I Wanna be Your Last, First Love

“Hey”, Philippe’s voice rang through my head. After it faded away, the puffy red eyes in my head slowly shifted up until they met his. “It’s four, time to check out”, he whispered caringly and put his hands on my shoulders. As my head bobbed forward and back in a ‘yes’ motion, my aching limbs slowly moved and help pick my body off of the chair I had been sitting in for the last half hour; ever since I came inside from my disastrous talk with Michael that ended up in unclear feelings and on my part a whole lot of tears and pasta.

Sighing heavily my arm pushed the chair into the table. Turning toward the kitchen, I walked through the door and glanced at the next shift waiters walking over to the back room. Trailing behind them, I walked over to my jacket and my time ticket. Shrugging in my jacket I walked over to the line by the time clock and rubbed my free left hand down the left side of my face, rubbing off any little bit of makeup that was still on my face from my previous crying. Taking a step forward my eyes connected to the two boys standing in front of me. One had black hair and the other was blonde. Their faces were new to me and as they quickly punched in and hung their things up, I wondered what had happened to the other two boys that they took the place of. If there is one thing I learned at this restaurant was that getting fired was almost impossible and quitting the early morning hours almost never happened, the pay was too good.

Finally it was my turn to punch out and as I slipped the card under the machine, it printed the time on my card. Pulling it away, I slid it into the slot designated for my card with a little white piece of tape with my name on it. Right next to mine was Elise’s and without spending anymore time in the restaurant, I took my thoughts and shoved them to the backburner of my mind.

Bidding Philippe a goodbye, I walked through the silent booths of the front of the restaurant and out of the front doors into the chilly morning air. Off in the distance, the sky was starting to lighten, and as a yawn escaped my mouth, I wished I was just waking up instead of heading home to go to bed. The last time I was up for a sunrise was maybe a year ago, every other sunrise I was either asleep or too preoccupied with trying to get enough money to pay my bills to care.

As a yawn escaped my mouth, my body shivered and as a few tears slipped out of my eyes my arms pulled my jacket closer to my body in a small attempt to keep me warm. Tonight with the cold wind, the city blocks back to my apartment seemed to stretch on for miles. The short four block walk usually took me about fifteen minutes, but for some reason today it felt every step I took, I was in slow motion. Part of me wanted to say that I was finally starting to burn out, but I knew the real reason, and it started with an ‘M’ and ended with a ‘icheal Del Zotto’.

A half hour later, which really felt like three hours later, I had reached my apartment complex. Looking up at the ten stories, a small feeling of weakness washed over me as the huge building towered over me. Shaking the feeling off, I shoved my left arm into my pocket and with my right shoulder pushed my way through the first two doors. Now inside of the lobby, my eyes scanned over everything and everyone –the early morning mall business men and women. When they landed on the elevator doors wide open, I made a quick dash across the room and slipped in right as the doors started to close. Sending a small smile to the man in the elevator, he ignored it and instead of rolling my eyes or showing any other form of displeasure, I hit the button that matched with my floor, leaned back against the wall, and shut my eyes waiting for the elevator to hit my floor.

Two rings and the man in the elevator was gone. The doors slid open for a moment, keeping the number I had pressed lit up. When no one else had come, the doors shut and the numbers started to crawl toward mine. Shutting my eyes four more rings sounded through the small box, and as the box jerked my eyes snapped open and walked out of the already open doors.

The hallway was its usual dark self. All of the doors with small metal numbers on them held n intimidating look, and as my feet echoed through the hall, my heart felt like it started to beat slower, preparing my body to drop into my bed and fall into a comatose like sleep the second I entered my room. With a smile on my face as that thought stuck in my head I walked the rest of the way to my door at the end of the hall.

Unfortunately my predictions on sleep were completely wrong. As I entered my apartment, stripped down to my underwear, then threw on a pair of sweats and a tank top, I walked over to my bed, the sleepy sensation still hanging over me. As my back and head pressed down against the comfortable mattress, my eyes shot wide open, and that’s how I’ve been, staring up at the ceiling for the last hour and a half.

I didn’t turn into a zombie and I have yet to master the art of sleeping with my eyes open. Instead thoughts started to cloud my mind and as I tried to push them to the back of my head to let some form of sleep wash over me, the most recent one decided to camp out behind me eye and start press its own replay button. A small groan left my throat as I just laid there and let the nights events play out in my mind.

