Tell Me, What's Real?

A bright ray of sunlight entered my eyes, awakening me from my slumber. My eyes fluttered open and I let out a groan, rolling onto my side and wrapping my arms tighter around my body.

A gush of gelid air swept over my body and I cursed, pulling the blankets up higher. A melodic laugh filled my ears and I allowed my eyes to open again, regaining their deep sparkle at the sight of my sister lying beside me, her previous unhappiness gone as if it had never occurred. "You have to get up some time, you know," she said quietly, tilting her head to the side so that strands of her blonde hair fell in front of her face.

I smiled softly, although deep down I knew that I was glad that she was better, and that she was still there beside me. To be honest I didn’t know how to cope with comforting her, when deep down all I wanted to do was scream for her to stay with me forever. I was selfish; I knew that, but she was and would always be mine, and I’d be damned if I’d sit back and let a part of me be taken away.

"Did you have fun with Jimmy yesterday?" she asked softly, her voice taking on a sly tone as a deep red hue filled my pale cheeks. She began to smirk as she saw this, her blue eyes sparkling deviously as she took in my embarrassed state.

I bit my lip, looking down and hiding my blushing face behind a blanket of hair. "Yeah," I murmured, not wanting to look up to see her taunting face. "We went to the park."

I left out the bit about my flashback, and the way he had held me as I cried in such a way that my heart felt whole for a short while. It wasn’t whole in the sense that I was in love, I was anything but that. But whole in the sense that I felt like I’d known him my whole life, that with him, I could learn to move on.

I left out the part about us dancing in the rain, and the way he’d held my hand. The memories felt like they were special to me, and that they were for Jimmy and I to share. I had never hidden anything from my sister before, but then again, I’d never had anything to hide. And I knew her reaction would be embarrassing if she learnt of the things we had shared, and the way I was opening up to him a little more each and every day. Hell, the thought scared me too, but it was as if I couldn’t help it, it was as if there was something about him that made me feel safe.

Her voice broke through my thoughts, and I glanced up. "Do you like him?" she asked quietly, and from her tone of voice I could tell she was no longer taunting me, but instead, my best interests where in her heart.

I nibbled on my lower lip and looked down, before nodding slowly. "I, I guess he’s ok," I murmured, blushing slightly.

I looked up to see her smiling, a smile that I hadn’t seen since Casey had been gone. She was smiling as if she was proud of me, as if it made her undeniably happy to see that I was opening up to someone, when all I’d ever done all my life was push people away. It was all I could do not to allow a large grin to form on my face, not to allow myself to throw my arms around her in a tight hug.

Instead, she beat me to it, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing me tightly against her body. "My baby’s growing up," she said emotionally, pulling away with a smile.

I frowned and leaned forward, punching her on the arm. "We’re the same age, idiot," I reminded her, giving her a little glare to show that I was not impressed.

She laughed and leaned forward to tap my nose, a large smile on her face. "No we’re not. Five minutes, remember? I beat you!" she teased, a smug smile on her face.

I frowned, rolling my eyes. "Yes, because at the age of 35 weeks I really knew that it was a race to see which one could make it through the hole first," I said sarcastically, and she poked her tongue out at me.

"I guess I was the smarter one then, too." She laughed, poking me in the side.

I was about to retort when a bang was heard, and we both shot our eyes towards the window. Another bang sounded, and I bit my lip, walking over to the window.

Opening it up, I almost laughed when I saw who was waiting below. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your golden hair!" he called dramatically, placing his hand over his heart.

"Is this going to become an everyday occurrence?" I asked, leaning my head out of the window so that the wind swept my hair away from my face.

Jimmy grinned and dug his hands in his pockets, raising his eyebrows at me. "If you want it to."

I blushed deeply as I heard Leslie’s laughter sound out from behind me, and I began to nibble on my lower lip nervously. "What do you want, Jimmy?" I asked shyly, looking down at him through the window.

"Company, maybe?" he said, sending me a goofy grin that forced a smile onto my lips.

I glanced back at Leslie, and she nodded at me, signaling for me to agree. "I guess," I said softly, looking at him through the errant strands of hair that clouded my face.

I didn’t want to admit to him how happy it made me that he hadn’t just left, like everything else seemed to in my life. I almost expected him to disappear, to leave me alone, and I almost felt as if that was what I deserved. But the same selfish part of me that wanted Leslie by my side wanted Jimmy to stay too, and it was that part of me that was filled with joy every time I realized that he liked me. That for once in my life, I had found someone I didn’t have to be afraid around, a friend that wasn’t my sister. And I could only hope with everything in me that he wouldn’t realize that I was actually boring, or find my shyness to be to his distaste. Because the selfish part of me wanted to hold on to him, just to keep someone by my side.

