Shot Lipgloss Through My Veins

Over the next couple months, I’d been going over to Frankie’s house every night after school. My parent’s sure as hell didn’t notice and his mom worked ‘til midnight every night, sometimes later. It was the hangout for the group. My group... that felt so weird to say...
After we had lunch together that first day, Frank said I should come over after school. I didn’t want to be home, so I figured why not. While I was there I had met the rest of their friends. Mikey’s older brother, Gerard, Gerard’s friends, Ray Toro and Matt Pellissier, and Ray’s younger sister, Emily. That first night I had bonded with Emily like no one I’ve ever known before. Even the last person I called best friend, and I’d known her since we were babies. I really like these people, and I actually feel like they like me too.
But lately, I’ve been noticing, something’s starting to happen... something that I definitely do not need... I’m falling for Frank.
Emily, Mikey, Frank, and I hang out a lot without the other three. Emily goes to a different school, but we always go to the mall or something after school, before going to Frank’s house. We’ve become the ‘Four Musketeers’ as Mikey puts it. He’s such dweeb. So it’s understandable that all our relationships are become stronger. Plus, I’m usually the last one to leave Frank’s house at night and there’s never an awkward moment when we’re alone. We always such nice talks, especially when he’s walking me home. I depend on him a lot, more so than the other two, and I think that’s what’s gotten me in trouble... maybe the crush made me depend on him more...
All I know, is I really don’t need this.
Since the ‘Four Musketeers’ I haven’t felt the urge to cut... at all. And with how much I had been cutting, I thought this a miracle. I did cut a couple times after, just to see, and the feelings changed even. They’ve been my support, especially Frank...
“But now that I’ve developed these feelings for them, or at least noticed them more, I’m starting to feel the urges coming on, strong. That’s something that I don’t even like to think about. And I try to ignore it, usually succeeding, but lately it’s gotten harder. And I can’t tell Mikey, he’d probably tweek and accidentally blab. I definitely can’t tell Frank, I’d have a heart attack. And I feel like I can trust you...” I vented to Emily as she and I were laying in the big tub in Frank’s personal bathroom. The rest of the guys were in his room, radio blaring and playing video games. When us girls needed a break or just needed to talk, we always came in here.
Emily was squirming and excitedly chirped, “So can I tell Frank?” She had turned her head to look me dead in the eyes. She looked so completely serious.
“Are you nuts?! Is there a major wax build up in your ears?!!”
She laughed. “I’m just kidding Kaylee, you need to chill.” She turned back to face the ceiling, as did I, slowly. “You know you can trust me.” I smiled.
“Thanks.”
Then we just laid there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the music.
But I had so much shit running through my head.
I could never get him.
What if he found out and hated me?
I couldn’t handle it.
I’d lose everything.
I’d be worse than before.
He can’t hate me.
Everything I could think of was negative and sent my arms and wrists tingling. I needed to cut so bad, and I couldn’t I wouldn’t let myself. But I can’t think of anything positive...

His smile.