Status: Fin <3
Origins
It's funny what thoughts people have
When I get home that night Mum is in the kitchen with Anna making lasagne, my favourite dinner. She tells me that it won’t be ready until after 8 which gives me 3 hours. I hug her then walk upstairs to take a bath. I choose to put the jets on in the bath and I let them batter my back. I half lye there in the bath then grab my washer and clean my body with the soapy cloth. I rinse it off and drain the water. After wrapping my towel around my body I wander over to my room and shut the door. I pull on clean underwear and retrieve my pyjamas from under my pillow. I slip on my boxers and singlet and flop down onto my bed. The feather doona slowly sucks me into its Queen sized expanse. I let the silence take over my and slip into my meditational breathing cycle. Golden light encases me and I close my eyes. I feel the baby inside me, hear its heartbeat and the slow swishing as it moves inside me. I listen to the noises and a smile spreads across my face. Meditation has always been easy for me, I shut out every noise and turn my senses inwards. Since the pregnancy when ever I meditate I place my focus on the noises of the baby. Some people believe that what I experience when I meditate is impossible, but I know it isn’t because I really do experience it. The world around me shuts down and all I hear is the baby and feel a strange warmth coming from the air around me. It’s peaceful, serene, and beautiful.
*
I slowly recede from my meditation and emerge fully aware of the world. The faint smell of lasagne floating up from the kitchen, the apple shampoo and conditioner, the smell of cocoa butter on my shirt and hands, the feel of the feather doona encasing me, the light flirting across my room as the sun sets outside my window, the cool breeze playing through my curtains and across my bed. Soft notes from the Eels song ‘Tiger in my tank’ are playing from my stereo and I smile.
*
I reach under my bed and pull out a black box, I place the lid on the bed and the box in my lap. In the box is a lighter and shirt still neatly wrapped in the wrapping from his 10th birthday, a small photo album of the two of us, his favourite guitar pic, his favourite lighter and the self-titled blink-182 CD he had bought me all those years ago. Also in there is a metal tin full of ash from the letters I have written him since he died. I pull a note pad and pen from under the tin and write Tyson a letter:
TJAY!
I’m going to be 5 months soon. Izack and I talked to a pastor and you can be the Godfather even though you are…dead. I miss you so much Sonny, I really, really wish you could be here to meet my baby and play with it. I’m going to make sure that the baby knows who you are. Even after all these years you’re still my best friend. I keep seeing you in my room and in the street, I know it’s you, but you aren’t 10, you’re my age, it’s so weird but so good. I love seeing you around, it makes me feel like you never left! I really wish there was some way for you to come back, but I know that there isn’t. I just pray with all my heart that you will come back. I have school tomorrow and I think I’d cope better if you were here with me. Physically because I know you’ll be there in spirit.
I love you TJAY!
Love, FNM xx
*
I put the pen down, read through the letter and pull Tyson’s old lighter from the box. I burn the paper and place the ashes in the tin. I put everything back in the box and the box under my bed. I get off my bed and stretch. Mum calls me down for dinner and I wander downstairs.
*
All through dinner I didn’t talk much, Mum, Dad, Anna and Archer gave up on trying to get me to speak and continued talking amongst themselves. I was thinking too much to talk. Thinking about Izack and how much I wish he was here to help me out tomorrow, how even though I still love him we’re not in love, how he is going to be such a wonderful father. My thoughts deter and I think about tomorrow, what is going to happen, what people are going to say, will they stare or take sneaky glances at my balloon stomach or will they not look at all. Will they tease me, will they just leave me alone. All these thoughts jumble and I realise that I’m finished my dinner. I place my plate in the dishwasher and return upstairs. Once in my room I realise just how exhausted I am. I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth then climb into my bed.
“School tomorrow baby,” I whisper rubbing my stomach, “If anything goes wrong I’ll call your daddy. Do you think I should call him now before I go to bed?” The baby kicks and I laugh, I pick up my phone and dial Izack’s number.