”Michael, I don’t know what to say”, my eyes darted to his. The beautiful brown eyes that I had fallen in love with so many years ago were staring back at me, emotionless, blank. As I let the complete lost feeling consume my whole body, I dropped my eyes from his. The thought that Michael Del Zotto could have ever had the same feelings for me made my heart seize from beating.

Shaking his head he pressed his lips together than took a deep breath and let it out, turning his face away from mine and rubbing the back of his neck. Through all of the years, he has only made this face when there was absolutely nothing left to say on his end. Like when he told me he was getting traded, I asked why, and this was his reaction. He didn’t know, so what could he say? Nothing, just like now.

As his body turned again and all that I could see was his back and his loose brown curls, I felt the strong urge to turn him around and slap him across the face as my voice hit a new level of angry. Why did he have to wait until now to tell me? Why was he so stupid that he had to wait until he had a girlfriend and I was about to go on a date with his teammate?

Then an idea slowly started to dawn on me. Maybe he told me now because we both had lines drawn to someone else. He had Liz, I was growing closer to Matt, was this why he waited until now? He wanted to tell me and wanted to completely avoid the whole, ‘I loved you too thing, let’s date’ conversation, that’s why he waited so long. Those emotions for me were small lifeless embers for him, and this was a sign that I should just do the same. The only problem was that those glowing embers in my stomach were nowhere near burning out, no matter how much water was thrown on them.

“Well, that was back then”, words that had no correlation with my thoughts seeped out of my lips. “We were young, you know?” My eyes lifted to where his should be. Instead of turning around and agreeing with me, he kept his back toward me, hands frozen in the middle of massaging his neck.

“Yeah”, his voice was strained but as he turned to me his eyes showed absolutely no sign of broken emotions. “You’re right. I just… It felt like I needed to tell you.” His brown eyes rose but instead of connecting with mine latched onto the buildings and objects behind me. “Is this the end of your shift, I’ll walk you home.” He whispered and looked at me, almost a begging look in his eyes.

Shaking my head, I bit down on my bottom lip and jerked my thumb back toward the restaurant. “I need to get back to work”

“I can stay?” My head started to pound with conflicting thoughts. One moment he can’t face me and the next he doesn’t want to leave my side. What was going on through this boys head, because whatever it was, it was confusing the fuck out of me? Back when we were younger, I could read Michael like a book no matter what had happened or what was going on but now, I could barely comprehend what he was saying.

Dropping my eyes to his shirt, I took a deep breath and blurted out words. “I think you should get back home, go call Liz or something. You look a little…” My mouth clamped shut as soon as I realized what I was saying, “You look like you need some sleep Mikey”, a look of small relief fell over him, “Go home.”

Without saying another word, we both turned away from each other and walked out separate ways. In the middle of the early morning Michael del Zotto was walking back home thinking whatever he was thinking while I went back inside the restaurant. The walk to the back, I thought I was fine, but the second my butt hit the chair and all of the thoughts I had barricaded from taking control of my mind escaped I started crying into my hands at how unbelievably stupid I could be sometimes.

Hands balled into fists, they flew slammed into the sheets next to me, something fused with my blood and started to warm my body, some kind of a mixture of anger and sadness. As it pumped through my veins, I found myself sitting up in my bed, my vision becoming blurry. Hands patting down every inch of my sheets, I eventually gave up and shoved them into my pockets, when I pulled out my cell phone, I held it close to my face as I scrolled through all of the names down to the M’s. As soon as his name came up, I pressed send and held the phone to my ear, pulling my knees into my chest and resting my chin on the top of them.

Why I had suddenly decided to call him, I wasn’t so sure. For all I know as soon as I heard his voice on the other line, I could just come out and say it. Mikey, I was in love with you too back then. I was just afraid to tell you Even if it sounded like a staged line out of a drama movie or a soap opera, it was true.

Eight rings had echoed through my head before his voicemail had come up. Instead of hearing his awkward recorded voice which I wouldn’t have minded at this point, it was an automated women’s voice rolling off his number. Shaking my head, I ended the call and pressed the phone into my forehead shutting my eyes momentarily to try to figure out what I could possibly do next.

