Tell Me, What's Real?

My breath caught in my throat and I closed my eyes, willing my ears to diminish the sound of breathing that filled them. But they didn’t. The soft, barely audible breaths still came, followed by a soft giggle.

"Izzy? What are you doing?" she laughed, and I felt goose bumps rise on my bare flesh. My breathing began to escalate and I brought down my fingers and pinched myself in the side, only succeeding in sending a tingle of pain throughout my body. I didn’t want to open my eyes in fear that she would disappear, or in fear that I was crazy. My body shook slightly and I felt her hand touch my arm, my body warming at her touch. The feel of her hand only deepened my feelings of uncertainty, images of the night before flooding my mind as well as intense feelings of doubt, and I began to wonder whether the night before had been real. It had felt real. I could feel my eyes still burning from where the tears had fallen, but I didn’t know anymore.

I slowly opened my eyes, staring unblinkingly into her blue ones, the dash of gold bringing back all too familiar feelings. She laughed, the laugh making it to her eyes so that they were shining as they looked at me. "What’s up with you?" she asked, followed by a soft giggle.

In a split moment I dived on her, wrapping my pale arms around her and pulling her flush against my body. She let out a surprised giggle and I felt myself smile against her, my feelings of emptiness and depression leaving me completely, only to be replaced by joy. I didn’t care if it had been a dream, all I knew was that what I had felt the night before had been too real and I never wanted to feel that way again.

I felt tears springing into my eyes but I forced them back, angry at myself for getting this upset over a dream. I took in a deep breath, my arms still around her, a small smile gracing my lips. I let go and smiled at her, and I noticed she was smiling back. My smile turned into a grin and I jumped off the bed, turning around to look at her. "What are we going to do today? Are you going to see Casey? You know, I might come today. If you want. Casey’s not that bad. At least, I don’t think so. He’s actually pretty nice. You know what, I like him!" I rambled, and Leslie opened her mouth slightly before closing it again. My stomach grumbled really loudly and I laughed, my cheeks flushing red slightly. "I’m going to have breakfast, you coming?"

"Actually, Izzy, the-"

"Race you!" I shouted, ignoring her as I sprinted out of the room, a large smile on my face. I didn’t care if I was being childish, the feelings of joy and happiness bubbling up inside me was becoming too much for me to push down. I rounded the corner, laughing slightly as I looked behind me, seeing Leslie a while behind me. I ran into the kitchen where mum was seated, and I let out a giggle as I dived into the seat beside her. "Hey mum!" I exclaimed, waiting for her to look at me.

When she did, I was confused. There were bags under her eyes as if she hadn’t slept at all last night, her eyes red and blotchy from tears and her wrinkles more prominent. Her eyes were dull and lifeless, and as she looked at me a frown appeared on her face, and I was shocked to see the she looked slightly angry. I opened my mouth to say something but quickly closed it again, the smile disappearing from my face. Mum let out a sigh, running her fingers through her tangled hair. "What’s wrong mum?" I asked softly, glancing over to the corner of the room where Leslie was standing with a solemn look on her face.

Mum scoffed, her eyes brimming with tears as she shook her head at me in disbelief. "What’s wrong? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me Isabelle!"

My mouth opened in shock; my mum never swore.

"How dare you come down here all happy!" she said, her words becoming softer as they broke with her sobs. "I l-lost a child last n-night, and you lost a s-sister! Don’t ask me what’s wr-wrong!"

She buried her face in her hands, sobbing softly. My mouth was open in shock, and I glanced back over to where Leslie was standing with a somber expression on her face. "But Mum, Le-"

Mum sobbed harder and stood up, shaking her head at me. Without a word she left the room, the only thing she left behind being the loud sobs that rocked her body.

