Faulty Affection

He probably wishes that I was dead. I was curled up in a tight ball on my bed. I had my light blue sheets in a tangle around my body. I had spent most of the day in bed, but I was being over-dramatic. Laying in bed all day wasn't going to bring Pierce back. At least that's what my mother's voice mail had said. But as far as she knew, Pierce had left me. I told her that he wanted to live with Brian in Japan. I wasn't a constant liar, I rarely lied at all. I had to tell her something that would keep her from trying to find him. My mother was a vengeful woman.

I rolled over to my side, and groped the side table for my cellphone. I hadn't checked the date lately. The days had begun to merge together. October 20th. It had been five days. Five days since I left Pierce, since I'd broken my own heart.

"It's now or never." I said to myself.

I felt my feet hit the cold hard wood floor. I had left my safe warm bed for cruel reality. My room was a complete wreck. Once it was colorful and neat, but now, there were fluorescent colors sprayed on the floor and walls. When I got home that day, I had ran up to my room and ripped all of my paintings. Most of them consisted of Pierce and me or something romantic. My feet sifted through the wood and paper, trying to make a path to my mirror. As I looked at myself I felt the hollowness inside. My shoulder length brunette hair wasn't shining. My dark brown eyes were pink and swollen from sobbing, and my usually big bright cheeks looked pale and gaunt. I twisted around, hiding my face from the mirror. I didn't want to see the dark, guilt ridden reflection.

After turning the mirror around I grabbed a couple of boxes. I planned to move to Nashville. My college application had been approved a couple of days ago. This would be easier. I could move and forget everything that ever happened in this small town. I could start over. Of course I would miss my family. But they understood. My family was the only reason I would come back to this town. That was a promise.

I yanked out one of my drawers, quickly dumping the contents into a box. I stopped and stared at the item at the very top. It was a necklace, a bronze heart shaped key lay at the end of the chain. I suppose it had been hidden under piles of clothing. My fingertips traced the heart, and I felt a clench in my chest. Light tears whispered down my cheeks. Pierce had worn this for a couple of months and then given it to me one night, as we were laying in his backyard. I smiled faintly at the old memory. Now or never. I gently picked up the necklace, feeling the cool chain in my palm and threw it in the trash. I couldn't have anything that would make me remember. Nothing that would make me want to come back.

~~~

Adjusting to a new environment hadn't been that hard. I excelled in school, met knew people, and now I worked in a successful hospital. It had been five years since that day. The once gushing pain was now a mere scar. Of course I remembered every single detail, but I didn't let it come back into my life. I at least tried.

I worked in labor and delivery at the hospital, the shifts were erratic and I usually was tired but it was worth it. I even had a fiancé. His name is Andrew. He works as an International Business Executive. He had left four days earlier to go to England and meet with a client. Right now I was in a light grey terry cloth bathrobe and some red plaid pajama pants, waiting for his call. It was 7:33am my time, around 12pm his time. He only got to call me on his lunch break, every other moment of the day he was working (besides before bed of course).

“There’s only one thing, to do, three words, for you. I love, I love you.” I knew the ring on my cell. It was my fiancé Andrew.

“Hello Andrew.”

“Hey Josephine! You know what today is?”

“It’s the fifteenth of October.” I said sarcastically.

“Yes, today is indeed the fifteenth but it’s also my big meeting with Ronald! I am going to cross him in on this deal and when he…”

I laughed silently. Andrew always got so excited when he started talking about his businesses. Let's just say Andrew wasn't the most exciting person.

“Josephine you there?”

That was another thing about Andrew. No honey, sweetie, sugar, or Josie. Always and only Josephine. I liked it that way.

“Yes I’m here, Ansley.”

Ansley was his first name. He hated it when I called him that

“Oh I thought I lost connection Josie.”

I hated it when he called me Josie.

“Well Josephine?”

“What Andrew?”

“Aren’t you going to wish me good luck on my business proposal?”

“Yes Andrew, good luck." I stated in a dull tone.

“Josephine, what's wrong?"

" Well actually....” But I didn't get to finish my sentence.

" Oh I know what it is! You haven't taken your medicine yet." He said excitedly.

"Yes that must be it. Thanks Andrew." Taking my anti-depressants was not exactly why I sounded so dull about his new business proposal.

" Well I love talking to you Josephine, but I have to go. My break is almost over. Bye" Andrew said hurriedly.

"Okay, bye Andrew." I responded.

" Oh, and Josephine?"

"Hm?" I said.

"I love you."

"I love you too Andrew."

I lightly put the phone back on the receiver. My stomach had a queasy feeling. It did whenever I said those three words. I love you. At least whenever I said it to Andrew. It’s not that I don’t love Andrew. I do. I love him a lot. Just not the way he loves me. I guess it’s silly that I’m in this position now, being his fiancé.

I remember our first date. My friend Jaydee had set us up. She said Andrew was a great guy and he was a business man, that I’d be head over heels. I had never spoken to him before our first date. He'd taken me to a fancy Italian restaurant, where everyone stared me down when they saw I was a pants suit. Afterwards he took me to a butterfly exhibit. It was so romantic and sweet. I fooled myself into thinking I had feelings for him. After the first date, it just didn’t stop. We kept going out, and talking on the phone. Then it turned into a relationship and he paid for my college tuition. So when he proposed I thought, this man has provided for me and he's such a sweet person. I'll probably never find someone as good as him, I may as well marry him. A couple of weeks after his proposal, I realized I had never had feelings for Ansley Andrew Dochman. It’s not his fault though. It’s mine.

I ran my finger through my tangled brown hair. I had to teach myself not to let memories get the best of me, at least that's what my therapist said. I walked into the kitchen and searched the cabinets, I began to giggle when I finally found a piece of bread. Andrew was so funny about things. Weird was a better adjective. He had came over to my house the day before he left and I guess he thought he’d “organize” my kitchen. I bit into the bread. Eating it quickly so I could take my pills. I had been prescribed anti-depressants. Andrew told everyone that I was stressed out from planning the wedding. That was when he hired our wedding planner Nicole. He had said it was because of the wedding so many times, he began to believe the lie himself. I knew the truth though. Living with the torment of a broken heart had weakened my body physically. After I left Pierce it took me years to piece myself back together. And Andrew decided he'd finally do something about it. He didn't know about Pierce though, he at first thought my depression was hereditary. Before he constructed his lies. I chased down the pills with a glass of water. And went back to my room.

I was searching for my planner Andrew had bought me. I finally found it in a drawer. Call Andrew. Check. Take medication. Check.

"Live with a chronic depression that has the possibility of never going away. Check" It was my own sick little joke. I had to make it look like had the perfect job, the perfect friends, and the perfect fiancé that I was deeply and madly in love with. But we all know that you can't judge a book by its cover.