Realising that I was lost in my thoughts, I blushed and disappeared into my room, shutting the window behind me. I turned around to see Leslie smiling at me, her eyes once more sparkling with the same pride that they had held a few minutes ago. "We better get ready," I said, biting the inside of my cheek.

Leslie nodded, sending me a soft smile. "That we should, my friend."

It took us a total of ten minutes to get ready, and by then, I could tell that Jimmy was getting restless by the amount of rocks that hit my window. Eventually, Leslie had cracked it and wrenched the window open, and pouring a bucket of cold water over his head. It would be safe to say that he wasn’t happy, but it had made my day.

We walked down the stairs, trying to keep quiet in case mum was still in bed. Well, I guess it wouldn’t matter how much noise Leslie made, if I thought about it. That thought only brought the feeling of loneliness back, and once more I was longing to scream, as if by doing so I would be able to ensure that everything in my life remained stable, that my glass, my world, would remain attached in such a way that it could still be useable.

To my surprise, when I got to the bottom I saw mum sitting at the table, chewing softly on a bowl of Cornflakes. The bags that had inhabited her eyes remained, the sparkle long gone from her once vibrant blue eyes.

I guess in a way this loss meant more to her than it had to me, even though I had a stronger connection to Leslie. But she had lost dad, the love of her life, when we were little, and both Leslie and I were at ages where we didn’t know any different. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. Somehow, the second time around it seemed a lot harder to be ignorant.

Mum looked up when she heard me, and I sent her a soft, almost distant smile. "Hey," I murmured, suddenly feeling the longing to hug her and hold her and make everything go away. I could tell that Leslie felt that same way with the way tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, and she wrapped her arms tightly around her body.

Mum tried her best to smile, but it came out as a wobbly grimace. "Have you picked out something to wear?" she asked quietly, tucking her graying hair behind her ear.

I frowned at her, unsure as to what she was talking about. "For what?"

Mum sighed sadly, looking back down at the table in front of her. "It’s the funeral today, hon. You need to pick out something nice to wear."

In that second, the loneliness returned, bringing with it every sense of dread and insecurity I had ever felt. Everything became real, realer than I had ever felt, the thought of a funeral striking me along with the thought of having to say goodbye. It was then that I wondered why I had been the only one to hold on, to keep her spirit by my side. Were they at peace with her death? Or was I simply the weak one, the only one unwilling to let go?

I nodded slowly, the sparkle that had ignited my eyes disappearing as if it had been extinguished. "I’ll go get something picked out," I said quietly, sending her a soft smile that matched her one from minutes ago.

With that said I turned away and walked hastily up the stairs, unable to stop the lone tear that fell down my cheek. I could hear Leslie following behind me but I paid her no notice, the loneliness becoming almost too much to bear. Although she was beside me, I felt that if by having a funeral, as if by saying goodbye, I was letting go. It just reminded me of the fact that she wouldn’t be there forever, as I wanted her to be. And just like everyone else was learning to, one day, I would have to let her go. Somehow, I didn’t think I was strong enough.

I opened the door to my room, almost screaming at the sight of someone on my bed. "How the hell did you get up here?" I asked loudly, taking in the sight that lay before me.

Jimmy shrugged, pointing to the open window. "t’s not that hard. You might need a new pillar though. I underestimated my own strength."

I frowned and walked past him, over to my closet. "Hey, are you crying?" I heard him ask softly, and I felt a hand being placed on top of my shoulder.

I span around, unable to stop the fire that blazed in my blue eyes. "Why the hell do you care?" I spat angrily, swiping away his hand.

Jimmy frowned in concern but took a step back, still looking at me intensely. "Well, friends us-"

"Who said we were friends?" I said brokenly, the anger still lacing my tone. Jimmy frowned, looking at me strongly as if trying to figure something out.

"Look, I think yo-"

"Don’t act like you know me," I said venomously, unable to stop the tears that formed in the corner of my eyes. "Don’t act like you know me, when I know you don’t give a damn about who I am."

I could tell my words hurt, and for a second I felt guilty, before the anger swarmed my body again. Jimmy opened my mouth to speak but I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks.

"Go, I know you want to," I said quietly, unable to look him in the eyes any longer.

Jimmy sighed, shaking his head. "Izzy, you know I don-"

"Go," I said finally, walking over to the closet and opening it up, my ears still listening out for his response.

He let out another sigh, and from the corner of my eyes I could see him backing away. "Alright, I will. But remember, you’re the one who asked me to leave."

With that said he walked over to the window, and with one final look, he left.

I turned around to see Leslie looking at me in disappointment, a small frown on her face. Unable to stand it any longer I fell to the floor with my back against the wall, tears falling down my face and sobs escaping my throat.

Leslie sighed and walked over, dropping down beside me and wrapping her arms tightly around me. "God, Izzy, you can’t keep pushing people away. What can I do about you?"