I reached down my hand and pinched myself in the side, the sharp bolt of pain doing nothing to awaken my body from its stupor. It was then it dawned on me, and my world came crashing down. She was dead. She was gone. And I, well, what was wrong with me? Was I going crazy? Was I so crazy that I could see her, that I could feel her, that I could still hear everything she said? The tears came back into my eyes, and this time I did nothing to stop them. Leslie took a step forwards, the sad expression never leaving her features. I shivered as I felt her arms wrap around me, my body too numb with shock to react. She pulled me against her and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, smiling a grim smile.

It was then I ran. I pulled myself away from her body and ran, my mind collapsing inside me. My heart was beating like crazy as I ran out into the pouring rain, sprinting down the streets as if my life depended on it. I didn’t want to look back. I was too scared to face reality, to face what was happening to me. I was crazy. I was hallucinating, I was seeing, feeling and hearing things I shouldn’t. My mind refused to process reality, refusing to acknowledge that she was actually dead.

My bare feet padded across the wet concrete, my breathing ragged as I ran with all my might. I didn’t know where I was going; all I knew was that I had to get away. It was as if by running this far I would be able to escape the truth, that I would be able to reach a place where I could feel nothing, where it was all gone. Where I didn’t have to think. Where I didn’t have to accept the fact that she was gone, and that I was going crazy without her there.

My legs collapsed from underneath me and I curled myself into a ball on the ground, relishing the icy rain as it drowned my hair and my body. I pulled myself up onto the sidewalk and sat, my vision blurry as I stared blankly ahead of me. I felt someone sit beside me, and I took in a shaky breath. She placed her arm around my shoulder and I flinched, feeling the tears beginning to form in my eyes. "You’re not real," I whispered, refusing to glance at her. I laughed bitterly, shaking my head. "I’m going crazy."

She pulled me tighter against her body and I found myself relishing this, no matter whether it was real or not. I found myself thinking that I didn’t care if she was real, if I was crazy, just as long as I would have a part of her with me. Maybe it was ok. Maybe as long as we were together, it was ok.

She leaned her head on my shoulder and I placed mine against hers, ignoring the nagging feeling that told me to accept her death. "You’re really gone," I breathed, and I felt her hand squeeze my arm. "You’re not really there."

I heard footsteps coming closer and I glanced down at the floor, embarrassed to be seen like this. What would they think of me? A teenage girl in her pajamas, sitting in the rain all alone, talking to someone that wasn’t there? God, I was nuts.

The footsteps stopped in front of me and I saw the outline of some black converses, but I refused to look up. "Hey," came the voice from in front of me, and I forced myself to peer up through my wet hair.

It was a boy, about my age, dressed in all black, his black hair patted down against his face with the rain. His eyes were bright blue and they looked down on me with concern, and I noticed how truly tall he was. "I’m Jimmy," he said, smiling slightly.

I nodded at him before looking down, willing him with my mind to go away. But he didn’t. He continued to stand there for a few minutes before he took a seat beside me, his long legs scrunching up in front of him, leaving him in a very uncomfortable-looking position. "You and your sister look very alike," he said softly, tracing patterns in the ground with his finger.

My mind froze, and I scrunched my eyes up in shock. "What?" I breathed, my voice coming out hoarse and croaky as I turned to look at him, my blue eyes meeting his.

"You and your sister? You can’t tell me you don’t get that often, because really, I’d find that hard to believe. I mean, you’ve got to be identical or something, right?" he said, frowning slightly as if he was confused.

My heart rate sped up and I looked beside me to see Leslie looking at him with just as much confusion as I had been. My eyes shot back at him, my mind swarming with thoughts. "Wait, you see her too?" I asked, my eyes widened in shock.

Jimmy frowned, looking at me as if I was crazy. "Uh, yeah?" He stopped to glance beside me, staring straight at where Leslie was sitting. "Wait, are you blind or something?"

I opened my mouth to speak but I was cut off by Leslie’s voice. "You can see me?" she said incredulously, ignoring my gaping mouth.

