One Man Drinking Games

Hours passed while I was waiting. Her parents had arrived, but they were in a separate waiting room so they could be by themselves. It's not that they didn't like me, it was just that her mother was beyond hysterical.

Luckily, Alex was waiting with me. I had called him after her parents came. He knew I didn't want to talk. He could tell that I just needed him there for support. Jake, Brooks, and Jeremy were probably sleeping. They weren't that good of friends with Jessie where I would call them right away. Alex was though. He was like her brother. They shared everything with each other.

I sighed out of pure exhaustion. I'm sure I looked like a mess. I couldn't sit. I needed to be in motion for the whole time. I paced for hours. It was around three in the morning when the doctor came into the waiting room I was in. Alex and I immediately stood.

"So?" Alex asked crossing his arms looking anxious.

"I'm sorry, boy. We couldn't save her," he said holding his hands together. He couldn't even meet my eyes. Alex reached out to grab me, but I was already falling back into my chair. My vision became blurry and my breathing became irregular. His voice echoed in my head.

"Goddamit!" I yelled clenching my fists and bringing my knees to my forehead. "Oh god. Oh, god."

"I'm sorry, man," Alex said wiping a few tears of his own away. What else was there to say?

Looking back on it, I appreciated his being there, but at the time, I just wanted to be alone. Nothing in the world can prepare you to lose the person you love the most. Nothing. In a snap of the fingers I had lost all will to live. I was a broken man. My entire body went limp and I heard something metal hit the ground.

It was Jessie's ring, now, the only thing I had left of her. I picked it up off the linoleum and put it on the chain I had around my neck. It already had a stupid pendant on it, a two circles that intertwined, so I took the piece off and put it in my pocket. In replacement, I slid Jessie's ring on the chain. It fell directly over my heart and vowed never to take it off. She'll be my guardian angel.

...As I take this piece of you with me I'll carry to my grave knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save.

Never in my life had I been without Jessie for more than a few hours. My entire body ached knowing that she was gone from me. Forever. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be with Jessie. I promised I'd never leave her. I swore.

If you go down, I go with you.

"We have to get out of here," Alex finally told me. I had calmed down a little bit more by this point. My tears were no longer falling and I was just staring at the ground, slumped in the chair.

I didn't say anything, but I rose to my feet and walked with him out of the hospital and into his car. The car ride there was silent.

"You want me to come in?" Alex asked as he pulled up to my house.

"No, it's fine," I said getting out.

"Alright, well, um, I'll tell the other guys practice is canceled for the next... for a while," he said awkwardly.

"Thanks. For everything, really. It means a lot," I sighed.

"Of course. Call me if you need anything," he said putting his car in reverse and backing out of my driveway.

I walked into my house and turned on the light. Everything was in it's place, but nothing seemed right. I was at a loss of words, emotion, and feeling. What was I supposed to do? I had no idea, but my strength was failing. I literally felt like my feet were ten thousand pounds each as I dragged myself into my bedroom. I stumbled into a corner and my knees gave out. I sunk to the floor and I broke into an outburst. I screamed on the top of my lungs for ten seconds straight. When I stopped, my breathing was heavy and tears had found their way down my cheeks again. Everything seemed to lack color. My world became black and white. And with that, I cried until my tears stopped.

Keep breathing, just keep breathing.

I woke up the next morning still in that corner. My parents were moving about downstairs. I sighed and wiped the sleep from my eyes. I stood up and walked down the stairs to greet them. My mother was the first who saw me. Apparently she had already known about Jessie.

"Oh, Derek," she said rushing up to hug me. She cried into my shoulder and told me that everything would be alright, but I didn't believe her. My dad stood back and just stared at the ground. He wasn't an emotional person at all. He just patted my back and said, "I'm sorry, son."

I don't really remember much of what I did for the few days between her death and the funeral. I only recalled sleeping, eating, and thinking. My parents didn't even bother me about my choice not to go to college anymore. They didn't bother me at all. I didn't even want to see anyone, so it worked out. I just wanted to be by myself and think. Recall. Recollect. Remember.

