Love from, Hell

Sitting there by the curb was Malcolm's car.

Julie couldn't believe it. The nerve of him, she made her mind think angrily while the rest of her was rejoicing at the sight. Julie growled quietly at herself and spun sporadically into the driveway, debating for a moment about hitting his car, but then avoiding it as she slammed on her breaks again after speeding into the driveway.

She turned off the engine and yanked out the key. Julie sat for a moment, stewing angrily. She looked in the review mirror, but couldn't tell if anyone was in the car. She stomped out of her mom’s car and up to the house, ignoring the rain as it made her hair wet. Julie stopped abruptly at the foot of the stairs when she saw Malcolm come forward from under the doorway, out of the shadows.

Julie thought about breezing past him as if he weren't there. She thought about putting her hands on her hips and calling him an asshole. And she thought about leaping into his unsuspecting arms in the darkness. But she opted to do none of the above and merely crossed her arms tightly against her chest and looked down at the ground, kicking lightly at the raindrops as they fell to the wet pavement.

"… Julie?" His voice was stunning, as always, and very conflicted. Julie blinked at the ground as his voice washed over her. She said nothing.

"I don't want you to forgive me for anything. I don't deserve that. But you deserve some sort of explanation," Malcolm went on guardedly. Julie looked up, but still said nothing. Malcolm was looking at her and Julie was only under his blue gaze for a second before she looked back at the ground, refusing to feel what she knew she would if she kept looking at him.

"If you'll come for a ride with me, I'll explain… as best I can. You don't have to do anything but listen. And even then you don't have to believe me, I just don't want to leave you hanging," Malcolm said. Julie still stubbornly said nothing. Malcolm waited for a long moment and then sighed. He walked across the lawn and climbed into his car and turned it on. The headlights lit up. Julie had turned a little in the car's direction, but stayed rooted to her spot. Malcolm didn't take his car out of park.

"Please come out of the rain…" Malcolm called quietly. Julie hadn't seen him roll down the window. She sniffed as the rain drops trickled thinly down her neck and forehead.

She stomped across the lawn and up to the car. She yanked open the passenger door and sat down heavily in the car. She shut the door smartly behind her and then crossed her arms again.

Malcolm put the car into drive and pulled away slowly from the curb. He drove through the increasingly heavy rainfall. Eventually he pulled up to a look out. Julie frowned and then recognized where they were: the dam. She leaned back in her chair. Malcolm turned off the car and it was silent between them, although the rain drummed relentlessly on the car's roof.

"Julie..." Malcolm started, but Julie spoke up.

"What are you doing to me?" She blurted out, turning to look at him. Damn, her voice didn't have as much malice in it as she would have liked. Malcolm stared at her and then Julie watched surprised when he dropped his head. She tightened her crossed arms, blinking. Malcolm looked up and out the windshield, seemingly through the rain.

"I'm a very bad person," He said distantly, his voice full of self loathing. Julie inhaled: he was stealing her lines. And overwhelming concern for him rose up again, trying to surge through Julie's system. She fought it down with great difficulty.

"Well… I…" Julie murmured gruffly, trying to find something to say that was both diplomatic and a little accusing. Malcolm shook his head.

"No. Please listen. I am the worst kind of person. You haven't any idea of how bad I am… of what I am," Malcolm began. "And I, like a selfish bastard, have imposed my presence on you. I tried to leave, I tried to remain detached and a stranger to you… but I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough… I was weak," Malcolm went on, his voice breaking with frustration.

"I knew you hated me. You took pity on me… God I'm so pathetic!" Julie burst out angrily at herself and turned sharply to look out the windshield, fighting back tears.

Suddenly Malcolm was gripping her shoulder and making her face him. Julie looked at him and was frightened for a moment. He looked intensely intimidating as he glared at her.

"No Julie! You have it all wrong! How can you think that I took pity on you? That you're pathetic??" Malcolm demanded of her. Julie blinked, her eyes wide.

