Inspiration.
2.
Date- 11th-12th of January, 2010.
I need to start over.
I want to restart my life, and try all over again. I regret most of the choices I’ve made. Like vandalism, stealing, lying... cheating.
I know that I’ve hurt people. Especially my own Mother.
I believe it was in December, the year 2008. I had gotten a PSP for Christmas, I had been begging both my Mom and Dad for one for months.
Internet access, music, pictures, games. It’s all I needed.
-
Now I don’t want you thinking that I joined Mibba to get a boyfriend, nor a girlfriend. I joined this site because my wonderful friend Lainnie, who I love so much, showed me Mibba one day at school and encouraged me to join. I’ve always loved writing, it’s how I express my feelings without having any words come out of my mouth.
About four, five days after Christmas, I was in my room sending a message on Mibba to an internet boyfriend. I regret internet relationships that I’ve had. They’re pointless. I was explaining my sexuality to this boy, who I will not name, but my mom happened to walk in.
I didn’t want her seeing the screen, or anything I had already written. It was a very long message, and it was full of secrets that my Mother didn’t know.
She asked me what I was doing, I replied “nothing.” She wanted to see the screen, she knew I was up to something. I was hiding it away from her, I put it face-down on my lap and held down the Square button, and the message was starting to get erased.
I tried to keep telling her I wasn’t up to anything, but she insisted on seeing my PSP. I finally gave up and handed it to her, not knowing how much of my secrets had been erased.
She walked to her room and shut the door. I stayed sitting in my computer chair, wondering if she would question me.
I got tired of waiting for her to get out of her room. I grabbed my Pre-Algebra book, a pencil, and the phone as I walked to Gilly’s old room.
I called Kendall. I needed to make up a story to why I couldn’t let my mom see what I was talking about. Kendall gave a suggestion and it was a good one, a good enough one for my Mother to believe.
I’ve always been a good liar, and I use it to my advantage most times. I would call myself a liar, but others say they wouldn’t... that’s only because they don’t know how often I really lie to them.
I heard my mom at the door and I looked up, then looked back down, pretending to be doing my math. “We need to talk.”
I looked back up at her. “I gotta go.” I told Kendall, then deeply swallowed.
My Mother then started yelling at me, which hadn’t happened for years. She was tired of me lying to her...
It’s a sad thing really. How good of a liar I am, the things I lie about. I have my secrets, and I don’t think my parents need to know all of them. My sexuality shouldn’t be a big deal with my parents. Even though my Father is a homophobe, racist, and everything else you can think of. I guess that’s partly why I haven’t told my parents yet. I’m scared to what they’ll say.
I yelled back at her that I haven’t lied, that I had no reason to.
Nate had already badly hurt my mother’s feelings.
She told me I was turning into my brother. That made me want to slap her.
I quit yelling.
“I’m nothing like him.” I told her flatly. I wanted to cry, she had already hurt my feelings, which is hard to do most times.
I sat there on the bed with yellow sheets. She stood at the white door, her eyes were getting red.
She told me she was tired of playing these games with me and my other siblings. I thought she was being over dramatic with the situation.
Mother asks too many questions. I love answering questions, but, just not most my Mother ask. She’s questioned me about my sexuality a few times, every time I told her I was straight and that I was clueless as to why she kept asking.
But Rachel knows.
Rachel knows I had the biggest crush on Kelsey Stanovich, and so did Kelsey.
She’s perfect, her smile is amazing, she can make anyone laugh. She’s one of the nicest people I know. She talks to me when no one else will, helps me with my problems.
Whenever Rachel figures out one of my “secrets”, she tells Nate.
Nate is... indescribable. He’s very rude and obnoxious, he’ll make fun of anybody for anything; he thinks he’s better than anybody, and everyone else.
He’s been making fun of me for liking girls since the moment he knew.
I’ll tell you more about Nate later, there’s so much to tell.
-
My Mother was crying, I could see a tear on her red face. I knew I was in deep trouble, I just couldn’t believe why.
I was mad at her, she didn’t know me and I didn’t want her to. I didn’t need her to approve me, who I am. I don’t need anyone too. I am myself, and no one else will change that.
She turned around and walked back to her room; I could hear her crying.
For a moment, I didn’t move. It was so unreal what had happened. I stared at the wall in front of me and tried not to cry.
Why wouldn’t I just cry?
I wanted to, so badly. I wanted to leave and never come back to that house, nor the people living in it.
I just wanted to stay with my biological parents, even if they still were doing drugs and drinking too much.
I believe that night, was the night when everything started to change. I became more interested with what had happened in my past, I wanted to know why I was there, that specific home, those people.
