Tell Me, What's Real?

The rain that drizzled down my face did nothing to quake the flow of thoughts that were racing through my head. My blue eyes were opened wide, my heart beating erratically in my chest as I tried to embrace the words that they had just told me. "That’s why you’re here," I said quietly, my long hair creating a barrier between my exposed emotions and the outside world. Leslie lifted her hand up and pulled my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear. I bit my lip and turned to look at her, and I saw the deep sympathy and regret that hid in her eyes. "I can’t let go."

Leslie gave me a grim smile and nodded, before placing her icy cold hand on mine comfortingly. Even though her hand felt like death, it still managed to relax my thoughts and the beating of my heart. "Then I’m never going to let go. Then you can be with me forever. I don’t care how crazy I am, Les, I just, I need you so much…" I trailed off, feeling tears beginning to form in my eyes.

I felt a tickle as a stray tear began to fall down my face, and to my surprise, it was Jimmy who reached up and wiped it away. His finger lingered on my cheek and I turned my head to look at him, my eyes dull and lifeless. He gave me a smile before he pulled his hand away, and furrowing his eyebrows slightly, he brought the finger up to his lips. I stared wide-eyed at him as he licked his finger, making a dramatic act of tasting it. "Salty," he said distastefully, scrunching his nose up slightly in such a way that I couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped my lips, however muffled it sounded from my tears.

I felt an arm being placed around my shoulder and I allowed myself to be pulled into my sister’s side, where I knew I would fit perfectly. She lifted her hand up and stroked my hair, just like she used to do when we were young, on my birthday every year when my dad never called. She had always been the strong one. I don’t think it had ever been me comforting her; it was always the other way around. It had never before ceased to comfort me, but now, all I could think of was the fact that soon, there would be no one to stroke my hair, no one to comfort me when I was sad. And that just made the tears fall harder and faster, until I couldn’t stop the sobs that escaped my throat.

Leslie placed a kiss on my head and I nuzzled myself into her shoulder, relishing the feeling as she pulled me closer. "You won’t need me forever."

I opened my mouth to protest but she shook her head, cutting me off. "Izzy, I know right now this all seems impossible, but believe me when I say that no matter what, I’ll never be gone. I know that sounds cliché but it’s the truth, and really, there’s going to come a time when I’ll be gone, but you’ll be ok. I know you, Izzy, more than anyone. You’re strong, even if you say you’re not, and you can make it through anything."

I let out a sob, burying my head deeper into her chest. "I’m not strong. I’m not, I’m weak. I need you Leslie, without you, I-I don’t have anyone," I sobbed, clenching onto her shirt with my fists. She pulled my body away from hers so that her blue eyes were staring into mine, and it was then I noticed that she had tears in her eyes too.

"You’re beautiful Izzy, you really are. You could have anyone you want. And you will find someone else, someone that will listen to everything you say, someone that will hold you when you’re sad, hell, even someone that will finish your sentences for you. Just because my life is over, doesn’t mean you can’t live yours."

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to stop myself from letting out a sob. I felt another hand being placed over mine, a larger one, and I turned to look at Jimmy, who was staring at me sincerely. He patted my hand, giving me a soft smile, before a grin lit up his face, his eyes lighting up with realization. He pulled his hand away and dug it into his back pocket, while I stared at him, unsure as to what he was doing. He pulled his hand out and handed me a crinkled piece of paper, and I stared down at it with an uncertain face, while he looked at me with a grin. I reached my hand down and opened it up, the corners of my mouth twitching up when I saw what it was.

"A coupon for a free ice-cream," I read quietly, my voice slightly husky from crying. I looked up at him and smiled, before blushing slightly and looking down.

"Ice-cream always manages to make me happy," he said simply, shrugging his lanky shoulders.

I smiled, sniffling a bit, before I said a soft "Thank you."

It was silent for a few moments, before I decided to be brave and speak up. "Do you always carry coupons for free ice-creams in your pocket?" I teased quietly, glancing up at him through the barrier my hair had created.

Jimmy smiled, seeming pleased that I was talking to him, and shrugged again. "Of course. Just in case I see any pretty girls," he said, winking at me.

I blushed deeply and averted my gaze to the floor, my heart beating erratically in my chest. I heard Leslie chuckle beside me, and I bit my lip, balling my hand into a fist and punching her on the arm. "Ouch! Bitch!" she growled playfully, nudging her shoulder into mine.

I sniffled again, smiling softly as a tear ran down my cheek. Leslie frowned, reaching up to wipe the tear away, rubbing her thumb over my cheek. "Don’t cry, Izzy. Please don’t cry. When you cry, it makes me sad too," she murmured, pulling my head onto her shoulder and tangling her fingers through my hair.

I allowed my tears to fall silently, relishing the feeling of being in her arms. Because deep down, as much as I hated to admit it, I was going to have to say goodbye.

