scheme of looking really good was so far a success, but whenever that boy was happy, it always seemed to transfer over to me, no matter where we were or what he was happy about.

Inhaling deeply, I walked out of my apartment and shut the door behind me. As I strolled down the hall, I asked Michael where he was parked; in return, he told me he would meet me inside of the front doors, to make it easier for me. To this, I accepted and bid him goodbye. As I slid my cell phone back into my pocket, the pace of my walking picked up. The closer I got to the elevator, the faster my heart would beat. A small part of me was happy to see Michael, sure the last day may have been a rough start, but for some reason I was looking past all of that now. Of course, the majority of my anxiety came from the anticipation of seeing Michael’s reaction to me. Sure, I may have worn a little make up here and there back in high school, but living in New York, I had managed to ace the make-up techniques.

In the elevator, I pressed the worn button for the bottom floor and leaned back against the wall. Butterflies flapped restlessly in my stomach, making the time between the doors closing and the elevator actually moving down seem like weeks. Ring after ring, my heart rate grew faster, my palms grew sweatier, and the long, relaxing, inhale-exhale routine was far gone. It was now short breaths, while my mind raced through thoughts and my limbs shook slightly.

The huge doors in front of me slid open, revealing the lobby. Managing one long deep breath, I took three steps out into the small lobby until I found him. Chocolate curls were facing me. His body was in a tight sweater, and a nice pair of jeans. As I inspected him, I wished he wouldn’t turn around. There was no need to start the night off with him catching me in the middle of me checking him out.

“Hey”, I breathed as I reached the spot next to him. Quickly turning toward me, I received the exact reaction I was going for. Instead of wrapping me into a tight friendly hug, his hands rested down on my shoulders, and his chocolate brown eyes met mine. The beautiful brown eyes were drowning in shock. Mouth slightly opened and cheeks red, he shook his head and let out a small chuckle.

Eyebrows furrowing, he quickly wrapped his arms around my torso and pulled me into him, pressing my body tightly against his. “You look”, he paused and shook his head a little. “You look amazing. Honestly…” He pulled me away from him. My whole entire body was tingling from the warm embrace. Even the most clueless person about love would realize that the hug we just took part in wasn’t an old friend hug, it was just the opposite. “Taylor, you look great”, he finally breathed and took me into another strong embrace.

Huge smile on my face, I wrapped my arms around him and comfortingly rubbed his back. As my fingertips slowly ran over the muscles in his back, he shivered and pulled me away from him, a small pink glow forming on his cheeks again. “Not looking to bad yourself”, I said in a shy whisper. Nodding, he shook his head and then looked down as if looking at me wiped every other thought clean out of his head. The only thing that it did to me was make the smile on my face grow bigger. This is what I wanted.

Taking a deep breath he motioned me to walk out of the door before him. Nodding my head, I walked out of the building and into the somewhat chilly air. Cold winds blew nipping at the bare skin of my face, but as soon as I felt the pressure of his hand on my back as he walked me over to the car, all of the cold air seemed to disappear. The only thing I could feel was the warmth from his hand slowly travel through my whole body. When we reached the car, his hand slowly slipped off of my back, and he opened the backseat door. Taking a deep breath, I looked into the car to see the dirty blonde boy that was at the restaurant the other night. His blue eyes pierced through mine as I crawled into the seat behind the driver’s seat. “Hey”, he said and sucked in a deep breath. His beautiful blue eyes refused to leave mine, and deep down, I didn’t want to take my eyes off of his either.

“Hello”, my eyes ripped from the blue ones across from me and slowly drifted to the seat in front of him. There was a girl, bright blue eyes, natural blonde hair, smiling at me with a perfect set of pearly white teeth. Her skin was not orange, it was a natural tan, and as she stuck her hand out for me to shake, I noticed her small wrists. She was very skinny, but still healthy looking, and as Michael got back into the car and whispered something to her, she let out a laugh that would be movie worthy.

I managed a small hello and shook her hand. She asked me a few friendly questions, and then turned to Michael and whispered something about Taylor being really pretty. Outwardly, I smiled a little, but on the inside, I was about to curl up and die. Michael Del Zotto, the love of my life, had found the perfect girl.

