My Kind of Perfect

I sit at my table in the crowded food court. My eyes scan people’s face looking for my brothers’. That’s when I realize what he did. He left me here, on purpose. The little conniving, spoiled brat tricked me into coming to the mall and then left with his friends so I’d have to drive home alone. I should have known better.

He’s going on tour with his band in a few days and this is his way of preparing me. Wanker. I roll my eyes and cup my face in hands. I’ll stay here all afternoon if I have to. There’s no way in hell I’ll get in that car without someone in it with me. It’s ridiculous that he thinks this could solve me problem, as if mom hasn’t tried the whole ‘fix Emily’ routine.

I have monophobia. It’s a technical term for the fear of being alone. No one really noticed when I was younger. It was just normal for a toddler not to want to leave her mother. Strange how no one found my constant leaving of the bathroom door open, not even my brother. But then I got into middle school and things started to show up.

I had frequent panic attacks when asked to run errands by myself and I still refused to sleep in my own room. I’d sneak into my brother’s the second I thought no one was paying attention. My brother didn’t mind my, what they thought then, dependency issues. There was only a year between us and we were close as twins.

My sixteenth birthday was the last straw. The day I got my driver’s license and my parents surprised me with a car. I couldn’t even make it out the driveway. I sat in the driver’s seat, crying hysterically until my mother realized that they weren’t happy tears. I was crying and heaving, too paralyzed with fear to even talk.

Next stop was the therapist. I don’t even remember the name of the first therapist. There were so many. My mother was so convinced that something was wrong that she decided to try and find somebody who agreed with her. And finally she did.

It was the eleventh doctor’s office I’d been in. It was a women and she called herself a psychiatrist. That’s when the term came into casual conversation. Monophobia. I was seventeen and I had a mental illness that no one understood.

That’s when my brother became my best friend. We’d always been close, but when the doctor visits started he became like a crutch to me. He was always by my side even though my mother argued that he was only influencing the illness. But he ignored her, thankfully, and stuck with me through everything.

Then he made new friends in college. I suppose I was a bit jealous, but he deserved to have fun and not be pestered by me constantly. But as he got friends and started to hang out more with them, than me, I fell into a pattern. I found something new that cured my awful fear almost completely. I found boys.

I’d never dated before my senior year, but as I turned eighteen and my brother stayed out later I realized boys looked at me. I mean looked at me, and sometimes I even got second glances. So I used second glances and cheesy lines and got me a boyfriend.

It lasted three months. And then I got another. And another after that one. And another after that one too. Boys filled the time where my brother wasn’t around. I was doing well. There were hardly any panic attacks anymore because I was never alone. But then my mother noticed how I jumped from relationship to relationship and she decided it was time for a new therapist.

I was forbidden to date after that. The therapist talked to my mother and she talked to my brother who told me it wasn’t healthy. Relationship to relationship was not the way to get better, plus he was worried about me contracting some other disease. He thought I was sleeping with all of them. Truth was, they all made me just a little uncomfortable, but I’d take awkward tension to being alone any day.

And all that puts me here. The new therapist wants me to try new things and now that my brother talks to the therapist too, well he’s starting to be like mom. Not as crazy, but like he wants to fix me. I’m not broken. I know I’m not broken. I’m just scared. The kind of scared that makes your whole body tense and your heart pound and your mouth not work and your breathing stop. It’s like facing death, because to me, being alone is a lot like dying.

My mother doesn’t get it. My therapist doesn’t get it. My brother doesn’t really get it either, but he tries.

There’s a vibration in my pocket that makes me shoot straight up in my seat. I hadn’t even realized I’d rested my head down on the table. People are still rummaging around. Everyone’s talking so loud, it’s like their yelling.

I sigh and pull out my phone, seeing I’ve got a new text message from my brother’s best friend. They’d reached out to me after my brother got involved with the therapy sessions. I think the therapist told my brother I needed a wider circle of friends. It’s not that I don’t like his friends, but sometimes their ‘reaching out’ just seemed fake and forced.

The new text was from Caleb Turman. I’d hit on him once, before I knew he ran in the same group as my brother. I smiled a little as I opened the text.

Did Jon leave you @themall?

Figures my brother would tell everyone his master plan to ween me away from him. I texted back a ’sure did’ and then go back to people watching. Five seconds later, the phone vibrates again.

Where r you exactly?

I scrunch my nose up as I text him ’foodcourt’ and then sat my phone down on the table in front of me. Two minutes and there was the ginger head bobbing around amongst everyone else. He had a big grin on his face as he waved over his head and then took the seat across from me.

“Hey Emmy, how are you?” His voice sounded light and happy, like he usually was. All of my brother’s friends were usually over energetic. The shine in his hazel eyes didn’t even dim as I stared at him bewildered.

“I’m stranded at the mall.” My tone was monotonous as Caleb chuckled lowly. “You?”

“Well, I’m talking to a beautiful girl so I can’t complain that much.” He shrugged and smirked. I didn’t even blush at his words. It was just Caleb being Caleb. I was known as some kind of a whore because of my relationship issue, and Caleb was known as a man whore because of his.

“Will you come home with me?” I asked innocently enough, knowing just how it sounded. Caleb’s eyes seemed to twinkle with mischief as heard it too.

