Tell Me, What's Real?

I dreamt of him that night. Jimmy, that is.

It wasn’t your usual romantic dream, where the boy admits his undying love for you, and then you kiss and ride away on the fairytale horse (which just happens to be there) and into the sunset. No, it was quite different.

It wasn’t at all romantic. Well, I didn’t think it was. It was more of a nightmare, something I couldn’t get out of myself, something that woke me up in a cold sweat the next morning. Something that left me shaking.

I dreamt I was falling, but not at a quick speed. It was slow, almost as if by grabbing onto something I would be able to stop myself, except that every time I reached out to grab something my hand went right through it.

As I was falling, I watched images of my life flash past; images of me and my sister, images of my mum, even images of Casey. At first they were all happy, and I couldn’t help but smile as I fell past them, feeling my heart warm at the sight.

But then suddenly, the atmosphere changed. The whole world became dark, pitch black, save for the specks of light that were above me, appearing miles away. I tried to grab out at something but I fell right through them, and when I let out a scream it echoed across the night. The air was cold, biting against my skin, and I could feel the tickle of cobwebs and bugs crawling all over my body, making my body become rigid in fear. I began to fall faster, my screams disappearing as I fell further and further down, in what appeared to be a bottomless pit of misery.

Images started to flash past, my eyes barely having time to look at them as I fell. I saw my mum crying, the way she had been when Leslie died. I saw Leslie, collapsed on the floor, as she had been after the popular girls at school attacked us.

But then I began to see things that had never happened, things that I couldn’t remember ever having occurred. I saw my body, bruised and broken on the floor, my mum and Leslie beside it with tears on their face. I saw myself as a ghost, holding on to my family as Leslie had to my mum yesterday, with them unable to see me. I began to panic, my breathing becoming faster and my heart speeding up in my chest, and I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. All I could remember feeling was that they had to see me, that I had to say goodbye. I hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye to them.

The dream became too real. It didn’t feel like a dream any more, my whole mind and being believed it to be true. My falling became faster, the images flashing more rapidly in front of my eyes as I clawed at the edges to stop myself. I wanted to grab on to the images of my mother, onto the images of Leslie, just to say goodbye. I remember knowing that it was the end, that my time was up. The images of Leslie and my mother were getting further away, and when I opened my mouth to scream out that I loved them, nothing came out.

I couldn’t even cry. My eyes felt like they were burning from the need to release the salty water that was drowning my body. The darkness seemed to eat me, as if it was swallowing me whole. I didn’t know where it ended, but I knew that wherever it was, it was the end for me.

But then it stopped. The images, the falling, it all stopped. Only the darkness remained, and the feeling of dread and loneliness that drowned my body. I stood up, and as I did it seemed like the area grew larger in size, the darkness swallowing me whole. The tears finally leaked at the feelings that rushed through my body, and once they began, they did not stop.

Then a light appeared. Just a small light, at the top of the tunnel, where I had fallen. The light came towards me, and I began to feel hopeful, my mind thinking that maybe I would escape. But just before it was able to reach me, it stopped. I jumped as high as I could, my arms reaching out for the edge, trying to grab onto it and pull me up. But there was nothing to hold on to, and the light was out of reach.

It was then that Leslie appeared inside the light, as if she was peering down at my body. I opened my mouth, expecting no sound to come out but it did, my scream echoing through the darkness. Leslie’s eyes snapped to mine, and for a second I felt relief at the fact that she could see me, that it wasn’t the end and that she could get me out. "Leslie!" I called, stretching my arm up. "Help me out!"

Leslie smiled at me, and I found myself smiling back, forgetting the darkness and the fear that surrounded me. "You have to let go, Izzy," she said loudly, still smiling at me. "Let go."

I frowned, reaching my hand up. "Let go? No, you need to help me out! Just reach down an-"

"Let go," she repeated, smiling at me. And then her face disappeared, leaving just me and the darkness.

"Leslie!" I screamed, desperate to see her again. "Leslie! Help me! Let go of what? Help!"

She didn’t return. And I remember feeling betrayed and deserted, and the tears didn’t seem to stop falling from my eyes. The darkness was terrifying, almost as terrifying as the thought of being alone there, forever.

But then he appeared. His tall, defined face came into view above me, his black hair covering his face as his blue eyes stared down at me in worry. And before I knew it there was a hand reached out in front of me, a large, pale hand, the same as the one that had wiped my tears away the day before. And as I locked my hand with his, I remember feeling safe a protected, and most of all, the loneliness disappeared.

It was at that point that I woke up. I was sweating and my cheeks were stained from my tears, my chest rising and falling with each escalated breath, my hands clenched in fists at my sides. My eyes took a while to adjust to the light, still coming to grips with the fact that the darkness no longer swallowed me.

I rolled over and looked behind me, worry filling me at the sight of the empty bed, and in a panic I shot up, the sheets falling around me. I calmed down slightly when I saw a note sitting on the bed, where Leslie usually slept.