The silence started to suffocate me. Eyes darting from Michael to Liz to Matt, I felt my palms start to grow sweaty. Taking a deep breath, I ran my hands down my jeans and tired to regain the normal breathing pattern I was accustomed to. “So, Taylor”, my eyes darted to the boy next to me, but it wasn’t him. The voice was coming from the seat in front of me. “Why’d you move out here to Manhattan?” He asked looking up into the mirror hanging in the middle of the windshield at the same time I glanced up. Eyes connecting, I looked down at my hands and let out a heavy sigh.

“I wanted to come here for a chance at an artist. I figured what better place to pursue your dream than New York City.” My breath caught up in my chest. “Never worked out”, Taking a painful deep breath, I looked up in the mirror again to see Michael’s eyes stuck on me. They were huge, and as they peered deep into mine, I felt like opening the car door and jumping out, no matter where we were or how fast we were going, that’s how much this was killing me.

Before Michael could ask another question, Liz jumped into the conversation. Flipping her perfectly straight hair over her shoulder, she looked at Michael and started going on about how she moved to New York last year to start her modeling career. As soon as the word ‘model’ registered in my brain, I shut my eyes and pressed my body into the chair. She really was the perfect girl for him. A sickness rumbled in my stomach and as a small sigh passed through my slightly parted lips, I heard Michael call my name again. The car was now quiet and I was interested in why Liz stopped babbling.

“You have a boyfriend?” Liz hit Michael’s shoulder and yelled at him for asking such a personal question. Obviously Michael did not tell Liz about our past, otherwise she wouldn’t say anything. “I mean, how you cannot have one…” The sentence left the car in utter silence. A strong tension formed between the two in the front seat as the car came to a halt at a red light.

Looking out of the window I finally answered the question. “I did. Met a couple of guys here and there, just flings I guess”, the tension in the car eased but a new emotion arose in Michaels eyes, and as the car lurched forward, he took a deep breath and pushed his body back into his seat.

“So you were sleeping around?” His words held a light playful tone, but somewhere deep in them, he was angry, and the small sick, twisted, evil part of me thoroughly enjoyed it. Liz immediately turned to him and started scolding him for his childish and uncalled for behavior. As she did this, Matt and I shared a glance, and then looked at her. She was nineteen and obviously never heard sarcasm or had fun in her life, ever. Once she was finished, Michael was now leaning against the window eyes narrowed in annoyance. I cleared my throat and smiled.

Eyes connecting to his through the rear view mirror in the middle of the windshield, I smiled. “If you consider sleeping around dating someone for five months, then I guess I was, since you know, five months it’s bound to happen”, the car fell to a deadly silence. Matt was holding back a laugh in the seat across from me, Liz was unaffected by my comments, and Michael’s reaction was a sure sign that he was still touchy about people dating me which I found amazing. We haven’t spoken with each other since we were sixteen, and yet he still finds it in him to hate every person I date. If I dated the perfect man, he would still find a flaw, not matter how small it was.

The rest of the ride was silent except for the low hum of music. Liz found it in her to keep her mouth shut, Matt took the time to ponder his thoughts as he looked out of the window, and during this time, I figured it would be a good time to look over at Matt and see why when I looked at him, I couldn’t just tear my eyes off of him like everyone else. Only a select few people can do that to me, and the last person was James, the boy I dated for five months, and the last one before him, was Michael.

Scenery flying past my window slowly came to a halt and a huge building was in my sight. The huge window lined the only wall I could see and people were sitting down, talking, smiling, and eating. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as excited as I had hoped hours before when I had woke up. Instead of gleaming with joy, going out with Michael and his friend, I was now just another person joining him and his girlfriend for lunch. I could bet money there was never even a me and him date, it was us four all along, he just said that to make me come. My thoughts placed a scowl on my face as Michael shut the car off and watched Liz and Matt get out of the car.

My hand was on the handle, when something in my heart told me to wait another second. Listening to the organ, I looked up to see Michael looking right at me, his eyes in battle. “I’m sorry about her”, he said quickly and went to speak again when I cut him off.

