The Sunrise of My Heart

My wrist healed a few days before term ended, meaning I had to spend a bit of time with other Hogwarts students. I refused to talk to anyone, though, except those that had fought in the Department of Mysteries. I tried not to focus too much on my surroundings, either. Everywhere I went, memories of being with Sirius would pop up, clouding my mind with bittersweet thoughts.
As I was walking down a random corridor, I saw Draco up ahead. He wasn't facing me, for which I was grateful. Draco knowing my secret was not something I had really wanted to happen. More specifically, I didn't want him to talk to me about Sirius, because I knew he would be cruel and taunting.
"Carson," he said, not even turning back to look at me.
"Malfoy," I answered hesitantly. Since he already knew I was there, I couldn't make a silent escape, causing me to frown briefly. "How'd you know who I was?"
"You're the only one who spends all their time wandering about the castle, moping over the injustice of life," he said with an audible sneer.
"Fuck off, Malfoy," I said tiredly. "If all you're gonna say to me are harsh words, you can just leave. Or step aside and let me leave. Either way, just leave me the hell alone."
"And where will you go?" he asked, turning to face me, smirking coldly. "To the Gryffindor common room? Everyone there would question you about what happened, they would pry into the events at the Department of Mysteries. Back at the Slytherin common room, everyone knows you were fond of Black. You'd find no escape there either. Where will poor Riley go, now that she's all alone and doesn't want to see anyone?"
I stood quietly, glaring at him. I knew he was baiting me, trying to piss me off. I knew he blamed all of us for his dad's "fall from grace", and getting under our skin would make him feel better. With a devious smirk, I pushed him up against the nearest wall.
"Poor Riley can hex the hell out of anyone who bothers her. That includes whiny, pathetic ex-boyfriends like you. And for the record, I'm not moping about the injustice of life. Someone I cared deeply for just died, right in front of my eyes. For two lives, he's been important to me. Do you honestly expect me to just walk away form that with a smile and be totally okay? You shouldn't. Because I'm not okay. Everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him, of what we used to have and who I used to be. And it's hard to deal with. So yeah, I'm a bit more emotional than usual, but at least I'm holding myself together, dammit! But you being a total bastard for no real reason is not helping me hold onto my control. So back the hell off, unless you want me to hex you into a pumpkin and serve you for dessert!"
He stared at me, startled by my outburst. Finally, he spoke. "A pumpkin?" he asked, looking at me like I was crazy. "Why a pumpkin, of all things?"
"I don't know. It just seemed like a good thing to turn you into. Plus, everyone loves pumpkin pie."
"You're bloody demented," he muttered.
"So I've been told," I answered. Tears had threatened to start falling in the middle of my outburst, but I was thankfully able to blink them back.
We were both silent for awhile, staring at the floor like it had all the answers to life written on its surface. With a sigh, I leaned up against the wall and slumped down, sliding into a sitting position. After a moment, Draco followed suit.
"Riley," he started, then hesitated.
"Yeah?" I asked, looking over at him.
He paused for a moment longer. "What's it like to die?"
I frowned, thinking about that for a moment. "Well, it depends on how you die. Sometimes, it's just like slipping into a deep sleep. Other times, it sucks hardcore. Like dieing from a knife wound. Not very fun."
"Oh," he said. "Is that what happened to you as Roxanne?"
"Yeah," I said softly. "It was my wedding day. We had said our "I do's" and shared our kiss as husband and wife. It was spectacular, for a few minutes. I was only married for about seven minutes. And then our wedding was ambushed by Death Eaters. One sneaked up behind me and stabbed me. I remember thinking how strange it was to see that violent red against my white dress. It was such a stark contrast. The last thing I remember before dieing is Sirius pulling me into his arms, begging me not to leave him. I wanted so badly to oblige, to recover from my wound and spend more time with him. But I didn't get to."
"What is it like to be dead?" he asked after awhile.
