Forgotten
Nightmares.
JOSH'S POV.
"I said shut up my little Angel."
"N..no! l..leave m..me alone!" I sobbed, trying to wrench myself out of his tight grip but not able to move him an inch, he was far too strong.
"Angel face, be quiet and stop fighting, we can make this enjoyable for you too," he said softly. His voice made me feel sick to my stomach, I struggled again but he just held me tighter. I was in the house all alone with this physco, mom had gone out to the store and taken Robbie and Cassie with her leaving Darren in charge. I begged to go with them but she had said no. I don't know why.
"Please, don't d..do this to me, please," I fought to keep my voice steady as he pulled off my jeans roughly, pushing his own down to round his knees along with his boxers.
"DON'T!! PLEASE!! HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I screamed until I could taste blood and my voice was almost gone while he just smiled his twisted smile at me. He put his hand over my mouth and pulled my boxers off.
"Keep quiet and still sweet-cheeks, nobody can hear you anyway," I bit his hand as hard as I could, tears streaming down my face. I knew what he was going to do, he had done it before, many times before and I hadn't told. Not even Robbie and we share everything usually.
I felt him pressing at my entrance and let out a strangled sob and prepared myself for the pain I was about to once again feel. He started to push in and I screamed, yelling as loud as I could and thrashing around...
I woke up. It was just another nightmare. Robbie was looking at me and I had woken Cassie up too.
"Josh are you alright?" he asked as I got up and ran for the bathroom. I flicked on the light and rushed over to the toilet, sticking two fingers as far as I could down my throat and forcing myself to empty the contents of my stomach. I flushed it away and washed my hands, looking in the mirror on the wall.
My blond hair was everywhere, some stuck to my sweaty forehead, some sticking up from where I had been sleeping. The clock on the side said two thirty-four AM. I took a few deep, calming breaths and tried to force Darren out of my head. What he had done to me was strong in my mind, I would have regular nightmares and wake up sick and shaking just as I had now. The nightmares felt so real and I had no intention of ever re-living the experiences he had left me with.
I stared at my pale, sweaty reflection for the longest time, trying to figure out why me, what I had ever done. I jumped as I saw somebody with dark hair enter the bathroom behind me. It was only Ray.
"Hey dude, what are you doing up this time of night? are you OK?" he asked, looking at me. I was only in pajama pants and that was it but he kept his eyes on my face, he wasn't like Darren.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just went to the bathroom is all."
"Who was screaming?"
"Sorry?"
"Somebody was yelling and screaming, was it you?"
I felt tears burn at the back of my eyes and forced them back and shook my head, turning my head away from him so that if a tear did find its way out, he wouldn't see.
"Are you sure you're alright Josh?" he asked with kindness and concern in his voice.
"How did you know it was me?"
"Well your brother is a little more confrontational than you, and you have different eyes."
"We do?"
"Yep, I noticed it right away when I first met you, yours are really bright blue, exactly the same as your dads, your brothers have a little more green in them. Your dad noticed too, and your personalities are completely different," he explained and I nodded and went to leave the room.
"Night Ray."
"Josh, seriously, If theres anything wrong, you can always talk to me about it, if you don't want me to I wont even tell your dad, I wont tell anybody."
The thought of freeing myself seemed very appealing at that moment but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, to tell this near stranger why I was so fucked up. I knew what I had to do.
"No, It's fine, theres nothing bothering me, goodnight."
"Night kiddo." He walked into the bathroom all the way and shut the door. I tiptoed downstairs towards the kitchen, turning on the lights as I went. I got myself a glass of water and sipped it slowly, thinking things through, all the possibilities.
I made up my mind and walked over to the draw, opening it silently and taking out a small but sharp knife. I put the glass I had used in the sink and ran my fingers along the blade a few times. Then I did it. I cut. It lets me forget, forget about Darren, about mom, about everything fucked up in my life, it takes it all away. I left two deep cuts on each wrist, smaller shallow ones on my hands and then I looked into the hallway to check nobody was coming.