“She’s beautiful, really sweet too, you found yourself a good person, Mikey”, my nose twitched and I let out a long sigh. I just couldn’t help to let that slip every now and again. I guess after ten years it kind of sticks to you. “We better go, this is kind of odd”, I chuckled and looked back up only to see him staring at me with the same eyes. When his lips stayed shut, my emotions got the best of me and I quickly exited the car, slamming the door shut and turning right into the chest of Matt.

He jumped back, noticed it was me, then smiled and looked at me from the corner of his eye. Lifting his arm up and giving me a small smile, I took his invitation and quickly filled the spot right next to him, under his arm. Arm rested on my shoulders, my eyes danced up to his face only to see a dark red blanket covering his cheeks and a glitter in his eyes that could only make me smile. “Perfect size”, he chuckled as we started strolling across the parking lot as Liz tried to whisper to Michael that we looked adorable, it was more like screaming and during that time, I noticed the somewhat annoyed look on Matt’s face. Instead of being nosey and asking what was wrong, I pressed my body into him a little more and glanced up to see the thick red blanket appear on his cheeks.

When we finally reached the doors to the restaurant, Matt broke away from me and opened the door. Smiling, he motioned me to walk in, and with a small giggle and a small blood rush to my cheeks, I walked through the doors and into the restaurant where I was hit by a warm burst of air, and a mumble of a question. Turning to the girl behind the small podium, I felt a warm arm snake around my hips. When I followed the arm to Matt, my mind fogged up and when the girl asked the question again, Matt took over for talking. A laugh ran through my mind causing me to look up at him again. As our eyes met, I smiled and stumbled along next to him through the aisle of booths until we came to a back room where we were sat at a table near a huge window looking out onto the busy Manhattan street.

“Oh, isn’t this beautiful?” My eyes wandered over to Michael and Liz. Liz was attached to Michael’s hip and her arm was around him. Michael simply had his hand draped his arm over her shoulders. His face was slightly paler than normal, his brown eyes were dull, and his bottom lip was taken between his bottom teeth which were slowly moving back and forth against it. Taking a deep breath, I ripped my eyes off of the two and sat down in the seat next to the window. Matt sat down next to me and put his hand on my back. Leaning down a little to grab my attention he applied some pressure to my shoulder and frowned.

“Are you alright, Taylor?” I looked over at him, his blue eyes begging me to give him an answer. The pure care in his voice rattled my spine and before I could control myself, I nodded and looked up at him. Taking a deep breath, I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Pulling away, I listened as a loud thud rang through the room. All eyes drifted over to Michael who was now standing up, limping in pain.

Liz quickly grabbed his hand and asked him what was wrong, but before she could say another word, Michael had walked out of the room and out of the front door. When Liz looked back at Matt and I, who were staring at the spot Michael stood only moments ago clueless, she chuckled and grabbed out attention. “He hit his knee. Just walking it off”, a small chuckle filled the air, and as it faded away, a frown fell onto her face leaving dark creases on her face making her face much less beautiful from when she smiled.

Time elapsed and the waitress came by. As we ordered the drinks, Liz told the waitress to just bring a Pepsi for Michael. Instead of correcting her and telling her that he was in love with Dr. Pepper, I bit down on my tongue and took a deep breath. “I’m going to go check on him, it’s been a while”, I informed them. Liz nodded quickly and when I turned to Matt, he smiled and stood up. As we walked past each other he whispered that I was a good friend.

With a new smile on my face, I walked through the aisles of booths and when I noticed someone looking for their waiter, I almost stopped and asked what he needed. Shaking my head, I realized that I needed to get out more, much more. Finally reaching the front door, my eyes ran over the windows and caught a glimpse of the wild chocolate hair that belonged to non other than the boy that made a mini-scene.

As the door opened, a cool burst of air hit me in the face and I quickly folded my arms tightly over my chest. Walking over to the bench, my teeth started to clank together from the cold nipping at my bare skin. “Just go back inside, Liz”, he huffed and put his elbows on his knees. Sucking in a deep breath, he put his face in his hands and shook his head.

“I usually go by Taylor… In your case, Tay”, his head quickly shot up and his brown eyes drowning in pain quickly locked onto mine. The anger strewn across his face startled me and as I stared at him, I took a step back and felt my eyes widen in fear. Michael was never the violent type, ever, but the look in his eyes drew me back.

