Reading Between the Lines

Neville and Pansy lead me up to the fifth floor and into the Library. In the middle was a large circle of tables and chairs, and circling around this were at least thirty chainsaws, doing an elaborate, coordinated dance. Neville and Pansy pointed their wands at them, said, “Immobulus!” and passed safely through the stationary chainsaws. I followed quickly. As soon as I was clear, the chainsaws began dancing again.

“They keep away the fake vampire zombies,” said a voice. I turned around to find Hannah Abbott of Hufflepuff there, along with Justin Finch-Fletchley, Seamus Finnegan, and Michael Corner of Ravenclaw. “That and the smell of unicorns we put all over the library,” Hannah added. “We’re the only characters left that The Crazy haven’t infected.”

“The Crazy?” I asked.

“Those writers I was telling you about,” said Neville. “They’ve holed themselves up in the Gryffindor Commonroom, so we took over the Library because they’re scared of real books.”

“So, from what you’re telling me, these are psycho-obsessed Twi–”

“NO! Do not speak its name!!!!” hissed Pansy. “It gives them power every time it’s spoken. It’s the Book-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

“Alright, so…..then what happened to Voldemort?”
To my surprise, no one flinched at the mention of his name.

“The Crazy took him over long ago. He’s been skipping through the Forbidden Forest for three months now, picking flowers and whistling. And it turns out, he was the bastard son of George Bush and Hilary Clinton. Go figure,” said Justin, shrugging his shoulders.

“So how come you guys are still normal?”

“The Crazy don’t think we’re worth the time to take over. Most the minor characters are still sane. Ernie, Millicent, Blaise and Terry are out trying to find more people that are sane. Oh, and trying to find us some food,” added Michael.

I thought this all over, then said, “Well….if The Crazy were killed or driven off……would everything go back to normal?”

“They say that if The Crazy’s deity were to be killed, then they too would all perish,” said Seamus slowly.

“But no one’s been able to find It,” added Hannah.

“We’re not even sure of what IT is,” said Michael.

“I know what It is,” said a low, somewhat strained voice. Through the circle of chainsaws came the group of students that were mentioned before by Michael, lead by Ernie Macmillen. He had circles under his eyes. “It is the source of all the other fake vampire zombies, and It’s name is Edward Cullen, the sparkly fairy that pretends to drink blood. The Crazy worship It, and I’ve trying to FIND It for quite some time.” He hung his cloak up on one of the chairs as the others sat down. “I have come very close to FINDING It, but It always ends up eluding me in the end,” Ernie sighed. “Perhaps you, Lightning McQueen, can FIND It.”

“Alright, but let’s get this straight; my name’s NOT Lightning McQueen, it’s Bently McQuinn. And secondly, I have no idea how to find It, or how to kill It.”

“Good point, McQueen. You’ll have to follow It’s tell-tale trail of fairy dust. Unlike the typical blue kind left behind by the fake vampire zombies, It’s fairy dust is pink, and turns rainbow in the sunlight. It’s usually found in the common rooms, stalking the girls. When they can catch it, The Crazy usually lock It up in the Gryffindor girl’s dorms. Oh, and from what my research tells me, Gryffindors sword can kill it, but SOMEONE dropped it in the Chamber of Secrets on our last exploit there.” Here, Ernie glared at Millicent, who blushed crimson. “So, your task is this, Lightning McQueen; find Gryffindors sword, track It down, kill It, and rid the world of The Crazy. Do you think you can do it?”

I sighed. There really was no hope in trying to get them to get my name right, was there?

Still, I couldn’t let the world of Potter remain in the hands of the Twihards. “Alright, I’ll do it.”

“Excellent,” said Ernie.

“You’ll probably need this,” said Neville, handing me a wand. “It was Ron’s.”

“What happened to him?”

“After The Crazy made Harry and Hermione hook up, he killed himself,” said Hannah, tears in her eyes.

“Oh, and you might need this,” said Seamus, handing me a necklace of sorts.

“What’s this?”

“A Horcrux-seeking medallion,” he answered.

“But wait, why do I–” But I was shoved out of the ring of chainsaws before I could finish my sentence.

“Good luck, Lightning McQueen!” called Neville after me as I left the Library.