There was no-one there so I made my next move, something I only did after one of these nightmares. I pulled down my pajama pants at one side and cut my thigh deeply, hissing in pain I dropped the knife onto the floor with a clatter.
"Shit!" I whispered, picking it up and rinsing it off in the sink before drying it hastily and putting it back in the drawer where I had found it. I silently made my way back upstairs, the bathroom light was off and everyone was sound asleep. I tiptoed back to my camp-bed on the floor in dads room. He had convinced us to sleep there now and let him sleep in the tiny spare room. I felt bad taking his room away but he insisted, he's been really nice to us.
"Josh are you alright?" whispered Robbie.
"I'm fine bro, goodnight."
"Night."
I fell back into an uneasy sleep but at least I didn't dream of Darren again.
I woke up about eight hours later, blinking in the bright sunlight and I made my way downstairs as Robbie and Cassie were gone from their beds. I turned the corner into the living room and got smacked in the face, I fell to the ground, clutching the side of my head.
"Shit! Sorry bro!" said Robbie, pulling me to my feet.
"You alright?" asked dad, looking concerned.
"I'm great, what the hell did you hit me with anyway?" Josh held up a white remote controller or some sort.
"What is it?" I asked, rubbing my head.
"It's called Nintendo Wii, you wanna play? Its so cool! It has tennis and bowling and boxing and loads of other stuff!"
"Uh.. yeah OK I'll try, how do you do it?"
Frank and Mikey showed me how to use the controller and set me up to play a game of tennis against Robbie. Dad and Cassie were sat on the couch watching and Ray was nowhere to be seen.
I lost spectacularly every round until I gave up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Dad followed me, needing more coffee.
"Don't worry about it, I'm crap at that thing too," he said with a smile. I smiled too and passed him a mug from the cupboard, completely forgetting about what I had done to my arm as I extended it towards him, only realizing when it was too late. His eyes widened as he saw my wrist and hand and he looked up at me. Blue met Blue and the look on his face said it all.
"I said shut up my little Angel."
"N..no! l..leave m..me alone!" I sobbed, trying to wrench myself out of his tight grip but not able to move him an inch, he was far too strong.
"Angel face, be quiet and stop fighting, we can make this enjoyable for you too," he said softly. His voice made me feel sick to my stomach, I struggled again but he just held me tighter. I was in the house all alone with this physco, mom had gone out to the store and taken Robbie and Cassie with her leaving Darren in charge. I begged to go with them but she had said no. I don't know why.
"Please, don't d..do this to me, please," I fought to keep my voice steady as he pulled off my jeans roughly, pushing his own down to round his knees along with his boxers.
"DON'T!! PLEASE!! HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I screamed until I could taste blood and my voice was almost gone while he just smiled his twisted smile at me. He put his hand over my mouth and pulled my boxers off.
"Keep quiet and still sweet-cheeks, nobody can hear you anyway," I bit his hand as hard as I could, tears streaming down my face. I knew what he was going to do, he had done it before, many times before and I hadn't told. Not even Robbie and we share everything usually.
I felt him pressing at my entrance and let out a strangled sob and prepared myself for the pain I was about to once again feel. He started to push in and I screamed, yelling as loud as I could and thrashing around...
I woke up. It was just another nightmare. Robbie was looking at me and I had woken Cassie up too.
"Josh are you alright?" he asked as I got up and ran for the bathroom. I flicked on the light and rushed over to the toilet, sticking two fingers as far as I could down my throat and forcing myself to empty the contents of my stomach. I flushed it away and washed my hands, looking in the mirror on the wall.
My blond hair was everywhere, some stuck to my sweaty forehead, some sticking up from where I had been sleeping. The clock on the side said two thirty-four AM. I took a few deep, calming breaths and tried to force Darren out of my head. What he had done to me was strong in my mind, I would have regular nightmares and wake up sick and shaking just as I had now. The nightmares felt so real and I had no intention of ever re-living the experiences he had left me with.
