I Love the Way That She Breathes

I shot up, a cold sweat covering my body. I had another nightmare about Ronnie in jail. He was being beaten helplessly while guards stood by and laughed. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and walked onto my balcony. Jeff was on the floor, leaning against the railing, smoking a joint. I lit my cigarette.

"What are you doing up here?" I asked.

He smiled lazily at me, "I was jamming with Nason, and he said he'd be right back, but that was like an hour ago."

I laughed, "Did he forget about you, love?"

Jeff smiled, "I think so."

I looked next to him and spotted a near empty bottle of vodka in his other hand.

"You guys got a little smashed?"

He took a hit of the joint, nodding as he let the hit out.

"I thought you went to bed like three hours ago," he said.

I sighed, "I did. I had a nightmare and woke up."

He shook his head, "Another one?"

"Yeah."

He motioned for me to sit with him. I sat next to him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"What was it about?"

"Ronnie said something to the wrong people and they beat him until he was bloody and almost dead. He was screaming for help but the guards were pointing and laughing."

Jeff squeezed my shoulders in comfort.

"That is rough, but guards wouldn't do that. They would separate them before it got that bad. Plus, a lot of people in that place have Ronnie's back, and you know that. So, don't worry about it, love. He'll be fine and he'll come out of there soon and be with you, okay?"

I leaned my head on his shoulder, taking a drag of my cigarette, "Thanks Jeff."

He put his joint out, "No problem. Now, you going back to bed?"

I took the final drag of my cigarette and put it out, "Yeah."

"Let me in the house, please."

I giggled, "Sure."

Jeff wrapped his other arm around me, hugging me to his side, "I'm gonna miss you! You're going on Warped tour!"

I giggled again, "Hopefully! If Ronnie is okay with me going because of ETF. I'm gonna miss you guys, too."

"You'll be back, though."

"Of course. This is where I live!"

"Are you nervous?"

"I guess I am a little, but I mean there's other people that can help them out. I'm sure Kevin knows my situation and if he doesn't, next time I see him, I'll talk to him."

"You know, Ronnie really hit the jackpot, being with you."

I smiled at him, "Thanks, Jeff."

"No problem. Let's get some sleep, girl."

I stood up silently, then helped Jeff off the ground. He grabbed the bottle, taking a drink as he walked through my room. He closed the door behind him after he saluted me, an adorable smile on his face. I got back in bed and under the covers, feeling better after my talk with him.

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I woke up mid-scream. My cellmate shifted before rolling over. I had a nightmare about the fight in the desert that landed me in this hellhole, but instead of Cook getting shot, Norah came to talk me out of it and ended up getting shot. If that had happened, I would never have forgiven myself. I wiped the sweat from my face, sitting up. I could hear Lucky snoring, but I couldn't see anything. It was pitch black in here. I couldn't even write because I couldn't fucking see. I decided to write a letter to her in my head, and hopefully I'd remember it tomorrow.

Dear Norah,

I don't know why I keep dreaming about you dying. It scares me to death, thinking about you dying. I'm gonna stay sober. Forever. I'm done with that lifestyle, Norah. I'm done doing drugs and I'm done hurting you. You're so important to me, baby. I love you so much, it's insane.

Love, Ronnie

I took a deep breath, lied back down and fell back asleep.

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After being searched, I was taken to a room with phone booths lined up, inmates on one side, visitors on the other. I sat down, a teenager to my left and a woman who looked to be in her late twenties with a one year old to my right. I heard clanking and saw Ronnie sit down in front of me. He picked up his phone as I picked up mine.

"Hey, baby!"

I smiled, "You're in a good mood."

He nodded, "Of course! I'm lookin' at you!"

I laughed, "Well, thanks, babe."

He smiled, "So, what's up?"

I frowned, "Why aren't we in the other visitation room?"

Ronnie rolled his eyes, "I got in trouble, so they took my face to face visitation away for a while."

"That sucks."

"I know. I would love to touch your skin right about now."

I blushed and put my hand against the glass. He put his hand on the other side, sighing.

"So, what's this news you have to tell me?"

I took a deep breath, "My boss is good friends with Kevin Lyman, and Kevin asked if he had anyone he could spare for the summer to work as his assistants, and my boss offered Jessica and I the jobs."

Ronnie smiled, "That's great, baby! What's the problem?"

I hung my head, not meeting his eyes, "Escape the Fate is on the line up."

The other end was silent for a minute, "Babe, look at me."