An idea popped into my head a few moments later. Going back to my contacts, I scrolled through the numbers until I tumbled upon Matt’s number. Pressing send, I put the phone to my ear and waited a few minutes until the rings started to echo through my blank mind. Ring after ring, I squeezed my eyes tighter and tighter together. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to call him next, but usually when I felt like this, I would blurt out why and realize that it was actually a pretty good idea. Sighing heavily, I wondered what brilliant idea I came up with now.

“Hello?” His voice echoed through my head, groggy and tired.

“Are you awake?” Holding the urge to slam my palm against my forehead I awaited a reply or a sign as to what kind of person Matt was when he would just wake up. A few seconds later, he chuckled and I pictured him rolling out of his bed, rubbing his eyes with that cute little smile on his face.

“Well I am now”, after a short chuckle from my end, I looked down at my feet. No new words came to the tip of my tongue, not even an idea on what to say next crossed my mind. “Are you alright, Taylor?” Matt said a few moments later. Looking up to my ceiling thanking whoever was up there that pushed him to say that, I felt my body drop back against my bed.

Shaking my head, I covered my eyes and bit down on my bottom lip. “I just had a really tough night, and I came home and tired to sleep, and it’s just not happening.” Opening my eyes, I felt my chest and muscles loosen. Wondering when they tightened in the first place, I shut my eyes again and pressed my body deeper into my sheets.

“Well if you want to talk about it, I’m all ears”, he said caringly. That was a good idea, but as I rolled it over for a few more seconds, what exactly was I going to tell Matt, the sweetheart that was going to take me out after the road trip. Oh, Michael and I were best friends and he finally admitted to me that he had feelings for me and, Oh Gee! Look at that, I had feelings for him too. Yeah, that would go over wonderfully. Sighing heavily and pressing my left hand into my eyes, I listened as Matt cleared his throat. “Listen I know we’ve only met once, but do you want me to come over or something. You’re kind of freaking me out”

Nodding I sat up and took a deep breath. “Could you, I mean you don’t have too I’m sure that you’d rather-“

“What’s your address?” Matt asked with a small smile in his voice. Covering my eyes and trying to suppress a small smile, I mumbled off my address and told him what floor and what room. After I was finished, I whispered a small thank you. To that, he replied ‘Anything for you’, and as my heart melted we said goodbye.

The next twenty minutes I spent in my bed thinking about Matt. He could have completely blown me off, ignored his phone and told me that he was so tired that he couldn’t make it over. There are almost hundreds of excuses that he could’ve fed to me, but instead he answered. No matter what pushed him to do it, if he actually liked me or just wanted to get in my pants –which he really didn’t seem like that kind of guy- I couldn’t help but to smile when his name popped into my head and his voice replayed those few words, ‘Anything for you’.

Stomach twisting, I listened as a few knocks echoed from my wooden front door. Small smile rising to my lips, I rolled off of my bed and walked through the hallways until I ended up at the front door. Hand on the door knob, I quickly silenced any thoughts by biting down on my tongue. Opening the door, my eyes locked onto the boy standing in front of me, a Boston University sweatshirt on and a pair of plain black sweats.

“Am I underdressed?” He joked as his eyes ran up and down my outfit, taking a particularly long time to drop from my torso to my sweatpants. Shaking my head I took a step away from him. My one goal for the night was to not let any awkward silence sweep through the apartment, and it was already starting to happen.

Twisting my neck, I looked into the kitchen and smiled. “Want something to drink, some food, I know this is kind of like the morning for you”, with a chuckle Matt shook his head and walked over to me, eyes filled with glitter that made the blue look brighter.

Putting his hand on my shoulders and slowly moving up and down my arms, he looked into my eyes and smiled a little. “I came over here so you can get some sleep. I was thinking, and when I was little”, his right arm came out and took me under it. “I had some insomnia problems, and my mom always used to lie with me until I got over it and fell asleep, so I was thinking-“

“We try the same thing?” I finished his words and glanced up into his eyes feeling my stomach knot. This was the second day I knew him and he was already in my bed. God, if Lisa knew what was going on here, she would have me locked up in a room by now. But then again, it wasn’t like we were doing anything. I may be a nineteen year old alone in New York, but I was not a whore of any kind.