My darling Izzy,
I’m sorry I’m not here this morning, but I had to leave early. I promised Casey I would watch over his family, and make sure they were ok. I know you want me to be with you, and I want that too, but I have to do this. I’ll be back before you know it, babe!
With all the love in the world,
Leslie <3

I felt myself smile, and I carefully picked up the letter and put it inside my draw, where mum wouldn’t see it. I let out a yawn and rang my fingers through my tangled hair, wiping my sweaty brow.

A bang sounded, snapping me from my daze, and my eyes widened as I looked around the room. I didn’t know where it had come from, so I stepped out of my bed, looking around my room.

Bang. It sounded again, and a frown formed on my face. Bang, another one, and it was then that I saw the small rock hitting my window. Furrowing my eyebrows, I walked over to the window, opening it up.

The wind blew through my hair, nipping at my skin as I leaned out, looking towards the ground.

It was Jimmy, and I couldn’t help the rush of security that ran through me at the sight of him. I blushed, pushing my hair behind my ears, feeling timid under his excited gaze. "What are you doing?" I asked quietly, biting my lip.

Jimmy grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I was teaching those rocks how to fly. They don’t seem to be getting the hang of it’."

I laughed quietly, before blushing deeply when I realized what I’d done. "W-why are you here?" I called out, glancing behind me to make sure my mum wasn’t listening.

Jimmy shrugged, kicking the rocks at his feet with his shoe. "You want to do something today? I’ve got nothing to do, and the rest of the rocks aren’t as daring as those three."

I smiled and bit my lip, before I slowly nodded, my cheeks flushed red. "I-I’ll be down in a m-minute," I said, and as soon as I saw his nod I pulled my head inside, shutting the window. I raced into the bathroom and washed my face, before pulling my hair back into a pony tail. I grabbed a random pair of clothes off my floor and threw them on, before grabbing my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. I went to walk out of the door before I stopped, frowning slightly.

What was I doing? I had never had any friends before, besides Leslie. Was Jimmy considered my friend? I had only seen him once, and yet, he had already seen me at my worst; my weakest moment.

I couldn’t help but feel scared, but the feeling of excitement that surrounded me in Jimmy’s presence overrode that fear, until I was left wondering why the hell I couldn’t go. And the memory of the dream just made me feel so safe and secure, that I knew I didn’t have to be afraid. Jimmy would pull me out, I knew that. I could trust him.

Taking in a deep breath, I opened the door and hopped down the stairs quietly, hoping not to wake my mum. I opened the door and stepped out into the cool air, which danced across my face and swept my fringe in front of my eyes. I reached up and tucked a strand away before I walked down the pathway, towards the tall boy who was waiting for me with a smile on his face.

I stopped beside him with a shy smile, looking down at the ground. I let out a squeak when I was picked up in a hug, his long arms wrapped around me tightly, as if he was squeezing the life out of me. I awkwardly wrapped my arms back around him, patting his back slightly, embarrassment covering my face.

He squeezed me tightly once more before dropping me on the ground, and when I pulled away I saw he had a goofy grin on his face. He bowed dramatically, and I couldn’t help but smile as he came back up, his hand wrapped under his chest. "Miss Isabelle, it is an honor to be in your presence once more," he said loudly, in a faux-british accent that forced a giggle to escape my lips.

"It’s nice to see you again too, Jimmy," I said quietly, looking down at the ground. Even with my eyes on the ground I could see the grin that lit up his face, his blue eyes sparkling with joy.

We began walking silently, side by side, a safe distance between us that I had set. Jimmy seemed to know not to push my comfort zone, and for that I was thankful. I frowned as I remembered something, and I glanced up through my hood, my eyebrows furrowed slightly. "How did you know where I lived?" I asked him quietly, nibbling on my lower lip.

It made me nervous being the one to break the silence, but he seemed to be thankful for it from the way he smiled at me. "I’ve lived here my whole life. I’ve seen you before, I’ve just never actually talked to you. I knew where you lived. Believe it or not, pretty much everyone knows about the twins around here," he explained, digging his hands into his pockets.

"So you’re basically a bit of a stalker?" I teased lightly without realising it, before a blush filled my face and I darted my eyes to the ground, feeling humiliated. "I’m so-"

I was cut off by his chuckle, the sound of it making goose bumps rise on my skin. "You should be flattered, Izzy," he teased back, nudging my side with his bony shoulder.

I bit my lip and smiled, glancing back up at him, before looking back down at my feet. I didn’t understand why I was so comfortable with him, when Casey had scared me so much. But something told me not to be afraid. That Jimmy was safe.

I found myself breaking the silence again. "Where did you go yesterday? I mean, you just disappeared. I didn’t see you go."

Jimmy frowned lightly, before his eyes glanced down and met mine. I immediately shrank away, looking back at the ground. "You and Leslie were sort of having a bonding moment, so when we passed my house I just went inside. I figured I’d come see you today, anyway, so I wouldn’t really need a goodbye."

I nodded, feeling better now that I knew that. We continued walking down the street in silence, although it wasn’t awkward at all. "Where are we going?" I finally asked, glancing up at him quickly.

Jimmy smiled at me, before looking back ahead of him. "To the park."