I stared at my pale, sweaty reflection for the longest time, trying to figure out why me, what I had ever done. I jumped as I saw somebody with dark hair enter the bathroom behind me. It was only Ray.
"Hey dude, what are you doing up this time of night? are you OK?" he asked, looking at me. I was only in pajama pants and that was it but he kept his eyes on my face, he wasn't like Darren.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just went to the bathroom is all."
"Who was screaming?"
"Sorry?"
"Somebody was yelling and screaming, was it you?"
I felt tears burn at the back of my eyes and forced them back and shook my head, turning my head away from him so that if a tear did find its way out, he wouldn't see.
"Are you sure you're alright Josh?" he asked with kindness and concern in his voice.
"How did you know it was me?"
"Well your brother is a little more confrontational than you, and you have different eyes."
"We do?"
"Yep, I noticed it right away when I first met you, yours are really bright blue, exactly the same as your dads, your brothers have a little more green in them. Your dad noticed too, and your personalities are completely different," he explained and I nodded and went to leave the room.
"Night Ray."
"Josh, seriously, If theres anything wrong, you can always talk to me about it, if you don't want me to I wont even tell your dad, I wont tell anybody."
The thought of freeing myself seemed very appealing at that moment but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, to tell this near stranger why I was so fucked up. I knew what I had to do.
"No, It's fine, theres nothing bothering me, goodnight."
"Night kiddo." He walked into the bathroom all the way and shut the door. I tiptoed downstairs towards the kitchen, turning on the lights as I went. I got myself a glass of water and sipped it slowly, thinking things through, all the possibilities.
I made up my mind and walked over to the draw, opening it silently and taking out a small but sharp knife. I put the glass I had used in the sink and ran my fingers along the blade a few times. Then I did it. I cut. It lets me forget, forget about Darren, about mom, about everything fucked up in my life, it takes it all away. I left two deep cuts on each wrist, smaller shallow ones on my hands and then I looked into the hallway to check nobody was coming.
There was no-one there so I made my next move, something I only did after one of these nightmares. I pulled down my pajama pants at one side and cut my thigh deeply, hissing in pain I dropped the knife onto the floor with a clatter.
"Shit!" I whispered, picking it up and rinsing it off in the sink before drying it hastily and putting it back in the drawer where I had found it. I silently made my way back upstairs, the bathroom light was off and everyone was sound asleep. I tiptoed back to my camp-bed on the floor in dads room. He had convinced us to sleep there now and let him sleep in the tiny spare room. I felt bad taking his room away but he insisted, he's been really nice to us.
"Josh are you alright?" whispered Robbie.
"I'm fine bro, goodnight."
"Night."
I fell back into an uneasy sleep but at least I didn't dream of Darren again.
I woke up about eight hours later, blinking in the bright sunlight and I made my way downstairs as Robbie and Cassie were gone from their beds. I turned the corner into the living room and got smacked in the face, I fell to the ground, clutching the side of my head.
"Shit! Sorry bro!" said Robbie, pulling me to my feet.
"You alright?" asked dad, looking concerned.
"I'm great, what the hell did you hit me with anyway?" Josh held up a white remote controller or some sort.
"What is it?" I asked, rubbing my head.
"It's called Nintendo Wii, you wanna play? Its so cool! It has tennis and bowling and boxing and loads of other stuff!"
"Uh.. yeah OK I'll try, how do you do it?"
Frank and Mikey showed me how to use the controller and set me up to play a game of tennis against Robbie. Dad and Cassie were sat on the couch watching and Ray was nowhere to be seen.
I lost spectacularly every round until I gave up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Dad followed me, needing more coffee.
"Don't worry about it, I'm crap at that thing too," he said with a smile. I smiled too and passed him a mug from the cupboard, completely forgetting about what I had done to my arm as I extended it towards him, only realizing when it was too late. His eyes widened as he saw my wrist and hand and he looked up at me. Blue met Blue and the look on his face said it all.