Nodding he gave me a small smile. Taking a deep breath I walked over to my room and left his arm. Crawling in to my side of the bed, Matt peeled off his sweatshirt showing a plain white v-neck under shirt. Giving me a small smile he crawled in and quickly pulled me into him. As we laid there, his arms around my waist, there was not one awkward feeling. His arms around me, his body near mine; it all felt it was supposed to be like this. But at the same time, a sick feeling in my stomach took over and as I looked out into my room, I thought about Michael.

I pictured his sad eyes staring at Matt and I, lying down making my skin feel like it was the walking ground for thousands of bugs. The words I told him after he gushed his heart out to me, ‘go home’ rang through my head and a loud pulsating thud started to pound behind my eyes. Not only was he my crush since I realized guys were attractive, but he was my best friend and for some reason I felt like I was betraying him in a way.

Bitting down on my tongue, I turned around in Matt’s arms and looked up into his eyes. Stealing them from whatever thoughts they were examining, he smiled down at me and I smiled back. “So, when’s the road trip start?” He welcomed the small conversation and relaxed a little.

With a small sigh he told me that it started tomorrow at seven, they had to be ready with their bags and gear to load onto the plane. From the airport they flew out to Pittsburgh, then after they played the Penguins they had to stop in Philadelphia, then in Atlanta, and finally they would end it on Long Island on Monday and fly back home that night. After all of this settled in my head, I glanced up at him and thought about that date he had said that I unknowingly agreed to. If he was coming back Monday night, what was going to make him want to wake up the next day and go out to Lunch?

“Should we move that lunch date?”

“If you have something to do that day”, he said quickly connecting his eyes with mine.

“Well, you’ll just be coming back from a pretty long road trip I mean”, with a chuckle he leaned over and kissed my forehead. Shaking his head he informed me that he would be all ready to go that day. After road trips, instead of playing video games and chatting on the plane, most of the guys slept, so by the time Tuesday afternoon rolled by, he would have had more than enough hours of sleep, maybe even too many.

After a small nod, I shut my eyes and picked my hands up and placed them on my eyes. “Thank you so much for coming over”, I whispered trying to make sure what I was saying wasn’t going to have to start the conversation as to why I was so agitated in the first place.

Matt went on to inform me that it was no problem at all. Then after only a moment of silence, he stated the fact that this was much less awkward than he had expected. Agreeing with him, my eyes snapped back open as my mind started to wind its way through a bunch of unneeded thoughts. Many of them had to revolve around Michael, and as they did, I felt my muscles tighten. For a moment, I felt like I was going to open my eyes and let out a glass shattering scream, the boy just wouldn’t leave my head, even as I was in the arms of another guy who was probably ranked as one of the sweetest guys in the world, all I could think about was what Michael and I could have been if he would have just told me those same words three years ago instead of last night. Pressing my fingers harder into my eyes to try to shut my head up, I listened as Matt’s smooth voice quickly entered my raging angry mind.

“Are you alright, Taylor?” Matt’s smooth voice calmed my nerves. Pulling my fingers from my eyes and pressing my forehead into his chest, I let out a long sigh and felt his hand run through my hair and down to the middle of my back. Once it was comfortably rested there, I pressed my two layers of teeth together. Was I really going to keep thinking about what Michael and I could have been? Our past was already set in stone, there was no changing it. So why did I constantly think that we had a chance, when it was obvious that we had none?

Matt’s hand started to run through my hair again. Shivers ran up and down my spine as I pressed my face into his chest a little more. Was I going to ruin all of this just because of my old feelings for him? He moved on so why can’t I? Look at what I have lying right in front of me, am I really going to let this slip through my fingers?

Cracking my eyes open, they immediately aligned with Matt’s blue ones. Smile on his face he furrowed his eyebrows as his hand lightly ran through my hair. Smiling a little, I stretched my neck up and hovered my lips over Matt’s. Glancing back to his eyes, I smiled and pressed my lips to his. His hand on the middle of my back moved my body a little closer to his as he applied pressure back into the kiss. After a moment, we broke apart and with a smile on my face I burrowed back into Matt’s chest. This was too perfect, Matt was too perfect. I couldn’t jeopardize this all because of my past.

After that kiss, feeling the warm blood rush through my body and the small butterfly, I let any idea of Michael Del Zotto and me ever dating or being together leave my mind.

Just like every other time you kissed a new guy?