I looked into Ronnie's eyes, "It would be a great opportunity, but if you don't want me to go, I won't. My loyalty is with you."

He chuckled, "Well, I would hope so. God, you are too good for someone like me."

I shook my head, "I'm good because of you."

His smile faltered, "No, you can barely sleep because of me. You have nightmares because of me."

"How did you know?"

"Nason told me you wake up screaming. But even if he hadn't told me, I can see it in your face that you haven't gotten enough sleep. I couldn't ask you not to take the job, Norah. I'm already asking too much of you."

Tears were in my eyes, "Ronnie, I love you so much."

"I love you. More than you know. And um, I've been having nightmares, too."

"Really? About what?"

He took a deep breath, "About you dying. Like the people from the fight hurting you on purpose."

I put my hand on the glass again. He matched my hand with his.

"Ronnie, I'm with no less than three guys at a time, I'm gonna be okay."

He nodded, "I know, all of those guys better take care of you. What kind of nightmares are you having?"

"The last one I had was about you getting jumped in prison and the guards just watched and laughed as huge dudes beat you almost to death. You were screaming in pain. The screams were agonizing."

"I hope the guys are taking care of you."

I nodded, "Jeff and Jacky have been super good. They always talk to me and make me feel better so I can go to sleep."

He smiled, "They better know that they gotta step down when I get out."

I laughed, "They just don't want to see me hurting. They aren't moving in on your territory. Plus, I won't let them."

Ronnie grinned, "Good."

I stared at his lips, "God, I wanna kiss you so bad."

He bit his lip, "Norah, you have no idea. Fuck, I can't have this conversation now."

I smirked, "Want me to write you dirty letters in addition to my regular letters?"

Ronnie nodded, "Please do. You can put them in the same envelope though."

I giggled, "Okay. I'll write you dirty letters, babe. I'll write them when I'm alone at night, in the dark, pretending you're the one touching me."

He bit his lip, his voice low in my ear, "I wanna take you so hard right now."

He was giving me bedroom eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut, my knuckles must've been white, "Ronnie," I whispered.

"Norah, when I get out...fuck. I'm just gonna fuck you as soon as I see you. I don't care who's there."

I laughed breathlessly, "Ronnie, you're turning me on so bad."

He chuckled darkly in my ear, "Good."

"Do you think about me when you're getting yourself off?"

He nodded, "You're all I think about. I dream about being in you all the time."

"That sounds perfect right now," I said softly, biting my lip.

"What, me being inside you?"

I nodded, "I would do anything to be with you, Ronnie."

"I wish I could get conjugal visits."

I sighed, "I do, too. I had a dream about riding you last night."

"You did? Tell me about it."

I smirked, "I was teasing you. I would sit on your dick and just move my hips. And I would tighten around you, just to watch you squirm. And I did that for what felt like 15 minutes, then you flipped us over and just pounded into me so hard. I woke up tingling."

I was staring into Ronnie's eyes as I spoke. He looked so desperate. When I finished, a low growl came from his end. He put his hand on the glass, and I put my hand over it.

"Fuck, I love being this in love with you."

"What do you mean?"

"I love how you can turn me on like that. With just words."

"You have a special relationship with words," I said, winking, "It's only right that they turn you on."

A guard tapped him on the shoulder and motioned for him to get up.

"You're right. I love you, babe. Write dirty to me."

I laughed, "I love you, too."

We hung up and a guard handcuffed Ronnie. We both stood up and he blew me a kiss. I laughed as a guard escorted me and the teenage girl out of the room. We picked up our things and walked outside. I lit a cigarette, and she looked at me, wiping her eyes.

"Can you spare a cigarette?" she asked, sniffling.

I took the half empty pack out of my purse and handed it to her. She took one out and handed it back. I shook my head.

"You can keep it."

She smiled, "Really?"

I nodded, "I'll buy another one on the way home."

"Thank you so much."

I smiled and took my lighter back from her, "Visiting your boyfriend?"

She nodded, "He's got six months for assault, battery and possession."

"How old are you guys?"

"He just turned 20, I'm 18."

"How long has he been in for?"

"About three weeks. I was away at school, so this is the first time I've seen him. He said he's been hanging out with Ronnie Radke a lot, the old singer from Escape the Fate. And he said that all Ronnie talks about is his girlfriend. He told me some of the things he says about her. It's so sweet. I feel bad for her for what she's going through."

I smirked, "What does he say?"