Her funeral was a blur. Everything was in slow motion. I remember looking at her face for the last time vividly, though. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Her skin was more pale, but she looked pristine. Like she was made of glass. In her hand was a necklace that she had always worn. It was rather large, but it was framed perfectly by her collar bones. The silver reflected the lights on her casket. It was partially open. I hadn't known it was a locket. I reached out, without even thinking, to open it. On one side was a picture of her and I on our first day of kindergarten with gigantic smiles. On the other side was a picture of us from a few weeks ago. I placed the locket back inside her hand and fell to my knees and sobbed. In front of everyone. The entire funeral party became silent as I cried for Jessie.

It was Alex who lifted me off the ground and walked with me down the street. What was an aimless walk, turned into a much needed stop at a bar. Galley Alley, which also was a bowling alley.

"Are you sure, man?" he asked following me in. I just nodded.

"I need to talk to you," I said.

"Alright," Alex said taking a seat at the bar. He held up two fingers and said, "Two shots of tequila."

"I want to talk about her," I said. At first Alex looked apprehensive, but he realized that I was serious and opened his mouth to speak.

"Remember when I first met you in grade school?" Alex said. "And she told me that she was engaged to you? And that I couldn't be friends with you if I wasn't friends with her?"

"Yeah," I said smiling for the first time in what seemed like years. "She was really protective of me. And I was the same with her. Do you remember her first crush. On Jake?"

"Oh, god. I don't think ANYone could forget that," Alex said laughing. We went on like that for a few minutes before the bartender came back over to deliver our drinks.

Let's drink to memories we shared.

"Ready?" Alex asked me placing his hand around a shot and lifting it up towards me.

"Yeah. For all the love and hope we had for Jessie. God, I miss her," I said looking up at the ceiling. I thew the shot back and enjoyed the burning sensation in my throat following.

Down one to all the hopes and cares.

"Give us another round," Alex shouted. The bartender obliged and slid two more shots of tequila over to where we were sitting.

"Alright, your turn," I said.

"For you, because you need to realize that she's still with you in your heart," he said. I threw the second one back but I didn't agree with him.

"She's gone," I said afterwards.

"You'll realize it later. Not now, of course. But later," he said knowingly. I was skeptical, but he might be right. In retrospect, he was.

Here's two for being unaware that you're gone.

We walked back to the ceremony after we paid for our liquor. Everyone was getting into their cars to process over to the cemetery. When we arrived five minutes later, we all walked out to the place her grave would be. A mound of fresh dirt was next to a hole six feet deep. They placed her casket over it ready for lowering. Her mother said a few words that I couldn't tell you if my life depended on it.

"If you would all remove your hats, we are about to close the casket," a minister said.

I breathed in sharply. My mom placed her hand on my shoulder. I memorized every detail of her face in those few seconds. I needed to. I could describe it to you in detail unknown. As they clamped it shut, I realized that I wouldn't be able to see her again.

Because before too long you'll be a memory.

Four months later, I realized something much more about myself. I came to realize that Jessie will never be out of my life. I see her everyday. Whether it's in the warm sunlight waking me up in the morning, or an extra bright star in the night sky, I see her. She's the strength in my life. I think about her constantly. I don't think I'll love anyone in the same way I loved her ever, but I know she wouldn't want me to live the rest of my life mourning.

I almost ruined every relationship I valued because of my months of self-pity and sorrow. It's hard to deal, but life moves on.

"Derek, are you up for this tour?" Jeremy asked me with caution. I had turned down every single show since her death. But with a new outlook and perspective, I agreed.

"Yeah, I'm ready to get back on the road," I said nodding.

"Really?" he asked looking surprised.

"Yeah, Cab. I'm finally ready," I said. (Authors Note: I know I said 'Jeremy' and then 'Cab'. Jeremy's nickname is Cabbage. And sometimes they shorten it to Cab.)

"You're a different man, Derek," he said looking at me curiously. "I'm glad you're back."

"Me too," I said as he walked away to tell the rest of the band. "Me too."