Exhaling.

Forget, forget.

Impossible.

Run, run.

Where to?

Anywhere. Anywhere but here.

There was nothing in that little town I called Hell. Nothing to keep me from running, from taking flight. I wanted to forget, get away, away.

Clenched fists.

Angry words.

Tearing clothes.

Searing pain.

Ragged breathes.

Jagged remains.

Tears of blood.

No, no. I curled into a fetal position on my bed. No remembering. Remembering was for sentiment, and there was nothing sentimental about that night.

I don’t remember falling asleep.

~

I awoke, the next morning, to the mocking tones of my alarm clock. Everything seemed to mock me.

Loser, it says. Can’t defend yourself. Get up, for another boring day. Can you make it through?

Loser.

I went through my routine.

Pull on clothes, fake a smile at the parental units, avoid the neighbor’s huge dog, sit in the back of the bus, past where IT used to sit, get to school, zone out.

I got home. “How was your day, honey?” My mother smiled at me.

Outside-me smiled. She laughed, “Oh, great. Olivia and I both made A’s on our tests!”

The inner-me, incased in frozen memories, held by shards of broken dreams, smiled bitterly. “Every day feels like a nightmare,” she whispered.

I wish, oh how I wish, to be that shiny girl, sunny disposition radiating peace. But no, no, IT had turned me into what I was, who I had become—that frozen little ball of misery, looking into a mirror of the past.

The afternoon melted into night, sunny, orange sky slowly turned into the black of night, much like myself. But unlike the sky, my happiness had been taken away, no, torn away from me that night, much like other things.

I didn’t sleep that much. Like every night, spent staring at the white ceiling above me.

Two weeks later, everything changed.

~

His name was Avery Nicholas. He had just transferred from Minnesota. He was in all my classes.

He was untouchable. Something about him, his exterior, made me want to just have him hold me. He would hold me, and I would break down.

The ice would melt.

But if the ice melted, there would be a flood.

I couldn’t let that happen.

“Hey, Meagan,” My best friend, Kat, pointed Avery out amongst the crowd of testosterone-y boys and frivolous girls. Not that she needed to, for my eyes had been trained on him since he walked into the cafeteria. I had a small group of friends, none of them knowing about what Happened. Like I said, flooding. I turned my attention back to my friends. I was happy, for all they knew, and I would keep it that way.

“Hello,” I heard, and I turned around, to only be greeted with the sight of Avery himself.

“Hi,” my friends gushed. They knew I liked him. What they didn’t know was that he was probably the only thing that could crack my heart open. I wasn’t ready for that.

I grabbed my tray, stood up, and walked away. I’m sure my friends, and Avery, thought I had some serious problems by now, but oh well.

No Avery; no breaking.

Heart of ice.

No cracking.

No melting.

No flooding.

~

I avoided them all. I remained the perfect student, perfect daughter, but I fled whenever contacted by a friend. Or Avery.

I begin to eat lunch outside, underneath an oak tree. Fall had arrived, and the leaves were beginning to descend in a spiraling ballet.

Leaves crunched. I looked up.

“Okay,” he said calmly. “I don’t know what you’re about, or why it is that you just block
everything off, but would you mind—”

“What?” I asked angrily. I clambered to my feet. “Mind what? Telling you my life story? How things went awry through the choices of one person, who wasn’t even me?” I raised my voice. “Telling you of how everything in my life was perfect, and perfect may be overrated but it was perfect to me,” I was yelling now, colors and lines blurring due to the tears rising in my eyes, threatening to spill over. “And how someone just tore me away, leaving me to dress up as myself and live in the shadow of who I formerly was, who I’m supposed to be?” I let the tears go. I stood there, in the cool shadow of the oak tree, waiting to hear leaves crunching as the one person who could save me walked away. But no leaves crunched.

I was pulled into him, rather, and he held me. Just held me. He held me, and that’s when I cried harder.

“Tell me?” I heard him whisper.

I sniffled. “It all started,” I began “That night...” Images, scenes, as if from a movie, flashed through my brain.

“Come over here,” he says.

“What,” I ask, laughing.

He pulls me into the shadows of the building, and kisses me. I relax.

Something’s changing.

The kiss turns into something, I could feel it, exploding inside of me. It becomes a monster, ravaging upon me.

I’m scared.

I push him away. No, I try. He’s too strong.

I don’t want this.

“I don’t, no, no,” I say, struggling. “Stop, stop.”

But no, no stopping.

Clenched fists.

Angry words.

Tearing clothes.

Searing pain.

Ragged breathes.

Jagged remains.

Tears of blood.

Melting ice.

Flooding.

Cracking mirrors.

Exhaling.