"Um, that she's perfect. That he can't wait to get out and just hold her and tell her how much he loves her. He said that if it wasn't for her, he would be dead."

Tears welled up in my eyes, "Really?"

She nodded, "Isn't that sweet? I want someone to love me like that one day."

The tears spilled over my eyes and I started gasping for breath, my hand on my chest. She looked concerned.

"Are you okay?"

I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head.

Her eyes widened, "Oh my god, are you Ronnie's girlfriend?"

I nodded, trying to take deep breaths. She put my hand on her chest and told me to breathe like her. After a few minutes, she regulated my breathing.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"No problem. I didn't mean to give you a panic attack," she said, wiping at my eyes.

I nodded, "It's okay. That's never happened to me before."

"My brother has Panic Disorder, that's how we calm him down."

"I'm glad I wasn't with the guys, they probably wouldn't know what to do. Ronnie would have been screaming on the other side of the glass."

She smiled sympathetically, "When you get home, tell them to just help you get your breathing back to normal without them panicking that you're having a panic attack."

I nodded, "I'm gonna. Thanks again, seriously."

"No problem. I'm Brittany," she put her hand out.

I shook it, "Norah. It's nice to meet you, Brittany."

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I walked in the house, physically and emotionally drained. Jeff, Jacky, and Derek were sitting on the couch, playing the xbox. I shut the door and they all looked over at me.

"Norah!"

"Girlll! Shooooo, what's up!"

"How'd it go?"

I shook my head, "I don't even know."

Jacky patted the couch next to him.

"I wanna go change, hold on."

I walked upstairs and put my purse on my bed. I took off the clothes I was forced to wear to visit Ronnie and pulled one of Ronnie's shirts over my head, and a pair of black shorts. I grabbed my phone and walked downstairs. Derek and Nason were playing the xbox while Jacky and Jeff sat with a space between them. I walked around and sat down next to them. Jeff's arm went around the back of the couch.

"Tell us what happened, love," Jacky said.

"Well, I got there and had to sit behind glass and talk to him through a phone. We talked about me going on Warped and he's okay with it. And then he told me that Nason told him about the nightmares and he told me he was having nightmares, too. We talked a little longer before we had to separate. So I walked outside and this girl had been inside next to me asked me for a cigarette. We started talking and she mentioned her boyfriend was hanging out with Ronnie Radke when they could and that all Ronnie talked about was his girlfriend. So I asked what he said about her, and the girl didn't realize she was talking to his girlfriend. So she started saying what her boyfriend told her, and Ronnie said that without me, he would be dead. And I started crying. And I had a panic attack."

Jacky looked concerned and Jeff wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Seriously? My brother used to have panic attacks sometimes. They're really scary. We'll take care of you, don't worry."

Jacky nodded, "We will."

I smiled, "I told Ronnie that you guys were really good to me and he said you guys better know that you're gonna have to step down when he gets out."

Jeff and Jacky laughed, Jeff hugging me to his side, "We know, don't worry."

I smiled, "She's a nice girl. We exchanged numbers."

Jacky smiled, "You could use another friend that's not a guy, especially in this house."

"So, you're not telling us something on the end of what you and Ron talked about," Nason said, his game with Derek finished.

"Ron and I deciding to send each other dirty letters has nothing to do with anyone here."

Jacky remained quiet as everyone else cat-called at me. I nudged him with my leg, making him look up at me. I looked at him, confused. He just shook his head, turning to ask Derek if he could have a turn. I looked at Jeff, who shrugged. I grabbed Jacky's hand and dragged him up to my room. He tried protesting, but I ignored him. I shut the door and sat on my bed. He stayed against the door.

"What's wrong?"

He shrugged, looking anywhere but me.

"Jacky, I was born at night, not last night. Talk to me."

He looked at me, "I...fuck I can't tell you."

"Why? Jacky, you can talk to me about anything."

He sighed, "Okay," he took a deep breath, "I um, I fancy you."

My eyes widened, "You do?"

"Yeah, and it sucks cause you're with Ronnie."

I sighed, "Listen, you're a great guy, Jacky. And if I wasn't with Ronnie, I'd definitely be interested in you. You're sweet and you're very attractive. But I'm in love with Ronnie, and I couldn't turn my back on him now."

He smiled weakly, "I know. I just had to get it off my chest."

"It's okay, I understand."

He nodded, "I'm gonna go for a walk, I'll see you later."

As he walked out of the room, I thought about what Jacky had just told me.