"It is entirely my fault. I've made you think that. Don't you see? I am the pathetic one. I couldn't find the strength to leave your strong presence. I found a million reasons in you to stay," Malcolm growled and looked away, putting both hands on the steering wheel. Julie inhaled a jagged breath.

"I… don't understand," She told him honestly. Malcolm stared at the rain.

"I was running from my problems. From my life, from who I am. I met you and I knew that you shouldn't get involved. It would only hurt you, leaving you tainted and scarred. And even before I… cared about you, I didn't want that. I didn't want to affect anyone. But I stayed. I got involved. I thought I could treat this objectively, learn what I had to and leave quietly. Let you go on with your life and I would have been barely a blip in your spring break.

"But I couldn't do it. I was lying to myself. There were so many… feelings I unearthed. They frightened me. I couldn't understand them, but they were stronger than anything I've ever felt. And then… when I realized that you were starting to feel the same way, though probably not as intensely…" He trailed off in pain. Julie wanted to snort at his thinking she felt less intensely about him as he did about her, but she was too stunned otherwise.

"I can never forgive myself for letting you feel this way. Just by being in my presence, I was hurting you and darkening you. But when I began to feel these things… and you responded the way my outrageous feelings wanted you too… I can't believe the monster I am. I'll never forgive myself, Julie. I'll never forgive myself for letting you get involved and then hurting you the way I have and will," Malcolm looked at Julie, his eyes flooded with hurt and anger at himself.

"I can only hope that you will heal from this and go on and live your life. Forget all about me and do good in the world. You were made for purer and greater things than I could ever even dream of," He finished quietly, his voice rough. Julie's lips parted and her lungs sucked in oxygen.

"Malcolm…" She breathed. He stared at her, concern raging in his expression.

"Yes?" He murmured urgently.

"What… are you?" She demanded in a terrified whisper. But she absolutely had to know. Malcolm's eyes steeled and his jaw tensed. He looked away out the windshield and then rested his head on the steering wheel. Julie blinked at this image, and wanted to reach out and touch his back to soothe him. She couldn't help it; he was beating himself up much worse than she had in her mind. She could have never wished this sort of pain on him, no matter what he'd done. Julie frowned and bit her lip.

"Please… I can't tell you. It will only make things worse," He said painfully through gritted teeth. Julie opened her mouth, inhaling and trying to think of something to say.

"No. Julie. Please. Let me leave you at least with a little peace. A little oblivion to these evils…" He whispered tensely, his eyes shut tight. Julie breathed and couldn't stop herself from reaching over and touching his shoulder. She saw his eyelashes move a little when she touched him, but other than that he didn't react.

"I can't forgive you…" Julie said quietly. Malcolm flinched.

"I know," He murmured.

"… unless you tell me the truth," Julie finished. Malcolm didn't move.

"Please Malcolm?" Julie whispered.

Malcolm grabbed her hand suddenly and turned away from the steering wheel to look at her, gripping her hand in his. Julie felt her hand tingle with warmth. Malcolm stared at her.

"You. Have. To. Believe. Me. This is the only piece I have left to keep from you, save you from. I've foolishly put everything else out there for you to have to see. I can't tell you Julie, for your own sake," Malcolm said with heated urgency, trying desperately to impress the message on her.

"I can't believe you… you lied to me once already remember?" Julie tried to argue weakly. But immediately felt bad when a flash of pain rippled across Malcolm's face.

"Yes, I remember. I will gladly take the punishment now," Malcolm said. Julie frowned.

"So you get to go off and leave me dangling with nothing but 'it's better I don't know'?" Julie demanded, but her voice wavered. Malcolm shook his head feverishly.

"It's not just better. It's… safer," He chose the word and his eyes dropped to his lap. A prickle of fear went through Julie, but she steeled herself and leaned forward and took his face in her hands. She pulled him to look at her and leaned forward to look in his eyes. He was staring at her. Julie blinked once, and commanded her brain to stay focused on what she wanted to say.
'
"Malcolm? I understand that you want me to be safe. But I'm a big girl and I want to know things for what they really are. I can handle it," Julie said. A flash of pained frustration flitted across Malcolm's face and he shook his head a little. Julie slid her hands further into his hair to hold his head more securely.