Standing up he walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders, fingers pressing into my skin. “What was up with the kiss on the cheek?” My eyebrows lifted and I took a deep breath. I looked Michael right in the eye and told him it was a friendly kiss on the cheek. After out stare lasted a few more minutes, he leaned in and I felt my heart stop beating completely. His lips were maybe a six inches away from mine. Our eyes were locked in a stare, and the shock soon spread from my face to his.

As if someone hit the play button, Michael pulled his eyes away from mine and moved his face passed mine and kissed me on the cheek. Keeping his eyes off of mine the whole time, he out his hand on my back and walked me over to the front door. As we opened it, the girl at the podium quickly looked down.

“Is Liz alright?” I nodded and walked a little faster than him so his hand fell off of my back. When all that was left was the tingling sensation reminding me that he had kissed me on the cheek and I slowed down a bit and frantically looked around for the table. When I found it, I walked over and sat down in my seat and instead of looking over at Liz; I looked at Matt and gave him a smile.

“The waitress came and I got you a Pepsi”, I quickly looked up and watched Michael force a smile and sit down. He stole a glance at the drink, and then looked over at Liz. He whispered thanks and denied her a kiss. The smile on her face slowly faded away as she realized that a kiss was not in her near future. Sighing heavily, she slurped some of her seltzer and looked down at the table, her face reconstructing the same frown as before onto her face.

Seconds later the waitress came by and took our orders. Matt and I ordered chicken fingers, Liz ordered a salad –she was a working model after all- and Michael ordered a cheese burger with fries. After the order was taken and a refill was set in for Michael and Liz’s drinks, she walked away and we all exchanged a glance.

Instead of silence sweeping over us, Matt turned to me and gave me an attention stealing smile. From there, a conversation quickly sparked between us and our voices were the only audible thing in the room. Michael and Liz stayed silent and just drank their refilled drinks and texted on their phones as we talked about almost anything and everything. It first started off on how he got to play Hockey in New York, to how Michael and I knew each other. When he asked that, I noticed Liz’s eyes gravitated toward mine.

“We were friend since the age of six”, Matt’s eyes widened and Michael’s head jerked up and looked right at me. “Yeah, from six to sixteen we were attached at the hip.” Matt asked what happened after that, but right at that moment, the waitress walked over and placed the food down in front of us. Glancing up, I silently thanked god and then started a conversation about the food. Once everyone was involved, I smiled at the successfulness of me dodging that awkward conversation.

The conversation somehow ended up in only including Matt and Liz. As they chit chatted back and forth in between bites of their food, Michael and I looked at each other. As I stared deeply into his beautiful brown eyes, he gave me a small smile and slowly reached over stealing one of my chicken tenders. Chuckling, I reached across the table and stole four of his fries. “Even”, I whispered and put one in my mouth and started chewing.

Eventually Matt had realized starting a conversation with Liz was not a good thing, but it was a little too late. He slouched down in his seat and slowly picked at his food as Liz went off on a tangent about saving the environment and every couple of sentences, she would say ‘right?’ and Matt had to look back at her and nod, only making her go on.

Laughing, Matt gave me a glare with a smile and then went back to nodding at Liz. As I looked back over at Michael, I noticed that his eyes were glued on Matt. Somewhere deep in Michael’s brown eyes rested anger and confusion; instead of being the normal best friend I used to be and asking him what was wrong, I shoved one of the stolen fires in my mouth and noticed that everyone at the table finished their food.

“You know”, Michael pushed the half filled glass of Pepsi away from him and grabbed my glass of seltzer; he took a long sip and then pushed it back over to my side of the table. “I still want to catch up. This wasn’t really what I had planned.” My eyes locked with his and my stomach started twisting violently inside of me. A faint sick feeling surfaced in my stomach and a bad taste lingered in my mouth as I thought about sitting alone with him over food. What would we talk about? How would I be able to keep my feelings away from him? I couldn’t.

Nodding along with him, I looked down at the table and pulled my drink over to me. Taking the straw in my mouth, I ignored the fact Michael had just drank from it and inhaled, sucking the rest of the bubbly water into my mouth. Eyes focused on one of the sown in flowers on the table cloth, I listened in as the waitress walked over and asked if we wanted anything else. Matt answered ‘no thank you’ and Michael offered to take the bill.