It must have been hours that we sat there, the rain eventually clearing, the sun shining down upon us warmly, awakening us from our thoughts. But Jimmy never left. He sat by my side wordlessly, the only interaction he made with me being to wipe away the tears that fell down my cheeks. Each time his fingers touched my face I would blush, but he never seemed to notice.

It was about two in the afternoon when I realized how long I had been out, and how worried my mum must have been. I reluctantly lifted my head off Leslie’s shoulder, tucking my hair behind my ears. "I have to go," I said quietly, licking my lips. "I didn’t tell mum where we were going. I mean, where I was going, I added sadly, lowering my eyes to the ground.

Leslie grabbed my hand and stood up, pulling me with her. Jimmy stood up beside us, wiping the invisible dust off his jeans. She kept her hand entangled with mine as we began our walk, Jimmy walking solemnly beside us. I didn’t know what would happen once I got home. Although I didn’t want to admit it, Jimmy’s company gave me a sense of comfort that I couldn’t fathom. And I didn’t want it to end.

It was only a few minutes later that I noticed that we were no longer being followed by our new lanky companion. I glanced behind me, looking in all directions, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. I couldn’t help that rush of sadness that ran through me, and I bit the inside of my cheek softly. "Did you see Jimmy leave?" I asked Leslie, turning my face so that I was looking at her.

Leslie looked around, a frown on her face. "No, I didn’t. I wanted to thank him for everything too, but I guess that will have to wait."

I nodded wordlessly, averting my gaze back to the ground. It was silent for a few moments before Leslie broke through my thoughts. "Why, do you like him?" she teased playfully, bumping her shoulder against mine.

I blushed a deep red and looked up, shaking my head rapidly. "No! Leslie, how could you think that! I just met him!" I frowned, seeing that the secretive smile on her face never wavered. "I just wanted to thank him too."

Leslie nodded, humming quietly, and I punched her on the arm with my spare hand. She grinned at me, shaking her head. "I’m just teasing you Izzy. Relax. Hang loose. Breathe easy. Chill out. Lay back."

I groaned, rolling my eyes. We came up outside my house and I stopped, pulling Leslie beside me. "What if she’s still angry at me?" I said quietly, looking at the ground. Leslie placed her hand under my chin, pulling it up so that my eyes met hers.

"Then let her be. She’s still mourning too."

I bit my lip and nodded, feeling my mood drop as her words reminded me of the situation I was in. She dropped her hand and pulled me towards the door before stopping, waiting for me to open it. I licked my lips and twisted the knob, pushing it open.

I walked inside, looking around carefully for any signs of my mum. "Mum?" I called timidly, and I heard the rushing of footsteps coming towards me.

Mum appeared in front of me, and I frowned noticing the red bags under her eyes, and the tear stains on her cheeks. "Oh sweetie, have you been crying?" She cooed, rushing forward and pulling me into her arms. She held me tightly, and I could feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes at the comfort it brought me. She rubbed her hand up and down my back, and I allowed the tears to fall down my cheek and onto her shoulder. "It’s ok, Isabelle," she murmured, her voice husky from her tears. "We’re going to make it through this. We still have each other."

She placed a kiss on my head and I let out a loud sob, allowing myself to succumb to the pain I was feeling. She squeezed me tighter, murmuring soft words of comfort in my ear. I felt another pair of arms wrap around me and I glanced up through my tears to see Leslie standing behind mum, her arms wrapped around her from behind, her head buried deep within her back. I heard her sobs and my heart panged, having never seen my sister so upset.

"Mummy," she cried, and I felt my tears fall faster. "Mummy, I miss you."

But mum didn’t answer. She couldn’t answer. And with that knowledge, Leslie began to cry harder.

It was then that I noticed, looking at the tangled mess of my sister, that her tears were falling, but they never once hit the ground. They just vanished into nothing, leaving any clues of her current existence unrecognized to anyone else but me.

"Leslie," I whispered, turning onto my side. She looked up, her tired eyes staring into mine. "Do you, do you miss him?" I asked quietly, biting my lip.

"Casey?" she enquired softly, wiping her hair from her face. I nodded and she let out a sigh, her eyes fluttering to a close, and when they opened, I noticed that they seemed empty. "Of course I do. A lot. But he’s not gone. And I’ll be with him soon," she said quietly, before smiling at me sadly.

I shook my head, refusing to accept what she was saying. "No. You’re not going to leave me."

Leslie smiled grimly and placed her hand on my face, caressing my cheek. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from escaping my eyes. "You’re going to have to let go. He’s waiting for me Izzy, I know he is," she whispered, running her thumb over my eyelids, and I allowed them to open.

"But I need you. I need you more." I sobbed quietly, my lower lip trembling as I tried to hold in my cries.

"He needs me too," she murmured, wiping away my tears with her thumb.

"I want you to stay though. I want you to stay with me forever."

Leslie shook her head, pulling me in to her body. She wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me close, running her fingers through my hair. "I want to stay too. But he needs me, Izzy. And you’re going to have to be the one who lets go."