Jimmy frowned slightly, his bottom lip sticking out slightly in confusion. Suddenly, realization dawned on his face and he groaned, rubbing his hand over his face. "Not this again," he mumbled, shaking his head softly. "You’re dead, aren’t you?" Jimmy asked slowly, looking straight at Leslie.

My breath caught in my throat as she nodded, my eyes widening in shock. "What the hell is going on?" I mumbled to myself, wrapping my arms around my body. I looked up at Jimmy, before an idea popped into my head. "Wait, you’re not real either, are you?"

Jimmy laughed, his masculine chuckle vibrating across the cool morning air. He leaned forwards and placed his hand on mine, sending feelings of warmth through my body. He then lifted them up so that they were both placed on his chest, where I could feel the thumping of his heartbeat with my hand. "Seem pretty real, don’t I?" he asked, chuckling softly at the end.

I could do nothing but nod, before warmth flooded my cheeks as I looked down at our connected hands. Leslie giggled beside me and I wrenched my hand away, folding it with the other in my lap. I bit my lip, glancing up through my bangs to see Jimmy looking at me intently. My blush rose again and I trained my eyes on my feet, wiggling them softly to distract myself.

"What’s your name?" he asked quietly, and I flinched as he reached out to wipe the hair that was in front of my face behind my ear. I looked up at him, my blue eyes meeting his briefly before I looked back down.

"Isabelle," I mumbled, fiddling with my hands in my lap.

"Call her Izzy," Leslie added in from beside me, pulling my hands out of my lap and connecting them with hers. She had always hated it when I fiddled, telling me that it made me seem shy and nervous. My response? I was shy and nervous.

I looked up, suddenly feeling slightly angry and annoyed at the situation I was in. "Am I the only one that has no idea what the fuck is going on here?" I asked angrily, glaring at both of them.

Jimmy chuckled, shaking his head so that his wet hair swept across his face. I glared harder, my eyes turning an icy blue. "What the hell are you laughing at?" I spat, pulling my hand away from Leslie’s grasp and crossing them upon my chest.

Jimmy raised his hands in mock surrender, widening his eyes. "There’s more to you than I originally thought, Izzy," he said, smirking slightly.

I felt a blush rising on my cheeks but I held his gaze, although my heart was thumping like a drum in my chest. "Can you answer my question?" I said coldly, raising my eyebrow.

Jimmy smirked, shaking his head as his soft laughter sounded out into the silence. "Your sister’s dead, Izzy," he said softly, his playful gaze turning serious.

My heart sped up and I felt a dawning feeling washing over me, causing me to look over my shoulder just to make sure she was still there. And she was. Her face was solemn, staring at me with sympathy and regret. "Then why can I see her?" I breathed, looking at the ground. "Why can you see her?"

I could feel the tears coming back into my eyes and I felt Leslie grab my hand, pulling it onto her lap. Jimmy sighed, and I could hear him shuffle in his seat. ‘She’s dead’ he started, looking into my eyes to gauge my reaction. "But she’s still there. When people die, their souls leave the earth, while their bodies remain here. There are three exceptions to this, however, which cause the soul to stay down on earth."

He paused, as if coming up with a way to continue. "What are they?" I asked quietly, and I felt Leslie squeeze my hand.

Jimmy sighed again, lifting his hand up to run through his shaggy wet hair. "Well, for one, if the person has some unfinished business, or if they have to be there for someone or something in particular, which ties them down to the earth." He stopped, biting his lip, his blue eyes looking up into the clouded sky.

"The second way is if they simply need to stay. If there’s something they have to do, even if they don’t know it. And they can only leave once they’ve done it."

I took in a deep breath, taking in the information. "And the last exception?" I murmured, glancing up into his bright blue eyes.

He smiled softly, pushing his wet hair out of his face with his fingers. "If someone down on earth is unwilling to let go. If there’s someone that’s still alive that needs them, and can’t accept the fact that they’re gone. That makes them stay here until the person is willing to let go."