Back of Your Head

Andy avoided Shaun the next day; to say the very least, he didn’t want to see, speak or be with him at all. This was all well and good besides the fact that they had a concert to play that night. He couldn’t exactly avoid him forever. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t. Andy didn’t even understand why he had kissed Shaun. Was it a spur of the moment thing; Shaun’s big eyes, filled with sadness and regret of his activities? Was it revenge; was he angry at Shaun for doing all that he had done, so he wanted to confuse the absolute shit out of him? Was it complete lust? Did Andy want more than just that kiss? Was this feeling love? What if he had stayed when Shaun asked him to? What would’ve happened if he spilled out his secret affection to his best friend and band mate? Would he even be here right now? Andy, Shaun and Bradie were all stage. Bradie sat behind his kit, Andy fiddled with his bass and Shaun was addressing the audience. The screaming girls made Shaun’s voice almost inaudible. Andy shook his head in frustration, before looking up at Shaun.

His tight black jeans hugged his arse, legs and crotch in all the right way; no wonder the girls were screaming. His white V neck; exposing the small patch of chest hair Shaun had, his chest glistened a little with sweat. He had long since discarded the leather jacket he had started the show wearing. It was far too hot up here, or was that just in Andy’s opinion. He felt himself becoming uncomfortable downstairs and thought of unattractive things to deter his thoughts from Shaun.

Shaun felt Andy’s eyes on him. What was he going to do about everything? What Andy had said was the truth; it hurt but he was right. Shaun didn’t want to be that person anymore. He wanted to settle down, fall in love and make love; not just fuck but make love. But who would want him now? After all the shit he had done, the people he had hurt. Who would forgive him for all of that. Shaun decided to go out on a limb.

“Hey everyone!” he smiled into the audience. “This one wasn’t originally on our set list for tonight, and as to not confuse Andy or Bradie, I think I’ll do it acoustic.”

A tech walked over to Shaun with his white acoustic in hand; he took Shaun electric and handed him the acoustic. Bradie exchanged a glance with Andy exchanged glances before making his way off the stage. Andy made his way to follow him.

“Wait, Andy,” Shaun called from the stool he was now sitting on. “This is a little something I wrote, by myself. It’s kind of personal. I know we usually end a show with something big and jumpy; but you guys get something special. Would you like that?”

The crowd went wild. Shaun took a deep breath. His mind raced. Should he go for it? Do what he had planned at the beginning of the show? He glanced over at Andy; his face was a mask of absolute confusion. Shaun had written two songs. One he couldn’t title which was a negative response to what Andy had confessed with that kiss and then this one; Counting the Stars.

“Okay, well,” Shaun chewed his lip. He was never nervous; the poster boy for confidence. He was pegged as fearless, the womanizer, the “good looking one.” None of that mattered or was relevant right now. All that mattered was Andy. He took another deep breath, a sigh echoing through the microphone, causing a hush over the girls and boys in the crowd. “Andy. This ones for you.”

Andy felt a slight blush fall upon his cheeks. He flicked his fringe from his eyes with a simple flick of his head. He crossed his arms and watched Shaun, the man he was admittedly in love with, place the acoustic delicately in his lap and sliding the strap around himself. He maneuvered the microphone a little before deciding he was comfortable.

“This is Counting the Stars,” Shaun almost whispered into the microphone. There was no cheer from the audience. Andy glanced over at the crowd from his position at the side of the stage closest to where he had been standing earlier. He remained on the stage and in view like Shaun requested. The crowd stared in awe; they didn’t move they just stared up at Shaun. Andy looked back over at Shaun. His fingers gingerly plucked the strings of the guitar; Andy guessed it was the intro of the song he had written. Shaun’s eyelids slipped closed and the sound of Shaun’s angelic voice filled the silent theatre, the opening lines sweet and meaningful.

Lets keep this
ever so quiet oh so quiet oh i like it alone
I’ll wait for you forever.
So this is the part at the end of act 1.
Where i turn to you and I say number one.
We’re just getting started, we're just warming up
So I’ll kiss you again and again and again.

Andy watched Shaun intently. What was Shaun saying? A small played at the corner of Shaun’s mouth.

oh.
I fall in love but no never in grace
so young, so wrong
we're counting the stars, counting the stars
oh.
i fall in love but no never in grace
so young, so wrong
we're counting the stars, counting the stars
Shaun stood up after, what Andy could only assume was the chorus. Shaun turned to Andy, one foot propped on the bottom rung of the stool. He moved back into the slower rhythm of the verse.

I could be just like him.
I’m dying; throw me a rope for my throat.
Watch me fall.
Watch me breaking your heart ‘cause I’m breaking your heart again now

As the song cued, Shaun took his foot off the stool and stood straight; looking a wide eyed Andy dead in the eye.

This is the part at the end of act 1 where I turn to you and I say number one,
I’ll wait for you forever so.

Shaun grinned at Andy’s response; before turning back to the crowd. The song picked up again; and it was like Shaun was playing his electric; the way he moved. It was how Andy liked seeing Shaun; smiling, carefree and happy.

oh.
I fall in love but no never in grace.
So young, so wrong,
We're counting the stars, counting the stars
Oh.
I fall in love but no never in grace
so young, so wrong.
We're counting the stars, counting the stars.

