Dead Lover's Lane

I woke up about 11am. That was pretty crazy. Especially lately. I've been sleeping my day away.

I started my morning routine. I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror at my reflection. My blue eyes were bloodshot and wide. I needed to shave. I opened the cabinet beside the mirror and grabbed a razor blade. I looked down at my left wrist. It was scared and cut with new and old cuts over my heart tattoo. Some were scabbed. Some weren't so deep. I mad a new vertical one down the middle. It wasn't too deep. Enough to make it bleed. I looked at my right wrist. It wasn't as bad as the left. But, still scarred up. I ran the razor down it as well.

I turned on the shower and slipped off my boxers. I stepped into the warm water. I tilted my head back letting the water hit my face and my chest. I rinsed off my stinging wrist, which caused them to sting more.
I let hot tears fall down my cheeks. I'm just pathetic. It's that simple. What else to I want? I get to see Ville...and he doesn't hate me.

I got out of the shower , grabbed a towel, and dried myself off. I slipped a clean pair of boxers on. I pressed power on my stereo hoping for something. Kid Rock was playing, "Only God Knows Why". Only God knows why I kept it on.
"I've been sittin' here, tryin' to find myself.
I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself.
Lookin' for the payback. Listen for the playback.
They say that every man bleeds just like me.
And I feel like number one, Yet I'm last in line.
I watch my youngest son, And it helps to pass the time.
I take too many pills, It helps to ease the pain.
I made a couple of dollar bills, still I feel the same.
Everybody knows my name, They say it way out loud.
A lot of folks fuck with me, It's hard to hang out in crowds.
I guess that's the price you pay, To be some big shot like I am.
Outstretched hands and one night stands, Still I can't find love."

On that note, I grabbed my bottle of Advil. I chewed up four. I do take to many pills.
I groaned and lied on my back.
Thanks a lot, Kid. Your a real pick-me-up.

The taste of Advil was still in my mouth. So, I headed downstairs to the Pirate Bar. I opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and took a swig.
Hard liquor and pain pills for breakfast. Real smart Margera, your a genius.

"Your awake?" Novak asked entering the room.
I looked at him. "No."
Novak shrugged. "Sorry..."
I sat on the counter top. "Look, dude, no. I'm sorry." I burried my head in my hands.
"Bam," Novak said in a concerned voice, "it's okay."

I felt myself tearing up. Goddamn, I'm a wreck. A fucking wreck.
I looked up at Novak. "I'm a fucking idiot."

Novak sat beside me. "No your not."
"Yeah, I am. You know what time it is?"
"11:30ish?"
"To early for me to be drinking." I bit my lip. "I'm pill popping Bran. I'm trying my best to escape reality. It's not working."
Novak put his arm around me. "Escaping is not the answer."
"But, I hate it."
"It'll be okay Bam." he said. "If I can quit using heroin, you can make it."

I gave a pathetic smile.
It's true. I saw Novak at some of the worst times in his life, doing heroin. But, getting off of it. It was just sad. I can't imagine where he would be right now if it weren't for me and Ryan.

I hugged him. "Thanks."
"Don't worry about it Bam. It's the least I can do for you."

The two of us sat on the counter top in silence.

"Wanna go get wasted?" Novak asked.
I looked oddly at him. "Are you that damn ignorant?"
Novak shrugged. "Do you?"
"I gotta book a flight first."
"To where?"
"Finland.
"Oh..." Novak said, "you're gonna leave?"
"That's the plan. Ville doesn't hate me. So, I'm gonna go and see him." Novak was silent. "What?" I asked.
"Eh, nothing. I just don't want you getting hurt." Novak said.
"I can't be anymore hurt then I already am." I said hoping down.