A Library Romance

*Adlar's P.O.V.*

The dining room is quiet at dinner. No one ever speaks unless father has spoken to them first. The only sounds so far in the room are the clanking of the utensils against mother’s china, and the occasional clearing of the throat.

“So, Caden, how are classes going?” Father asks, looking at my older brother.

Caden is twenty-two and currently going to college, studying business of agriculture. He’s going to take over the family farm when Father retires. Caden is a straight A student and can tell the difference between a red potato and a sweet potato before it’s even been uprooted. Caden doesn’t spend all his time taking pictures and looking in art books. He is tall and handsome, and can grow a healthy amount of facial hair. Caden is everything that I’m not; according to my father.

“School is great. I had an exam last week and I learnt today that I got ninety-seven percent on it,” Caden says proudly.

“That’s my boy,” Father smiles widely, and then turns to Edwyn, my fifteen-year old younger brother, “How was soccer practise, Edwyn?”

“It was awesome,” Edwyn says enthusiastically, “I scored three times on Nick, and he’s our best goalie.”

Father congratulates Edwyn, and then continues eating quietly. He won’t ask me anything. He doesn’t care what I do, and he doesn’t care about who I want to be. To him, nothing I do is ever good enough. And, I think he may know about my secret.

-----

The next morning Caden, his girlfriend Jenna, and I head to the local book store. There's a new book of photography out for a new photographer Senol Zorlu out. The store is warm and inviting compared to the cold and deserted streets.

It only takes a minute to find the book I’m looking for. I walk up to the counter to pay for my book when I see him. Sitting behind the counter in a plush, red chair, enthralled in the book in his hands.

Nico Mammoliti.

His name alone sends shivers down my spine. I remember when he and his brother moved to our town from Italy. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven and he was the angel guiding me. I didn’t even really know what it meant to be gay then. I didn’t even know the word. I remember always wanting to talk to him, but being to scared and embarrassed to actually do so. One day I’d heard some kid say the word ‘fag’. I didn’t know what it meant, so when I went home after school I asked my father. He told me that being a fag was a sin. It was when two men did things together that are unthinkable, things only a man and a woman are allowed to do. He told me to stay away from anyone that was a ‘fag’, that they were dirty and would go to hell.

After that, I knew that Father wouldn’t approve if he knew that I was attracted to a boy. And now here I am, watching the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life. I try my hardest not to smile as his eyes widen in excitement, and his fingers clutch the book as if his life depends on it.

I wish I could somehow be more like Nico. He’s so happy and carefree. He’s also openly gay. I wonder how his parents reacted when they found out, and if they were mad at him, or are still mad at him for it. There’s so much I want to know about Nico but I’m too scared of what will happen if I try to get close to him.

I cringe as Jenna and my brother start off by calling him a fag. I hate it when they're like this, and Nico definitely doesn't deserve it. Jenna and Caden finally saunter out. Now he's looking at me like I might hurt his feelings too, and it makes my heart hurt.

"I'm sorry about them. They're dicks." I try to smile reassuringly.

"It's okay," he smiles, oviously extremely relieved, "I'm used to it."

"Kind of wish you didn't have to be, though, eh?"

I see the pause in his eyes as he processes what I said, and then I process what I said. I widen my eyes and put my hands out, hoping he understands that wasn't what I meant.

"Oh, my God, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that it would be nice if people weren't so judgmental of other people's lifestyles, you know."

"It's okay, Adlar, you can stop apologizing, seriously."

He looks down at my book as he scans it.

"This is a really fantastic book, by the way. He's amazing at capturing people in their most vulnerable state."

I smiles, "Good, I'll enjoy it then, and hopefully learn a thing or two."

I quickly grab the book and get out of there, feeling claustrophobic. As soon as I step back out on to the cold and deserted street I let out a sigh.

Why does it have to be so hard?