“I have a condition for you, first.” Caleb laced his fingers and rested them on the table, just beside my phone. My eyes locked on them as I waited for him to continue. I was hoping he wasn’t going make some ridiculous condition like my brother had a habit of doing. “You have to promise to get better during the summer.”

I snorted as I tried to hold in my laughter. Then I threw my head back and just laughed. The simple thought of getting better was absurd.

“I’m serious Emmy.” That scared me Caleb was always flirty and funny, but there was no joke in his voice now. He was as serious as my brother. “Jonathan’s real worried about you, and so am I. You can’t even drive ten miles by yourself without having a heart attack, Em. It’s not right.” His pretty face was all furrowed with worry.

“I’ll be fine.” I told him begrudgingly. I knew I wouldn’t but I didn’t want to hear Caleb’s speech about how I was unwell.

“That’s a lie and we both know it Emily.” Caleb used my whole name and it made me sit up a little straighter. He never called me by it, always Emmy and on the occasion it was mini Cook. “I know you don’t want to be alone, and the truth is you are never going to be alone. Your brother will always be there for you, and so will I.”

“Right, the two of you are leaving in what? Three days?” I spat it at him, a bit more sarcastically than needed. I was just a bit moody from being ditched.

“I like you, Emmy, I really do.” My throat got dry as his hazel eyes burned into my blue ones. There was a fierceness in them I’d never seen before. He was always so laid back and careless. “I just,” he stopped and pressed his lips together in frustration. “I’m going to promise you something.”

I know that’s not what he was going to say, but he seemed determined in the new direction he was going in. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” I mumbled, unsure of my own words.

Caleb just rolled his eyes and continued. “If you make some progress over the next two months, just simple things like maybe driving by yourself or sleeping by yourself,” at these words I knew a blush crept up my neck. I didn’t think Jonathan told anyone about me sleeping in his room. “You accomplish that and I promise you I will never leave you alone.”

I stared for a few minutes, just eyeing him skeptically. “Those are big, empty words.” I finally responded and he frowned.

“No, they’re not. You’re so special and talented, and this fear is just holding you back, love.” Caleb reached across to grab my hand and I let him hold it. “I swear to you, I’ll be there until you push away.”

I sighed. “I hate to be rude, but you’re a flake. How can I even begin to trust you?”

“I do believe it’s called having a little faith, Emmy.” He winked but then when I didn’t laugh or even smile, he squeezed my hand. “As stupid, and lame as this sounds, you make me want to be a better person.”

“I make you…”

“I told you it sounded stupid, but it’s honesty. You’re such a caring, sweet person even with your,” he hesitated, “limitations. And I’ve been called a dick by every girl I’ve ever dated, and a lot of the girls I haven’t dated call me it too.”

“That’s because you’re a flake, and—“ Caleb cut me off by pressing his free hand to my mouth.

“I know. You already called me a flake and I know it’s true. But this is different. I l—“ Caleb stopped short and took a deep breath. “I have some feelings for you and it changes the whole situation. I swear to you,” he dropped his hand from my mouth and clutched my hand in both of his, “I can do it. Will you?”

I stared at him, inspecting every little detail of him. His whole body was pushing forward, leaning toward me with a tense posture. His eyes were trying to hold mine in his fierce gaze while the corners of his mouth dipped down just a fraction as he waited for my response. Everything about him was screaming sincerity, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Caleb was not one to be sincere, and what the hell was that about ’I have feelings for you.’ How the hell was I suppose to take that? Caleb was a player; he didn’t have feelings for anybody but himself and his ego.

Beyond all of this, I found my mouth moving and the simple word, “yes,” slipping out. What the hell was I thinking?!

“You mean that?”

I swallowed hard and fixed my blue eyes on his hazel greens. “You really swear about not leaving me?” There was a voice screaming in the back of my head, you can’t trust him! He’s a liar and a heartbreaker! Run while you still can stupid!

“By the end of the summer if you can calmly spend time alone, I will always be in your life. No matter how upset you make me or future arguments we may have, I’ll be there.” Caleb’s confidence wavered as I saw a guard go down. “That’s what you’re afraid of, isn’t it? Long term loneliness?” I didn’t say anything. My gaze fell to our hands as I bent my head down. Everyone had always called my fear irrational, but here Caleb seemed to comprehend just a little.

It felt like hours went by and the only sound was our breathing. That’s all I could focus on. In. Out. In. Out. I couldn’t even hear the millions of people surrounding us anymore. It was just me and Caleb.

“I promise you, Caleb Turman, if you break this vow I will come after you with a fucking knife and mutilate your body.” I hissed angrily as I burned our hands with my eyes.

“There will be no need, my sweet darling.” Caleb dropped his head and kissed my hand. There was his bright smile and happy eyes again as he stood up, pulling me out of my seat as well. “You want to come back to my place and help me pack?” Caleb kept a hold on my hand as he wrapped his arm around me.

“You haven’t even packed yet?” Why am I surprised? My brother wouldn’t be packed either if I hadn’t done it with him weeks ago.

“I was procrastinating.” Caleb pulled my body closer to his as we maneuvered through the crowd and toward the front doors.

“Course you were.” I rolled my eyes and let a small smile fit into place on my lips.

Maybe getting close to Caleb isn’t such a bad idea.