I turned to get my wallet when Matt put his hand on mine. It shut down my whole system down and the only thing I could do was look at Matt and embrace the warm feeling rushing through my body. “I got it. You don’t need to pay with anything when you’re out with me, alright?”

“Remind me to go out with you more”, I chuckled and watched Matt’s eyes brighten as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty and a ten. As he handed it over to a frowning Michael, he stood up, pushed his chair in and stuck his hand out to me. Placing my hand in his, he helped me up and grabbed my coat and held it for me to shrug into.

Blushing like mad, I shrugged into the coat and turned to see Matt staring at me, those blue eyes of his sparkling. Without any further words, he put his arm over my shoulders and turned my back to the other two at the table. Walking through the tables, Matt leaned over and placed a kiss on my cheek. Blush now visible on my face, he opened the door and let me walk out into the cold air first. Instead of putting his arm back over my shoulder, he grabbed my hand and walked me over to the closest bench and sat us down.

With a heavy sigh he turned to me and then looked out into the busy streets. “I was expecting worse”, he stated and leaned back into the bench. My eyes widened and I quickly wondered if all of the nice things he just did for me was an act. After a moment of silence, Matt looked over and noticed my shocked face. “It was pretty quiet?” He said tilting his head to the side.

A blank expression fell over my face as I tried to think of what this boy could possibly be talking about. “Liz? Yeah, she talks quite a bit”, I rolled my eyes and then watched Matt laugh causing me to stop and fall back into the pit of confusion I thought I pulled myself out of. Shaking his head Matt told me that he expected Michael and Liz to be meaner to each other. Then he sighed and gave me a huge smile that made some organs inside of me melt. “She does talk way too much”, he agreed and then looked over at the front door.

“I wonder why they’re together sometimes”, he shook his head and kept glancing over at the front door. “I mean, they were in love for a week? Then something happened and the last month it looked like they were going to end up killing each other. He was thinking about moving in with her, and now the only thing he can think about is breaking up with her” As the words dripped from Matt’s mouth I felt the heart inside of my chest start to beat painfully against my rib cage as a I broke out into a cold sweat.

Michael Del Zotto, my ex-best friend and crush could be single soon? I had to be dreaming.

The front doors of the restaurant opened and Michael and Liz walked out. New information in mind, I looked at them. Michael’s hands were in his pockets, Liz’s hands were clamped together and as they both stood next to each other, they looked like an unhappy married couple.

Liz turned to us and gave us a faint smile. “Michael’s going to take us home now”, I nodded and watched her walk behind Michael who was already a good foot in front of her. As Matt and I stood there, I looked up at him to see him smiling smugly. “You see it?” Taking a deep breath I nodded slowly and tucked myself underneath Matt’s arm. My mind was now fogged up with thoughts, and as I walked, I didn’t catch on to one thing Matt said. Every now and again, I would nod or give him a sign that I was paying attention. When we reached the car, he smiled and gave me another kiss on the cheek.

“So it’s set, we’ll go out next Tuesday when I get back from the road trip for dinner?” My eyes jerked up to his. My mouth obtained the feeling like I had just swallowed a whole hand full of salt. I just agreed to go out on a date with him? Is he Michael Del Zotto, love of my life? No. What was I thinking?

Nodding, he gave me a hug and opened the back door of the SUV. As I crawled in, I looked up to the front seat to see Liz and Michael locked in a kiss over the arm rest of the car. As Matt crawled in and shut the door, he gasped and looked over at me. As Michael and Liz broke away, Matt gave me a confused shrug and then looked out of the window.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to control the burning feeling rushing through my nose and throat, but the words and still frames of what Matt told me and what had just happened painfully flashed behind my head. As I tried to control the tears, I turned to the window and pressed my forehead against the cool glass. After the burning in my throat and nose disappeared, I looked up at met Michael’s eyes in the rear view mirror. As I stared into those beautiful brown eyes, I thought of everything and realized that he was the one guy I would always want but could never have. Michael Del Zotto was in love, and even though he might have been, I prayed that he wasn’t.