The tempo dropped again. Shaun stopped playing and sang A cappella; just his voice in the quiet room. Not a word, peep or whisper came from anyone. You could hear a pin drop. Andy watched the emotions change in Shaun’s face. It switched from pride and contentment to a look of realisation and apprehensiveness; Andy thought he noted a hint of desperation in their lead singers voice.
I can count on you win or lose.
It's gonna drown us from inside.
Save the escape, save the escape and I’ll kiss you again
and again and again and again and again .
I can count on you win or lose.
It's gonna drown us from inside.
Save the escape, save the escape and I’ll kiss you again
And again and again and again and again; forever.

Shaun pulled the guitar back into his hands and picked up the chorus tempo again. The crowd swayed with their arms in the air. Andy hoped they had a clue as to what this all meant, because he sure as hell didn’t.

Oh.
I fall in love but no never in grace
so young, so wrong;
We’re counting the stars, counting the stars.
Oh.
I fall in love but no never in grace.
So young, so wrong
we're counting the stars, counting the stars.

As Shaun played the closing notes of the song, he closed his eyes again. For a few moments the room remained silent. A single cheer escape a fans lips and the whole crowd broke into applause. Shaun smiled into the crowd.

“Thanks for letting me do that everyone,” he looked down. “I appreciate it. Goodnight.”

Shaun hopped off the stool and walked towards Andy. Andy dropped his gaze; refusing to look at Shaun. Shaun sighed and bypassed Andy, wandering backstage to the green room. Andy followed a short distance behind him. They were both greeted with Bradie’s wide grin.

“Dude!” his voice bounced off the walls. “That song was freaking awesome!”

“Thanks,” Shaun gushed. “I guess I was just inspired.”

Andy thought he saw Shaun steal a glance at him. He was clearly imagining things; right?

“The press are going to be all over this,” Bradie exclaimed, his excitement had reduced at all. Andy’s realisation hit him liek a kick to the gut.

“That’s why you did it?” Andy asked Shaun; exasperated. “For the fucking publicity?”

“What? No!” Shaun defended.

“Bull shit,” Andy shook his head. “It’s so fucking obvious now. “Shaun Diviney wows crowd with a heartfelt tale of love amongst the heavens. Nice one Shaun; fucking brilliant. You know, I should’ve expected this much from you.”

Andy had made a fool of himself last night. He hoped Shaun had come to him sometime today; caught him while he was trying to avoid him. He had hoped Shaun would confess that he shared Andy’s feelings and that he was confused as he was. He had hoped that he and the Shaun Diviney would have a chance at love; amongst their own heaven. He always did this to himself; set himself up for disappointment and failure. Shaun stared at Andy. What did he mean? Did he not see it? Wasn’t the song obvious enough?

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shaun didn’t raise his voice.

“I don’t know,” Andy rubbed the back of his head. “I guess what I’m saying is, it that I shouldn’t have said anything. Last night, I should’ve kept it all in the back of my head. Pardon the use of our lyrics to describe how I feel but it’s true. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I should’ve dropped it and kept it all to myself. I’m sorry; I have to get out of here.”

As Andy retreated from the room, Shaun looked around the room. Managers, roadies and Bradie were all looking at him. They all wore the same expression; astonishment. Shaun drew a breath. He pulled the guitar from his shoulder and dropped it to the floor; taking off after Andy. He couldn’t have possibly gotten far, could he? Shaun looked around; not finding Andy. He must have run. Shaun sighed. Not wanting to be bombarded with questions from the crew and his band mate Shaun walked back to the hotel. He let himself into his room and closed the door behind him. He flung himself onto his bed; pulling off his boots and socks and taking his belt off. He curled up on his side and closed his eyes.

Knock, Knock Knock.

Shaun sat upright quickly. Could it be; really? Shaun hauled himself off the bed and to the door. He slid the chain across and pulled it open slowly. He was met with a tousled, tear stained, hurt Andy. Shaun looked Andy up and down; his eyes not threatening, merely taking it all in. When they reached Andy’s face; Shaun saw the pain evident in Andy’s baby blues. The gazes locked and for what felt like a lifetime they stared at each other; neither blinking nor breaking the contact. Shaun couldn’t take it anymore. He stepped one step closer to Andy and grabbed the young man’s wrist and pulled him inside. He closed the door abruptly. He turned to see Andy standing looking at the floor.

Andy feared the worst. Shaun was going to hit him; hate him for being who he was. Shaun was going beat the leaving shit out of him and kick him to the curb. Shaun was going to fuck him; leaving no trace of Andy unscathed; he would be just another fuck; a worthless, angry fuck.

But what Shaun did surprised Andy. Shaun approached him; lifting Andy’s chin, forcing him to look Shaun in the eye. Shaun brushed his fingers along Andy’s cheek and jaw line; just like he did on that fateful night 3 years ago. But isn’t of kissing him, Shaun dropped his hand to Andy’s hand and pulled him flush up against him. He wrapped his arms around Andy’s tiny waist. Andy leaned up; wrapping his arms around Shaun’s neck. Andy blushed at the contact but held onto Shaun like his life depended on it. There was no way he was letting this slip away from him. This moment was magical.
For Andy the magic was short lived. He felt Shaun loosen his grasp on his waist. Andy let go and took a step back. He bit his lip and stared at the floor. Shaun's bare feet joined Andy's black sneakers in Andy's point of view.

"I can assure you Andy; I didn't write that song for publicity," Shaun's voice was small; it was as if he was unsure of himself.

"What did you write it for?" Andy reached up and smoothed his fringe out absent-mindedly.

Shaun grabbed Andy's hand and held it between both of his.

"It's more like, whom," Shaun confessed. Andy looked up.