"If you feel as intensely about me as I do about you… then I am in too deep. I need to know. I have to know because if you leave me in oblivion, I will be stuck in pain. I was foolish, too, ok? I got more involved than I knew was good for me. You warned me you could only be my friend if anything, but I went ahead and fell hard anyway,"

"You are not in too deep!" Malcolm growled grabbing her wrist and holding it tightly in his hand.

Julie made herself stay focused.

"You aren't! I can save you from this, from what I've inflicted on you. I can rectify your life for you. I will take the torture because it's what I deserve. But I can't leave you feeling even the slightest amount of this pain,"

"Malcolm… please don't leave," Julie whispered. Malcolm shook his head in her hands.

"I have to, I have to!" He growled to himself.

"You wouldn’t. If you don't want me to be in pain, you won't go," Julie murmured painfully. Malcolm looked at her, his blue eyes fierce and desperate.

"Please Malcolm? Please tell me," Julie begged. Malcolm's mouth fell open and his breathing was labored as he stared at her, tortured.

"Unless… you don't actually want to stay…" Julie realized, and sadness washed over her. Malcolm moved too fast. He seized her face and crushed his lips against hers. Now Julie gripped his wrists, trying to force him to stay there. If she hadn't been thrilling in the fierce kiss so much, the pressure with which he held her and kissed her might have actually hurt.

He drew away quickly and inhaled jagged and harsh, his eyes looking down. Julie's heart pounded crazily in her chest and her breathing was just as heavy.

"Don't you get it, Julie?" Malcolm whispered so softly and out of breath, Julie could barely hear him.

"I… love you. I can't tell you, because I love you," He continued, frowning deeply. Julie's breath caught in her throat and with the absence of her breathing, the car was perceptively quieter.

"I run away because I love you. I can't stand to know and… love how good and pure you are… when all the time I know that I'm a selfish monster. I have no right to care for you the way I do," Malcolm breathed huskily, barely audible. Julie's lungs still weren't following any procedure to keep her alive. Her heart was beating in quick thumps, but at long intervals.

"Malcolm?" Julie used up her last store of oxygen on his name. Malcolm's eyes flashed into hers. Julie drew in a breath when he looked at her, like he was her air.

"Would it make you sad… if I told you that I loved you too?" Julie whispered breathlessly, terrified that her feelings would make him sadder. For a moment Malcolm just stared at her and then his face softened completely.

"Oh… Julie it does. It does so immensely and you should never feel this sadness ever as long as you live," He murmured, looking at her. Julie blinked, fighting back tears.

"Why?" Julie gasped quickly. Malcolm's hand moved to hold her cheek.

"Because. I am all wrong for you. It makes me indescribably sad that I can't be with you… more than that," He said. "That I can't be right for you," He finished, staring with an ancient sadness into her eyes. A tear escaped over the brim of Julie's cheek and she looked down, since it was too much to keep looking at him. Malcolm's eyes widened, shocked.

He quickly brushed the tear away with his thumb with such tenderness that it made Julie's sluggish heart flutter again.

"Oh no. Please. Please don't cry. Please Julie. Please?" He begged her and wiped away a few more escaped tears as they forced their way out of Julie's eyes. Julie pulled them back with all her strength. Malcolm held her face softly in his hands. She looked up at him again, her heart breaking anyway despite his begging. Malcolm stared at her.

"Don't you think…" He began in a hushed whisper.

"… don't you think that… a demon from Hell has no right to love you?" Malcolm finished and then tensed his jaw as he stared at her, waiting with pained anxiety for her reaction. Julie blinked and frowned. A shiver of instinctive fear rippled through her bones but died out almost as quickly as it had come.

"You… couldn't be," Julie murmured breathlessly. Malcolm continued to stare at her.

"I'm the prince of Hell, doomed to take over for my father King Lucifer," He said emotionlessly. But his eyes bore into hers, fearful.

