Tell Me, What's Real?

Silence.

It drenched the morning air, filling it with feelings of dread, anguish and revolt. The cool breeze that swept through my icy blonde hair did nothing to qualm the rush of emotions that filled me, and the soft pitter-patter of rain on my head was unable to sooth my fear. My body was slowly becoming numb, as if the icy air was freezing my heart, the heart that had tried so hard to carry on and survive. My heart was no longer simply broken; it was shattered, left in irreplaceable pieces that stabbed me with their sharp edges.

I was nothing. I was no one. And it wasn’t simply because I had lost the one person that held my heart in her hands, it was because slowly, piece by piece, I was becoming empty. The sweet memories of fairies and midnight hugs were fleeing from my mind, and as I struggled to hold onto them I realized that my body was closing up again, as if preparing itself to be alone. And if there was one thing I hated, if there was one thing I feared, it was abandonment. But no matter how long I stood there, trying to convince myself that she hadn’t left me, that I hadn’t lost her, I knew in that moment that everything I had loved had abandoned me. Was I that bad to live with? Was there a fire burning within me that propelled people away from me, until I was cursed to live life alone?

Maybe I was unlucky. But somehow, the thought of luck being in control of my life didn’t seem very appealing. If it was up to luck, I knew that in a few years I’d be nothing, even more empty and alone than I currently was now. Because luck hated me, and had a fuelling passion for anything that caused me anguish. I was destined to live life alone, an empty body, deprived of a beating heart and instead filled with daggers of glass that managed to damage me no matter how I moved through life.

The rain no longer seemed appealing to me. Because memories of dancing, memories of beautiful hugs and sincere blue eyes no longer plagued me when I felt the soft tickle of rain on my head, and instead, all it did was remind me of where I was now.

The funeral.

And no matter how tightly Leslie held my hand, it wasn’t the same. Because as much as I dreaded it, as much as I tried to fight it, eventually, she would be gone. And the final pieces of her filling me would be ripped from my body, until I was even more empty than I was before.

I often wondered if I was going crazy. There was a longing in the back of my mind that demanded me to run forwards and rip her casket open, to grab her body and run away, just to have someone with me forever. Just so that she would stay.

I didn’t want to be alone. Oh, did that thought scare me so incredibly much. Because if there was one thing I was good at, then it was being stubborn. And the stubborn part of me would never let go, whether she was beside me or not. That stubborn part wanted me to crawl into my bed and block my ears, and close my eyes and just pretend that everything was fine. I wanted to stay there forever, oblivious to the world, oblivious to the trouble that haunted me. But I couldn’t. Because I continued to live, continued to breath and continued to feel shattering emotions that plagued my body. I was here, and she wasn’t. That was all there ever would be to it.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Leslie Thompson, and also, to mourn her tragic death. She was loved by everyone that met her, and her bright outlook on life made her impossible to hate. At only sixteen years of age, she was unfairly ripped from us, and though her being no longer remains on this earth, she will forever be with us in spirit," The priest droned, and I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

I could hear my mother sobbing beside me, a handkerchief clenched in her pale hands, occasionally rubbing away the streaks of mascara that ran down her face.

Occasionally I would see tears fall from Leslie’s face, disappearing into the air as if they’d never existed. My whole body longed for comfort, to be held, to be loved, but everywhere I turned I found people that looked just as empty as I felt. I was suddenly longing for Jimmy, for his warmth, for the safety he brought when he was around. But just like everything else in my life, I had pushed him away, and now, there were no arms, no warmth to calm me as I cried. There was just me and my empty shell of a body, cursed to forever live life alone.

"Leslie was always a joy to be around, and simply emitted life from her body everywhere she went. Her smile could light up a whole room, and her words of wisdom could bring people to their knees."

Anger began to fill my body as I listened, and I found myself clenching my teeth in fury. How dare he talk about her like he knew her?! He wasn’t the one left behind, the measly remnants of half a body that simply floated through life. He wasn’t the one empty from tears, empty from being abandoned by the person that meant everything to her. He wasn’t me. He wasn’t mum. He didn’t know her, and he sure as hell didn’t know what it had been like to love her and lose her.

"She was a bright student at school, and although her li-"

I stood up, ignoring Leslie’s attempt to tug me down. "You didn’t know her!" I shouted, tears clouding my voice. People turned to look at me and I was overwhelmed by their suffering, but for once, I didn’t care. I didn’t care what they thought of me, because honestly, I was over caring.