*
He picks up and we talk for an hour and a half, the baby kicking the entire time. Eventually he tells me that I should get some rest because of school tomorrow so we say our goodnights and hang up. I put my phone back on my dresser and settle down under my doona and close my eyes. My thoughts from dinner start up again and I smile when one pops into my head. Maybe, just maybe all will go well and no one will give my any trouble. Maybe everything will be a smooth trip from now on and I’m going to have a wonderful couple of months leading up to the end of the pregnancy. Maybe I’ll keep up with all my studies, homework and assignments. Maybe Tyson will come back to life. The world is a funny place sometimes, never say never.
*
I slowly recede from my meditation and emerge fully aware of the world. The faint smell of lasagne floating up from the kitchen, the apple shampoo and conditioner, the smell of cocoa butter on my shirt and hands, the feel of the feather doona encasing me, the light flirting across my room as the sun sets outside my window, the cool breeze playing through my curtains and across my bed. Soft notes from the Eels song ‘Tiger in my tank’ are playing from my stereo and I smile.
*
I reach under my bed and pull out a black box, I place the lid on the bed and the box in my lap. In the box is a lighter and shirt still neatly wrapped in the wrapping from his 10th birthday, a small photo album of the two of us, his favourite guitar pic, his favourite lighter and the self-titled blink-182 CD he had bought me all those years ago. Also in there is a metal tin full of ash from the letters I have written him since he died. I pull a note pad and pen from under the tin and write Tyson a letter:
TJAY!
I’m going to be 5 months soon. Izack and I talked to a pastor and you can be the Godfather even though you are…dead. I miss you so much Sonny, I really, really wish you could be here to meet my baby and play with it. I’m going to make sure that the baby knows who you are. Even after all these years you’re still my best friend. I keep seeing you in my room and in the street, I know it’s you, but you aren’t 10, you’re my age, it’s so weird but so good. I love seeing you around, it makes me feel like you never left! I really wish there was some way for you to come back, but I know that there isn’t. I just pray with all my heart that you will come back. I have school tomorrow and I think I’d cope better if you were here with me. Physically because I know you’ll be there in spirit.
I love you TJAY!
Love, FNM xx
*
I put the pen down, read through the letter and pull Tyson’s old lighter from the box. I burn the paper and place the ashes in the tin. I put everything back in the box and the box under my bed. I get off my bed and stretch. Mum calls me down for dinner and I wander downstairs.
*
All through dinner I didn’t talk much, Mum, Dad, Anna and Archer gave up on trying to get me to speak and continued talking amongst themselves. I was thinking too much to talk. Thinking about Izack and how much I wish he was here to help me out tomorrow, how even though I still love him we’re not in love, how he is going to be such a wonderful father. My thoughts deter and I think about tomorrow, what is going to happen, what people are going to say, will they stare or take sneaky glances at my balloon stomach or will they not look at all. Will they tease me, will they just leave me alone. All these thoughts jumble and I realise that I’m finished my dinner. I place my plate in the dishwasher and return upstairs. Once in my room I realise just how exhausted I am. I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth then climb into my bed.
“School tomorrow baby,” I whisper rubbing my stomach, “If anything goes wrong I’ll call your daddy. Do you think I should call him now before I go to bed?” The baby kicks and I laugh, I pick up my phone and dial Izack’s number.
*
He picks up and we talk for an hour and a half, the baby kicking the entire time. Eventually he tells me that I should get some rest because of school tomorrow so we say our goodnights and hang up. I put my phone back on my dresser and settle down under my doona and close my eyes. My thoughts from dinner start up again and I smile when one pops into my head. Maybe, just maybe all will go well and no one will give my any trouble. Maybe everything will be a smooth trip from now on and I’m going to have a wonderful couple of months leading up to the end of the pregnancy. Maybe I’ll keep up with all my studies, homework and assignments. Maybe Tyson will come back to life. The world is a funny place sometimes, never say never.