"I don't know what it's like for everyone. I don't know if not staying dead means it's different for me or not. I just know that when I'm dead, I don't feel anything. I cease to exist. I have no thoughts, no emotions, nothing. It's like a deep sleep where for awhile, you simply cease. It's peaceful and quiet, and afterwards, you feel so rested. Or in my case, I feel this vague sense of warmth and happiness; then there's coldness and lots of screaming; dim thoughts of food, bonding, using the diaper, and sleeping; and eventually, coherent thoughts of being a toddler and a kid, and growing up form there."
"So you remember being in the womb, and being birthed, and what it's like to be a baby?"
"Sort of. I remember what it felt like, and sometimes I get dim flashes of a face, or something like that. But for the most part, I don't become aware of things until I'm about three of four."
We lapsed into silence again, the only sounds were our breathing and light drumming of my fingers against the floor. Draco silently and slowly grabbed my hand in his, and I laced my fingers through his without a word. We sat there like that for a few minutes, neither one speaking or moving, our entwined hands the only contact between us.
"This can't go on, you know," Draco said with a sigh.
I sighed as well and nodded. "I know. Our paths are heading in two different directions, pulling us apart. I am loyal to Harry's cause, and you are loyal to your family's." I hesitated for a moment before adding, "You could always switch paths, you know. Join me on my path and help with our cause."
"I can't do that," he said softly. With another sigh, he stood up, dropping my hand. He gave me one last look before walking away, his footsteps quickly retreating.
I stayed where I was, my hand still tingling from his touch. Things were going to be very complicated if this was any indication. Feelings were useless things, always getting in the way and clouding people's brains.
Suddenly very tired, I got up and headed to the Gryffindor common room, where I went up to the boy's dorm and crawled into one of the beds. It was something I had done so often as Roxanne, finding comfort with my closest friends. I drifted off to sleep and was just barely woken up by the feeling of someone placing a blanket over me. I opened one eye to see James--no, Harry-- silently starting to walk away.
"Harry," I said tiredly. "Will you cuddle with me?" He looked at me in surprise, obviously feeling a bit awkward. "Sorry, it's just that sleeping next to someone I trust always keeps the nightmares at bay. I used to come up here and sleep next to Moony, because we both needed a little reprieve from bad dreams."
He hesitated for a moment before climbing in next to me, pulling me close. I snuggled up next to his side and smiled tiredly. "If you want, I'll tell you a story about the Marauders right now. I'm awake enough to do that. You'll have to tell me what kind of story you want to hear though."
"All right," he said. "Tell me a story about my parents. A happy one."
I smiled again. "I'll tell you about the time James proposed to Lily. It was a couple weeks before term ended in our seventh year. Everyone was nervous because Voldy was on the move, and war was inevitable. We were all so anxious. Our first year in the real world was going to be in the middle of one of the darkest times the Wizarding world had ever seen. One day in the Great Hall, James stood up in the table, causing everyone to stop talking. Right there, in the middle of dinner, he looked at Lily and said 'Lily Evans, I love you, and I always will love you. It doesn't matter what kind of horrors are going on around us as long as I'll always have you by my side. Would you do me the immense honor of becoming my wife?' Everyone was speechless, staring at Lily to see how she would react. It was brilliant, something only James could have pulled off without getting in trouble by the teachers. I actually think Dumbledore was in on it."
"Did she say yes then, or did he have to ask more than once?" Harry asked.
"She said yes. She stood up, grabbed James by the tie, and pulled him down for a deep kiss before saying that marrying him would make her the happiest woman in the world. James pulled out a gorgeous ring and stuck it on her finger, finally jumping down from the table. Of course, nearly the whole Great Hall erupted into cheers, even the teacher's table. Only the Slytherins seemed to think it was a waste of their time, but no one cares about what they think."
"Riley, you're a Slytherin," he pointed out.
"Yes, but in my heart I'm a Gryffindor. Besides, I was a Gryffindor then." I smiled and then stifled a yawn. Harry noticed and shifted so we were both in more comfortable positions.
"Good night, Harry," I mumbled, not caring that it was actually only about four in the evening. Feeling comforted by Harry's presence like I would feel sleeping beside a brother, I drifted off into sleep again, a small smile on my lips.