Renny Boy

All the lights from the rides, the whirring of the machinery couldn’t distract me from turning thirteen.

But then again, I was already thirteen. So it was really kinda useless.

The day of the carnival was the day of my birthday and we decided to stick with Luke’s idea. My mom drove us there and dropped us off, sounding a little sad when she said goodbye. That made me think; maybe I wasn’t the only one who was bummed out about this. It was the first time I’d really gone somewhere big without her – just my friends were with me – and so that made me a little nervous, too.

Immediately after getting out of the car, I was slammed with too many noises to process. I heard little kids screaming and my friends talking, and I heard a mechanical rush fly toward me and snap back - a roller coaster. I might have gone deaf if it weren’t for luck.

I felt Soria pull me around a steel fence into the frenzy of people and the noises got even louder. In one ear I heard Ne-Yo being sick of stuff, and in the other ear I heard Pearl Jam’s melodramatic story of a misfit. All of the music and the chatter and the hollow screams and rattling were too loud and distracting for me to focus.

But then again…what was I focusing on?

Here we were, Plaster Caster, all lined up and ready for our admission. A lady with a mole on her lip slapped a bracelet around my wrist and before I knew it, we were in the absolute heart of the noise. I heard them talking but I couldn’t make out what they were saying - something about me, then they all looked at the Birthday Boy himself.

I nodded, not knowing what they said.

And I never found out.

All the sparking orange and white and yellow lights buzzed around me, across my eyesight and into my brain. I was yanked into a pleather seat elevated about three feet off the ground; a steel bar fell across my lap. I heard Soria next to me laugh and smile, and I saw Brendan and Luke do the same in a blur in front of me.

With a pull of his lever, the carnie fired off the ride and we started moving. Faster and faster we went, seemingly never stopping with all the lights and sounds forming a tornado around us.

I could have been happy. I should’ve been happy. I might have been able to grin and bob my head just like the others, but I wasn’t. I don’t know. Something was missing. And I was never able to put my finger on exactly what it was.

Words darted across my vision - Carnival; Welcome; Claymore; Fun House; Wild Dragon; Twister; Scrambler; Paraglider; Rock n’ Roll Express. All decked out in tiny little flashing light bulbs that flickered every second or so, all constant with their appearance but still a novelty to me. I was in constant motion, but I was never getting anywhere. Thrust toward the steel boundaries with Soria shoved against me, pressing me out - but I knew she didn’t mean to.

And just when I thought, this is it, I’m gonna fall out and fling into that ice cream stand, as I was thrust once more to the fence, I was snapped back with the velocity and force of the ride, brought back to do it another two or three or fifty more times.

In the distance, just as the bar was unlocked and we stepped off into the hollow roar of the crowd, I heard this old song I remember hearing when I was like two. A guy with a shaky voice started singing after a harmonica solo, keeping the easy melody going. What nostalgia that brought. It had been a while since I heard “Run Around.”

Luke, Soria, and Brendan once again sucked me into another line. They conversed, but I couldn’t hear them over the screaming and racket. It wasn’t surprising.

We sat in a tram of 5 mini cars attached to each other from the back, lined up perfectly but still bent according to the track. With a jolt we were sent forward, hurtling toward a sharp curve. I braced myself. My neck suddenly twisted as we rounded that corner and went up and down and around the same cycle.

The others had their hands raised in the air like the lap bar didn’t exist, like gravity was their enemy. I had clenched it like a life jacket, too scared to let go for fear I might fly away.

I was scared, period.

Freaked out to step outside my comfort zone, scared to be a part of the wind and feel all that good stuff running through my hair. No use taking a risk, I thought.

I was scared to be an unlucky number.

For a minute, this all felt like a dream. Was it real? Was I the kid in the roller coaster with all his friends celebrating his birthday? Was this MY life? My head bobbed with the force of the earth and it might have shaken up my brain. Maybe I ate a bad corn dog or something.

But why was all this happening…to me?

The entire school year rolled by in my mind - meeting Soria, going to her house for the jam session, Luke becomes our bassist, Brendan accidentally gets to be our drummer, Soria breaks her wrist, we make a name, we celebrate her birthday and Christmas, Luke and Soria go out and then break up, and we’re at the Claymore carnival. Looking back I remember all those wasted minutes I could have grabbed and held close. All that time I thought I was bored, I could’ve been having the time of my life.

But that damn number crept up on me.

I blamed myself. I kicked myself for not kicking my own ass off the couch and into something productive. This carnival, this birthday was supposed to be happy. Supposed to be the time of my life.

Luke was right though - it was the ride of my life.

The cycle slowed down; we stopped. People were waiting to take my seat, coming in. I jumped out and followed the others to a patch of dead grass and I heard another song.

Big beat drumming and individually strummed chords over a heavy backup guitar riff exploded in my ears. Rollercoaster, favorite ride. Let me kiss you one last time. How fitting. The guy who was singing sounded as if he were smiling the entire song rather than actually singing it. The song sounded like a road trip theme song, or something you’d sing in your head on a Friday afternoon; it had that element of innocence to it.

It also sounded vaguely familiar, like I’d heard it a million times a few lifetimes ago, but before I could really catch a good snippet the others had tugged me over to the next big thing.

My arm was grabbed and yanked to about the millionth line. I saw Soria; her eyes showed worry and concern, but her mouth said nothing I could hear. Bits and pieces - “Okay” and “Alright” and “Are you” - struck my eardrum, but I just couldn’t string them together to form a complete sentence at the time.

Are you okay.

No.

But I nodded. Just a little nod.

Luke and Brendan gathered around like I was someone who’d just turned inside out right in front of them. They looked like her - worried, saying the same things. I opened my mouth to speak the first words of the night. First words as a teenager.

“I’m alright, I swear.”

I was lying, but if they asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t answer.

‘Cause I didn’t know what was wrong.

Soria patted my shoulder with a genuine smile and turned around to get in line. The air was getting chillier, but my cheeks were still flushed completely crimson, I could feel it. In a way, this was like my first chorus concert because I had no clue what was really going on.

I kinda wondered if I’d ever get a clue.

Suddenly I was slammed into a seat for two - by Soria, who else? We were in a bobsled car, affixed to a circular track that only went in one direction, to the left. The same lights - blue and green and white - flashed, surrounding me, and like all the others, I was cautious and held onto that bar for dear life.

And the music.

A slightly nasally voice struck the air like lightening, obviously a woman’s voice accompanied by two powerful-sounding men.

The suffocations and frustrations.
They disappear when the music starts playing.
I found a place where it feels alright.
I heard a record and it opened my eyes.

Those lyrics reached deep into my body and found my soul. The song twisted and enveloped me in its magic and held me close like a parent.

Do you remember what the music meant?

I blinked as soon as that line hit me, flinching. The woman was asking me a question, almost like a statement. Did I know? Of course not. Or maybe I did. Wait - yes I did!

Music meant everything.

There’s your answer, lady.

That’s what I wanted to shout. It was the perfect opportunity to, but I never seized the moment. Being daring is off-limits for Ren Hawker. Oh no, he’s never even left his shoe untied.

And what did I do, you ask?

I listened to the rest of the song, ignoring the rapid movements and screaming, taking it all in one beat at a time. I lived up to those expectations and proved everybody who knew me right.

Those words seemed to echo in my head for the rest of my life, even when everything else fell apart.

And nothing else matters…
And nothing else matters when I turn it up loud…