"I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you think I'm a completely crazy sociopath. I'd prefer you thought me that over the truth," Malcolm said. Julie stared at him, her face frozen. But her mind was racing a mile a minute. Suddenly confronted with this information, everything made sense. It all fell into a shocking reasonable place. Every vague hint, clue, certain traits about Malcolm, every unanswered question was now suddenly completely filled. Julie blinked. Even his looks… he was darkly regal and it was for a reason.

Julie had two options: she could either run screaming from the car and undergo extensive therapy trying to fall out of love with a maniacal sociopath, a completely ridiculous notion since Malcolm wasn't a maniacal sociopath and just the thought of leaving him for a moment under calmer terms sent horrible pangs through her chest; or she could accept what he said, and love him anyway. Her subconscious had already made the choice. There was no way she could turn away from him.

"Is there any way you could prove this… just so I'm sure that it is true?" Julie whispered. Malcolm stared at her. He turned forward suddenly and revved the car to life. He flew through the city and the pounding rain. In no time at all Malcolm had driven them across town and was in front of the Buddhist temple. Julie stared up at the lights of the building. Malcolm got out of the car and strode into the rain. Julie clambered out and stumbled after him.

She watched as Malcolm slowly approached the stairs that led up to the temple's entrance. He stopped in front of them. Julie cautiously kept a distance behind him and stared at Malcolm, ignoring the rain that trickled down her neck through her soaked hair.

Lightning flashed appropriately. Julie trembled. Malcolm didn't look at Julie and stepped on to the stairs.

Almost immediately he hunched over with a hiss of physical pain. Julie frowned, her mouth opening in shock. Malcolm turned back to her slowly. Rain cascaded down his creased forehead and his teeth were bared. Julie wanted to back away but stayed rooted to the spot. Then Malcolm knelt slowly, like he was plagued with fatal aching bones that were about to break, and his hand was stretched out to the touch the ground. Julie shook her head minutely, scared of what would happen. Malcolm's silhouette glowed through the pitch dark and the rain, illuminated by the temples bright, bleeding yellow lights. Malcolm pressed his hand to the stair.

He gasped harshly in deep, torturous, physical pain. Julie flew forward and grabbed his arm and yanked him away from the torture. She stared at him, terrified. Malcolm's eyes flashed up at her under his long eyelashes. Julie, trembling, reached for his hand. He reflexively pulled it back. But Julie continued and gently pulled it forward and uncurled his long fingers. Even as the rain pounded down and the darkness of the night hindered sight greatly, Julie could see the angry red marks on Malcolm's beautiful palm. Burn marks.

Julie gasped, staring. She flitted from him to touch the stair herself. It was cold and wet cement. She went back to Malcolm, who was holding his burned hand against his chest absentmindedly. Julie took his hand in hers again, touching it softly.

"…how?" She whispered.

"Let's get out of the rain first," Malcolm said huskily. He walked back to the car and sat down in it. Julie hurried over to the passenger seat and shut her door behind her and turned to look at Malcolm. He was examining his hand detachedly, like a scientist observing an experiment.

"The religion recognizes a Hell. The people don't know for sure that there really is one, but their belief in a higher power is what makes these grounds burn me. It doesn't matter what religion it is, they believe in a God… the higher deity that is all powerful and healing. And I am the thing that they fight against, that their God thwarts to save them. The sacred place, it knows what I am. And it hurts me to keep me away… as it should," Malcolm explained quietly, flexing his fingers.

Julie was silent for a long minute.

"I'm so sorry I made you do that. I-" Julie began horrified but Malcolm cut her off.

"Stop, Julie. It isn't your fault even remotely," Malcolm told her sternly. He was quiet for a moment. "Do you believe me now?" He asked quietly, dreading her answer.

"Yes," Julie whispered loudly, convinced. Malcolm closed his eyes and then looked away out his side window.

"I won't stay and torture you. I will leave so that you can deal with this however you need. You won't see me again… ever. Hell will never be for you," Malcolm told her finally. Julie's breath caught.

"No," She whispered. Malcolm tightened his grip on the wheel.

"I'm taking you home now," He said with a quiet finality.