Tears streamed down my face like a never ending flow of salty water, and as the priest looked at me, I couldn’t feel anything but absolute devastation. "You didn’t know her," I repeated, my voice cracking as I sobbed. "So don’t you dare act like you do."

With that said, I turned and ran, no longer willing to face the anguish that swept over me. And for once, instead of having it done to me, I was the one running away, ignoring the rain that drenched my body.

I ignored the whispers and the sympathetic looks that followed me, and I ignored my mum’s call for me to come back. Because I was too far gone, and the emptiness was drowning me, until I could no longer feel anything but the numb stupor that claimed my heart.

****

Holding my knees to my chest, I sobbed, tangles of my wet hair sticking to my face. My breathing was ragged as I continued to cry, and I licked my lips softly as I looked up at the sky, allowing the raindrops to fall onto my face.

My hands were clenched in fists around the grass that sat beneath me, and streams of tears fell down my cheeks, dripping gently onto the ground. I silently willed myself to disappear, to escape, to flee the brokenness that filled my frail body. But no matter how long I closed my eyes for, no matter how many times I prayed to leave, my body remained, and my anguish continued to pump within my body.

"Izzy?"

With blurry eyes my head shot up, wet tangled of blonde hair clouding my face. I sniffled slightly as I turned around, not bothering to stop the tears that fell down my face.

If it had have been anyone else I would have told them to go away, but in that moment, I needed nothing more than the comfort I knew he would bring.

He was standing there with his hands in his pockets, his blue eyes burning with concern as he took in my fragile state. He seemed to be ignoring that continuous drops of rain that fell onto his body, and he slowly took a step forward. "What’s wrong?" he asked softly.

I avoided his question, turning back around, trying to ignore the warmth that was beginning to crowd my frozen body. "How did you find me?" I croaked quietly, trying to disregard the way his eyes burned holes into the back of my head.

"You’re around the corner from my house, and I was walking," he said, pushing the black hair that stuck to his face out of his eyes.

"In the rain?" I asked incredulously, letting out a humorless laugh.

Jimmy shrugged, walking over and sitting beside me, pulling his knees up to his chest. "I find it comforting. It helps me think."

I didn’t say anything, but allowed him to wrap his arms around me and pull me into his chest, the warmth seeming to cool the ice that guarded my body. I leant my head against his chest, letting out soft sobs, my tears streaking down onto his jumper.

It seemed as though when I was with him I was unable to keep my guard up, and act as strong as I was used to pretending to be. Instead, with him I crumpled, and every part of me I had been fighting so hard to keep contained came relentlessly rushing out, ignoring the feeble walls I had built to stop them.

He pulled my head into his chest, running his large hands through the tangles of my wet hair. We sat in silence, but he never once let go of me, and for that, I was thankful.

"I though you hated me," I whispered, refusing to look up although I could feel his eyes on me.

I could see him frown, and he slowly tilted his head to the side, drinking in my every move. "Why would you think that?"

I reached up and wiped away a tear that fell down my cheek, my blue eyes trained onto the patches of grass below me. "Because of yesterday," I explained, flinching as I recalled the way I had treated him.

He let out a sigh, his fingers threaded within my hair, his warmth calming my shivering body. "I could never hate you, Izzy.:

I felt myself blush, and I bit my lip as he continued. "You’re too bloody cute. And even when you try to be mad, there’s still a friendliness that radiates off your body, and I don’t know why, but it’s comforting. Plus, you’re my friend. Friends don’t abandon each other because of a fight."

Friends.

I felt pools of warmth fill my cheeks, and a small, almost ghost-like smile fluttered onto my face. "Friends?" I asked softly, sniffling quietly as I finally looked up to meet his eyes.

He grinned his goofy smile, pushing the wet strands of hair away from my face. "Of course. What did you think we were?"

I bit my lip, averting my eyes to the ground. "I don’t know. I’ve never really had a friend before, besides Leslie."

His smile became softer, and the way he was staring down at me made me smile. "Well, get used to it," he said softly, and I looked away, the small smile never leaving my face.

"I’m sorry Jimmy," I murmured softly, once more refusing to look up at him.

He pulled me tighter against his body, somehow seeming to understand what I was talking about. "It’s ok, Izzy."

I smiled softly, allowing myself to bask in his comfort.

And it was only then, in the middle of a park, with rain falling onto my face, did I realize that I was no longer crying.