I needed to know. I needed to start over.
I need to start over.
I want to restart my life, and try all over again. I regret most of the choices I’ve made. Like vandalism, stealing, lying... cheating.
I know that I’ve hurt people. Especially my own Mother.
I believe it was in December, the year 2008. I had gotten a PSP for Christmas, I had been begging both my Mom and Dad for one for months.
Internet access, music, pictures, games. It’s all I needed.
-
Now I don’t want you thinking that I joined Mibba to get a boyfriend, nor a girlfriend. I joined this site because my wonderful friend Lainnie, who I love so much, showed me Mibba one day at school and encouraged me to join. I’ve always loved writing, it’s how I express my feelings without having any words come out of my mouth.
About four, five days after Christmas, I was in my room sending a message on Mibba to an internet boyfriend. I regret internet relationships that I’ve had. They’re pointless. I was explaining my sexuality to this boy, who I will not name, but my mom happened to walk in.
I didn’t want her seeing the screen, or anything I had already written. It was a very long message, and it was full of secrets that my Mother didn’t know.
She asked me what I was doing, I replied “nothing.” She wanted to see the screen, she knew I was up to something. I was hiding it away from her, I put it face-down on my lap and held down the Square button, and the message was starting to get erased.
I tried to keep telling her I wasn’t up to anything, but she insisted on seeing my PSP. I finally gave up and handed it to her, not knowing how much of my secrets had been erased.
She walked to her room and shut the door. I stayed sitting in my computer chair, wondering if she would question me.
I got tired of waiting for her to get out of her room. I grabbed my Pre-Algebra book, a pencil, and the phone as I walked to Gilly’s old room.
I called Kendall. I needed to make up a story to why I couldn’t let my mom see what I was talking about. Kendall gave a suggestion and it was a good one, a good enough one for my Mother to believe.
I’ve always been a good liar, and I use it to my advantage most times. I would call myself a liar, but others say they wouldn’t... that’s only because they don’t know how often I really lie to them.
I heard my mom at the door and I looked up, then looked back down, pretending to be doing my math. “We need to talk.”
I looked back up at her. “I gotta go.” I told Kendall, then deeply swallowed.
My Mother then started yelling at me, which hadn’t happened for years. She was tired of me lying to her...
It’s a sad thing really. How good of a liar I am, the things I lie about. I have my secrets, and I don’t think my parents need to know all of them. My sexuality shouldn’t be a big deal with my parents. Even though my Father is a homophobe, racist, and everything else you can think of. I guess that’s partly why I haven’t told my parents yet. I’m scared to what they’ll say.
I yelled back at her that I haven’t lied, that I had no reason to.
Nate had already badly hurt my mother’s feelings.
She told me I was turning into my brother. That made me want to slap her.
I quit yelling.
“I’m nothing like him.” I told her flatly. I wanted to cry, she had already hurt my feelings, which is hard to do most times.
I sat there on the bed with yellow sheets. She stood at the white door, her eyes were getting red.
She told me she was tired of playing these games with me and my other siblings. I thought she was being over dramatic with the situation.
Mother asks too many questions. I love answering questions, but, just not most my Mother ask. She’s questioned me about my sexuality a few times, every time I told her I was straight and that I was clueless as to why she kept asking.
But Rachel knows.
Rachel knows I had the biggest crush on Kelsey Stanovich, and so did Kelsey.
She’s perfect, her smile is amazing, she can make anyone laugh. She’s one of the nicest people I know. She talks to me when no one else will, helps me with my problems.
Whenever Rachel figures out one of my “secrets”, she tells Nate.
Nate is... indescribable. He’s very rude and obnoxious, he’ll make fun of anybody for anything; he thinks he’s better than anybody, and everyone else.
He’s been making fun of me for liking girls since the moment he knew.
I’ll tell you more about Nate later, there’s so much to tell.
-
My Mother was crying, I could see a tear on her red face. I knew I was in deep trouble, I just couldn’t believe why.
I was mad at her, she didn’t know me and I didn’t want her to. I didn’t need her to approve me, who I am. I don’t need anyone too. I am myself, and no one else will change that.
She turned around and walked back to her room; I could hear her crying.
For a moment, I didn’t move. It was so unreal what had happened. I stared at the wall in front of me and tried not to cry.
Why wouldn’t I just cry?
I wanted to, so badly. I wanted to leave and never come back to that house, nor the people living in it.
I just wanted to stay with my biological parents, even if they still were doing drugs and drinking too much.
I believe that night, was the night when everything started to change. I became more interested with what had happened in my past, I wanted to know why I was there, that specific home, those people.
I needed to know. I needed to start over.